Mid-September 1914

Carson looked constipated anytime he looked at Thomas, but for the most part, Carson seemed in very high spirits even though he was losing a footman. The general atmosphere seemed quite different from Gwen's departure. Everyone seemed very disappointed to see Gwen leave but very encouraging about her prospects. The night was full of jokes, and cheers, and even some tears, but all focused on Gwen. Mrs. Patmore had even been able to scrounge up the ingredients to make Gwen's favorite dessert, treacle tart. Her party seemed to focus on sending her off right.

On the other hand, tonight seemed to be less focus on celebrating Thomas and more just about celebrating. John felt he was in the majority with those happy to see Thomas go. Most servants seemed to enjoy the opportunity to have some fun and completely forgot the reason they were all there. Mrs. Patmore had made a cake, but as Thomas reminded everyone, he does not even like chocolate cake.

John knew Thomas was heading off to some hospital, but he was sure it would not be long before he would be placed in the war somehow, either as a soldier or a medic. More and more young men were being pulled away from the estate and town so he knew that Thomas would not be able to avoid the war forever. Wars were not bias in the battleground. Even if Thomas was sent to the front as a medic, bullets can find him as easily as any other. John never liked the man, but he knew war could be cruel to anyone. John hesitated for a moment, but eventually walked over to Thomas and held out his hand. "Best of luck to you, whatever the times may bring."

Thomas sniveled, "I don't need your pity or your luck." And turned his back on him.

John sat back down next to Anna. She had been watching the entire interaction. "Well, you tried. That's what makes you the better man." Anna seemed to have emphasized "better man" compared to the rest of the sentence. He wondered if she was alluding to that night months ago where they had almost kissed. That was the first of many close moments. Would he be able to admit more to her if they had shared that kiss? John was picturing what kissing her would be like when Thomas started being loud.

"William, play the piano. I wanna dance with Daisy and get me a proper send off." Thomas ordered. John was sure Thomas was just doing this to assert his dominance over William one last night. Thomas got a sick pleasure out of undermining any attempt William made towards Daisy. Maybe things will change once Thomas is gone. He hoped so for William's sake.

Most of the attention of the room fell on Thomas and Daisy reminding John of a night years ago. Thomas and Daisy had danced the Grizzly Bear for everyone. He was a different man back then. He only thought of Anna as a friend and now that girl was his everything. Soon a stable boy started dancing with one of the younger maids and he saw another set of teenager's pair off to dance. And yet, John could only look at Anna.

He wished he could dance with her, hold her close, and hear her laugh in his ear. But there were so many reasons why he would not. John wasn't a very strong dance, even before his leg injury, but he knew Anna wouldn't mind. But John could already hear Thomas laugh at his expense. And while others were dancing, if John made a move, the rumors would start. It was normal for the young folks to have a good time and dance around, but it would be very strange to see the old cripple dance with the head housemaid. And John wasn't sure if he could control his happiness with Anna in his arms. Them dancing would draw a lot of unwanted attention. So no, he put that idea out of his head, he would not ask Anna to dance.

But at that moment, Branson came over and asked Anna for a dance. Of course, he was just being friendly, yet Anna looked back at John as if to ask permission. John chuckle slightly and nodded. He doubted anyone else noticed the exchange. As the others began to clap their hands with the music and watched the dancers, John only had eyes for her. She was a surprisingly light on her feet and a skilled dancer. John watched her eyes sparkle as her entire body glided. Even with hair falling loose and sweat on her brow, she looked gorgeous. John felt his owns breaths quicken as he watched her. The tune and steps were very lively so Branson did not hold her too close. Even though John did not feel threatened, he was envious that Branson was able to share this moment with her. As William began to play a different tune, John decided to get some fresh air.

The night air was crisp and cool signaling fall had arrived. John sat on a crate and placed his cane next to him. He could still hear the music and laughter in the servants' hall. He was mulling over his worries regarding Anna. The time had arrived to tell her his side of the story. Yes, she knew about the drinking, marriage, and arrest, but she had to hear about the man he was with Vera. Watching Anna in Branson's arms encouraged his decision. He glimpsed what Anna's life could be like if he was with a young and whole man. If she truly wanted to give that up for John, she would have to hear about the monster inside of him. While John had been able to control the rage and anger in recent years, he always risked losing that control. Not too long ago, he let his anger get the better of him with Thomas. Of course, Thomas deserved the threats, but those actions proved that the rage was still very alive in John. John imagined Anna's face as he would fully explain his past offenses. She would feel betrayed, disgusted, hurt and surely hate him, he hated himself. He could barely stand the thought of telling her, but he had waited too long.

