I froze. I couldn't speak, couldn't even breathe as a thousand thoughts raced through my head. Jake just said he wanted to be with me forever. Does this mean he's in love with me? He didn't actually say that. So is he not in love with me? Why do I feel disappointed about this? Am I in love with Jake? Is it possible to love someone not in your same species? Wait-species? That just makes us sound like a bunch of animals in a zoo. My train of thought derailed when Jake grabbed my hand. My mind wheeled as I tried to answer all of the questions whirling around in my head.
"Nessie, let me explain." He looked like he was warring with himself again. Good. Let him struggle a little after all the mental turmoil he has put me through in the last ten seconds. "You are my best friend in the entire world. More than your mom. More than Seth, more than Quil and Embry, way more than Leah. I can't even fathom leaving you. You are going to live forever, so I will too."
I felt like a deflated balloon. So, let me get this straight. Jake wasn't in love with me? Why did I feel like someone had knocked the wind out of me? I pondered this as I responded with "but Jake…"
"No buts. Look, if I were to ever fall in love, which right now the options are pretty slim. I mean, girls aren't exactly beating down my door." He grinned, and I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, if I were ever to fall in love, I guess I could stop phasing and age again. But she would have to be pretty amazing to get me to leave you, so don't hold your breath." He grinned again and smiled a knowing smile. Sometimes I didn't get Jake's humor. He always acted like he knew something I didn't. Ugh. Whatever
"Well, great. I'm glad we can be best friends forever. We should get one of those necklaces that splits in two. You can have one half and I can have the other!" I shoved him good naturedly.
He laughed and shoved me back, being careful not to push me off the steps. "Yeah right. Don't hold your breath on that one." I laughed again, glad that we were back to our old selves. Of course I wasn't in love with Jake. We were best friends and always would be.
"So my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. My actual birthday, not one that Alice makes up every couple of months to throw me a party. I'll be five whole years old!" My actual birthdays were a big joke to me and Jake. Last year, he gave me a child's "You're Four!" card with some kittens on it.
"What do you want to do for your fifth birthday party?" he asked with a grin.
"Alice won't tell me anything, but I'm pretty sure she is throwing a joint birthday party for my mom and me." My birthday was on September 11; my mom's birthday was on the 13th. "She keeps pretending like she isn't planning anything, but she's not fooling anyone. You're invited, of course."
Jake laughed. "Don't worry. I already received my invitation." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the door flew open, and my very angry aunt came storming out.
"You stupid mutt! You swore you would keep the party a secret! It was supposed to be a surprise! Consider yourself uninvited!" Alice screeched at him.
"Alice," my dad said as he followed her out of the house, my mom at his side, "you weren't fooling anyone. Bella and Nessie both knew you wouldn't be able to pass up throwing a party."
"They didn't know anything! I saw Bella being completely shocked as they walked down the stairs, and Nessie would've been surprised too. And besides, I've been very careful not to think about it in front of you. We all know you can't keep a secret from either of them!" She glared at my dad as he grinned and kissed my mom's hair.
"Alice," my mom cajoled, "you know that Nessie and I don't need a birthday party. Every day as a member of this family is a gift." Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Jake, and I all rolled our eyes. Carlisle and Esme just smiled at my mom, and my dad looked at her with even more adoration.
"No! As punishment for ruining my surprise, I am throwing you two a huge birthday party."
"But Alice, we didn't ruin your surprise. Jake did!" I begged. Jake glared at me, and I giggled.
"Doesn't matter. You two are coming to this party, and you are going to like it! End of story!" she yelled as she spun and waltzed back inside. The rest of the family followed her, except for my parents.
"Jake, Nessie, it's getting late. I think it's about time for you both to get some rest," said my mom.
"Yes Mom," Jake said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. He lurched to his feet and held out a hand to help me up. "See you tomorrow night?"
"Yeah. See you then. Good night."
"Sleep tight."
"Don't let the vampires bite," I added, just for good measure. Jake snorted, and my dad rolled his eyes. Jake gave me a hug and then drove off in his Rabbit.
"I can't believe that thing still runs," my mom said as we walked back towards our cottage. "It seems like just yesterday that he picked me up to go to the movies with him and Mike Newton."
My dad rolled his eyes at the mention of Mike Newton. "Are he and Jessica going to get married anytime soon?" He asked.
My mom laughed. "I haven't heard. I'll ask in my next email to Angela. I'm glad we'll be able to go to her and Ben's wedding in the spring."
"Me too," my dad said as we reached the cottage. We stepped inside, and I said goodnight to my parents.
"Don't forget. You have a meeting with Carlisle tomorrow morning at 8:30." I cringed. I had forgotten. "And we have our lesson tomorrow," my mom reminded me.
