4) The Newcomer Observes, as Told by Himself
Andrew Roberts exited the elevator with a sigh. It was Monday early evening, it had been a long day at the hospital, and he was ready to go home and flop on his couch. He walked down the hall, oblivious to his surroundings. He put the key in the lock, noticing a piece of paper wedged into the crack of his door. Curious, he pulled it out.
"Dear Mr. Roberts," he read to himself. "Please be advised your behavior was very unbecoming to the residents of this community. We have standards in this building, and there will be punishments and restrictions on your rights and privileges if you do not meet these standards. In the future, do not leave your Sunday paper out until 1 pm. Sincerely, Peter Levin."
What is going on? Andrew wondered. Peter Levin was not the name of the property manager, and Sunday mornings were for sleeping in, not getting up at the crack of dawn to pick up your paper. Besides, he had barely lived in his condo for a week. This was ridiculous.
Shaking his head, he continued to open the door, until a movement caught his eye. Near the elevator bank, an elderly gentleman was hoisting one of the decorative photographs off the wall. On the opposite side, another elderly gentleman, this one in a Hawaiian shirt, grabbed the corresponding frame. Andrew couldn't believe it. First, an annoying complaint letter that made no sense from one of his "neighbors," and now two elderly thieves? He was about to say something when he saw the two men grin and switch the photos on the wall. His mouth dropped.
Blue Hawaiian shirt was the first to notice the audience. He nodded to his partner in crime, and stage whispered to the young man, "Want to help moderate our behavior? Or do you wake up bright and early on Sunday mornings, too?"
Andrew then realized he was not the only one to get a notice on the door. He nodded and walked over. "What are you planning on doing, and how can I help?"
"Well, we figured we could help change the perspective in this hallway a little. We're going to switch things around a bit, and see what Levin does then. You're new, aren't you?" Andrew nodded. Blue Hawaiian shirt continued. "How about a new welcome mat?" He grabbed the nearest one and shoved it into Andrew's hands.
"Also, some of these plants are kind of heavy," the other man stated, pointing at a door surrounding by greenery. He was tall and nearly bald, but had a matching twinkle in his blue eyes. "We figured we could loan some of these out to all the neighbors, except Peter." He grinned at Andrew.
"Glad to help, gentleman." Andrew picked up the largest pot, struggled briefly with it and scooted it over to his door. He could barely move it himself, but yet he had no doubt the two older gentlemen would have figured out a way to redecorate. "How long is this loan?"
"Oh, until Levin notices," Blue Hawaiian shirt said carelessly.
"And you'll know when he notices," the bald man finished. "We will hear it on the other side of town. I'm BJ, and this is Hawkeye, by the way. Care for a drink?"
Andrew nodded. His tiredness was disappearing, and he definitely wanted to make friends with these particular neighbors, or at least not be their chosen enemy target. "Andrew, and I've lived here a week."
"A newbie!" Hawkeye exclaimed.
"Shhhhh, you'll wake Peter," BJ hushed him. "Come inside The Swamp." Andrew looked up. Sure enough, an old weathered sign hung upon the doorway.
The inside of the condo was neat. Pictures hung up on the walls, lots of kids and grandkids, Andrew supposed. There was a huge juicer on the kitchen counter, and a chess board in mid-play on the coffee table.
"So, who is Peter Levin anyway?" Andrew asked.
"Well, he's the man who lives in between us, and he gives us old men a bad name," Hawkeye laughed. "You know, the type that rights cranky letters to the editor of the paper whining about the good old days, and kids these days, and everything these days?"
"And is so busy watching the behaviors of others he forgets to pick up his purse puppy's poo and we get to avoid it or get hit," BJ continued. "His personality is similar to what you wouldn't want on the bottom of your shoe." He paused, made a wry face, then continued. "Andrew, we have tea, water, any kind of juice you can imagine. Some harder stuff too, if you want it."
"Tea is good," Andrew replied. "Herbal, if you have it. I don't want disturb Peter Levin with my nighttime wanderings." He had wondered about who let their dog use the entryway and garage as a restroom. This would also solve the mystery of the teepeeing on the third floor, and the snowman hanging from the balcony next to his, even though it was August.
"You can crank it up, crank it down, have a crank in your muscle, be a crank, but we are not going to let that crank get the best of us!" Hawkeye nodded at Andrew. "I recommend the peach mango rooibos, by the way."
Andrew just nodded. He reminded himself to stay on their good side.
