Chapter Two

Two Families, Zero Religions

I am sure you are wondering what a two-two is. Well it is me, Karen Brewer. I am a two-two because I have two of everything. In fact there should be two of me. That would be gigundoly wonderful for my two families. It would be the best thing for the whole entire world really.

You probably want to know why I have two families. Well my mommy and daddy got divorced. My mommy moved to a poor people neighborhood and dragged me and Andrew with her. Daddy stayed as his mansion where I deserved to be. At first we just visited Daddy on weekends but now we alternate every month.

Not only did Mommy and Daddy separate but they got remarried. Mommy married a poor carpenter named Seth. One time I turned on the Christian television channel and there was a show about a man named Jesus who was a poor carpenter and saved the whole world with super powers. I got a spanking when I asked if Seth was Jesus. I do not understand why. I mean they are both poor carpenters so it would have been very cool if Seth had super powers too. Seth has a cat and dog named Midgie and Rocky. I have a rat named Emily. We practically have a zoo.

At my Daddy's house, there is my stepmother Elizabeth who is a meanie mo just like Mommy. It must be a mom thing. Then there is my step-grandmother Nannie. She is mainly good for food especially candy. She runs a candy business and I think she should give me more free candy but she says it ruins her profits. What a meanie mo! Next I have three ugly stepbrothers Charlie, Sam and David Michael. Sometimes I imagine that we are in the fairy tale of Cinderella only with ugly boys instead of girls. I am always Cinderella.

I also have a stepsister named Kristy. I used to like her but lately it seems like she is Daddy's favorite daughter which is gigundoly unfair. Daddy says it just seems this way to me because Kristy is well behaved and nice compared to me. I am an angel though. It is just that no one understands me at all.

Last there is Emily Michelle who is my adopted sister. She is the biggest spoiled brat on the whole planet. She could murder the whole family in their sleep and people would still think she was adorable. She is like the girl version of Andrew.

Thinking about Andrew made me remember that I had unfinished business with Mommy. I marched downstairs. Mommy and Andrew were sitting at the kitchen table playing Candyland. Andrew was losing as usual. That is because he is a loser baby brat.

Mommy looked up from the board game, "Oh hello, Karen. Ready to behave like a sane person again rather than a monster?"

I almost scowled at her but I did not want to go back to my room. Instead I put on my best sad face and said, "Mommy, I am really sad. I miss Daddy." This was a flat out lie. "May I call him please?"

Mommy gave me a sympathetic look, "Of course you may, sweetie. I know it is hard for you and Andrew sometimes."

I skipped to the living room phone. I did not want Mommy or Andrew to hear my conversation with Daddy. It was very private and important business. I picked the phone and dialed Daddy's number.

He answered on the second ring, "Hello, Watson Brewer speaking."

"Hi Daddy! It is me, Karen." I twirled the phone cord around my fingers.

"Hi pumpkin. What is new with you?" Daddy sounded happy to hear from me but a little wary also. I felt bad he believed all Mommy's lies about me but there was nothing I could do to win his trust.

"Well Daddy, all my friends go to church but I do not." I decided to be honest.

Daddy sighed in a way which reminded me of Mommy, "Well honey, some people do and some people do not. We just do not."

"But we read the Bible at Christmas once!" I whined.

"Karen, a lot of people do that to learn about some of the origins of Christmas. I do not think that is a reason to go to church." Daddy sounded slightly amused which angered me. I would have beaten him up if I was at the big house for thinking I was funny.

I was not going to give up, "Daddy, I really want to go to church."

Daddy was firm, "No, Karen. I do not go to church. Your mother and Seth do not. That is not what anyone in our families does. I am sorry you are jealous of your friends but we are not going to change."

I got desperate and decided to lie, "Mommy said I could go to a church if I wanted."

"Oh she did, did she?" Daddy's voice sounded frosty all of a sudden. "Put your mother on the phone please, Karen."

Startled to be caught in my lie, I slammed down the phone. A minute later the phone rang and Mommy must have picked it up in the kitchen. I did not think anything of it. It was probably a telemarketer. I wandered back out to the kitchen to find a snack. I had not gotten ice cream like everyone else so I figured I deserved one.

Mommy was arguing with someone on the phone. Andrew was staring at her and chewing on the red Candyland piece. Mommy screamed into the phone just as I walked in, "Watson! I swear I never told Karen that. I would never take Karen to any church. You know that. You know how badly I punished her when she watched that Christian children's show and called Seth Jesus."

Mommy was silent for a minute, "Me turning Karen into a spoiled brat and a liar?" What about you?"

Mommy still had not spotted me. I hit behind the doorway where I could still hear. "Uh huh… Uh huh… Yes, we will have to have a long talk with her and come up with a punishment for lying."

"Yes, I completely agree with that. A week without television might do Karen a world of good. She is probably getting most of her schemes from television. Okay, bye Watson." Mommy hung the phone up and I scurried upstairs before she knew I was there.

A week without television for telling one tiny lie that had not hurt anyone? How gigundoly unfair! I sat on my bed and held my little house half of Tickly.

Soon Mommy came into my room. "Karen, I realize you are disappointed about not having a religion like Bobby and Nancy but it is one of the things Daddy and I agreed about at the divorce. We decided it was better to raise you and Andrew without religion so that there would never be a conflict between Daddy and me. When you grow up, you may choose any religion you like if you are still interested. Daddy and I will be fine with that but for now you need to accept the decisions that Daddy and I made even if they are not fair. We have decided that you will go a week without television for lying to Daddy. I hope you will think next time before you tell another lie."

"Okay Mommy. I am sorry." I pretended to look meek and sad and Mommy looked satisfied. I was not really sorry and I was not giving up on my dream. I was going to belong to a church no matter what and I was not waiting until I grew up. Nancy and Bobby did not deserve to have anything I did not have. I would think of a way to get what I wanted. I always did.