Mid December 1914

John sat down at the servants' table after luncheon. Anna had just left his side but he lingered for a few more minutes. It was his afternoon off so he spent a few moments in silence. Nearly three months had passed since their first and only kiss, but he always awoke with the thought of Anna's lips on his. He wished he could repeat the action, but has been unable to find the right opportunity. They would never dare embrace in the house. Even in the courtyard was risky, but going outside together now was nearly impossible with the freezing temperatures. John had mentioned caution to Anna after their dance. Occasionally, he would risk holding her hand, touching her shoulder, or even pressing his lips to her forehead, but he had not truly kissed her since that night. Anna was extremely patient with John. She seemed to understand that John was holding back not because of lack of desire but because of need for propriety.

John prided himself that their connection has gone undetected by the rest of the house. From the outside, it would seem that nothing had changed between John and Anna. They still spent hours in each other's company, but nothing suggested more than friendship. Or at least, he assumed no one else noticed because he had heard nothing from the younger servants or words of caution from Mr. Carson. As John rose from the table, he realized why no one thought anything. No one expected someone as beautiful and kind as Anna to be interested in a man like him. He could take this as an insult, but instead, was grateful because their ignorance allowed him to spend as much time with Anna as their schedules allowed.

Slowly, John walked out on the grounds. He could only smile because he was getting the perfect Christmas gift for Anna. He had contemplated this decision for the last few weeks. John had considered many gifts and even spent his last afternoon off in search for one. He struggled because he wanted something that would express all the feelings he dared not say and all the actions he dared not take. As John made his way, he thought about his efforts of the last week.

On his last afternoon off, John started his search at the jewelers. Most women enjoyed jewelry so it seemed a logical place to start. He considered buying her a simple pendant or necklace. Even though Anna would appreciate the gesture, as John looked at all the pieces, he could only think of his wife. Vera always goaded John for expensive presents to express his love even though they did not have the means to afford them. For their first Christmas, John scrounged up his wages to buy Vera a beautiful gold chain, but she was offended that there was no charm with it. John had planned on buying her a jewel for her birthday, but after that reaction, he got her a simple tea kettle instead. No, John was not going to buy Anna jewelry. Anna was the most beautiful woman already so she did not need to adorn herself with anything else.

The same thought crossed his mind about perfume. He enjoyed Anna's scent as is and he did not want her to cover that up. Anyways, he was not even sure if maids were allowed to wear perfume. John ventured to a women's clothing store after the jewelers. He spent nearly two hours browsing but was only able to find things to not buy Anna. He contemplated getting her anything from a scarf, a hat, gloves, or even a ribbon for her hair. The majority of Anna's wardrobe came from the girls' used clothes. And while Anna never complained about their condition, John would love to surprise her with something new. But the more John walked around the store, the more he realized he was out of his element. He knew nothing about women's fashion. It was very easy to admire a hat while Anna was wearing it, but nearly impossible to pick up something for her off a shelf. Additionally, John did not know what size Anna would wear. His luck, he would buy something too big, or too small, and definitely the wrong color. John desperately wanted to spoil Anna, but he felt unprepared to make the right choice.

Regretfully, John hobbled back to the house defeated. He was able to vividly picture how excited Anna would be by his gift, how her eyes would light up and her smile cover her entire face. But John could not figure out what would elicit that response. He had one more afternoon off before Christmas so he had to decide by then. John feared the next week would wield the same result, but luckily inspiration struck that night.

As Anna joined John at the table that night, he opened up Pride and Prejudice and began where they had left off. Every so often, John and Anna would spend their nights in this manner, reading together. Some nights, Anna would read aloud, but John usually would be the narrator. From time to time, others would stay around and listen to John's or Anna's voices as they spoke the words. But most of the time, it was only John and Anna. The younger staff preferred to spend their time gossiping or playing games while the senior staff was too busy or had other means of relaxation. At first, John would read from his own collection: Joyce, Proust, Wilde, Sinclair. But lately, Anna had been requesting him to read excerpts from her books. John found himself reading more and more Shakespeare and Austen, but he did not mind. Anna would always listen intently, especially when he read her favorite passages. He found he appreciated the stories more since Anna loved them.

John enjoyed reading, but he would often ask Anna to take a turn. The last few weeks, Anna had seemed more reluctant when John asked. From past experience, Anna clearly did not mind reading in front of him and he had even complemented her narration many times. On this night, John finally decided to question her reluctancy and was surprised by her answer.

As he asked, Anna's cheeks and ears turned scarlet. Finally, she mumbled, "It's a very foolish reason, Mr. Bates, you will laugh."

John replied, "On my honor, I will not laugh. And if I do, you can give me a slap."

"That doesn't sound like much of a punishment, but okay, I've warned you. It's just… whenever I am in bed, rereading passages you have read, I hear your voice in my head speaking the words." She blushed. "It's silly, but I'm able to bring you with me anywhere I go. It's a comfort and it cheers me up." Anna paused as if waiting for him to laugh.

After hearing her response, he was very glad it was only the two of them this evening. The idea of Anna thinking about him in bed was almost too much to handle. She was nearly all he could think about when he was alone in his room. And while Anna did not insinuate that she thought of anything more than his voice, John was sure she imagined him being with her. Even with the restraints of the household, they had both figured out a way to be with the other, in some sense, every night.

