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Chapter Eighteen – Sic Infit (So It Begins)

-Alex-

I'd known that breaking the news to Addie about David's betrayal would be hard… just not this hard.

I had watched anxiously as the emotions flickered across her face: confusion, disbelief, horror, and then denial. I thought about reaching out to her across the table but even her parents weren't doing so—it was best to let her absorb it herself. Forcing my eyes away from her, I saw that Margot and Joseph were quicker to react but with denial not acting as their prime emotion. Margot, as steely though soft she could be, was close to tears, her face lined with disbelieving anger. Her husband's jaw was set in frustration and I knew that if he'd had anything in front of him, like papers or a pen, he'd have thrown them.

"We're sorry," Ben said from beside me. He was leaning with his hands folded on the table, gazing intensely at the family.

"We had no idea," Julia Stark added. The hardness that she seemed to have been born with had suddenly disappeared, replaced with the heavy weight of distress. Even Brian James next to her was no longer his cocky self; he might've been about to cry.

Then Addie stood up abruptly, barely removing her eyes from the spot on the table she'd been staring at.

"Excuse me," she whispered and stumbled from the room, leaving the rest of us in guilty silence. A moment later Margot stood to follow after her daughter.

Ben heaved a sigh, rubbing his face in his hands. Across from him, Joseph was shaking his head. "I really trusted that man," he muttered. "All of it was his idea? His plan? From the very beginning?"

This was the first time I'd seen him since the fire and the signs of wear and tear were visible in his eyes. Tired wouldn't have covered half of how the man looked. I could tell that he was probably more angry than unhappy about David's betrayal. After all, David had been like a family friend.

"Yes," I answered quietly. I wanted to say more but I had a feeling that nothing would have consoled him.

The door to the conference room opened and Margot's head poked in. "Alex?" she called.

I pushed my chair back, not meeting anyone's gaze at the table, and went out into the hall. Addie sat on the floor with her back against the wall and her arms wrapped around her knees. Margot put a hand on my arm and said quietly, "I'll be inside if you need me." I nodded, not looking away from Addie.

As soon as we were alone, I dropped to the floor and bent my head to find her eyes. Her hair had fallen down the sides of her face but I could see the green irises brimming with tears above her knees. Immediately I took one of her clenched fists, gently loosening it to hold her hand in both of mine. She sniffed and lifted her head, using her free hand to wipe her cheeks. "Sorry," she said, her voice thick with tears. "For bringing you out here, I mean. I just didn't… I needed to get out of there."

I squeezed her fingers. "No need to be sorry."

We sat in silence for a while, the only sounds being her occasional sniffles and sobs. Eventually she dropped her knees and sat crisscross, lifting her head to look at me. Her eyes were red and wet and her cheeks were flushed. The sight of her distraught face sent a stabbing pain through me, accompanied by the hatred for David that had budded as soon as I figured out who he was. As I reached to brush away her tears, she opened her mouth to speak. "Did he seem… different… at all to you? You know, when he… after—" She broke off, pressing her lips together.

I wanted to tell her the truth yet part of me wanted to protect her from it. It was bad enough that the man she thought she knew had been plotting her death behind her back. Confirming that he was a madman seemed like adding insult to injury… But then again, she didn't like being lied to. I remembered what had happened after we'd told her the real reason I was here. "Yes," I answered, "but also no." I proceeded to explain, at the same time discovering the details myself. "It was almost like a Dr. Jekyll-and-Mr. Hyde experience but of the strangest sort. While the David that you know—er, knew was there, the David that was desperate to save his family was also." I took a deep breath, watching Addie's face. She was focusing on the carpet before her but I knew she was still listening attentively. "Now that I think about it, I know he didn't want to hurt you. If there had been any other way, he would have chosen it."

"Then why didn't he try? Why didn't he try to find another way?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe he did but… I guess it turned out that his best chance was you."

She glanced up at me, no longer crying. "And you," she added softly.

My throat tightened but I nodded my head stiffly. "And me."

Shaking her head, she gave an exasperated sigh. "I'm torn between hating him and missing him, Alex. I just don't know what to feel."

