N
A separation that couldn't start
|SxS|
|Author Note| Here is the second part of 'Recollection' as promised, I apologise for any grammatical errors. I haven't had time to check over it, yes that's irresponsible but I know if I don't upload it now I never will, life has become rather hectic for myself.
Songs I encourage you guys to listen to:
Hymn of the missing : Red
Titanic: Ocean of memories
Lost in paradise : Evanescence
Top Emotional osts of all times: Krone *
Breaking your own heart : Kelly Clarkson
Ayako Ikeda : Sora no Karera
Tenmon : Distant everyday memories * Make sure to remove the spaces
( : / / w w w . ? v = Y)
(The songs with a '*' are the songs I recommend the most!)
Anyway, till next time!
|Summary|
It was a separation that couldn't start. A separation that would not be accepted by him. (Epilogue of Betrayal)
|Disclaimer|
I do not own any of the characters or the anime. All rights are reserved and belong to CLAMP.
Part 2: Our mistakes and regrets
Syaoran.
Her hair tumbled messily, each of her fingertips tingled.
Syaoran…
She could feel blood rush straight to her toes. Syaoran. The parts of her heart she wrenched shut were unweaving. Living lifelessly in half expectation, she was coming alive again. Her steps were weaker with every step she took.
He was walking ahead of her, two guards trailing behind him. All ignorant of her presence.
She stopped in her tracks.
A blonde walked beside him, her head comfortably rested upon Syaoran's shoulder. He whispered something into her ear which made her laugh, she wrapped her arm tighter around his own.
Her chest tightened, her throat became dry and parched.
"Syaoran?" She whispered hoarsely, tears pricking her eyes. She clutched her fists.
"SYAORAN!"
All heads spun. The guards paled. Syaoran's face darkened. The blonde smirked at Sakura's disarray. He didn't even move from her grasp, he remained rooted.
Time seemed to of stopped.
Syaoran shot a venomous look at the guards in obvious disapproval, he cursed under his breath and slipped casually from the blonde's grasps.
'Why do I recognise her face? Did I see her at the Gala?'
"Gentlemen, I will require your presence in my study tomorrow morning at seven. Please escort Kijimuta san home."
The black haired guard gestured to the blonde, she shot one more look at Sakura, her eyes laughed.
"Kijimuta san" Syaoran warned. Aoi smirked with satisfaction enjoying the power she had over the 'little emerald eyed girl' before her, there was no challenge at all, she flicked her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder and followed the security guards out without another word.
Tension was heavy in the air. Neither one moved, both eyes enlaced with one another. Amber eyes were motionless, cold, sickeningly composed revealing not a single emotion what so ever. Emerald eyes glimmered with tears, emotions spilled from every corner. Confusion, sadness, lonesomeness, isolation. But most importantly, the question 'why?'. Her body language cried why, her soul burned why.
It had been two weeks since she saw her husband - two fucking weeks!
"It's late, Sakura. You should go and rest now." He proposed in a tone as if he were speaking to a client of his, he slipped a hand into his pocket and took out his blackberry swirling on his heels and started walking in the opposite direction.
That's it? That's all he's going to say to her after his absence of two weeks? Without an explanation about that-!
-that woman!
"Who was she? Where have you been? You've been gone for two weeks! I was worried that something terrible happened to you, no one told me anything! How could you leave me like that without saying a word, I needed you! "
A silence followed.
The faint sound of footsteps from down the corridor broke the silence. Sakura thanked kami for this.
He froze. He stood very still - ominously still - for a moment and some kind of emotion, although one Sakura was not accustomed to-had not yet been accustomed to. When he spoke again it became obvious that a change had come over him. Something had snapped. The self control within him was now well dry.
When he spoke it wasn't in his normal gentle voice, it wasn't his business voice, it was a voice that sent chills through her. It rocked her inner soul. His tone was a cruel singsong flippant tone. "Hmmmm" he hummed.
"Ah, yes I wonder. . ?"
"S-Syaoran?" Sakura asked, a bit taken back by her husband's tone.
Sakura still immersed in feelings of loss and abandonment only just managed to grasp that something had happened to Syaoran.
"Oh," he went on, still in the particular tone, "I'm just saying how right you are. In fact, I'll say it again will I? You need me. A round of applause of the lady!" he declared to the invisible audience starting to clap in an taunting dawdling pace. For some reason the intimidating silence made the small gesture so cruel, Sakura's heart continued to break with every word, every clap he did. What had happened? Events had taken a sudden and unexpected turn.