I smiled. "How could I forget that? See you in the morning. Love you," I added, giving both my parents a kiss on the cheek.
"Love you too," they said in unison. I walked to my bedroom and shut the door. I went into my bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I sighed. Looked like Alice stocked my bathroom with every type of pad and tampon the store had to offer. I put on my pajamas and crawled into bed. It had been a long day, and I fell asleep, exhausted.
Morning came too quickly. I had tossed and turned all night thinking about everything that had happened that day. Mostly I kept coming back to Jake and me, trying to make sense of our relationship. I knew that I felt relieved that he wanted to be best friends forever. However, I also knew that I was disappointed that he wasn't in love with me. Did that mean I was in love with him? Or was I just that self-absorbed that I felt like I deserved to have Jake love me? I didn't think I was in love with Jake. I mean, yeah, I was aware of him physically, but what girl wouldn't be? Even if I wasn't in love with Jake, I had to admit that he was hot. Like, really hot. But I still loved him like a brother, so I tried not to dwell on his hotness. Anyway, I kept going around in circles in my head all night long. When my mom finally woke me up in the morning, it seemed like I had just finally fallen asleep.
She and my dad were already dressed when I emerged from my room freshly showered and hungry. I always ate my meals at the main house. Our cottage didn't even have a kitchen; we only kept a little bit of food here in case I got hungry for a snack. All three of us ran to the main house and walked inside. Esme met us at the door and gave us each a motherly (or in my case grandmotherly) hug. As she kissed me on the cheek, she asked "what would you like for breakfast today dear?"
"Umm thanks, Esme. But I think I'm just going to make myself a bowl of cereal this morning." I saw her face fall. Even though I was the only one in our family who ate human food, Esme loved to cook. She was always delighted to cook for the wolves when they came over. "But don't worry," I added, "I'll eat lunch here today, and I'll ask Jake to invite the wolves over for supper." Esme beamed and ran off to tell Alice of the impromptu party. I poured myself a bowl of cereal with milk and sat at the counter to eat. I realized that my cereal had gone soggy when my mom's voice jerked me out of my daydreams.
"Carlisle is ready for you in his office," she said kindly. I sighed inwardly and poured the rest of my breakfast down the garbage disposal. "It's going to be fine," she added, seeing the dread on my face. "I'll meet you down here afterward for our lessons today."
"Okay," I said. "See you in a few."
I hesitated outside the door to Carlisle's office, waiting to be invited in. I didn't have to wait long. He called me inside and asked me to sit in one of the huge leather chairs facing his desk. Even though Carlisle was my grandfather, inside his office he was Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I still called him by his first name, but aside from that, everything became more formal the second I walked in the door.
"Good morning, Renesmee. I trust you slept well?" he asked.
"Yes, thank you," I lied. He didn't need to know that I was up all night thinking about Jake. There were some things I preferred to keep to myself, regardless of Carlisle being my grandfather/doctor.
"I thought I would first ask you a few questions regarding your menstrual cycle." He seemed to be looking for a response, so I nodded, and he continued. "Has your flow changed at all since yesterday morning?" he asked. I blushed. This was beyond awkward. I really had no desire to talk about my flow with anyone.
"Umm…well…it was…heavier…yesterday than it is today. It seems a lot lighter today I guess."
"Excellent. Have you experienced any cramps? Any breast tenderness?" Now I was really blushing. Even if Carlisle was a doctor, talking to him about any breast tenderness was unbearably awkward.
"Not that I have noticed," I answered truthfully. I honestly didn't feel very different at all.
"Good," he said as he made a few more notes in my chart. "Can you think of anything else to tell me?"
God no, I wanted to answer, but I felt that might be a little rude, so I just answered with a simple "no."
"Alright. Let me know if you experience any changes." I waited to be dismissed, drumming my fingers on the wide arm of the chair. "Also," he continued, "I'll let you and your parents know as soon as I hear anything from Nahuel. If he can make contact with his sisters, we'll have more of an idea what to expect." He closed my chart and smiled warmly. "I think that's everything. You are free to go."
That didn't take as long as I expected. "Thanks Carlisle. I'll see you later." I left and closed the heavy oak door behind me. I walked down the stairs, through the living room, and sat down in the dining room next to my mom.
Over the next hour and a half, we discussed a long list of pointless things, from the subjunctive text in English compared to other languages to the definitions of the Latin roots found in this week's vocabulary list. I found these vocabulary lists completely irrelevant. I formed an extensive vocabulary soon after I was born; only once in a while did I come across a word I did not know. However, these lists created by my mother required me to find where the word had originated, how it was originally used, how its meaning had changed, etc etc. I was getting more and more frustrated with this whole "let's make Nessie waste time every day learning things she already knows" thing.
"What?" my mom's voice interrupted my thoughts.