"Hawkeye?" he asked the man.
"Last of the Mohicans, my father's favorite book and only non-medical text he ever read," he replied.
"Medical? I've come to the right place," Andrew smiled. "I work at a clinic off of MoPac, and I'm affiliated with St. John's off of 38 and a half."
"Really?" BJ grinned. "Hawk and I were surgeons, still help out a little at the VA and my little girl is continuing the Hunnicutt tradition. She's an endocrinologist down in Houston. I've got a grandson in med school, too. What's your specialty?"
"I'm a GP, actually," Andrew smiled, somewhat apologetically. "I'm from a small town in Nebraska, near Omaha, and I always figured we needed a family practice doc more than anything else."
"Don't apologize for not specializing, Andrew," Hawkeye looked at him with piercing blue eyes. "I'm from a small town in Maine, and most of my surgery was not surgical, anyway."
"Now Andrew, don't get me wrong, but you seem to have wandered a bit away from Nebraska," BJ handed him a mug, then passed one on to Hawkeye. "The winters were too nice, correct?"
Andrew grinned. "I did my residency in Dallas, and loved weekends down to Austin, and San Antonio. I figured if I could get a job a little further down I-35, I'd be set."
Hawkeye raised his mug. "A toast to Keeping Austin Weird." The three clinked their mugs.
The night passed quickly for Andrew. Hawkeye and BJ were good company, told interesting stories about the children they worked with and people they met. They were very close-mouthed about their plans for Mr. Cranky Peter Levin, but assured Andrew they would let him know when he could be of help.
About three hours, an improved mood and many cups of tea, he thanked his hosts and headed out to his condo, two doors down.
"Andrew, wait," Hawkeye called out as he once again put his key in the lock. "Thursday is First Thursday, our monthly street party. Come with us. My granddaughter will be there, too, and she can introduce you to people your own age."
"I had a great time tonight, and I'm glad to meet people of any age," Andrew replied honestly.
"Hawk, what he means is," BJ smirked, "We're the maturity level of his age."
"I'll drink to that," Hawkeye raised his mug in the air as Andrew laughed and closed the door.
Wednesday night around 8 pm Andrew heard furious pounding in the hallway. He stuck his head out the door. A short man in a red jacket with a little light dog on a leash pounded furiously on BJ and Hawkeye's door. "Pierce, Hunnicutt," he bellowed. "I know what you did! This is a disgrace! You shifted everyone's personal decorations down a door. I'm talking to the property manager about this." He continued to pound even though no one was answering.
"Mr. Levin," Andrew called out, knowing instinctively who this was and inwardly laughing about the forty-eight hour delay. "Please know that your behavior now is very unbecoming to our community." The short man turned on him with a furious look. "I think our hallway decor is just fine. You should check your perspective." He smiled at the man and closed the door.
Thursday night at 5:30 Andrew knocked on the door to The Swamp. He'd have to find out the story behind that name sooner or later. A beautiful brunette with big brown eyes answered.
"Andrew, right?" she smiled at him. "I'm Dani, the responsible one of the bunch. C'mon in," she motioned into the living room.
"What's First Thursday, by the way?" He asked her, looking around for Hawkeye and BJ. Was this a set-up? By the looks of it, Hawkeye's granddaughter wouldn't be a bad date.
Dani followed his train of thought. "Don't worry," she whispered. "Papa and BJ haven't ever, have ever nor will ever set me up with someone. Be thankful they like you, by the way. Then they would have tried to set us up, and then come riding in to break us up. You've seen what they've done to poor Mr. Levin, haven't you?"
"Poor Mr. Levin? I'd lived here a week and already gotten a nasty letter from him," Andrew said with surprise. Why was she taking Levin's side?
Once again Dani appeared to read his mind. "Someone's got to stick up for the man. Even the property manager doesn't like him. I guess it's up to me to be nice since I don't live here."
"Are you close by?" he asked.
Dani led him to the balcony and pointed across the street, a little further towards the state capital building. "See the Starbucks? I live two floors above it. I love Papa and BJ, but I would go crazy living with them now. When I was in high school we lived in the same apartment, and it was like a bad sitcom." She paused for a breath. "Oh, I never answered your question!" She pointed down the street, where vendors were setting up. Andrew could see bands setting up gear, the hum of a drum circle, and plenty of people wandering about. "First Thursday of every month, the shops stay open late, bands play on the sidewalk, people sell fun stuff and we prove all over again that this is the best street in all of Texas."