"Syaoran? Of course I need you, I'm your wife. We need each other...you're confusing me, what's wrong? Are you feeling alright?"
"What are you implying?" Syaoran replied unpleasantly, tilting his head back slightly.
"T-The way you're acting...I-I don't like it" she replied apologetically.
"The way I'm acting you say," he murmured in a thoughtful, weighty tone and looked around the room as if he was appealing to an invisible audience. "She says I'm being strange."
"But you are" she countered. "I just asked you who she-"
"I heard what you said," Syaoran interrupted angrily, the singsong flippant tone abruptly gone putting the long forgotten phone back into his business suit's pocket. He took a few strides towards Sakura in a intimidating manner and leant in, over towering her using his height to his advantage. He fixed her with a furious face.
"You said that you need me." He made some kind of a narky, tisky sound and threw his eyes heavenward. "What an understatement!"
He paused - and stared at Sakura, her eyes were wide and confused, her body shivered every now and then. His hard, angry face glued her to her spot like a deer in the headlights unable to move; he was the dominant one. He'd put her back into her rightful place. Selfish girl she was, selfish, selfish girl. Sakura didn't dare speak, she was enthralled fearing what was to come next from her husband...
"I know you need me," he threw at her. " You have need me all the damn time, for some damn thing or the other. How could I not know?"
Sakura could only stare at him.
"You have needed me for everything." he almost shouted.
Sakura's breath hitched, he had never shouted at her. Never. Yes, they may of had their previous arguments but this one had a raw tone to it, a more bitter grudge that had been waiting to be released and to lash at the opportunity.
"You've demanded constant attention," he went on. "And constant reinforcement. And you never give a damn about me and how I feel and what I might need."
Sakura couldn't believe what was happening, how did they even trail onto this subject? Why was he blaming her? She rattled her brain for the answer but none could be concluded, was he that desperate to hide the identity of that blonde hair woman? Was that the secret Tomoyo had warned her about that she needed to see? Had Syaoran been paying the staff money to keep silent?
A wave of nausea washed over her.
"Syaoran..."Sakura said faintly.
'You have not conquered me—it is the surge' Sakura reminded herself.
He ignored her and continued. "You are impossible. I am exhausted from you. I still don't know why I'm still married to someone like you"
'It is not you I love—it is the form'
Anger surged through Sakura, but she bit her tongue. She wouldn't let him get away with that.
She was livid.
"I see. I'm sorry 'dear' husband of mine but I never do recall holding a gun to your head threatening you to stay by my side if you were distraught by our relationship." Sakura hissed, tears burning in her eyes. She felt so small, her pride shattered, she found it barely tolerable to stand there to listen to him any longer.
"No, Sakura," he said speaking through gritted teeth. "Of course you didn't make me do anything."
"Then what are you trying to say to me? Don't you think I deserve an answer for your long absence? For that girl who was linking her arms to you? At least as your wife I deserve an answer don't I?"
"I'm just stating that living with you is a bit like living with a demanding child. You always desire to go out. As though the world was a 'heap of daisies' and it isn't, for you that is. You are always laughing and enjoying yourself."
'That's not true, you never gave me a chance. Ever. You locked me away! You are ashamed that I am your wife, I feel like a prisoner in this house!' Sakura screamed in her mind.
"- So I have to be the adult in this relationship. I have to worry about the money and the bills. You are so selfish."
"Syaoran, I didn't know - I'm sorry. I didn't know I acted so immaturely! But everything was fine, I thought everything was alright-"
"But it isn't", he cut, "I am so damn tired of being strong."
"You should of told me, we could of avoided these secrets between us! Why do you keep avoiding my question Syaoran! Who is that girl? Answer the question! You've been paying the staff to keep quiet haven't you!" she countered.
"Oh, for God's sake, Sakura," he bursted out angrily, "There you go again. Trying to 'score points'. Can't you just let it be? Can't you, for once, just once, accept blame?'
Sakura took this into thought. Was she really the one to blame? Maybe it was her character that caused him to act cold to her, maybe if she changed he would convert back into her husband and everything would be fine again? It must of been her fault. He loved her right? Why would he change like that if she hadn't done anything? She was wrong. He was right. It was her fault. Her fault. All of her fault.
"You just make situations difficult." he sighed. "And I have to clean them"
"That's not true!" Sakura shouted.
"Well, that's how it feels," he said unkindly. "You just don't want to divulge that it's factual. Let me deduce, you've even acknowledged that it was your slip-up in your mind and yet you ignorantly can't say it. Typical. I always am the one to deal with it."