As if Anna knew he was thinking about her, she walked outside. Her face was flushed from all the excitement and her hair was disheveled, but the very sight of her made his pulse quicken.

"There you are, Mr. Bates. I noticed you left but I had to wait until the song was over before I excused myself."

"I'm just upset that Thomas is leaving. I didn't want everyone to see me in tears." John teased.

Anna giggled as she sat down next to him and put her hands in his. He only wanted to remain silent with his arms around her, but he had to speak before he changed his mind again.

John's face grew tense as he pulled away from her. "Anna, I think it's time I told you everything. You know bits and pieces, hints from me and what my mother told you. But, I need to lay the whole picture in front of you, I owe you that. I've been avoiding this moment for months, but I can't keep playing you falsely. The only thing I ask is you listen to everything I have to say before you judge or comment."

Anna's demeanor switched from light-hearted to severe. John had alluded to many things, but it was time he finally confessed it all. John feared if she would interrupt him or try to comfort him, he would not be able to continue. He usually was a man of few words, but tonight, he had to say it all.

"I understand, Mr. Bates. I will be silent."

John took a deep breath. He might as well start at the beginning. "Vera and I married young, too young. Vera thought she was pregnant so I did the honorable thing. Once we found out she wasn't, we were already married, but it was still okay. I had convinced myself that I loved her and would spend the rest of my life with her. We would fight, we both had awful tempers, but it never got too bad. And then Lord Grantham chose me as his batman. The promotion gave hope to us both that we would make something of ourselves. I was just like so many young men today on the brink of war. You heard William the other day. All you think about is the glory you will bring your country, your family, yourself. Yes, you know there's death and risks, but all you focus on is the honor."

John had spoken all of his words slowly and carefully, but he knew it would only get harder to maintain control as he opened up. He was finally prepared to reopen all the wounds of his past but was frightened for the pain he would cause himself and Anna.

"I don't know if Africa truly changed me or simply brought out the worst of me. I have always struggled with my temper. You can ask my mother, I use to get into fights all through school. But the hate and bitterness took over my life. You're out there, day after day, killing men. And soon, you can no longer justify your actions with honor, only hate. I won't describe all that I saw, I try to block most of them from my memory."

Images of mangled bodies filled John's head but he had to shake them off. He already felt nauseous enough; he did not need to relive the war as well.

"I haven't told anyone this before, but if I didn't get injured when I did, I probably would have deserted or ended my life. I realized I no longer knew who I was. God, country, Vera, my mother, none of it mattered, I just wanted it to end."

Anna seemed to think that was the worst of it. But she kept her vow of silence. John noticed she was rubbing his arm to comfort him, but he did not deserve it. More was still to come.

"Being shot was just the beginning of the hell. While I was able to return home, I was not the same man who left. When I first returned, Vera and I feigned interest and compassion, but soon enough we blamed each other for our misfortune. I felt I ruined not only my own dreams, but Vera's as well. And she seemed to think the same. I expected my wife to support me and help me regain my life, but her disappointment butchered any compassion. Vera despised the shell of the man that I became. Our fights became more volatile, fueled by the alcohol and disappointment. I called her names and accused her of things that I don't even want to repeat. As Vera was comforted by lovers, I found my comfort with alcohol."

John's thoughts turned to his mother and how little she knew of his struggles. When his mother had written about Anna, she was curious and optimistic about John's future. But after this conversation, he would be letting his mother down again by ruining the one good thing in his life. If Anna could understand the pain he had caused his mother, Vera may have deserved it, but his mother did not.

"At one point, my mother tried to intervene. She was concerned about my drinking and my marriage. But her efforts were fruitless because it was too late for either issue. I took out my anger and disappointment on my mother. I pushed her away, refused to see her or visit. She was persistent for months, but eventually stopped. Maybe she was tired of being cursed at by her ungrateful son. Not only did I destroy Vera's life, but I broke my mother's heart."

