XIII: The Brother
I hear him, his footsteps silent to anyone else but I know he's lurking in the shadows. My skin prickles and I reach through the sheets for Kairi, though we've barely spoken for weeks now. I find her back, like I know I would and it gives me this deep sense of dread. If he's here for me, like I feel he is, then my wife won't try and save me. She'll find me tomorrow morning, lifeless on the kitchen floor after a fight to the death with the devil, of course she'll never know that, and God only knows what people will assume. I shift and I hear him chuckle in the back of my mind, and for a second I wonder if maybe I'm just dreaming, a horrible nightmare but nothing more. All of this, everything that's happened is all just some dream that'll end when I wake up. Roxas will be alive, and I'll call him to beg him forgiveness. I'll tell him I've loved him since we were small and that he'd always be my brother, no matter who he chooses to be with. I feel Axel sit on the edge of the bed and my eyes snap open, my heart breaking when I slowly come to know this isn't a dream. He's really here and Roxas is really dead. I reach for what I should have in the first place (instead of my wife, who's come to hate me), the one thing that could give me comfort in such an hour. Axel stops me before I can curl my fingers around the beads of my rosary and he grips my wrist roughly. "How many of these damn things do you have?" He asks, pulling me out of bed and using his free hand to grab the the delicate beads.
"Get out of my house!" I shout at him, though it's no use. I know he isn't going to leave and I have no idea how to send him away. He pulls me against him, staring right down into my eyes and it unsettles me more than anything. In his eyes I see death, swirling in the slitted black pupils as they scan my face, I see all the souls he's ever devoured and I search desperately for Roxas. Axel's eyes slowly narrow as he smiles wide, bearing more of his sharp teeth. How could I have let Roxas fall into the Devil's hands?
Please God, don't let me die tonight. I shut my eyes, and do all I can. I pray for him to leave, I pray to just be left alone to cry the loss of my brother and slowly fix my life. Everything is already hard enough as it is, I don't need Axel here. There's too much hope as soon as I feel him release my hand, so it's obvious I feel devastated when I open my eyes and find him still standing there, watching me easily through the darkness. He doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
"Stop praying already, I told you all it does is annoy me," He glares at me, slowly trailing his eyes up and down my frame, the wide, fiendish smile gone. I've lost so much weight these last few weeks, I almost look emaciated and I can tell he's taking this all in. I just can't bring myself to eat anything though, the guilt is crushing me, the heavy weight in my chest leaves little room for food. I can only imagine what my poor brother must be suffering in Hell, and it's all my fault. I could have saved him and brought him back to God, or at least convinced him there was much more left in the World to see, but I was an idiot and never thought of his suffering while he was alive. I should have known he was never alright or better yet, I should have never been so stupid. There was never anything wrong with my brother, so why did we all treat him like a leper? God, I feel so, so guilty.
"What do you want from me?" I ask quietly, peeling my eyes away from Axel and staring straight at the floor. I have to wait this out, like I've done every time he's come in the dead of night. Soon it will be morning and I'll be driving to my parents house, to tell them about Roxas' death. I have to share this grief with someone, and they're the ones I should tell first. I wonder quickly how they're going to take it, and if maybe I should wait for them to settle after their trip to deliver such news. A part of me hopes they'll feel a touch of sadness for their son's passing, but something inside tells me they won't. It only makes me even sadder. I'm interrupted in my thinking by Axel laughing and I look up at him, even if I don't want to.
"Your parents are almost crueler than I...and yet you fear me but have no problem visiting your old man?" Axel is smiling from ear to ear again and I furrow my brow, my mouth twisting down into a deep frown. How dare he talk about my parents like that? I'll admit, they were never the most loving, nor the most compassionate but they were good parents just the same. They taught me values and took me to church every Sunday, they kept me fed and gave me clothes to wear and a place to call home. It was because of them that I got such a good job and met Kairi. They were fine with Roxas, gave him everything they gave me...until of course he came out to all of us. Remembering my ignorance hurts too much, and regretting my reaction won't do me any good, so I stop myself from thinking about it. Axel seems to find this amusing, the smile still in place. "You can try to avoid thinking about him...but you see him in everything you do. Every morning in the mirror, it's his face staring back at you, asking you why you left him all alone," The devil pouts at me, batting his eyelashes in a look of faux-sadness and I curl my lip, taking a step back into the nightstand. "Oh Sora, it's your fault I'm dead...If you'd have accepted the fact that I take it in the ass, I'd probably still be alive. To think, all I ever needed was a brother, and you were just a son of a bitch," The voice that comes from Axel's mouth isn't his own, but my brother's. It brings a sharp sting to my eyes, my heart sinking into my stomach. It'd been so long since I heard Roxas speak, and to hear his voice coming from the devil just makes it hurt even more somehow. I narrow my eyes, sending all my hatred to Axel through my stare, while at the same time trying to hold back the tears.
"You're a monster."