Andrew looked up and down. "Uh, Dani? Why is that man wearing only a thong and a sash, holding a stop sign?" He rubbed his eyes, double checking what he had seen.
"Oh, that's our local tourism officer. He's directing pedestrians," she replied. "Papa, BJ, hurry it up! The locals are here, so that means things are getting started."
Both bedroom doors opened, and BJ and Hawkeye strolled out. "Shall we make our usual entrance?" Hawkeye doffed his beaten up Stetson and offered his arm to Dani.
"We shall, Papa dahling," she trilled at him. Andrew smiled. He had found a fun place to live.
They stopped for some Japanese noodles for dinner, even though Andrew seemed far more interested in the ice cream shop next door. "What?" he protested at her. "Who doesn't want dessert first?" She handed him a Chronicle and a menu.
"I hear from a little birdie you get the paper, but you need the independent weekly; it's required reading for what's going on around town," she said. "I recommend brown rice, if you aren't going for noodles."
Hawkeye was up first, teasing the order taker. Dani smiled at him. It was always nice to see an 80-year-something man gently flirting with a blue-haired nose-pierced twenty-something woman. She didn't know how her grandmother stood it, without collapsing into peals of laughter.
"Is he always like this?" Andrew asked Dani as Hawkeye proceeded down the aisle to pay.
"Yes!" Dani and BJ answered in unison.
"Now, when Carmen, Dani's grandmother, was alive, he directed 95% of his flirting at her. The other 5% was usually pathetic enough to get everyone around laughing," BJ explained.
"And now Papa has a rep to support," Dani finished. "It does help us get tables around town. No host or server ever forgets him, that's for sure."
Dinner went quickly, Andrew talking about his life in short bursts. Undergrad at Creighton, residency in Dallas, a new place here in Austin. No siblings, a father who recently passed away. He had been to Austin a few times, mainly to 6th Street, and loved walking around Town Lake. He had contacted an agent to help him find a place, and bought his condo, viewed only through the internet. No, he hadn't seen the bats, nor had ever had soup delivered via bicycle.
"Dani," Papa intoned, "You are in charge of his Austin education. This is a serious matter. Can you handle it?"
"My years in the education department have prepared me for this, sir yes sir," she jokingly saluted.
"Whoa!" BJ interrupted. "No military stuff around here. Ice cream for all!" They adjourned next door.
Walking with her fuzzy navel ice cream in hand, Dani pointed out fun facts about all the stores. Andrew, feeling less brave, stuck to Mexican Chocolate and eagerly asked questions. She told him about her classroom, with her new students coming the following week, and how Hawkeye and BJ came two times a week to help out.
"It's so much fun, the first day they pull up in their car. They roll in a lime yellow '67 Thunderbird, and stroll out in Hawaiian shirts. My first assignment is to have the kids write about their car. I teach fourth grade, you see, and the big test is writing that year. Whoever comes up with the best description gets their picture taken with the car, and placed on the bulletin board, until the next writing prompt. The kids love them; they make them write stories and create crosswords and teach them headstands and all sorts of things. It's quickly become a right of passage at my school, if you're in fourth grade you get to hang out with Hawkeye and BJ," Dani smiled at Andrew, her eyes alight with the passion for teaching. "It's still cool to like school in fourth grade."
"It sounds so much different then when we were in fourth grade," Andrew remarked.
"It is, so many more tests! I feel like I end up teaching down instead of up, aiming for the middle instead of the top. That's why it is so nice having Papa and BJ come in; it gives the kids something to rise up to meet," she explained.
The foursome passed an antiques store. Andrew studied an old phonograph. "This looks like fun," he pointed out. "I haven't really decorated, so I need to start finding things."
"I'd wait to come back, Andrew," BJ pointed out, seeing how there were no salespeople in sight. "You already have Levin keeping an eye on you. Don't add the police, too. This is your new home, remember?"
They browsed in antiques, craft stores, a mattress store, a small Italian trattoria and all the wonderful things South Congress had to offer. Dani had to pull Hawkeye and BJ away from dancing too long in the drum circle. "Remember, other people need room to dance, too!" she pointed out. Hawkeye and BJ stuck their tongues out at her, and all broke into laughter.
After completing the loop around, Hawkeye, BJ and Andrew walked Dani back to her apartment complex. She gave the elder gentlemen each a kiss on the cheek, and wished them a good night. "Sunday, 11 am, Jo's?" she asked.
