Disclaimer: See chapter one.
A/N: Um… I'm not Christian. I only know the vague details anyone in the US winds up with as a result of living in a very Christian country, so please forgive me if Jayne's thoughts here aren't quite right. If you must, consider it artistic license or possibly a new branch not yet founded here on Earth-that-Is.
Brompton Cocktail
Chapter Seventeen
Jayne barely managed to make it through the meal. The food was good enough, if flavored a bit strangely for his taste, but seeing Kaylee and Simon all cozy-like made something deep inside himself twist sharply. Coupled with the side-effects of the pentazonithal and the Opianax, he could barely swallow the last few bites. He abandoned the table as soon as it was possible for him to do so.
On reaching his bunk, he barely paused long enough to deposit his belt on the desk and strip off his boots before stretching out on his bed, his eyes closed and tucked into the elbow of his left arm. Bet the doc's workin' up ta gettin' a fancy li'l ring for Kaylee. Wonder how long it's gonna take 'im? Took 'im eight months ta work up enough courage to admit he liked 'er, an' a further five for 'im ta make it all official-like. So… 'Less he does somethin' really gorram stupid, I'd wager on two, maybehaps three months afore Kaylee gets ta add a li'l sparkly ring ta her collection. Moisture leaked up behind his eyelids, oozing into a thin film between them and his arm. Ain't gonna get ta see it. Just like I missed seein' Kelly's. Didn't get the chance ta stand up for 'er at her weddin', neither. Just like I ain't gonna see Kaylee's.
"There a pa'ticular reason ya seem ta hate me, God?" he mumbled. "'Twasn't enough ya took Kaida? Morley an' Adelaide? Pa an' Thad an' Jax?"
His breathing hitched a little. He wasn't crying. He wasn't. No, 'twasn't enough ya had ta take all m'family. Ya had ta go an' lay this on me. If it weren't for the fact I wouldn't've started down this road if ya hadn't taken them first, I'd be okay with it. Payment's always gotta be made. If I'd been just a merc, 'thout no family lurkin' in m'past but parents, then I could see how I'd need ta pay for the killin' I done with m'own blood. But ya set me on this path. Why're ya takin' me from it now? Wasn't one family enough for ya? Ya gotta take me from this one, too?
A great black pit opened up somewhere in the neighborhood of his left pectoral. Guess I musta failed somewhere. Maybehaps I shouldn'ta did what Ma wanted. Smaller sin than killin', I s'pose, but I ain't never been one ta disobey Ma, not on nothin' big. An' there ain't nothin' bigger 'an family, ain't nothin' more important. Still hafta wonder what it was I done wrong, though. Ain't never hit a woman what didn't try an' kill me first, an' I never took one what wasn't willin'. Never kilt kids, cripples, or feebs. Fought like hell itself when the reavers were after us when we was tryin' ta get that capture about Miranda out, an' even managed to save Zoë from the reavers, all of it simply 'cause Mal asked me ta go.
Yeah, I kilt a mess o' men in my time, but I'd be willin' ta swear whatever oaths were needful that any man I kilt deserved it. Yeah, I took coin for most of 'em, but a body's got needs. Hard ta eat if there ain't no coin an' it's hard ta live if there ain't no food. Another not-sob hitched out of his throat.
The not-caring haze of painkiller somehow couldn't touch the torment he was currently feeling. In truth, Jayne would have been more capable of ignoring it with physical pain to distract him. "Ain't tryin' ta justify all the bad I done," the thoughts continued aloud. "Ain't that t'all. I know I ain't been someone what's gonna go ta heaven. Even if ya was ta push aside all the killin', I know I ain't been good. I lie an' steal an' cheat when I can. Drink an' whore. Ain't a good man, I know. Thing is, though, I used ta be. Worked for m'family, loved Kaida an' the kids. Did right by 'em ev'ry gorram second I had 'em. Used ta be honest an' followed all the rules Shepherd Lensworth laid out in church ev'ry Sunday. Can't figure what I did 'at made ya take 'em from me."
The thin film of moisture between his eyes and elbow trickled in a tiny stream back towards his temple, a cool counterpoint to the building throbbing in his head. Knowed I was gonna get sent ta hell for a long while now. Payment is always gotta be made. I got my coin for all the men I've done for, an' I knowed with 'at first death I was gonna pay it back one day. Ain't it enough for ya 'at ya took m'family, 'at I know I ain't even gonna get ta see 'em after I die, 'at I'm bein' taken from Kaylee an' Zoë an' Mal, hell, even the doc an' River, too? Ya gotta drag it out like this? Make me lose m'self in the process? Never tortured no one. Intimidated, sure, an' made 'em think torture was comin', but I never actually did it. Why're ya torturin' me? Ya want me dead, an' I can see that, but couldn't ya have just had m'luck run out?
A strange bit of humor surfaced and the sounds emanating from his throat took on a tinge of gurgley laughter. Shouldn'ta tried so hard when Mal had me in the airlock. Gettin' spaced is a damn sight better 'an this. Deserved spacin' for what I did. That it, God? That what made ya so pissed at me? I mean, I know it weren't what had ya take m'family, but is that what's got ya killin' me slow? If so, I s'pose it ain't no more 'an I deserve. Was just luck we made it offa Ariel.
The torrent seemed to be coming to an end. He still felt as though someone had placed a black hole somewhere inside his chest, but his thoughts had run out of steam. Rolling over, he blindly swiped faintly-pink tears from his elbow and face before burrowing under his blankets. He was asleep in moments, his dreams uneasy.
A/N2: This was a shockingly easy chapter to write. But then again, they've all been easier than I've been accustomed to.
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