8. Tears & Breakfast
"Heather? What's wrong?"
There was a pause. Heather felt fresh tears in her eyes as an overwhelming relief flooded her. There was no place she would rather be right now.
"Hey." Heather managed through the knot in her throat, her face contorting as the pain resurfaced when seeing her friend.
Ashley pressed her lips into a thin line, the worry kicking the vestiges of sleep from her eyes.
"Come here." She whispered softly, moving to hug Heather.
She felt silly as she practically jumped to the brunette's arms, holding on for dear life. A sob made its way through her mouth.
She could faintly hear Ashley's soothing words as she pulled her inside.
They had been sitting in the living-room for about half hour. Heather was holding a mug of warm tea on her still shaky hands that Ashley had quickly fixed for her. With her legs under her, while nestling on the couch, she averted her eyes from the form sitting on the floor. Ashley hadn't stopped watching her since they got here, as if by looking away Heather would crumble completely. The tenderness in her eyes warmed Heather's heart, appeasing some of the heaviness.
Ashley breathed in deeply and even before she spoke Heather knew what was coming. As patient and caring as Ashley was, that hint of frustration was already twitching her lips in a way Heather was familiar with.
"Are we gonna talk about it this time?"
No.
That was always Heather's first instinct. But she knew it wasn't fair, not today. She couldn't just barge in, in the middle of the night, crying her eyes out and then refuse to let her friend in. Still, she couldn't make herself say anything. So she looked at her friend and simply nodded.
"Did something happen today?"
Her voice was so quiet that Heather wouldn't have been able to hear it if it wasn't for the deadening silence surrounding them.
She nodded again, moving to wipe the tears away as her face furrowed with flashbacks of what she had seen. They stayed in silence for a while, until Heather stopped sniffing and let her eyes focus on her friend once more.
"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Like I must be going crazy or something."
Ashley scooted closer putting her hand on Heather's knee and holding firmly, encouraging her to go on.
"I lost her."
The broken words cut through the silence and Ashley let out a long breath. A sad smile played on her lips when she spoke, "I don't think that's even possible."
Heather sniveled, the tiniest glint of hope brightening blue eyes before they got dark again.
"As a friend, maybe."
Ashley stared intently, acknowledging the dancer's words.
"I thought I would have the perfect life - the dream. But this isn't a dream. Nothing is right. Nothing at all."
Heather's eyes drifted around the room, not really looking at anything as her mind gathered her thoughts. She frowned, trying her best to find something coherent to say, instead of the mess that so often floated inside her head.
A wave of gratefulness hit her when she saw the unmoving patient gaze Ashley had set upon her.
The tears cracked her voice as she continued. "She had a date today. I saw them together."
There was bitterness in her tone as much as she tried to cover it.
"I don't even know why this one guy bothered me so much. It's just… Nothing is the way it's supposed to be. And suddenly she's there, kissing that jackass and something just hit me, you know?" Ashley nodded. "And I couldn't breathe. Everything came back to me and I felt so trapped."
Heather pressed her eye-lids closed, but it didn't keep the water from flowing down her cheeks.
"I don't feel at home in my own house. It used to feel safe there and now even that is gone. I feel like this huge void grew inside of me. And I ignored it for so long that now it's too late to fill it."
Heather took a shaky breath, stopping a new wave of tears. Her hand gripped Ashley's so strongly it hurt. The brunette moved to the couch enveloping her in her arms quietly.
"What about Taylor?" Her friend asked after a long pause.
Heather took a deep breath in, shrugging hopelessly.
"We barely talk, you know? It was so much easier before. I was like a walking chronometer when I was with him. I enjoyed it but I knew it would end. Maybe I enjoyed it because I knew it would."
Playing with the sleeves of her jacket, she remembered the simple days when the reality of her relationship with Taylor didn't weight on her shoulders.
"You don't have to think much when a week later you won't be seeing each other again for months. There wasn't even much to worry about. And when something felt wrong or we were off, we would shrug it off. There wasn't time to deal with that because one of us would always have to leave soon. But now…"
Letting her arms fall limply, she faced her friend with desperate blue eyes.
"… Now we have all the time in the world and it's a nightmare."
Ashley pressed the girl against her body, offering her shoulder for a very swollen blonde to rest her head. Her face scrunched up in worry watching the broken girl. She looked so helpless now, so unlike her usual lively and strong soul.
"I used to laugh with him." Heather continued. "He's goofy and like such a kid. I used to love that. Now it annoys me. He knows it's been shit since he moved in, but he never says anything. He never did. I used to think that was a good thing. That it meant he loved us just like we were. But now, I just find it frustrating. How can he stand there, knowing everything is wrong and like do nothing? His only worry is how packed the gym will be if he leaves ten minutes later than usual."
