I was still on the ground when the sun came up.
But I didn't want to move.
I just wanted to lie there and wallow in my guilt and pain.
Why did I even think for a second that Tanya could replace my Bella?
I groaned into the damp earth.
How could I think that she could be my distraction? Did I even want one?
No, I thought. No I don't.
Than what was Renesmee?
I thought about that for a second.
I guess Renesmee would be like my morphine. Something to treat my pain, to almost make it fade.
But the pain would still be there. Just hiding in the background.
Small, but noticeable.
Renesmee.
The one thing that made me, is making me, think twice about going to the Volturi.
Small, but noticeable enough to change my life.
I sighed and made myself stand.
In minutes, I had stolen-er-borrowed a Saleen S7 Twin-Turbo.
I smiled, through my pain.
This car was fast.
When the road had cleared, I hit the accelerator, the speedometer hitting the 248 mph mark.
I felt bad about taking such an expensive car, but I don't think the person needed it anyway.
I slowed down and stopped to get gas.
I was trying to go fast, but I guess I couldn't change how slow the numbers on the screen went.
I sighed.
All of a sudden I was hit by a picture and not just any picture.
It was a picture of Bella.
I flinched at the image, but at the same time a warm feeling took over me.
It was so amazing to see Bella in a thought that wasn't mine.
I looked over from where the thought was coming from and saw someone unexpected.
Charlie.
All of his thoughts and feelings washed over me.
Pain, guilt, sadness, despair, depression.
An echo of my own.
He felt my eyes on him and glanced my way.
I saw myself through his eyes.
My dirt covered jacket was unzipped and my chest was bare, thanks to Tanya. My hair was a mess, with mud and grass caked into it. My black eyes.
And my face, filled with such emotion, such despair and pain.
I flinched again.
All of a sudden there was anger in Charlies face and his mind. Such hatred.
For me.
He rushed toward me.
"Look what you did to her! Do you see what you did?" he screamed.
His fist came up, trying to connect with my face.
I quickly and gently grabbed it before he broke his hand.
"Charlie, stop." I said gently.
He tried to hit me with his other hand, and I grabbed that one too.
He screamed in outrage.
His foot flew up, and in a flash, I had his two hands in one of mine and his foot in the other.
I dropped his foot, and, as gently as possible, pushed him backwards.
He fell to the floor.
"You murdered her!" he screamed. "You took her away from me and you killed her! You-"
"Do you think I don't know what I did!" I shouted, so loudly that Charlie was silent. "Do you think I don't feel guilty everyday? Every second? Do you think that I don't feel the pain?" My voice broke. "Do you think I don't feel it? Every minute, every second of the day I think of her! I feel the pain like someone ripped my soul into shreds. Like a knife. I don't even know why, how, I'm still here! Why I haven't just killed myself yet!"
"I loved h-"
"Well so did I! I loved her with every piece of my body, my mind, my soul!" My body shook horribly, and I slid against the small wall next to the gas pump, bringing my knees up to my chest and trying to control the sobs that were taking over. "I loved her."
I put my head in my hands and, without tears, I sobbed heavily.
The next thing I knew, Charlie was next to me, tears streaming down his face. He put his arm around my shoulders.
"You and me both, kid."
Right then, I realized it.
I was not alone.