Sakura bowed her head shamefully unable to meet his fierce gaze, her fringe veiled her face.
"And you know, Sakura," he continued solemnly. " You just don't magically wake up one morning and know how to be an adult. It takes time to become a responsible person."
"I am responsible...you just never gave me a chance, you don't know yet" she hovered her hand over her abdomen, where a small bump was beginning to grow. But Syaoran didn't notice this as well. In fact, this would have been his last chance to see that swollen bump as the next day - unknown to Sakura of course, he would disappear for an elongated absence of four weeks which in that absence Sakura would lose the child.
"You lock me away. Away from the light, away from my family, away from reality."
"Then tell me, why was it that I at the end of the day had to take care of matters, hm?"
" Because you lock me away! I did offer you help, but you just kept pushing me away! You said-"
"And you just accepted that?" he said nastily, shaking his head slightly as if he couldn't believe how crass and dull she'd been.
Sakura nodded, feeling incredibly foolish with herself.
He was right. She had let him worry about the pressure of the business world; holding the high demanding expectations that were required of a successful CEO. How wrong she had been.
"I'm sorry" Sakura whispered feebly, just enough for Syaoran to hear. Luckily it was quiet, and no doubt behind the corner a whole group of maids were eavesdropping on their fight, itching to tell the rest the new, fresh gossip to the other staff.
"Well," said Syaoran, sounding a bit warmer. "I suppose it wasn't really your fault. You were always a bit thoughtless."
She nodded again.
"If only you hadn't been thoughtless when it really mattered," he mused. "Because the problems in our marriage aren't just about you not pulling your weight. It is about the way you make me feel, Sakura."
'Why is he talking as if our marriage had ended long ago?'
"What do you mean?" Sakura secretly braced herself for another round of accusations. Accusations that she didn't want to hear, she was on the bridge of covering hear ears not wanting to hear his accusations any longer.
"Let's stop. This subject is tiresome."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," she apologized humbly feeling so small.
She felt sick, sorry.
Sad for both of them.
Sad for Syaoran who had to carry so much worry and burden on his own, sad for herself for being misunderstood. Or was it being sad for being so misunderstanding? Syaoran was the innocent victim, she was the bully, it was decided.
"You must of thought I'd have shattered into pieces during your absence huh?" she joked lightly, her voice quivering. Sakura bit her lip.
"Yes, I suppose I did," he admitted, "Well, you can hardly blame me, can you?" he spoke with a lowered, softer tone. Finally, his eyes softened.
"N-No I suppose not"
Tears began to stream down her face in frustration, she collapsed onto her knees in exhaustion from the heated argument and began murmuring apologies 'I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry', under her breath; her cries muffled into her hand. Syaoran crouched down on front of her and pulled her hands away from her face; giving her a soft smile. He tenderly cupped her face.
"Come now, let's put this behind us shall we? Don't cry, Sakura" he whispered softly, brushing her tears away with his thumb as she gave a feeble nod. He brought his arms around her petite figure and pulled her close, feeling a wet patch grow on his chest where he assumed she was crying, Syaoran whispered comforting words into her ear as she cried her heart out. He rubbed her back in a comforting circular motion.
However...
a sinister, satisfied smirk grew on his face.
'Checkmate.'
He had put her back even further into the cage; this time she would stay.
'But who was that girl?'
"ENOUGH!" Syaoran roared, shattering the memory before him. He didn't want to watch it any longer.
'The truth had set me free.'
His bawl reverberated in the unfilled, comatose space portraying the master of the house. Only his heavy, unsteady breathing and the echo of his voice bouncing off the walls could be heard. Syaoran's body began to shake, perspiration pearled on his skin; his eyes swollen ached.
"Why do you torture me so?"
'Because I did this to her'
He flinched.
'I deserve to be punished, I deserve worse.'
Did his conscious really just say that to him? Did he really want to punish himself? A part of him agreed but the other part screamed in retaliation. Is he crazy? Why would he want to punish himself for something that occurred in the past?
'How dare you betray me...how dare you hurt me in such a way! How dare you do such a terrible thing to me! Scattering me into pieces and I trusted you! I believed in you!Then you broke my trust, my faith, my heart, my Soul, my dreams, my beliefs; my hope...but never again …will I open my heart and faith because you proved …I was right. You're not real.
And even if you are, I Hate you.And I always will.Forevermore my hatred will be never ending,I chose my own destiny now. For you who can even dare to do this! You're tearing my heart in two.Making me torn inside.Between you and everyone else I care about
I Have Been Betrayed...'
