XIV: The Crystal Ball
I can feel the effect wearing off, whatever Axel did to me is fading and the pain is starting up again, slowly but surely. There's already a faint headache and my arm feels much too hot. I can't wait for this torture to end, and I really can't wait to see my hand again. I'm not sure how long it's actually been, because the pain makes the hours drag along. If anything it's probably been a day or two, and I can tell because the progress of my arm. There isn't much progress at all.
Axel says it's gotten longer, but I frankly don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I don't see anything but the disgusting charred end of the stub. "Come now child, don't be so harsh," I feel him curl his hand around my shoulder and I jump, startled. I swear he had left the room, walked right out the doors and I had no idea where he went too, of course. He never tells me shit, so when he got back is just as big a mystery. I never hear him walking around, but then again, I can barely hear myself think down here.
"Stop calling me child, it's weird," Images of him giving me a blow job immediately pop up and I fight off a shiver. It's strange to think that he considers me a child, and still lusts for me, or whatever it is he does. He snorts from behind me, and starts kneading my tense shoulders. It feels really nice, unfortunately, so I let myself be touched. It's not like he repulses me or anything, so it's not too bad. I always tell myself it could be worse. Besides, I know soon he'll leave to Earth or something and the pain will fully catch up to me. I'm not looking forward to it at all, something in me tells me that much more of my arm is about to grow in.
"But that's what you are to me, a child," His hand slides down along my left arm gently and the other just stays at my shoulder, his thumb rubbing the skin under it. He presses his face against the crook of my neck and I freeze there, waiting for him to bite me or lick me, or do something. I almost fall back when he poofs himself in front of me, the sudden lack of his form behind me throws me off balance. "Though if it bothers you that much, I'll stop."
The black, odorless smoke curls up and disappears into the darkness and through it, Axel is staring at me. His emerald eyes burn into my face, and I can almost feel heat coming off his stare as he grins at me. "It's weird that it doesn't bother you," I regain my composure, sending him a look as I scoot back a bit further from him. I don't know what to exactly think of him, sometimes he scares me but other times, he seems different. I can't explain it, but there is a change in the way he talks to me. Almost like he cares...but that's stupid to even think, and right now, it's not like he's giving me the good vibe. He's being rather creepy. I still have to remind myself he's the devil for crying out loud, he can't care.
"You're wrong Roxas, I am quite aware of what caring is and how to care," Axel's voice seems to surround me when he speaks and all I can do is stare at him. If I'd have a heart, it would be pounding fiercely. I can almost feel it's ghost, thumping in my empty chest. I really hate how he can read my thoughts, it's so invading. He raises an eyebrow at me before shaking the look off his face, "I have something for you," He smiles before standing up and moving quickly towards the farthest wall from where I'm seated. I watch him, stretching my neck to try and make out what it is that he grabs and he quickly makes his way back to me. I feel a strange pressure when he grabs my stump, but it doesn't hurt like I thought it would. I'm nervous for when exactly the pain will kick in.
I follow him easily as he leads me towards the bed and again, my phantom heart thuds heavily in my chest as he lets me crawl onto the sheets with him. I sit with my legs crossed on the soft comforter and I can barely feel Axel sitting next to me, when he presents me with this round crystal ball. Around the bottom there is a black claw like growth and he tells me to hold it by that. It feels strange and a little heavy in my hand, so I rest it against my leg and when it makes contact with my skin, it starts to glow. "What the...what is this?" I ask, watching slowly as an image begins to appear in the clear depths of the sphere.
"A present for you," Axel's voice sounds far away and I can't hear anything anymore when finally, the image becomes clear and I see something that tears me apart from the inside. My brother on his knees sobbing to God.
I can't hear what he's crying for, no matter how hard I try but the sight is clear enough. It's like I'm watching a movie, a very sad movie and I can't change the channel. I feel tears gather in my eyes at the crumpled form of my brother. He's laying on a church floor, and I can almost hear rain in the back of my mind. Slowly, I begin to hear more sounds, the cars swishing over the wet streets outside, the priest walking upstairs, the echos of my brother's cries bouncing off the sacred walls and at last, his voice. "Father...forgive me for what I did to my brother, I was a fool...I'm suffering for it...but I need help to carry on Lord...I can't do this alone," He covers his face, and I want to reach out and touch him. I wish I could ease his torment, and tell him it's okay.