"Affirmative, little one," BJ ruffled her hair.
"You, too, Andrew? Or is 11 too early?" she teased.
"I'll be there at 11, with my paper, and Peter Levin's, too, if I can swing it," he replied. Her smile lit up her eyes.
Sunday morning, Andrew was a block up the street from the coffee-house when he saw Dani arrive, paper in hand, at Jo's, standing in line, petting dogs here and there. The outdoor café, in the center of the street, was a perfect meeting place most of the year. It was a toasty August day, and he hoped they could find a spot in the shade. He quickened his pace and joined her in line.
"I figured your grandfather and BJ were spending extra time to style and smooth and wrangle a free extra espresso shot, so I came down here to look for you," he explained.
"You're probably correct with that one. I'm getting an iced soy chai, what say you?" she grinned.
Andrew ordered an iced mocha, and took out his wallet to pay. Dani protested, but he insisted. "Look at it this way, you can by me coffee next week."
Dani smiled at him. "Deal, but don't let Papa or BJ get wind of that. They, and only they, are the ones allowed to treat me to food without ribbing."
They grabbed their drinks and found a table in the back. Dani grabbed the comics, Andrew the Life&Arts section and sat contentedly in the shade, sipping their iced drinks. The rustling of pages were the only noise coming from the table until BJ flopped down next to them.
Dani felt a kiss brush the top of her head. "Hi, honey," Hawkeye ambled over, armed with a very large cup. "One shot for me, and two shots to go!" He cheered triumphantly.
"BJ, couldn't you have stopped the barista? Three shots? He'll be bouncing off the walls!" she complained.
"What are you talking about?" Hawkeye crowed. "I'll be able to keep up with you, Dani the girl. Speaking of, how was your run?"
Dani nodded affirmatively as BJ explained to Andrew. "Dani's our morning-glory. She wakes up early and goes running! On her day off, too. She did not get that from her grandfather's side of the family. Or her adoptive uncle's family. Or any sane family."
"You have to go early, or it's going to hurt, especially on a day like today," said Dani. "I think you could fry an egg, or at least bake cookies in your car. Pass me Sports, please." Andrew handed her the section. She took it, then proceeded to start arguing with her grandfather about the Longhorns' chance for a national championship in football that year. Andrew buried himself in the business section to keep himself out of the line of fire.
"Dani, I just found tickets up to Chicago for Thanksgiving. Would you be interested in dragging Hawk up to celebrate?" BJ attempted to interrupt the duel between grandfather, humming "Boomer Sooner" and granddaughter, humming "The Eyes of Texas," rather loudly.
"What's in Chicago, BJ?" asked Andrew. He had kept an eye on the two Pierces and one on his coffee, if either of them decided they needed a weapon.
"My son and his family live there. I rotate holidays between there and my daughter in Houston. Hawk and Dani are what is left of the Pierces, and you can see what happens when you leave them alone for long periods of time," pointing to Dani, who had started finding people in the crowd to hum and sing along with her, waving her arms as if she was a University of Texas drum major.
"Did Hawkeye go to Oklahoma?" Andrew asked.
"No, but he's attempting to rile her up, and get us kicked out of here at the same time." BJ slumped down and all of sudden Hawkeye stopped with a groan. "I know the way to shut him up. That should take care of this."
"My shin!" Hawkeye wailed, glaring at his friend. "I was going to win that argument!"
"No, you weren't, unless we were in Norman. Thanks, BJ," Dani smiled and then turned to Andrew. "I think we've got your first Austin assignment, next weekend." She pointed at the Metro section. "I believe the only way to eat hot sauce is when it's 100 degrees out, with no shade, in August in Texas. Bring two canned goods to Jo's next week, and we'll take the bus down to the Hot Sauce Festival."
Coffee passed without any further incident. They pointed out fun things in the paper, argued over the opinion columnists, plotted ways to get rid of George W. Bush, although Andrew had no idea where dressing up in women's clothing would help with that, and drank the ice dry. Dani took her leave after an hour, stating she had lesson plans. She promised to Andrew that she would take him out so he could start meeting people as soon as she had her social life back. It was on hold for the first two weeks of school, which started the next day. This was just fine with Andrew, as he had no objection to waiting for someone like her, but he could not miss the glance between the two older gentlemen accompanying them. He dearly hoped he was not going to end up on the receiving end of one of their pranks.