He smacked his face lightly in attempt to 'wake himself up', he shook his head and exhaled heavily.
DING DONG... DING DONG...
Like a spider, his eyes crawled to where the sound resonated from. It was the grandfather's clock. It was seven in the morning, the day staff would be arriving soon. A groan suppressed past his lips as he started to make his way up to the stairs and unlocked the door to 'their' bedroom, her valuables and possessions were all still intact; not one thing had been moved- or more like he would not let them be moved. Everything was exactly the way it was except the carpet. The carpet that been stained by her blood.
||SxS||
Syaoran thrusted his weight against the door, over and over again. After a few more thrusts against the door the door's hinges gave way. His arm felt as if it were on fire, he grimaced. That would Definitely lead a bruise in the morning.
Time was running out. Time was running out fast.
He heaved the door out of the way, dissertational amber eyes scanned the room; his whole body shook at the enfolding situation. Was it fear? Fear of losing her? Did he always think that there were no risks at all?
"Sakura!" he screamed not caring any longer if he looked weak.
Sakura.
There, she stood. In the centre of the room. A gun held to her head.
Syaoran began to shake his head, his mouth opening and closing but nothing. He wanted to run! To shout! But his body just wouldn't do it, it held him back. Something, held him back. His will and mind began to struggle against this force as he watched Sakura cock the hammer, he continued to struggle against the strong force feeling it's grasps beginning to slip. There was still hope! He could still make it!
She's slipping Li Syaoran...slipping faster..faster and faster
A lump grew in his throat, a sickening feeling arose in his gut; his heart screamed out to hers but there was no answer, for she had closed herself in a black void where she wished to stay. Away from her worries, away from him. Why would she turn back? She was so close! So close to freedom! It was within her grasps, freedom sat on her hands; all she had to do was grasp it and take it!
Sakura turned her head to face Syaoran, her face was sickly pale; her pain stricken face mocked him. It continued to kill him. It began to hack away at him, bit by bit.
His mind was lost, it was swallowed by the deepest depths of darkness; he had lost it to madness that night. The force's grasp slipped. Syaoran lunged forward towards Sakura.
"Sakura!"
'I hate you'
His body froze.
She wouldn't allow him to deceive herself any longer. No more.
She pulled the gun.
Her body jerked back violently from the recoil of the gun.
Ambers eyes widened.
Emerald eyes were still, pain stricken; wide in fright.
"SAKURA!"
A image flashed in his mind of Sakura sitting alone in the dark, her irises swallowed in a black void.
Blood had splattered on the walls behind her, the gun slipped from her weakened grasp and fell to the floor with a clatter; Sakura wavered on the spot and began to tumble forwards. Eyes wavered, blood continued to paint the carpet in a blood red. She had been distracted by his useless pleas and cries; resulting a mishap when she shot herself. Instead of a fatal shot from the side of her head which would of killed in her instantly...she missed the fatal point...
The bullet had missed her brain stem, and so...she suffered a painful death.
'Why...'
Even 'he' couldn't let her go peacefully, all he did to her was give her more pain. He was so selfish!
'Why is it that you can hurt me so badly yet you remain unbroken?'
As Sakura began to fall forward Syaoran lunged forwards catching her, falling onto his knees bringing his wife down with him. Her body shook violently in his arms from the vast loss of blood, Sakura whimpered under her breath; her breaths coming out short and ragged.
Syaoran's body even began to shudder along with hers, there, in his arms was his wife bleeding to death.
Her blood soaked and stained his business clothes, he desperately cupped the side of her head applying pressure to it in attempt to clot the blood, he drew his hand away to see it was completely covered with a red liquid. This thing lying in his arms covered in blood wasn't his wife, his wife was not this...this red thing!
His eyes widened, and shook. Blood trickled down his arm in streams. Panic swarmed over him. Sakura began to exhale with heavy short breaths, her eyes barely open. She struggled to breath.
'Keep your eyes open! Keep your eyes open!'
Syaoran continued to helplessly watch her bleed, he brushed a finger over her growing pale face and drew it back as if his hand had been burnt. It was cold! So cold!
There was blood. Too much blood.
He crushed her small, battered body against his and cradled it. Rocking back and forth, caressing her hair; stroking it. His eyes closed tight. Syaoran whispered soothing words into her ear, cooing her gently as if she were a scared little child and he the father trying to calm her down.
He listened to the beats of her heart as they began to slow down at an alarming rate, only urging Syaoran to hold her tighter, hoping, praying that a miracle would somehow happen! A miracle that could turn back time!