I pulled her towards me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders as she leaned into my chest. I could smell her hair; strawberries again. "I know, Addie. But you know what? You can do both at the same time. Miss him as you knew him: the family friend, the man who taught you and protected you… But don't dwell on anything other than that. That other part of him isn't worth your tears."

She gripped my hand firmly and I felt the sobs wracking her body once more. Gritting my teeth, I rubbed her back, trying to calm her. I didn't like seeing her upset; for a headstrong girl like her, it seemed wrong. "Thank you though," she said, sniffing and turning to look up at me. Despite her tears, she managed a small smile. "For everything."

Underneath all the morbid feelings and thoughts clouding my mind, there was a glimmer of happiness. I gave her a reassuring smile back, touching my fingertips to her cheeks. "Anytime."

By the time the meeting was over, several things had been settled. To my slight surprise and Anthony Payne's satisfaction, Addie had decided to stick with her job for the summer, while keeping the number of assignments at a minimum. With her plans to go to California for college (she'd made the snap decision right then though she was probably going to change her mind later), she was going to be even less involved in working with the CIA, since that meant working with a different team on the west coast. Currently, there was some work being put into finding a new unit leader, though Stark had actually vied for consideration. I knew that if the situation had been different and James had looked horrified, I might have laughed.

After some time, I could feel the end coming. It was lurking around the corner, my old life that I'd endured before coming here. Of course, during the prom last night Addie and I had talked about us and what was going to happen. We both had admitted that we didn't want it to just end abruptly, not when things had changed this much. I wanted her in my life for a reason other than my unwavering feelings for her; no matter how hard I'd tried to leave the spy stuff behind me, it just kept catching up. Even when Addie was an agent herself and could relate to me on these levels, I had still learned to embrace it and accept it as part of my life… and that's what made me who I've become. That's what had confirmed my want and need to be with her. She was my tie to the spy world I'd longed to leave behind, a filter that let me see the bright side and morphed my bitter hatred into submissive appreciation. I could no longer tell myself that the good things weren't there, not when Addie was one of them.

Monday, after they got out of school, I spent time with Addie, Kylie, Arianna, and Derek at Arianna's house. Mother Nature had decided to grace us with ninety-degree weather and buckets of sunlight, forcing us to lounge in the backyard on the immensely green grass. Mrs. Reynolds was an avid gardener; the entire house was surrounded by roses, lilacs, tulips, lilies… all the ones I recognized and more. Their perfume was nicely thick in the air but not enough to suffocate me. Yet.

When I'd asked for the bathroom, Arianna had guided me inside where the planting obsession seemed to let up a bit. Her home felt warm and welcoming despite the floral patterns and occasional vase or bowl of flowers, but I found it funny to see a framed alphabetical list of some plants and their meanings hanging across the toilet. I was still chuckling at it afterwards when I entered the living room. Arianna was there, standing at the short bookshelf near the sliding doors that led to the backyard. Addie's back was to me as she sat on the grass with her face to the sun and Derek and Kylie were further away, kneeling by a bed of flowers.

Arianna turned and saw me. "There you are." She took a blossom from the vase sitting on the shelf and held it out to me. "Give this to Addie."

I frowned at it, cautiously approaching her.

"It's a flower, Alex. It won't bite."

Ignoring the comment, I asked, "What's it called?"

"It's a primrose," she answered, placing it in my palm. It was actually an attractive flower; its five petals were white around the edges, turning a light pink that darkened into red and then met as yellow in the center. "Her favorite," she added.

"Addie has a favorite flower?" I heard the astonishment in my voice but I was unable to help it. She'd never mentioned liking a particular flower, only liking any that "smelled good and looked pretty." She may not have been a girly person, but she did like flowers.

Arianna raised an eyebrow and nodded once at my hand. "She will once you give that to her."

I couldn't figure out why she wanted me to do this, but I figured that perhaps she was trying to help. Though sometimes the girl acted naïve, she always had good intentions—that was what Addie had said. Arianna might've been doing me a favor; I found myself forming the question in my head as I approached Addie from behind, holding the primrose delicately.