"Anna, that's not foolish at all. That's why I want to hear you read. So I can take you with me." He handed her the book. She seemed thrilled by John's response. And that's when John realized he must get her another book for her collection.

John had considered a book before but thought it would not be special enough. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized it was the perfect idea. Anna's confession showed John how much she loved their time together.

Over the next week, John hoped that settling on a book would help ease his anxiety, but now he had to decide which book to get. He was very familiar with the literary works Anna owned so he hoped to bolster her existing collection. He considered buying her a novel, but she already owned many of her favorites. John always enjoyed reciting poetry to Anna so decided to narrow his choices down to verse. For a while, he thought about giving her the sonnets of Shakespeare or Petrarch. But somehow, he felt selfish buying her a book devoted to love when he refused to say the words on his own accord. John never felt this way when he read a love poem from a book she already owned. It would different if he was gifting her those words, as if he was confessing them himself. John would confess it all in a heartbeat, if he was not still married.

John resigned himself to the fact that he had to spend hours in the bookstore until he found the perfect book. And that was John's plan until the night before his last afternoon off before Christmas.

As the servants waited for their dinner, William began to play Christmas carols on the piano. Soon, nearly everyone joined in, except John and Miss O'Brien. John liked the music enough, but his attention again was on Anna. She loved the holiday festivities and her enthusiasm was contagious. In the first time for a long time, John was actually looking for to Christmas. As a boy, he had always looked forward to the day, but mainly for the presents. After his first Christmas with Vera, John began to lose all joy from the holiday. His gifts were always inadequate and he apparently did not dote on her enough. The holiday became less about spending it with those you love and more as an unfortunate chore he had to complete.

But with Anna, Christmas became real to him. Last year was his first Christmas at Downton and he had no idea what to expect. John and Anna's closeness was still in the beginning stages, but he could tell she loved the season. Anna explained to him that while she loved the snow, decorations, parties, and everything else associated with the holiday, she loved Christmas simply for the spirit. She told stories from her childhood how her parents would always manage to surprise her even years when money was scarce. And how everyone just seemed to be nicer and warmer during this time of the year. To Anna, Christmas embodied hope, compassion, and innocence. Anna even mentioned to John how she did not even mind her parents only had sent her cards instead of presents the last few years. The gifts did not make the holiday, the people did. John chuckled now at that memory because he vowed to himself that he would get her a gift the next Christmas and that time had now arrived.

Anna caught John staring at her but only smiled more. "C'mon Mr. Bates, do you not sing carols?"

"I will for you." He whispered, "But normally, I only sing the body electric." He had expected Anna to understand the reference, but she only looked at him confusedly.

As he was about to explain it was Whitman, Mr. Carson walked into the room and all singing stopped. Anna did not inquire anything further after the interruption. Normally, John would have explained it to her, but then he realized that The Leaves of Grass would be perfect. John had always enjoyed Whitman and had borrowed his lordship's copy once before, but did not own it himself. And he would love to expose Anna to some new poetry. He racked his brain to remember the contents of all the poems. Although he could not remember all of them, he did remember a few lewd lines. John's ears burned as he thought about reading one of the racier poems in the collection to Anna. He would have to skip those, but the overall book seemed right. He liked the idea of something completely new to her so that the only voice she heard while reading it was his. John was not going to talk himself out of another book or else he would never buy her anything.

John had finally made it to the bookstore. But unlike his last trip to town, he knew he would be successfully returning with a present. John found a beautiful leather-bound edition with Leaves of Grass written neatly on the cover in gold. There was a plainer copy next to it, but John did not paying double the price for the nicer edition. As he held the book in his hand, he knew he made the right decision. John could only smile triumphantly as he walked back to Downton, whistling Christmas carols the entire time.

Once he was in his room, John stared at the inside cover for nearly twenty minutes. He held the pen rigid as he thought about what to write. Finally, he put the tip on the page and wrote "To My Dearest Anna." John reconsidered the dearest immediately, but it was too late now. The words were written and he would never cross them out. But since John wrote that, he realized he could not sign his name. He wanted Anna seeing a "Yours, John" at the bottom of the page, but he worried that someone else may find his name in her book. Last Christmas, he did not see any of the staff exchange presents with each other. The only gift he had received was a new pocket watch from his Lordship. Even though everyone in the house knew John and Anna were close, he did not want them to know he gave her a gift. He decided he would find a time to catch her alone to give her the book. And so, he did not sign the book to her. Anna would never forget that it was a gift from John. John kissed the cover of the book, for his Anna, and gently wrapped it in brown paper. He place the present into his top drawer and left the room. He found himself counting down the days to Christmas, the days until he could surprise Anna.

A/N:

So I struggled for a while with book John would give Anna and I remembered reading some of Leaves of Grass in high school. I finished writing this and then went to look up Leaves of Grass and it was a bit more risqué than I remembered. I don't think a man would be able to read some of those poems to an unmarried woman in the 1910s. For the sake of the story, it was a censored, PG, version of Leaves of Grass. I researched other books that could have been given around that time, but I really liked the Christmas carol moment and transition to a book idea. So sorry, I took a little literary freedom, but it should not affect the overall story. John will not be reading "Oh Hymen! O Hymenee!" or "A Woman Waits for Me" to Anna.

Thanks for reading and reviewing!