Her lips were now blue and cold.
With a unsteady, shaking hand he brought his index finger and brushed her lower lip, Sakura's lip quivered under his touch. Why? She was revolted by his touch, she tried to shift her body away from him but no use; in her last few moments she still was trapped and had to cope with his unctuous touch. With the little energy she had left she urged her body to shift away from his sickening touch but no use. He felt his body burn, his soul soaring and killed at the same time.
'Don't you fucking dare' he begged, 'I know what you're trying to do. Don't you fucking dare do it, don't you dare fucking leave me!'
Her eyes wavered from closed to open, the already weakened light in her eyes fading at an alarming rate.
The sound of her blood drummed loudly in her ears.
Her eyes closed, and her body refrained from shaking and limped.
Hot tears trickled down his tired face.
He pounded a fist into the carpet.
He screamed her name.
||SxS||
(A/N:Perfect moment to listen to distant memories by Tenmon!
Make sure to remove the spaces ( : / / w w w . ? v = Y)
Syaoran leaned his head back and drew in a slow breath of the cool, night air remembering her cold body against his...
He had cried and howled her name throughout the lonesome night, the moonlight shone through the French windows that led to the balcony; Sakura's pale skin gleamed in the nocturnal light. So pure. So young. The pain and suffering had vanished completely from her face. She looked like the young, beautiful woman he had fallen in love with.
"Sakura..."
He brushed his knuckles against her pale cheek in a delicate manner, in fear of shattering her feeble complexion.
It didn't even look like she was dead to him, she just looked like she was asleep. Asleep in a peaceful dream of hers that only she would know and no one else. He had pressed his damp cheek against her cold one feeling a tickly sensation of her eyelashes brushing against his skin, wrapping an arm around her body he brought her limp body closer to his; wrapping his arms around her gently, afraid that one harsh movement would cause her body to shatter.
"Sakura...Sakura..." his voice croaked.
Syaoran had remained cradling Sakura's cold, dead body not moving from that spot till a maid from the morning shift had entered the room to change the bed sheets as she always had done every morning as part of her duty.
'I belong to you Sakura, you and only you'
But what she did not expect was to find the mistress of the house drenched in her own blood, dead in her master's arms. Her mistress's blood was dry and crusted in Syaoran's hair; he rocked back and forth in a paranoid manner chanting 'Sakura' under his breath.
Of course, the maid released a horrific scream alerting the other members of the house that something had occurred over the night. Syaoran remembered clearly the shattering scream from the nurse, the soft 'thump' of the long forgotten bed sheets being dropped onto the floor. She backed up and bumped against the dresser causing the priceless vase to tip and shatter into pieces among the floor, Syaoran never did turn around to see her face. He didn't dare to. He just watched her shadow from the corner of his eyes. He blindly listened to the quiver in the maid's voice whispering 'Oh god' over and over as she hyperventilated. A bone chilling scream followed that would raise all of the hairs on ones back. The maid continued to blabber slurred frantic cries as she ran for help down the corridor screaming at the top of her voice.
"Help! Someone! Help! The mistress has been murdered-Sakura sama-! Sakura sama has been murdered! Help! Call the police! Sakura sama has been murdered!"
An uproar from the staff downstairs followed without further ado after the maid's outbreak, a vast number of hurried footsteps were heard rushing up the majestic staircase to where the maid was a few moments ago, the maid leading the way towards their bedroom, explaining what she saw with a panicked and perplexed tone, her voice raising an octave with each step she took with the soft murmurs of the security guards and other members of staff trying to calm her down.
Their voices got louder.
Footsteps came to a halt.
Gasps of horror erupted.
Wails and cries were unleashed.
Security guard's radios went wild.
"Call the paramedics!"
"Call the police!"
"Someone! Check Li sama! Li sama must not be hurt at all costs!"
"Check the mistress! Does she breathe? Someone! Someone-anyone! For god's sake check her pulse!"
Security continued to bark commands at one another in a distressed, hysterical tone, trying to keep everything under bay but were ironically finding it hard to keep calm themselves! A guard swallowed and hurriedly approached the silent, still rocking man that held his death wife in his bloodied arms. The blood spilled in the room could only suggest a massacre. His golden eyes were vacant, much like how he felt at that point in time.
Slowly, not too sure on his master's present frame of mind he bent down beside him at a respectful distance, unfortunately his mistress's face was protectively tucked away from the sight of the guard. Her frail head rested against her husband's chest, strands of hair stuck to one another as of the dried blood.