Ashley snorted and immediately felt Heather relax in her arms, as if by not judging her, the dancer could speak more freely.
"But have you tried talking to him about it?" She eventually asked.
"I don't feel like I can. The mere suggestion that a serious talk is approaching and he's out the door. He doesn't even have that many friends here. Maybe he just walks around outside our house until he thinks I've forgotten whatever it was I wanted to say." Heather paused before adding more quietly. "I don't press it. Honestly, I don't know what to say either. It feels like it just stopped working."
If Ashley was completely honest, she hoped this day would come eventually.
Their relationship always reminded her of her best friend from highschool - Karen. Karen had big dreams. She wanted to move to LA and become a pop star. They would move in together and while Ashley went to auditions, she would write songs and send demos to big companies. Soon enough, Ashley would get a role in a small movie, then a bigger one, then a bigger one; until she was walking up the stairs to receive her first Oscar. Just like Karen and her Grammys. Their house would be minimalist except for the big shelve filled with their multiple awards.
Ashley didn't have her Oscar yet, but if she ever got it, it wouldn't be Karen holding her hand as she waited for them to say her name. Karen had found herself a boyfriend, a job in their small town's most popular bar. She could even consider a sort of celebrity in that little community. And suddenly that was enough. That security rooted her. Ashley didn't judge her, because it seemed like that was what truly made her happy.
She thought that growing up had changed Karen's perspective on life, until two years before she went back to her hometown. In her Christmas visit what she found was a housewife Karen, with a fake smile plastered on her face and a heavy baggage of crushed dreams. When they talked Ashley felt the resentment and regret in green eyes that used to hold passion and adventure. It broke her heart, but it also made her swear she would never settle for commodity. It made her braver.
And that's why when Heather announced her engagement to Taylor, Ashley froze. She knew the girl inside out and she knew whatever happened, Heather - even if shying away from the spotlight - would do great things in her lifetime. And as she did so, she would live freely, following her passions wherever they took her. But that certainty was shaken as Heather grew that look on her face that Ashley recognized all too well.
Suddenly, Heather described her future just as her mother had always dreamed for her, and step by step it rooted her. Ashley convinced herself that maybe Taylor was another one of Heather's passions, and she would follow it, even it meant building a life different than what she had previously imagined. But something was lacking in those vibrant blue eyes.
She could tell why Heather liked Taylor. He was kind and dorky, good-looking and easy going. He grounded her as her life twisted and turned in Hollywood's crazy spiral. Their fights always seemed too petty and insignificant to ever really cause a break up. But she was still surprised to see it work.
Taylor's whole mind-set was stuck in the past, along with their little town, along with Karen. Heather may have liked their shared background, their similar childhood, but she kept moving while he stayed right where he was. Moving to LA wouldn't change it. Dating Heather wouldn't change it.
But maybe Heather would. Maybe Heather would keep adapting until she lost the spirit behind her blues, just like it was gone from Karen's greens.
That scared Ashley, but it wasn't her life to live. And it wasn't her place to judge.
"And the sex…"
The brunette was brought back from her reverie with a jolt, catching Heather's scowl and having to suppress her laughter at seeing how adorable she looked.
"I hate morning sex. It's like I'm part of his routine. Wake up, stretch, pound Heather, eat breakfast, brush teeth, leave for the gym. Sometimes I fall right back asleep, but do you think that stops him? Nope. I wake up with a groaning man between my legs pumping me like I'm his blow up doll."
Heather's pout made Ashley crack a smile. She could feel her friend relaxing in her arms as she let it off her system.
"I'm getting you never come."
"Those 50 seconds don't do it for me, no."
They both laughed easily.
Ashley wanted nothing more than to make her friend feel better, but it would be short-termed bliss if she let her continue down this route. This wasn't just about Taylor and they both knew that. He was part of it because he wasn't her. The brunette hesitated, choosing her words carefully. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it shortly after. They had barely ever discussed it...
Heather threw a side glance at her with a small smile.
"Just say it."
"You've been living with him for less than four weeks, but you've been dating him for much longer than that. Was it 'moving in' that made you realize that maybe you aren't right for each other?"
Heather seemed a little surprised by the question. They both knew that wasn't what she wanted to ask, but Ashley felt the need to stall. She couldn't take Heather's broken face just yet.
It took Heather a while to answer and when she finally did, she stood up from the couch creating some distance, her back to Ashley.