It hurt me more than anything when Sora stopped speaking to me. Out of everyone, I thought he was going to be the one to stay with me, I figured he'd understand and he'd love me. Back on Earth I had completely forgotten what it felt like to me loved by my brother, but watching him now, I can feel it in a strange longing twist in my center. It hurts me to see him like this. I remember Axel is with me when I hear him make a disapproving sound from behind me. I tear my eyes away from my brother and look towards the red haired devil and I notice his eyes are almost glowing green now. "Are you stupid, Roxas?" He says my name instead of calling me child, so I figure I should dignify him with a response. The colour of his eyes is making me rather uneasy, and I lick my lips before answering him.
"No," I can feel the tears still about to leak from when I was watching Sora and Axel leans over, rubbing them out of my eyes roughly with his thumb. I tug my face again and rub my left arm over both eyes. I'd been about to use my right arm, hah.
I stare back towards Axel and he's watching me, those slitted pupils flicking back and forth between my eyes. I figure it out quickly and I see him fight a smile as he catches onto my thoughts. He's enjoying this, he's loving my agony. Before I can say anything, he throws me off when he speaks...
"Why are you suffering for him? Didn't you do that enough on Earth? He abandoned you and left you for dead. He deserves none of your caring," The look he gives me makes me almost believe everything he's told me. Until I remember that I'd never be able to stop loving Sora. Hayner is one thing, because Hayner was never as important to me as Sora. I'd avoided thinking about him as much as possible, just to avoid this ache. "He's living out the consequences to his own actions, as you lived out yours."
"I know that...it's just...he was my brother," I bite my bottom lip to keep from fully crying now and I stare back down into the crystal ball, watching Sora stand from the ground and dust off the front of his pants. He stares up sadly at the giant crucifix hanging in the center of the church, and it almost looks like he's staring up towards me. I choke when I see the difference in him, and let a few tears slip. I wish Axel would leave, so he wouldn't be there behind me, getting his kicks from me crying. As much as I try to suck it up, I can't. There's a deep sadness eating away at my brother's soul, and he looks almost exactly like me, the day I jumped off the balcony.
"Mmm yes, quite the brother," Axel chuckles before I feel him slip off the bed, just barely. I don't care enough to look for him and I stay watching Sora as he leaves the church and walks back out onto the street. I was right, it is raining and the city is full of people running around with an umbrella, or trying to cover their heads with their arms. My brother does nothing to block the rain and walks along the side walk slowly, almost dragging his feet, people speeding past him, not even casting a glance. I don't know why I can't look away, when watching him like this makes being thrown into a pit of demons seem painless. I feel there are now tears streaming down my cheeks, almost as if my eyes were just waiting for Axel to disappear to unleash the flood.
I follow Sora the entire way home, the familiar sight of his apartment coming into view. He had been so excited to be finally out of the house, on his own with Kairi. He was going to take such good care of her, and she'd seemed to like him well enough. I never liked his wife and that's when the drifting started between my brother and me. Kairi didn't care much for me and never went out of her way to have Sora spend time with me, it seemed she tried to occupy all his time. I was busy myself and well, we eventually wouldn't speak like we used to. But there was still contact. He'd call me every now and then when his bitch of a wife wasn't around, he'd invite me out for lunch or to watch a movie. He'd never invite me to his place, but I'd seen it when I helped them move in. I didn't care, I just enjoyed spending time with Sora. Family reunions were always fun with him, if you ignored my asshole father and neurotic mother. My sister would never come out to family get-togethers and I slowly stopped missing her.
I regret telling them so much, because I know if I'd kept quiet, I might still be alive. Hayner hurt me, and I was heart broken like never before, I'd lost my job, but what can you do? I'd find another one...I would have pushed through, if only my family would have stuck with me. If I would've had their support, things might have been different. Or not, because I'd still be gay and they'd all eventually find out somehow, and then they'd all hate me...and the rest is just not even worth thinking about.