"Quite the deduction Sora," Axel rolls his eyes, his voice returning to normal as he loses his playful demeanor and yanks me towards him once again. I desperately wish I knew what he wanted from me and yet deep inside, I feel like I know the answer though it is an answer I am not yet ready to accept. All the same, I wish it was easier to just give him what he wants and send him on his way. However, I'd never surrender myself to him, which means I'll have to spend the rest of my time on earth, dealing with his damned visits. I don't think I could last that long though and waiting for the good Lord to relieve me of this torture feels like it's eons away. Every single passing day feels like a lifetime filled with pain and sorrow and as much as I hate to admit it, Axel is right. Roxas is everywhere, and it's ruining me. I see him walking on the street, in the faces of strangers, or hear him as if he were calling my name. I've unconsciously begun to drive past the clock tower where we spent so many days as kids, playing together, to get home, even if it takes me an extra 20 minutes. If I didn't have God, I'd have probably taken the same route as my poor, lost brother. Axel seems to perk up suddenly, almost like he heard my thoughts and liked the idea of me killing myself. My stomach does a sick twist and flip, and I try and squirm out of his grasp. Of all the billions of people on this green earth, why did Satan have to take a liking to me?
...
I wake up on my bedroom floor with nothing but bruised wrists from where Axel kept grabbing me. The window is thrown open, the hot summer air coming in like a thick fog. I feel the sweat collecting on my upper lip and forehead and wipe at it, before sitting up and peering over the edge of the bed. Kairi is still fast asleep, but when I use the bed to help myself stand, she stirs. Suddenly, her blue eyes are staring at me and I remember why I fell in love with her all those years ago. Her simple, clean beauty always amazed me, how she could look so perfect without make up. I remember quickly how bad our marriage has gotten when she sends me a dirty look, kicking her legs over the edge of the bed. I don't know why it started to fall apart, because she'd been happy before, we'd been happy. I'm not sure if it's my fault or not, and even if it is, I have no clue what I've done. "Why haven't you gone to work? Don't tell me you're gonna spend another day in here praying for your fag of a brother," Kairi begins to peel off her night gown, grumbling about the sweltering heat as she turns her back to me. I look away from my wife then, as she begins to dress herself and wonder just what happened to us.
Axel's face quickly springs to mind and even if it's close to scorching in the apartment, I feel cold. My body trembles as I push myself forward, towards the bedroom door, hoping to leave Kairi behind before we start to argue. I can feel the urge then, as her words bounce around inside my head- 'praying for your fag of a brother'- to turn around and hit her. I gasp as soon as the thought comes and I push it away, rushing out of the room and away from her. I can hear her, opening the drawers of our dresser harder than necessary as I stumble into the living room, wondering what's gotten into me. Never before have I ever felt the need to strike Kairi, but now I can't shake the feeling. The more I hear her stomp around angrily in the bedroom, the more I want to march back in there and slap her. With each passing day, she begins to resemble her mother. The woman was never a good person and I fear my wife will one day, fully transform into her. I turn towards the crucifix I hung back onto the wall, only to see it gone, again tossed into the garbage bin. There is no one in this house but Kairi and I, so I know it must have been her. A part of me wonders if I'd have known how nonreligious she is, would I have fallen in love with her? I grind my teeth, trying to swallow my anger as I bend over to pluck the cross from the waste, which is luckily only a few tissues and ripped papers. I ask God why he's testing me like this, as I hang it back up. I've been nothing but loyal to Him, attending mass since young, reading the holy word and living my life as a good catholic, yet it seems to all amount to shit. Pure, worthless shit. I'm drowning here on my own, and now that I need Jesus and the Father more than ever before, I feel as though I'm completely alone.
I try to convince myself that these thoughts are what's ruining me. I've suddenly adapted this dark, pessimistic outlook that I can't seem to get rid of and it frightens me to think that this is probably how Roxas started, feeling forgotten and lost. Surely God hasn't abandoned me, so I have to try and get back on track. This is all just a hurdle I am supposed to over-come, after-all, every marriage has it's ups and downs, and I am definitely not the first to lose a loved one. The visits from Axel however, are something else entirely. They make believing that God is listening to my prayers a little harder than it was before. "You're still here?" I'm pulled from my thoughts by the voice of my wife and I turn away from the wall, my hand falling away from the crucifix just now. I see Kairi as she stands there, regarding me with a bored expression, her purse thrown over her shoulder and the fact that she's going to leave again hurts me.
"Did you throw this in the garbage again?" I ask, instead of begging her to stay and fix our failing marriage. The question seems to anger her and she stomps over, reaching out and pulling the cross off the wall. I step away from her as she whips it down onto the ground, and I hear it break apart, apparently much more fragile than I had thought. The sound is lost, and so are her words as she screams at me about being sick of my religious bullshit. I can't concentrate enough to shout back, all I can see is the dark, love-bite, glowing a bright reddish, purple from under the collar of her blouse. I blink stupidly and she kicks the pieces of my broken cross to the other side of the room before turning to walk away. My hand shoots out, almost as if it has a mind of its own and I stop her, my grip tightening almost immediately, and only getting tighter with each second that ticks past. "What is that?" My voice sounds deeper than it usually is, and I can feel a large lump forming in my throat as I struggle against the urge to cry.
