7) One Last Perfect Day, as Experienced by Carmen Clayton Pierce
"Hawk, can you give me one last perfect day?" Carmen asked one evening after dinner when Dani retreated to her room with armfuls of books, papers and homework. They had settled into Austin a few years ago after Carmen's original breast cancer diagnosis. After all those years away, all those cold Maine winters, she wanted to go home, and that was the time to do it. If she had to suffer through chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy, it would be near good salsa, peppers and fresh tortillas and nice winters. Hawkeye, about to retire anyway, transitioned into working at a local clinic with no evening or weekend call schedule, and Dani was at a good age to move. They found a little apartment with two bedrooms near a good school, and life seemed idyllic.
Now, Dani had just started high school and happily balanced schoolwork and the swim team. Carmen wasn't so happy about driving her to early morning practices at the pool, but it was nice to have some girls time as Hawkeye loathed early mornings and abdicated his early morning chauffeur duties long ago. The ideal life didn't last long. Carmen found another lump in her breast, and the look on the doctor's face was all the information she needed. Her cancer had returned, with a vengeance. It had spread to her lungs and brain. Hawkeye had characteristically quizzed the doctor on every single treatment available, and promptly volunteered Carmen for every experimental treatment they could get her into. She had said no, and they had a big fight over it in the parking lot. The doctor had given her a few months to live. The second doctor concurred. Realizing she wanted to spend her time with her husband and granddaughter and not in a hospital, she said no looking into the third opinion. That was another big fight, this time in the waiting room of the second opinion. This was nothing new; she and Hawkeye always fought, and always enjoyed making up. They loved each other, and despite the literal death sentence hanging over her head, they would get through this as well. They had made up before they made it to the car. Carmen knew Hawkeye had a few tricks planned to try to get her to attempt another round of chemo. She might let him win that one. But before she grew too tired or too sick, she wanted to experience the Austin of her youth with the most important people in her life, which led to her question.
A few evenings later, Hawkeye asked her to clear her schedule for the following Thursday. "We'll get Dani to swim practice and school, and I've talked to her coach. He's going to let her out of the afternoon practice. Your perfect day needs your perfect grandchild, according to your perfect husband." He grabbed her hand and started waltzing around the kitchen.
Carmen grinned and gave him a well-practiced look of innocence, still keeping time. "Perfect husband? Who's that?" She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Sounds perfect."
That Thursday, with Dani safely dropped off at school, Hawkeye drove them out to an overlook by the 360 bridge. He spread out a blanket and laid out a brunch picnic, with beautiful views of Lake Austin and the amazing countryside. It was early autumn and they escaped the heat under the shake of a big oak tree.
"Treats for my sweet!" He crowed to her, showing off fruit and pastries and a thermos of coffee. "I never thought Texas would be as beautiful as Maine, but this view always takes my breath away. Just like you did at that swimming pool all those years ago in that yummy yellow swimsuit."
"Take your breath away? I ran into you. You're lucky I didn't take your wallet," she pointed out.
"You stole my heart, though." He paused. "Okay, sorry. That was laying it on too thick, even for me."
"You think that was laying it too thick? Remember our honeymoon?" Carmen gave him her best attempt at an evil grin. "In your attempt to upgrade our room into a suite you almost proposed to the desk clerk at the hotel."
"His girlfriend wasn't too happy about that," Hawkeye admitted. "But it was worth it! That room had a television and everything."
"So romantic for our honeymoon, Hawkeye." Carmen rolled her eyes at him.
"I don't recall watching any television, Mrs. Pierce." He waggled his eyebrows at her. She laughed and popped a strawberry into his mouth. They picked at the food, admiring the scenery, listening to the birds and the noises of the road and copse of trees beside them. Carmen leaned into her husband, still lean and wiry and perfect after all these years.
Their next stop was the Barton Springs pool. Carmen dipped her toes in 68 degree water and scurried out. "Too cold! Let's just sit nearby." The pool area was near empty. She took a deep breath. There were a few things she needed to say, and hopefully Hawkeye would be willing to listen. "I don't know how to say this, but, Hawk, I know you. You will never give up on finding a cure. So all I ask is, don't get too mad at me when I say stop. Just let me go."