"L-Li sama? Does she breathe? Is the mistress still alive?" the guard wearily asked; doubt heavily evident in his voice, his eyes widening at the initial point where the blood had spilled from. He noticed his master's arms tighten unconsciously around his wife, shielding her in a protective manner, bringing her closer to his own body. But no answer came from their superior. Syaoran just continued to cradle Sakura's limp body closer, still bent on his knees rocking her back and forth as the security guard neared. He leaned over slightly. His face paled.
The guard sent a look to his comrades who stood near the door who watched silently not uttering a word.
"Li sama, the paramedics will arrive any moment now; they'll escort the mistress-"
"They shall not."
Heads jerked at the sound of Syaoran's hoarse voice.
Was this Li Syaoran? Their master? Their superior?
Was this the very same man that they had feared? The man that would fire an employee with his short fuse of a temper? The man that had brought countless women back to his residence and slept with, while the employees did their best to fill the mistress's head with fruitful lies? The very same man that the business world feared with his wealth and power?
All were rooted in place in disorientation, in all their years of working at the Li manor had they ever heard the Li Syaoran sound so weak. So immobilized. So pathetic.
"But...Sakura sama is..."
"No" interjected Syaoran in a matter-of-factly voice, "She...Sakura, shall not leave my arms, is that understood? She shall not leave my fucking damn arms!"
Syaoran raised his face momentarily to meet the guard's stare to challenge him, a streak of blood smudged on his right cheek. The longer he stared at him, the more feral his expression became, he could feel the change occurring in himself. His eyes glowed a golden hue; he grew more statuesque. Syaoran saw his cold stare reflected in his grey orbs.
||SxS||
Sirens from the emergency services thundered outside the manor house; red and blue lights flashed outside the french windows. Maids and staff ran outside to lead the way.
"Li sama the medics have arrived", spoke one of the security men gently still rooted beside Syaoran, Syaoran merely nodded.
"Through here,"
Paramedics flooded into the room, a woman bent before Syaoran and spoke to him in a hushed gentle tone like to a child yet all he heard were muffled voices and the vehicle's siren scream. He felt Sakura being lifted from his arms, drawing his attention back he lifted his face to meet the paramedic's solemn face, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to let go of your wife,"
Syaoran still not understanding slowly shook his face, his face blank, eyes narrowed slightly in confusion.
Why? Why do you want me to let her go? She won't come back to me if I let go...
"Sir" the paramedic warned more firmly.
He shook his head resolutely.
"Sir, you're wife needs critical attention."
Immediately Sakura was ripped from his loose grasps being distracted. His eyes widened alarmed. Before Syaoran could act a heavy force compressed and held him down, forcing him onto the ground. He screamed and cussed.
Syaoran thrashed violently against the vice grip that chained him down, a firm hand from the back of his hand forced his face against the cold ground. Tears burned in his frustrated eyes as he watched an individual from the medical team lift her limp body into their arms and rush out of the room...
"Sir, my name is Sergeant Takuma, you will now be escorted to the police station by I and my colleague where you will be questioned."
A cold, foreign hand took a hold of his bloody hands behind his back, he felt a cool metal encircle his wrists with a firm 'click'.
" Li Syaoran, you are under arrest on the provisions of being a prime suspect of the murder of Li Sakura. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?"
||SxS||
With the absence of Sakura in his life, Syaoran turned towards alcohol to drown out his worries and nightmares. He would go on for days without resting, he would go out to the pubs by himself and not bothering to change his clothes that he had worn for a week, not bothering to shave, not bothering to tell anyone where or how long he would be gone for. The staff and security had given all hope on retrieving their former master. Who in their right mind would want that cold fiend to return from the dead after all?
Li Syaoran perched lazily on a revolving bar stool and drank his fourth pint of beer in that night, his vision unfocused, speech slurred. The air was chocked with the smell of cigarette, drug and sex.
'Another one' he mouthed at the bar man who couldn't give a damn about his customer's well being. The sound of a woman's laughter caught his attention. Turning his head towards the sound he squinted his eyes from the harsh light from the dance floor, a drunk woman giggled in the arms of a drunken man, the two groping each other in their drunken state.
A pounding ache bit the back of Syaoran's head. Winching at the irritating pain he rubbed the sore spot slipping off his bar stool blindly ignoring the cursing bar man that had just returned with his drink. Syaoran stumbled heavily drunk through the crowd of sweaty youths that grinded against one another on the dance floor, flashes of green, yellow, neon pinks and blue dominating his view.