Still, I get curious to see how my parents are, as I watch Sora climb the steps to his apartment. I can tell my brother is torn up about it, and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel slightly better knowing he loved me all along. I wish he wouldn't be in so much pain though, I really do.
I stare around the room, hoping Axel might be around to tell me if I can see my parents with this thing too but the room is empty. It's almost as if he left me alone, like I wanted...but I don't think that's right. He probably went to torture someone or something. I give one last 360 scan before staring back down at Sora as he settles onto the sofa, his clothes dripping wet. I look through the apartment and notice it's completely empty. I figure Kairi finally got a job, lazy cunt.
I roll the ball onto my other leg and begin concentrating on my parents, trying to bring up the sight of their house or something. I don't know what works, but the image of my brother, standing off the couch in his empty home starts to fade and another one takes its place. I feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach, and I almost want to close my eyes before it comes into focus. I haven't seen my parents in what feels like a lifetime, so I'm scared to see them now, even if I'm not face to face.
When I can finally make out the image, it's my mother in the kitchen and my father sitting at the table. He's reading a book with a mug of coffee by his side and my mother, well, she's drinking a whiskey on the rocks. They both look more tanned than I remember them, but also a lot older. I can see a few gray hairs on both their heads, giving my dad's once golden hair, an almost platinum appearance and my mother's dark hair only makes every single silver strand stand out. I miss them so much, I realize as I watch them go about their lives but it slowly sinks in that it hasn't been too long since my death and they don't seem affected at all. I must have forgotten somewhere along the line, that my parents hate me.
I follow my mother as she walks around her house, the walls are covered with pictures of Sora and Kairi, and of my Sister's family, the new baby just as beautiful as Naminé. Through out the house, there isn't one single photo of me and I know this is done on purpose. My mother takes a long sip from her glass before the door bell rings and I watch as my father appears with Sora at his side.
My brother looks much worse under good lighting, dark purple rings almost protrude from his pale face and his eyes are quite bloodshot. His hair is laying flat against his head in some parts and a light stubble has started to form along his jawline. He looks nothing like I remember him, and even less with those empty blue eyes. "Sora, why are you all wet?" My mother says, leaving her glass on a corner table and rushing to my brother. "Don't tell me you walked here in this rain!" My father goes towards the bathroom to fetch some towels as my mother nags and my brother shrugs his shoulders. When my mother stands next to him, I notice he's trembling and has lost a scary amount of weight. The petite woman, who was always smaller than him, looks much more filled in than my brother.
"Give me all the pictures of Roxas," Sora suddenly speaks out and even I jump, the crystal ball almost rolling into the empty space between my crossed legs and onto the bed. My mother shares my shock and she stares at him with her wide eyes, as my father walks in with towels and hands them to Sora, who doesn't move to take them. "Give me-"
"I heard you the first time dear," My mother says and turns slowly, I follow her as she leaves the living room and I hear my father telling Sora to grab the towels. I notice my mother is tense as she walks towards the storage on the side of the staircase. Sora appears shortly after and walks towards her as she collects two boxes. "This is all of them," she says, kicking the boxes towards my brother and he bends over to pick them both up. I can tell they have both changed some how, their relationship nothing like it once was when I was alive. They almost seem like complete strangers, and if they didn't look so alike (the resemblance between them clear as day), they'd be able to almost fool me into thinking they were.
"You should leave his memory alone," My mother says and I can hear the fact that she could care less about my death in her tone. "That boy was damned from the start," Even if I hadn't seen her face, seen the look flicker in her eyes, I'd have known for sure she feels no way about it. I wish I didn't feel anything, but I do. A deep stabbing pain in my chest and it's almost worse than the pain I feel when my arm grows back in. I cry harder than I have before and I can barely see them as they stand in front of each other.
"I can't take this," Sora sighs and he turns away from her, walking down the long hall, the towels falling off his shoulders and he doesn't even bother to pick them up. My mother rushes after him, because even if she hates me, she loves Sora. He's her perfect child, the one that did everything she wanted.