John had not realized it before, but his entire body was shaking. He felt the tears in his eyes but refused to let them out. He refused to look at Anna and forced himself to continue.

"One night, Vera and I were having a row like always. It probably started about money, which was all she wanted me for at the point. She would challenge my manhood, mock my crippleness and what she considered laziness, and curse me for ruining her life. And she took to hitting me and throwing things at me. I would always use my words to seek retribution, but this night, she threw an ashtray at my head. The anger and alcohol made me lose all control."

John's words were breaking up and he felt a tear on his cheek, but he had to finish.

"I approached her and I.. I… I put my hands on her. I pushed her. I meant for it to get her attention but it was harder than I expected. And as she stumbled back, I saw the fear in her eyes. We have fought so many times, but I have never seen her so afraid. I was a madman, yelling in her face, and I actually clenched my fist to punch her. But… but at the last second I stopped and just bent over and cried. Aware that the threat was gone, she told me she knew I didn't have it in me and just left."

John paused and began to wept. He realized Anna's hand was still on his arm which made him more upset. Didn't she understand? He did not deserve her sympathy. John pulled away again.

"Anna, you have to understand. That monster that I was is still inside me. A man who crushes his mother's love. A man who hides from his problems behind a bottle. A man who still feels the rage and anger bubbling underneath. And worst of all, I used physical force against a woman and there is no excuse for that. There are a million reasons why we cannot be together. I will not let you stay with such a monster." John rose and turned his back to Anna, content on leaving her with her broken heart.

"Mr. Bates, wait."

John froze but did not turn around.

"I listened without interruption but now it is my turn to speak. Please sit back down, it is only fair."

John had not expected she would want to talk to him. But she was right, if he was going to pile this all on her, she had the right to tell him to his face how disgusted she was. Reluctantly, he sat back down, he owed her that much. Tears were still welling up in John's eyes. Vera always made him so ashamed of his tears, criticizing his weakness. John shuddered as Anna place her hand on his face and wiped away a tear. She then put her arms around him and he just crashed into her chest. He felt more tears coming and he allowed them to flow onto her. Years of pain and regret were pouring out of him. He should feel infantile, bawling into her body, but he only felt comfort.

"Mr. Bates, people love others not in spite of their flaws but because of their flaws. You are no longer that young man who hates the world." Anna's voice was breaking. It was clear that she was crying too. He felt the tears land on his neck and was anguished by the pain he caused her. "Thank you for sharing this all with me. I'm not going to deny that some of what you told me was shocking. But I am glad you confided in me and do not regret hearing about your past."

After a few minutes, John finally calmed down and sat back up. He saw the sincerity and love in her eyes and felt ashamed. What has he done in his life to deserve the perfect woman? Anna gently cupped his face.

"Mr. Bates, I don't care about your past because I know who you are now. You are sweet, and caring, and strong, and wise, and the best man I know. Have you ever thought that your past has made you a better man today?"

Was she actually commending his weakness? He confessed the worst and she only returned her feelings that much more. How could someone so much younger understand the world better than him?

John wanted to reciprocate her feelings. "Anna, I…" but he paused. He had said things tonight he didn't even realize he felt. And her response was unexpected. "I thank you for tonight. I have never told these things to anyone." Even though she knew everything, shame still filled his heart. He knew she would stay all night with him, out in the cold, comforting him, but that's not what he wanted. "Thank you, but I need some time alone."

Anna just nodded and left. If she was disappointed, she did not show it. John shook his head again. She truly was the most patient and loving person he knew, and yet, he continued to push her away.

A/N:

I warned you, a bit more serious than the last two. I hope Bates' confession isn't too OOC. I struggled with it a bit. It was a bit wordier and less cryptic than I prefer for Mr. Bates, but I wanted to explain his history.

And when I started this chapter, I wanted them to have their first kiss here, but I feel that Bates is trying to be honorable, yada yada yada, and still trying to figure everything out. He's painfully proper, but waiting makes everything better? And I'm pretty sure their whole relationship is two steps forward, one step back. The kiss will come, soon! 87% sure it will be the next chapter.

All of your reviews make me want to keep writing, but this little thing known as school and homework is getting in the way. I have some ideas for next chapter, like having it from Anna's point of view and a bit happier, so hopefully I can find some time in my engineering life of Laplace transformations and Bernoulli's equations to masquerade as an author.