A skimpy arm curled it's way around his arm tugging him roughly, in a daze he saw a blur skinny figure, blonde...blonde hair...and a black...black short dress? Syaoran gave up deifying the blurred figure that purred for his reply with the pounding ache in his head that seemed to get worse, the music around him all but a loud hum.
"...ome...on...aby...I...an..give you a...good...time!" her voice squealed over the booming, dominant music, Syaoran with a unbalanced gaze stared at her confused only receiving what it seemed to him a broken sentence.
"Piss off" Syaoran snarled ripping his arm from her snake like grip.
Blurred figures moved around him like ghosts, voices veiled by the deafening music blasting from the huge stereos, once out of the building the cold gust of the night's winter air flooded his lungs like water. His breaths coming out as smoky clouds that dissolved into the hoarfrost air.
"Look where the hell you're going, buddy!" a man growled as Syaoran bumped into him, Syaoran merely murmured a grunt as he continued to make his way. An elderly, drunken man stumbled out past one of the pub doors he was passing by and toppled over onto the back alley in front of him. The pub's doors swung back and forth on their hinges and the music of a jaunty violin and raucous laughter from inside spilled out into the cold air. He reeked of ale and sweat and the front of his clothes were stained with it too. The drunk man, completely out of his mind, carried on with the song inside at the top of his lungs; a wide, drunk grin grew on his face. The cold bit at Syaoran's skin with inner delight savoring the taste of his warm, hot skin from the alcohol.
The dark blankets of the morning shrouded the streets and it's dark proceedings, the moon full and opaque in the clear night sky, casting the streets in a pasty glow. The air was crisp with the faint smell of the waters carried on the chilly breeze. His black shoes tapped along the wet pavement ground as his eyes toured the dingy alleys. He stumbled, slipped and skidded on the pavement covered by a blanket of ice, lights wrapped around buildings twinkled and winked. With great struggle Syaoran staggered down the ice painted lane in a body he felt that was not his own, the voices in his head continued to follow him.
'Tsk, tsk, tsk. What a waste of life you are, giving up so soon Li Syaoran? Are the curtains closing so soon already?'
"fuck off..." Syaoran droned in a drunk slurred voice.
'Fool. How can I go if I am you? What are you searching for? Why do you live? No family no friends, so what is it? Tell me great Li Syaoran'
The cold wind licked it's lips in delight.
The cold February wind crawled up his leg, and rattled his knees. He took a step forward, in which he misplaced it left and found himself staggering to keep himself upright, quaking unable to support his legs, he collapsed onto his knees and slanted his body against a brick wall. The faint sound of the blasting music from the nightclub faintly lingered in the air. In a hunched position blurred shadows walking on the pavement walked by disregarding absently the drunken, broken man in a heap on the street. The street was completely deserted, a lonely sight indeed with only the street lights lighting parts of the avenue. He clutched his stomach, coughing. He could feel the alcohol subsiding and the pain kicking in as his eyes watered.
His eyes grew heavy.
As broken, lifeless eyes fixed on the pavement he noticed dark spots begin to appear. His brow furrowed.
Snow.
Snowflakes cascading from the heavens above fluttered towards the ground, melting into a transparent liquid as the innocent flakes touched the sinful earth. The snow fell silently. They glided through the air, floated like a flame.
The snow came in the night; turning the whole street white, a cold wintry site. He felt the wet snow land on his cold skin creating a burning sensation. The flakes looked so pure, so innocent to him...the most beautiful creation of nature. No words could describe this sensation, the delicacy of one tiny flake, that would eventually fall and break. He drew his hand away from his body and reached out to catch a single snowflake, with curious eyes like a child he watched the flake twirl, dance and spin till it settled upon his hand, he clutched his fist and waited. After a second or two he opened his fist of a clam to see the pearl...the flake had melted into water...
His hands, his clasp and grip has destroyed the innocent, delicate flake...his decisions had to withered his own flake away, his wife, his Sakura.
In the serene silence he reflected on his life-his memories. The thoughts of his so called loved ones were drowned out by the influence of the intoxication from the alcohol.
|SxS|
He recalled walking late in through a park seeing a mother and a small child in a plump winter's coat waddle beside her, hand in hand. The child's cheek was plump, powdered with red. The child puffed heavy, staccato breaths short of breath as the child tried to keep up with the mother. The child's curious eyes met his suddenly which jolted him. New born eyes that looked through him, constantly analysing and learning every second. The child gave released a bubbly giggle and gave Syaoran a large smile.
What would his child of looked like? Would it of had his hair? Would it of have his wife's eyes? Her soft features or thin lips?