"People kept praising us for maintaining a long-distance relationship, but honestly, I think the only reason it worked for so long was because it was long-distance."
Ashley nodded, even though Heather couldn't see it.
"I guess I started feeling nervous when we were packing your stuff. It just didn't feel right that I was devastated that you would leave, and not the least bit excited that my boyfriend would move in."
"Heather, I'm flattered. Are you saying you're actually in love with me?" Ashley joked, trying to ease some of the tension building up on Heather.
The blonde looked back, grinning hard. She turned her body to face Ashley and raised her hands in defeat.
"You got me."
Ashley smiled gently at her. "I noticed, you know? And I knew it couldn't be just because your dearest roommate was moving two blocks away."
Heather simply looked at her.
"And then in your birthday. You seemed to feel safe hanging out with your friends. As if you needed it. Now, I know it was your birthday, but it still didn't make much sense to me. Also, no Naya."
Heather smiled. "You know me better than I know myself."
"I think that talent goes to someone else."
It was as if Ashley had dropped a silent bomb. Heather tensed, looking at her friend with that hardened expression she made when the sadness hit her.
"And he looked like a kid who had just got grounded for a month." Ashley added, smiling at the blonde, trying to pull her out of her brooding trance. It was best to keep this conversation jumping from light to serious, she had noticed.
Heather sat on the floor, still looking away. Ashley decided it was too late to run from the subject.
"If I remember correctly, your smile only returned on a very special day at work."
The blonde smiled which, to be honest, stunned Ashley. She was already expecting a deep frown to create lines on the pale forehead of the girl facing her. The silence that followed, however, didn't surprise her at all. She felt bad for pushing so much, but after all these years she knew Heather was a pro at silencing all her Naya feelings. Wasn't that what got her here in the first place?
"How was shooting that?"
"Not like you would think." She said simply. "It was strange, but more familiar than sad. It was as if we got a free pass to the good old days."
Good old days. Ashley couldn't help thinking.
"What about the kisses?"
Heather snorted.
"Aren't you dying for the dirty details?" The blonde smiled playfully before shrugging. "What can I say? It was overwhelming. It felt like…" She stopped, her voice weakening.
"Home?"
And there it was - the frown was back in full force.
"Yeah." She barely whispered. "But every time they would yell cut, we would jump back to the present. We had a lot of fun that day. But as soon as the kissing would start, the present was there and the past got pushed aside. I honestly imagined it would be the other way around." Heather paused before adding with a blush. "But I enjoyed every minute of it."
One image came to her mind as she spoke the words: the sight of brown eyes staring back at her, the twitch of rosy lips as that bittersweet expression was slowly painted on Naya's face. Heather never got what was behind that smile. Was she remembering the past? Did her chest burn like Heather's did? Were butterflies flying in her stomach too? Were her hands clammy like the blonde's? She checked. They were. That made Heather smile. A huge grin creating freckles at the sides of her eyes. And just like in the first year Naya got that bashful grin, averting her eyes for just a second before looking back at Heather and cracking up softly.
"Brittana always made things more awkward. As proud as I am of that story, it was always a curse." Heather continued, letting go of the memory.
"It just reflected the bond between you two."
"Well, I would rather just do my thing and have no one watching it every Tuesday night."
"You could always say you're just a great actress."
"I'm not. And everyone could tell."
Ashley watched her friend as she palmed the carpet like she was watching a painting only her eyes could see. When Heather looked up, the brunette knew they were done for the day.
"You must be exhausted. Go to sleep." She said, already standing up and crossing her arms against her stomach.
"No, Heather. I'm good. I'll stay up as long as you need me to."
Heather smiled gratefully. "I know you would. But I'm tired too. I'm just gonna go home."
"Oh no, you're not. You're gonna text Taylor and tell him I had an emotional emergency. And, as my best friend, you're going to sleep over because you're way too worried to leave."
The look of relief that adorned Heather's face made Ashley sure that she had done the right thing.
When they got to Ashley's room, she fought sleep until she knew Heather was safely passed out. It took a while, and it also took a lot of willpower not to hug the girl as she silently cried herself to sleep.
Heather drove the golf car towards their trailers, both girls rolling with laughter at the looks they were receiving, showing up in their soaked and very transparent clothing. Telly and Kevin were moving their way when Heather parked the tiny car, reaching to grab Naya's arms as tears filled the corner of her eyes.
"They're calling the doc right now to check us for drug consume." Naya continued, holding a trembling Heather that seemed to have trouble stepping out of the car as another round of boisterous laughter invaded her throat.