She seems to suddenly remember the bruise, the mark I definitely didn't leave because I'd never do anything like that and her free hand flies up to her neck, covering the little oval. Biting someone to the point of leaving a mark has never seemed romantic or arousing to me, just sick and wrong, so seeing something like that on my wife's skin fills me with a rage unlike one I've ever known. I feel her give a harsh yank, but my grip doesn't loosen. I tell myself to let her go, but the anger that's built up inside of me, has taken full control. Her struggling does nothing but pull the material of her shirt down, revealing more markings, some darker, some larger but all of them seem to glow against her pale skin in a little path of ruptured blood vessels. Her silence must be what does it, and it's almost like an out of body experience. I can feel myself raising my hand, but I can't stop myself as I swing it around and slap her hard across the face. Her head snaps left, and as soon as the loud sound echoes through out the apartment, I release her, suddenly falling back into my own body again, it seems, and I scramble backwards, trying to put more distance between us. Kairi doesn't move, instead her head stays facing left, her auburn hair falling across her face, hiding her expression from my view. "K-kairi...dear God...I'm sorry," I stammer, my arms stiff and unsure as I reach out, only to tug my hands away as if burnt. The silence stretches on and on...
"You fucking prick," She hisses before stalking away from me and slamming the house door. I stay standing there, until the windows all slam open, the glass rattling in their frames and I know he's back. The house feels different, and the heat is completely sucked from the apartment. The floor feels like ice and I start to tremble again, the stinging in my hand making me nauseous as I wait for Axel to show himself. I cannot believe I hit her...my wife...the woman I vowed to love and cherish for the rest of my life...but those marks...those fucking hickeys.
"That was a good one, I heard it all the way from Hell," His bright green eyes are laughing at me and that anger I felt towards Kairi comes back, only this time it's directed towards him. I scream wildly, before lunging at him, swinging my fists. If I can't pray him away, I'll just have to beat him out. The adrenaline must be what gave me even the slightest hope that I'd be able to fight Axel, and it all washes out of me when he catches both my bruised wrists in his hands, again his iron grip almost bringing me to my knees. "Now, now, is that anyway to treat a guest?" I hate how he's always laughing at me, how it seems he knows something about me that I don't. My head jerks up so that I can fully face him.
"What do you want from me?" I'm begging him now to tell me, and as pathetic as it is, I can't stop myself. I'm so sick of this, so sick of his visits and the pain it brings up every time. Whenever I see him, I'm reminded that my brother is gone forever, I'm reminded that he's in Hell right now, doomed to eternal damnation...because of me.
"Can't I visit just because?" The grin on his face lets me know he'll never tell me, at least not until the time comes for him to finally get whatever he wants. He isn't getting my soul (it's the only thing I imagine him wanting), because even if I'm in a rough patch, I'll never sell it to him to make things better and he can't just take it from me...can he? "I also have something I want to show you," he lets go of me and I don't move, my arms flop down to my sides and I just stand there, so tired. I watch him conjure a small black orb, and it grows steadily until stopping at the size of a crystal ball. He brings it closer to me and I stare down at it, watching as a murky imagine begins to appear in the blackness. It takes a few seconds before I realize I'm staring down at Roxas, my brother laying on the floor, wrapped in a black robe, writhing around in pain, missing most of his right arm. I feel vomit rising into the back of my throat and I slap Axel's hands away. He doesn't show me the orb again, but it doesn't matter. I can't force the sight of Roxas suffering from my mind any more than I can force Axel out of my life.
A/N: Oh hey there, what's this? Another POV? Uh...yeah.
I came to the conclusion today, that these are my stories (not my characters, but MY story ideas) so, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want with them and stop worrying so much about others opinions. I mean, it's not like this is a serious, professional job or anything. I do this stuff for fun, for my amusement and for all the other crazy fangirls and boys who enjoy what I write. That's why I write fanfiction...not for it to be analyzed as if I want it published...sheesh. Now, I'm not saying that I don't work hard on my stories or that I don't want people to tell me to improve certain things, or offer their own ideas. I definitely do, because even if this isn't my job, I still wanna write good for the Akuroku fanbase but I don't think it's necessary to say what I've written is stupid. Just keep it to yourself, sweet cheeks.
So, sorry guys if this all makes me sound like a whiney bitch, but I'm gonna start to write whatever the hell I want and if some don't like it or think my ideas are stupid well...I'm sure someone out there has written something better for you to read. But don't worry, I'm not gonna go totally bananas and start writing pure crack. There'll be some sense to my writing, I'm just gonna fuck around with more ideas and do whatever I want with these plots. *end rant
AAAANYWAAAAY, I hope the rest of you sweet and sexy ladies/gents enjoyed this!
Also, please try and ignore any spelling errors and stuff.
It's 2am and even if I've read this over a bajillion times, I'm sure I missed something.
-blows away like dust in the wind-