A wave of mortification washed over him as the child and the mother walked passed him, he halted in his footsteps, time slowed around him. His grip on his suitcase loosening, eyes aghast and fixated on the path. The sudden urge to meet this little person he had never got the chance to be acquainted with blossomed inside of him. He pondered on what the feeling...the feeling of holding your new born child in your arms would feel like. To watch them grow, and lose teeth and hold them as they cried from falling over. To...
'It's dead you fool. Dead and gone. Stop dreaming about such irrational things.'
Someone...shut the voices from my mind, kill them quickly or I might die from this punishment...
'What are you talking about? You are already dead inside.'
|SxS|
Is life supposed to be full of pain? It's been a year and it's all I have felt, breathed and lived. Was I supposed to want to die every day?
"You..." he leaned his head even more back focusing his eyes on the heavy grey sky that predominantly hung above him, a muffled cry escaped him, a single tear ran from his right eye.
I'm feel tired...
He smiled a sad smile, "You must really hate me...don't you, Sakura" he spoke into the Winter wind in a hoarse whisper. Syaoran began to breath heavier forcing more mist to escape his mouth, his face and hands swollen with a blotchy red, no longer able feel his body.
Ah, yes. This is how I should feel. Cold with no feeling what so ever.
A bitter pleasure intruded his quiet thoughts.
I feel...so so tired...
Tired from the lack of sleep and the intensity of the alcohol consume his body the need to rest his eyes for long time came to surface. He attempted to open his eyes not bending down to this paranormal power but his body pressed that small voice down and urged him to sleep, to sleep and to dream. Syaoran's mind retaliated violently.
Where are you now?
Her body jolted when he started violently pounding his fists against the door constantly, Sakura felt as if she was drowning. The room was suffocating her…she needed to be free.
'Stay awake! Stay awake!'
Are you lost?
"Sakura!"
His conscience smirked darkly, ' Let him be, it has been decided. This weakness disgusts me to witness continuously.'
Will I find you again?
Blank green eyes looked back at him.
Syaoran felt his body shake and shiver viciously, his skin veiled with sweat yet he remained unfazed. It was an odd feeling. He could feel it and at the same couldn't, as it he himself has sunk deep inside his body and that his body was now just an empty shell
Are you alone?
It was like every other lonesome night; she would wait in the empty study room for her husband to come home late as expected.
He had sunk far too deep. Too deep to return.
Are you afraid?
Everything seemed to go so slow for Syaoran, his eyes only concentrated on her tear stained face. Her hand shakily cocked the hammer a strangled whimper escaped her.
He felt his body become suddenly light and grow cold as his eyes closed firmly and limped against the cold, brick wall heavily.
Are you searching for me?
"I said open the fucking door dammit!" He roared, his voice rising in desperation continuously hammering the door aggressively. But still his pleas went ignored…
Syaoran continued to sink further into the peaceful deepness that wrapped him in soft wings, his mind no longer spat and flailed but remained calmed. The darkness continued to lull him softly pulling him further away from the surface. The light and his life has extinguished, taken away without a warning or sign. He was left abandoned, left in the darkness trying to survive, to survive in a world so new, so different to him.
Why did you go? I had to stay!
'Don't you fucking leave me! Don't you fucking dare!'
He stands in the darkness in his mind. He stand precariously on a piece of solid ground barely large enough for his feet, around him, a vast expanse of desolation and broken shards of memories for as far as he can tell.
Now I'm reaching for you!
He screamed her name, lunging forwards he reached towards her...
It waits...
Will you wait? Will you wait?
BANG BANG BANG
'Open the door, Sakura!'
Will you wait for me, Sakura?
With extending arms it engulfs Syaoran in a permanent shadow, an invisible wind wisps through his brown hair, his eyes closed; his head limped against the shadow weakly. A breath leaving his lips.
Will I see you again?
tick, tock, tick, tock
A hole inside his chest burnt through his empty heart.
tick...tock...tick...tock...
He sank deeper.
tick...tock...tick
He wanted to rest.
tick...tock...
On the street, on a cold February evening, a hunched figure remained unmoved. Snow fell from the heavens above and covered the hunched figure in a blanket of white.
tick...
The grandfather's clock in the abandoned Li mansion chimed.
||SxS||
Kinomoto Sakura committed suicide on 1st April 2012
Li Syaoran died of alcohol poisoning on 13th February 2013. Body found frozen on the street, slanted against wall.
||SxS||
|| Review && Subscribe to see more of my work in the future, thank you for reading! ||