"What? What are you talking about? There are so many things we can do, so many treatments to try, Carmen." He set his jaw and stared off into the distance. She always called it his super-doctor stance. "Don't you dare think I will let you go without a fight." He was starting to squirm. His normal behavior would be to stalk around and wave his arms and alternate making jokes and threats and not deal with the conversation. She tugged his arm to keep him close by, keep him anchored to her for a little while longer.
"I want to go. Please?" She pleaded with him, trying to melt that hardened exterior, trying to ignore his shaking hands. This was it, the time to let that little bubble of hope she had lodged in the back of her throat since her original diagnosis free, revealing the secret longing she had dreamed about for so many years. She just hoped it wouldn't hurt him too much. "I want my baby, Hawkeye. I want to see Karen again. I want to hold my little girl." Carmen watched as Hawkeye's face crumpled and he gasped for breath. She knew it sounded like she was giving up him. She wasn't. She just wanted to see her daughter again, no matter the circumstance.
"I waited more than half my life for that wonderful amazing girl. She was all I ever wanted. I got to hold her for a breath, a breath, and then she was gone. I want to be her daddy again. I can't wait forty years to see her." Tears started running down his face. Her Hawkeye was crying. It was the first time he cried since her diagnosis. "I waited forty years for you, too. You can't give up on me. I can't say goodbye to you."
She fell into his arms and cried out, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." When she had caught her breath again, she started wiping the tears from his face. "I wish you could be with us, Hawkeye. It's not that I don't want to stay with you, I do. It's just that I know I won't win this battle." She paused. "If I have a choice, I want to enjoy this time with you and Dani. I don't want to lose my hair and throw up for weeks at a time and have to recover from surgery. I want every possible breath with you and her. Then, I get to hold my little girl again. Please let me. Please, Hawkeye?"
"Okay," he said, staring off into the distance once more. She interlaced her fingers with his, bringing him back. He smiled at her, the handsome grin that charmed and won so many hearts over the years, hers most of all. He smoothed back her thick black hair. "I always promised to put you first."
They held each other tight and watched the water. Carmen longed for a smile on his handsome face. None was forthcoming, at least not yet. Maybe Dani's presence would help.
Sure enough, it did. Their beautiful granddaughter resembled Carmen physically, but came equipped with Hawkeye's quick smile. They picked up her from school and headed to the state capital building. Carmen had no special attachment to the building or the grounds, but it was home to some of Hawkeye's finest rants about the lack of Maine history in their lives, and how could one survive without knowing Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain and the taste of fresh lobster and maple syrup. What if Dani forgot about snow? How could he call himself an educated man if his own grandchild never saw snow? Carmen's sides hurt from laughing so much.
They had a delicious gingerbread pancake dinner and followed with a visit to the Bat Bridge. Hawkeye grabbed a blanket and Dani helped Carmen down to the grassy area. The day tired her out but she was firmly refusing to admit it. They gathered with the other people to watch the sight of a million and a half Mexican Free Tail bats stream out and start the hunt for dinner.
Hawkeye put his arm around Carmen, and she in turn pulled Dani in close. The three of them sat in silence as hundreds of thousands of bats streamed out from underneath the bridge. It was an amazing sight. So many little bodies, hurtling toward parts unknown, traveling so far and always returning to their nests under Congress Avenue. The sun set around them, the clouds changing color with each minute. The green grass, leafy trees and flow of the river led to Carmen's feeling of contentment.
Carmen left to see the see the bridge a little closer, braving the smell and the few last bats trickling out, wanting to give Hawkeye and Dani some time to picture their new life, a new life without her, she realized with a pang. She turned and watched her beloved husband and granddaughter stand side by side, his long arm loping around her. She etched that picture in her heart. They were lost in their own world. She was lucky to glimpse it.
Dani gave his arm a squeeze. "We're a team, Papa. Nana knows that."
Hawkeye looked down and kissed the top of her head. "I know, Dani. I know."
"I'll never leave you, Papa." She buried her head in his side.
At this, Hawkeye chuckled. "You better, Dani-girl. The world's bigger than Austin, as wonderful as it is. I'll miss you, but you need to fly, too."
"Okay, Papa. Can I always come back to you?" Carmen smiled at Dani's earnestness.
"Always. I'll always be there for you." Hawkeye would move heaven and earth to keep a promise. With this said, Carmen had the perfect end to her perfect day.