Flower grinned maliciously as she observed the scene at the Reptile house from a distance.
The body had been removed. Flower had watched from her position leaning against a wall. Now the cops had arrived and were questioning witnesses.
Flower was not worried about being caught. In the real world, pretty little girls can get away with anything, which is the main reason why Fanfiction. Net writers typically cannot get away with shit. Flower reasoned that the cops would just decide that the crowd had killed Mary Sue and arrest them all. Flower decided to find the Dursley's quickly so they could leave before someone decided Vernon, with his gigantic mustache and kindly face, was accused of being the murderer.
Flower raised her hand and rotated her thumb downward, giving off a thumbs down sign to the spot where she had murdered Mary Sue. She then skipped away from the wall, towards the gift shop.
Flower smiled as she noticed Piers, who was ripping apart a giant stuffed blue hedgehog into tiny bits.
"And that was for having such a shitty VA." Piers said, as he ripped the Hog's head off.
Just then, Master Chief, the world's most overrated video game protagonist, walked in front of Piers.
Piers looked up, and laughed.
"Hey, it's that guy!" Piers said, standing up. "Hey buddy! What's it like to be in a video game franchise that completely blows? You've had like… what…" Piers frowned in mock concentration. "No good games, right?"
Master Chief nodded.
"I was hoping you, Piers Polkiss, would inform me on how to become a good video game hero."
"Answer: You can't!" Piers said with glee, as he decapitated Master Chief with his lightsaber. "I'm sorry, but Halo fans are so full of shit, you really don't deserve to live. Everyone knows COD is better anyway. It has Captain Price, for the Author's sake!"
"Ahem." Flower coughed as she thrust out her eleven year old chest and prepared her sultriest smile.
"Oh!" Piers smile faded as he saw it was Flower. "Flower! Ummm… What's up?"
"I'll tell you what's up." Flower said seductively, walking slowly nearer to piers with tiny steps. "You just murdered an overrated video game hero in cold blood." She licked her lips. "Even though the fans will insist that would never be possible."
"Light sabers can cut through anything." Piers said dismissively. "If those fucks think that Master Chief was immune to Light sabers, then they've never read this fanfic."
"Hmmm." Flower said, stroking the side of Pier's face. "You have blood on your cheek. Here, let me get that." She leaned closer, and began sucking Master Chief's blood off of Pier's face. Pier's shoved her off.
"Come on, Flower." He complained. "At least let me take a shower first."
"No!" Flower protested. "I want you in me right now!"
"What's all this?" Vernon asked, as the Dursley's came into view. Piers and Flower looked at each other, flushed, and looked away quickly.
"Ah, nothing!" Flower squeaked.
"Nothing at all." Piers said, more smoothly.
Vernon's eyes narrowed.
A girl was murdered in the reptile house today. Flower, I told you to stop killing people you don't like."
"But the only people I don't like are total fuckwads!" Flower said defensively. "They deserve to die!"
Vernon sighed. "Very well. If I really can't stop you." He turned to Dudley. "Are you ready to go?"
"Yes, let's leave." Dudley said quietly.
Suddenly, an ANYMOUS REVIEWOR DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE INSULTING MY BRILLIANT CREATIONS BECAUSE HE CAN NOT GET LAID.
"Shot gun, please, Dudley." Flower said politely.
Dudley handed his Shotgun to Flower, and she shot the reviewer, killing him instantly.
"Maybe if you washed your hair, you might have gotten laid last year, when you were eleven!" Mary Sue snarled. She turned to Vernon. "I'm ready, let's go."
Flower spent the entire car ride home trying to figure out a way to sneak Piers into the house so they could do some hardcore drugs like Cocaine and Morphine while they had awesome child sex that fuckwads like Charlie Sheen would pay millions of dollars to watch on film. The last time Flower had gotten laid was when before school let out on Tuesday, which was nearly two days ago. She needed relief, damn it. Someone to make her feel les s then perfect. Someone who was willing to hit her, and call her his bitch.
None of these plans came to fruition, however. Piers just went home. He promised to masturbate to her yearbook photo before he went to sleep, though. That should count for something. Flower wondered when she would see him again.
Flower smoked a little pot as she reviewed her essay on why Japanese people are actually hellspawn from another dimension bent on destroying us kind hearted normal people by shitting out ridiculous technology and bullshit animated TV shows and unbelievably awful comic books, which were even more awful then their American counterparts.
She shouldn't have bothered, as all of her sources, citations, and facts were completely correct.
Just then, an owl slammed into her bedroom window. Flower sighed and put down her essay to go put the bird out of it's misery.
It turned out to be carrying a letter. Flower examined the letter warily as the bird roasted over her fire.
Dear Ms. Potter,
You have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery. You have met all of our ridiculous qualifications. Only the very best are allowed to attend our presitigous school, and we are very pleased to accept you into our ranks.
I would also like to congratulate you into being accepted as one of the Top ten freshmen being brought in this year. This means that some standard rules, such as curfew, the ban on sexual intercourse, ban on out of school visits, requirement to do typical homework assignments, and standard uniform will not be compulsory for you, as long as your remain extremely pretty and pass all of your tests.
However, you may be asked to do some work for the administration. These jobs vary slightly, but we are sure someone of your skill can handle them excellently.
Term begins on September First. Your Rocket ship ticket is enclosed with this letter. I look forward to meeting you in person.
Sincerely,
Professor Severus Snape,
Co- Deputy Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Kickassery.
Flower was so caught up in the elaborateness of the prank that she nearly let the bird burn. She hastily yanked it off the fire and munched on it while scanning her book list.
She had heard never heard of Hogwarts. It was odd, because most Elite private schools that tried to recruit her into their ranks at least were super famous. But Hogwarts was an unknown. How strange.