"Girls, what happened? Was it raining where you got coffee?" Kevin asked, his lips turning up at the sight.
"They make each other wet." Telly murmured, getting kicked in the arm by a wide eyed Naya.
"We need to go get dressed." Heather eventually said, exhaling a long happy breath while holding her pained stomach.
"You really do." Agreed Telly pushing them towards their shared trailer.
Once inside, Heather started immediately undressing. The presence of the shorter girl right behind her didn't go unnoticed. She turned halfway with playful eyes, catching Naya ogling her back.
"What exactly are you doing?" Heather's sharp eyes were fixed on Naya's as her low voice filled the room.
Naya looked shocked and bashful for a quick second before cocking an eyebrow and slapping the blonde's ass on her way to left side of the trailer. She opened the door that connected to her area, but didn't bother closing it as she undressed as well.
Heather found herself grinning at the brunette's form as she whined slightly while taking off the now very clingy garments. When Naya reached her back to undo the strap of her bra, Heather turned on her heels so quickly she got dizzy. Her breath accelerated as her mind played tricks on her for the second time that day. She shook her head to focus on the task at hand, roughly pulling at her clothes as if that would calm her down.
Heather didn't dare turn around until they were both ready.
Already in their cheerleading uniforms, they joined the rest of the cast on the stage set. They could hear Lea's high pitched voice before they entered the room.
"Rachel Berry is wild, write that down."
"She's a self-centered goody two shoes." Amber replied mockingly.
"And a diva." Jenna added.
"She'll probably just stand there and wait for them to satisfy her." Amber continued.
"I know Rachel better than any of you. And I'm telling you, she'll be unstoppable. Quinn is the pretty girl, the prom queen. She's the one who probably just stands there hugging Finn like some koala because she never had to work to get anything or any boy."
Dianna cracked up loudly, pulling Lea by the arm as if she was about to hit her, but instead just interlocked their fingers.
"How exactly did Rachel work for it?" Dianna asked mischievously.
"Are we trashing Rachel Berry? How was I not invited to this?" Naya interrupted in her Santana voice, moving to sit on Kevin's lap.
"Who do you think is better in bed? Quinn or Rachel?" Mark asked with the eager look he always got whenever someone mentioned sex.
"You are all a bunch of pervs. We weren't even talking about sex."
"I think Rachel definitely has a kinky side. The good girls are always the ones you should look out for." Mark continued, ignoring Amber's comment.
"Who do you girls think is the best lover?" Dianna asked calmly with a playful grin that displayed her perfectly white teeth.
"Don't answer as Santana!" Lea threatened pointing at Naya.
"I vote Santana." Heather said, shrugging her shoulders.
Naya turned to look at her with a huge smile on her lips that didn't hide the dark look in her eyes. Heather had to gulp at the sight, barely listening to Lea's complaint that she was avoiding the question.
Staring at the brunette on Kevin's lap Heather continued, advancing slowly in their direction, "She may be bitchy and full of herself, but her insecure side will make her work for it. She'll like want to be the best girl any man or woman as ever had."
"That's true. As the only dude that got to bang all three of them, I know best. But I still think Rachel will be the kinkiest of them all."
"Who's the best kisser though?" Kevin asked. "That's the only fact you got, Mark."
"We go for it." Lea said pointing at both Dianna and herself with a smirk.
"You do." Mark agreed. "Naya is the shiest."
Naya shrugged her shoulders sheepishly.
"What can I say? My kisses aren't for all to enjoy."
Her eyes travelled to blue ones for a second before they drifted away, a knowing smile adorning her lips.
"Sweet lady kisses." Heather whispered.
"Haha! That's such a Brittany thing to say." Kevin noted.
Heather simply nodded, her eyes catching Naya's once more.
When morning came, Heather took a long shower before dressing in sweats that she had conveniently given Ashley.
"I want a part of me in your new home. And in case I ever suffer from Ashley withdrawal, I want to have a pair of comfy clothes to wear after my impromptu sleepovers." That had been some good thinking on her part.
She hadn't remembered to change the night before, but at least now she could go to work feeling clean and comfy. The thought of being on set was uncomfortable enough. At least she had been able to sleep for a couple of hours, considering she only had to go to work at noon. She didn't feel rested, though. The memories Heather had tried to avoid had probed her dreams.
She met Ashley downstairs and the girl greeted her cheerfully, as if Heather's presence had been planned all along. While she prepared their breakfast, with a mug of coffee in hand, the watch-dog look returned to her features. It made Heather chuckle, but also reminded her of something she needed to ask.