"Son, please...what's really bothering you? Your father and I are here for you," She reaches him just before he leaves and he turns around to stare at her. I don't know what he's thinking, and I wish I did because the look he sends her is one I've never seen on his face before. He seems almost like he's choking on something painful, but staring directly at my mother all the while. My brother has never been too tall, but in this instant, he seems to almost tower over the woman.
"What's bothering me? What's fucking bothering me? My brother just commit suicide, I think it's obvious what's bothering me!" He screams at her and all I can do (literally) is stare in shock. My father steps in finally, and I see it in his hard face, the evilness in his icy eyes. He is totally capable of making a deal with the devil, and I don't even know why I doubted it in the first place.
"Roxas was no longer a part of this family. Now take those photographs and leave my house Sora," My father's voice is harsh and my brother backs down a little, my father definitely taller and stronger but I don't think it's because Sora is afraid. I figure he's tired. He's too tired to keep fighting, and all he wants is to go home and curl up and sleep. I remember when I felt just like that. The familiar feeling creeping into my chest now. I find it a little hard to believe both my parents kicked me out of their hearts so easily, and my brother seems to think the same thing as he stares at my dad. They stay looking at each other for some time, my mother watching them both before my brother turns around and leaves the house. He sees the same thing I do. They've considered me dead for years.
He clutches the boxes tight to his chest and cries as he walks, and I figure God must be with him because at least the rain stopped. "I'm sorry Roxas...even if no one else did...I loved you," he whimpers and that's all I can take. I toss the crystal ball towards the foot of the bed and curl up away from it, into the sheets and wrap myself tightly. I love you too, Sora.
"Crying again?" Axel's voice comes back, and at some point, I dozed off. I jump up, ready to run because I've never slept a single night in hell, so what gives? He stops me and pushes me back onto the plush bed, crawling over me and laying down. I lay there tense."You should really stop sobbing. It's a waste of time...or well, for you. I personally love the fragrance your tears leave in the room, kind of like a nice summer rain." Axel smiles over at me as he settles into the sheets and I watch as he seems to almost fall asleep. What the hell?
"Are you going to sleep?" I ask and wiggle around a little until I'm turned towards him. I don't feel any pain around him, and I know I should probably start feeling it soon. He peers at me through one eye before reaching out and dragging me towards his side.
"I'm just going to lay here actually, be lazy." He sighs contently and I stare up towards him, a little baffled by this.
"That's it? Nothing evil? No soul snatching/devouring/destroying?" He starts to laugh before shaking his head. I push myself up using my left arm and I stare down at him. "Will I be able to sleep?" I ask, my tone so serious he opens his eyes and stares at me for a while, before smiling softly.
"I've not met a single soul or demon, who couldn't fall asleep on this bed," He shushes me when he sees me about to say something and he closes both his eyes, holding me to his side. That's one way to end a conversation, I guess. "This is all we shall do today." He breathes, sounding quite relaxed. The sheets feel cool against my body, and the longer I lay here, the deeper I sink into comfort. I give in and curl against Axel because I guess it's better than laying on the hard floor. He falls asleep quickly, or at least it feels like he's asleep...
The crystal ball shifts along the edge of the bed, when Axel stretches out and I bite my lip, my sleepiness completely gone at the memory of my brother on Earth. I try to close my eyes and drift back off like I did, back into blissful sleep (you don't know how much you miss it until it's gone, I suppose) but I can't. All I see is Sora and I'm worried for him, I really am.
A/N: I read this over a bunch of times...(three LOL) so I hope it's okay.
I tried to get all those nasty typos, and I feel like I did a passable job...maybe.
Anyway, enjoy this little addition. Roxas recieves yet another wonderful(?) gift from Axel lol!
It has a purpose, I swear xD
And badaboom badabing, you meet the parents! Great people, are they not? Bahaha ;D
Also, who wants to join me and curl up on Axel's bed? I'll be waiting by Bon Scott's car!
-rushes off towards the highway to hell-
*Oh yeah uh, on a serious note guys: I'll be moving soon, so updates might be slowed a bit.
I figure if it's italic, you'll read it 8D