"What what?" I asked. Why did she sound so annoyed? I was playing along without complaining. She was lucky she was my mom; I probably would have left by now if it was anybody else teaching me.
"Don't use that tone with me, young lady. You've been sighing and moping all morning." I looked at her, really annoyed now. I never even said anything, for crying out loud. I opened my mouth to inform her of this, but she didn't give me a chance to say anything. "I know these lessons aren't your favorite, but this information is necessary…"
"No!" I kind of surprised myself. My mom and I never argued like this. "It's not necessary for anything. I will never need to use this stuff. It's completely pointless!"
"Renesmee, there is no need to raise your voice. Someday you might need these skills in the real world," she said. I could tell she was struggling to control her voice.
"No!" I shouted, really mad now. "Don't you get it? I'll never be a part of the real world! I'll never go to school, get married, have kids, or any of that! How am I going to explain to some human guy that I have super speed or that I prefer to drink blood over human food?" My voice got louder, all of my frustrations with this life I was forced to live coming out now. "Even if I wanted to, do you think that you and Dad would just let me leave, find my own way? Admit it, you wouldn't. Normal teenagers get to go to college; spread their wings and whatnot. Not me. I have to stay here, alone." I could feel tears started to form.
"Renesmee," my mom interjected, visibly upset. "You are never alone here. Everyone loves you."
"You still just don't get it. I don't fit in here either. No one gets what I am going through; I can't talk to anyone who understands!" I pushed back my chair and fled, seeing everyone's surprised faces as I bolted through the living room with tears running down my face.
"No love, let her go. She'll come back when she's ready," I heard my dad say. I tried to block out the image of my mom's face when I abruptly left the table. She looked like her heart was breaking.
I leaped across the river and through the woods, sobbing. I couldn't even see for all the tears streaming down my face. I tripped over something and fell to the ground. I didn't even both to pick myself up off the ground again; I just curled up in a ball against a tree and cried.
I cried tears of loneliness, tears of heartbreak, and tears of regret for treating my mother like I did. I cried because I hated this life I was born into, and then I cried because I didn't actually hate it. I cried for all of those reasons and more, and eventually I just cried without reason.
After I while, I reached a place of peace where there were no more tears. I wiped my face with my hands and took a deep breath, than another. I needed to go apologize to my mom. I stood up to go back to the main house. I looked down at my clothes. I should probably clean up a little first; otherwise Alice would throw a fit.
I walked to the cottage and let myself in. I changed out of my clothes that were covered in dirt from the forest floor and washed my face. I was running a brush through my curls when my mom walked in.
"May I?" she asked. I smiled and handed her the brush. Ever since I was little, one of my favorite things to do is to sit with my mom while she brushed my hair. It was almost down to my waist and full of auburn curls. We sat in silence for a few minutes while she brushed the tangles out, gentle but effective. "It's been awhile since we've done this," she said quietly.
I nodded. "I'm sorry. About earlier," I added.
She nodded. "Me too. Although, I'm glad you finally told me how you felt. You should never be afraid to tell me anything."
"I should have handled it better. I'm really sorry for getting so upset. It's just so hard to be me sometimes, you know? I don't fit in with you because I'm not a vampire. I don't fit in with Jake and the pack because I don't turn into a giant wolf. And I don't have any human friends because I'm not human. And I know it's for my own safety that I'm so secluded, but I feel so…trapped, I guess."
"I don't think you realize how much we all feel that way, at times. We all struggle with not being able to be a part of regular society, Rosalie especially. She hated being a vampire for a long time. Her dream was always to get married and have children, to grow old with her husband. She struggles a lot with what might have been. It's very hard for her to be around your father, you, and me some days." I looked at her in surprise. Rosalie doted upon me with every fiber of her being. "You see, she looks at us and sees everything she ever wanted but can't have. That's why she loves you so much. You are like the daughter she never had. That's why you are so special to all of them. Your father and I were happy to share."
I never realized how alienated my family must feel sometimes. I never thought about how my mom struggles with not being able to see her mom or her old friends. I never thought about how awful it must be to see your family grow old without you, to die while you live forever. In that moment, I was incredibly grateful to be exactly who I was. My parents, my family, would never leave me. From what I heard from Jake yesterday, he didn't plan to leave either. I was incredibly lucky.
"You might try talking to Jake about this too," my mom said, interrupting my thoughts. "He knows all about being thrust into a situation he has no control over. He didn't choose to be a wolf any more than you chose to be a vampire-human hybrid. He used to struggle with it a lot."
"Used to?" I asked, curious.
She smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. "That's a story for him to tell you himself someday. Should we go back to the main house? I think Esme was looking forward to making lunch for you."
"Yeah," I said. "I love you," I said as I gave my mom a hug.
"Love you too."