"So, what do I do now?"
Ashley turned sideways, not stopping her cooking activities and watching her pensively before turning away again.
"If you ask me, this isn't about Naya or Taylor. It's about you."
Heather walked slowly to Ashley's side, crossing her arms and listening intently. She was glad to give her brain a break and just hear someone else figure this mess out.
"You need to figure yourself out." Ashley continued as if reading her thoughts. "You had a chance with her and instead you chose Taylor. There must have been a reason for that."
The blonde looked away. There was a reason. Lots of reasons, actually. And they were still very much alive in her head.
She valued her family and she valued their traditions. But most of all, she needed their love. After everything they had been through - all the loss - she couldn't put them through such disappointment. What if they shut her out? It would not only break her, but break them as well. And even if she could get through to them…
There was the whole career thing. The thought of losing it didn't bother her much, though. There were many things she would love to do. Acting wasn't all. Dancing, directing, writing… It didn't matter. She didn't need her face everywhere. She didn't need to be seen. Actually, she would much rather not be. But what about Naya's career? The girl had so much talent. Such incredible talent. What would happen if they took that step? Would it hurt her? Would it keep her from showing the world just how amazing she was? Heather shouldn't have to think that way. The world should be better than that. And maybe it was. Maybe Lea was wrong about it all. Maybe her mother was too. And Naya was unstoppable. Even small minded people would have to bow to her greatness. She believed that. But…
What if they didn't work? What if they ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her? Things would change. If they kept going down that road, they would change for good and Heather would never be able to put it back the way it was. What if Naya wasn't going through the same things she was? How would she react to it? Would she distance herself? Would their bubble break for good?
Losing Naya was the scariest thought of all. Now she felt she would lose her anyway.
"Now I'm pretty sure I know what the reasons were, but that's what you have to focus on." Ashley interrupted her thoughts, as she pulled the pan out of the stove and grabbed Heather by the forearms.
"You know why you did, but does it mean something that you were able to do it? Do you really love Naya if you were able to spend all this time with someone else? Or do you love Taylor, who you chose when you had this fantastic woman at your feet? Or maybe you don't love either of them. Maybe you care for both but what you truly need is time by yourself. No one can answer these questions but you."
Heather knew she was right and, as she heard her friend's words, she realized the mess in her head wasn't as confusing as she thought. Suddenly, even if she couldn't change the loss in her heart, she felt like she had the most important answer.
"What I know is - you live with the guy. You made a commitment to him. So you have to handle that first. And during that time you can't let your regret and your jealousy cloud your judgment."
Now Heather frowned.
"Oh, don't give me that clueless look. You know exactly what I mean."
Heather was about to protest when Ashley continued. "I seem to recall someone appearing in my front step crying about seeing her friend having a date with Mr Jackass."
Ashley let go of her and leaned against the counter.
"I can't tell you how to live your life, Heather. But if you truly care for her, and I know you do, you will let her try to be happy."
Despite the growing cold invading her chest, Heather nodded. She wouldn't dare to ruin Naya's chances. Not ever.
"Just because you found yourself in this mess and now you doubt your decisions, it doesn't mean you have to drag her down with you."
The blonde nodded more vigorously, needing her friend to stop stabbing the open wound but not daring to speak up.
"You have to figure your life out without her and then you'll know where she fits. I know it hurts to see her with someone else," Ashley whispered with a compassionate look. "But Heather, she had to see you with someone else for the past two years. So don't be selfish because that would just be another thing you would kill yourself over in the future."
That was the absolute truth. And Heather already regretted many things.
"Don't pull her in, but don't push her away either. Because we all know how you two work. Every time one tries to leave, the other will be there to stop her." The knowing smile in Ashley's lips made a jolt of warmness cut through the freezing sensation inside Heather, and she couldn't help but smile.
"Be the friend that Naya needs you to be. Let her make her own choices. Sort your life out. Right now, you haven't got space for anyone else."
Heather breathed in deeply and then exhaled slowly. She cut the distance between them and hugged Ashley tightly.
"Thank you, Yoda. Thank you. I wouldn't know what to do without you."
A/N: Hello everyone! See? I told you it wouldn't take me as long. So I know last chapter was a bit dark, but I think that's what happens when you find yourself in a bad place and think back to what got you there. When regret and sorrow combine, you hit rock bottom. That's what happened to Heather. Now it's time to climb back up. This was a conclusion to all that. And I'm sorry for that little "brunette" mislead. :P Soon, Heather may face the right one. Also, I'll try to focus on both girls points of view (at the same time) in future chapters. Just like here with Ashley.