That probably meant it was a Multi-billion dollar school. That meant lots of rich boys would be there. Rich guys were always super hot.
It looked like Flower was about to get laid… and love every second of it.
Suddenly, another owl came tapping on her window. Flower didn't want seconds, but she killed it anyway and stuffed it in her personal refridegarator and examined her new letter.
Dear Ms. Potter,
I would like to inform you that you are going to die in the next chapter. You see, I am going to kill you if you do not follow my instructions explicitly. Firstly, I want you to transfer all of your money into my Gringotts account. Then, I want you to drop out of Hogwarts. Or, alternatively, somehow get a scar across your face that diminishes your beauty. Then-
Flower rolled her eyes and threw the paper into the trash can. It must be the owl version of spam. She resolved to use her powers to set up a literal fire wall outside her window to keep unwanted letters out.
She munched on her owl, thinking about Hogwarts. What was this school? Would it actually teach things or just ask stupid rhetorical questions that the teachers did not know the answer too? Were the teachers hot? Flower amused herself for a minute, imagining other girls having intercourse with a teacher that looked sort of like Link of Zelda fame who kept giving them D's and C's. Flower of course was ranked A-plus. The teacher smiled at her and invited her to come back later. Hmm… That would be nice. He would have chains and whips and call her his bitch, like a real man should.
…
The next morning, Flower ate her second owl, cursing the Greek goddess of Wisdom for being a stupid, ignorant bitch. She did some crack , and went outside for a run.
She ran ten miles in fifteen minutes, which was good, but not her best. Flower reasoned that the drugs must be finally getting to her.
Flower noticed a sparkling man brooding while a emo girl pressed against him, whining into his ear. Figuring this was some kind of ridiculous stunt for some sort of charity, Flower went to check it out.
"But I want to be a vampire!" The girl whined. "Eddie, please. Stick your penis into me. Or make me immortal, I don't care which."
"You want to be a monster, like me?" Eddie asked.
"You're not a monster! You're beautiful! I want to be like you!" Isabella simpered, plastering against him, fluttering her eyelashes. "Besides, I'm really good in bed. Rawr!"
"Hm." Flower said. "This is really good acting. So let me get this straight. The gay guy is a vampire, and still in a closet somewhere. The girl doesn't care about him, but she does want immortality and to fuck a gay guy."
"You stupid bitch!" Isabella snarled. "I care about him!"
"Please." Flower scoffed. "Your body language says otherwise."
"You…" Isabella grimaced. "Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"
"What?" Flower asked, blinking rapidly. "Why are you challenging me to Moral Kombat? I just gave my opinion on what your acting was saying about your character."
"We're not acting." Eddie said quietly.
Flower face palmed. "Shit."
"Round one." Eddie said as he stepped back from the combatants. "Fight."
Flower flexed her muscles. "A pansy emo girl who can't live without a man, eh? This is going to be easier then that time I killed Navi in Ocarina of Time."
Isabella slammed her fist into Flower's face so hard it knocked two of her teeth out. Flower staggered for a moment, but regained her balance. She raised her hand to her face to feel the blood coming from her mouth.
"Ow. Shit. Good thing those teeth were coming out, anyway." Flower muttered as she got into her fighting stance. "Oi! How the fuck did an emo chick get so tough, anyway? Emo's are pathetic people who refuse to stick up for themselves or improve themselves in any way."
Isabella laughed. "Bitch." She rushed Flower and smacked her across the face. Flower was reeling as Isabella delivered an uppercut, knocking Flower to the ground.
"Winner: Isabella." Eddie said as Isabella waved and smiled. Flower jumped up to her feet and prepared herself. "Round Two: Begin."
Isabella tried to rush Flower again, but Flower was ready for her this time. One jab in the face. Grab. Several attacks to the stomach. She's out!
"Flower wins. Round three."
"You stupid bitch!" Isabella screamed. She leapt to her feet and began rotating in midair. She stuck out her leg and attempting to smash Flower into it.
But Flower was done with this shit.
She grabbed Isabella's leg and slammed her into the ground. Isabella screamed as every bone in her face was broken into a thousand pieces. Flower threw her into the air, and she landed with a loud thump. Isabella moaned as she got to her feet.
"Finish her!" Eddie commanded. Flower nodded.
"I'm going to kill you, you stupid bitch." Flower said coldly. "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, right, Low Punch, High punch, Select, start!"
The sky darkened as Flower prepared her finishing move. She pulled Flowers out of her pocket and handed them to Isabella.
"For you." Flower said with a smile.
"FRIENDSHIP. FRIENDSHIP."
"AHHHHHH. RRLY?" Isabella asked, her misshapen face twisted into something that tried to be a smile. THnx, Sis!"
"No problem. You deserve them." Flower said as Isabella made a grab for the Flowers.
Suddenly, the flowers opened and something small flew out and into Isabella's mouth.
"Oh." Flower said, her smile widening. "I forgot that was in there!"
"Wht did u du!" Isabella said, something like panic in her messed up voice.
Suddenly, Isabella winced in pain. Something Snakelike was creating a giant hole in her skin. Before long, there were thousands of them, devouring every edible bit of Isabella from the inside out.
"Oops." Flower said with glee. "Sorry."
"Sorry?" Eddie came as he came striding over. "You, my friend, have lifted her curse on me! You have given me courage! I shall now go and admit to my family that I am in love with Jake!"
"Yeah, that's the thing, no you're not." Flower said as she shoved him into Isabella's skeleton. Eddie screamed as her parasites moved onto his body, and devoured him in absence of their original host's flesh.
"Ah, murdering homosexuals. I love community service."
With that, Flower headed home, wondering whether Dudley had any Cocaine left in his stash.