She had her eyes closed as I peered around her head. "Don't open your eyes… but tell me what you smell."

I heard her sniff the flower I held under her nose and her forehead scrunched up in concentration. "Well, it smells really nice… light and, hmm, like spring… Yeah, like spring. There's no other way to say it." Her eyes opened and when she saw it, a smile broke out onto her face. "Aww, it's so pretty!"

Grinning along, I seated myself beside her. "Addie, I know I'm going to sound like a fool saying this…"

She gazed at me curiously as I twirled the primrose between my fingers.

"But I want to make it official," I finished. Taking a deep breath, I asked, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I offered her the flower, watching as she stared at it.

The blood pounded erratically in my ears and she finally looked up at me with wide eyes. "That's a stupid question, Alex." Before I could even try to comprehend her words, she beamed and said, "Because of course I will!" She launched herself at me, knocking me backwards onto the grass.

I laughed with what air hadn't been knocked out of me, relieved, and reached to put the primrose behind her ear. She lifted herself up on her forearms, hovering above me with her hair dangling in my face. Sweeping it back, Addie planted a kiss on the corner of my mouth and drew back with a grin. "Silly Alex. Did you really think I was gonna say no?"

I decided to not even pretend. "I just wanted to make it official," I repeated, squinting at the sun shining above her.

"Well, it's official, all right." She shifted off of me so that she was lying on her side, propped up by her elbow. Her hand clasped mine. "Thank you for asking, anyway."

Returning her smile, I replied, "Anytime."

She sighed, rolling onto her back to look up at the sky. It was perfectly blue and cloudless, the rare kind. "Can you believe it's been a whole month since you got here?" she asked. "Four weeks today."

"Has it really?" I hadn't noticed at all. In some ways it felt that they had gone by quickly, but in others, awfully slowly. If only I had a good enough excuse to stay.

"Mm-hmm," she answered. Her eyes were on me but her mind seemed to be elsewhere. I just stared right back, not feeling the need to say any more. I knew what we were both thinking though and neither of us wanted to bring it up.

Since tomorrow was the seniors' last day, they hadn't had any homework for the past few days. Addie and I got to spend a few more hours at Arianna's house before we had to go back to the Hilton where Ben would meet us.

I had said goodbye to the three friends, each one with a different farewell message. Derek had given me a pleasant "Take care," with a handshake and Kylie had smiled and told me to stay safe and keep in touch. Arianna, on the other hand, seemed to still be holding her doubts about me, even when she'd been obviously pleased at how the primrose situation had turned out.

"If you break her heart, I will find you," she'd whispered in my ear when I hugged her. And then I saw that Addie was frowning at her best friend as if she'd heard the threat. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to know that Arianna really would hunt for me all over England if she had to. But obviously I'd reassured her that I didn't have some secret girlfriend I was going back to… at least, not one that I knew of anyway.

The three of us, including her parents, had dinner that night and watched a movie in their hotel room, spending our last night all together. Ben had surprised Addie with a new Polaroid camera since hers had been lost in the fire. Much to his dismay and dislike for self-portraits, she forced all of us to take a picture multiple times in different arrangements so everyone could have their own copies.

"You know, it's too bad we didn't really get to show you around," she said the next day as we rode the Range Rover through Arlington. Though Joseph and Margot hadn't been able to recover much from the house fire, their cars had remained unharmed save for the small damage on the Audi from my fall. "It would've been nice to drive over to D.C. for a weekend."

"I'm sure Alex can find time to visit," Ben commented from my other side. I gave him a questioning look; did he really think I had the money and resources for a holiday? Something in his expression said that he did.

Margot spoke up from the passenger seat ahead. "But what about you, Ben? Don't you get time off?" I'd noticed that she had developed a sort of motherly affection towards him. I'd also realized that Joshua would have been close to his age, but I didn't know if that meant anything.

"I do," he answered honestly, "but I also like to work hard. Sometimes I work through holidays."

I coughed and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Well maybe you and Alex can fly over together in a few months," Margot continued.

In actuality, I wasn't too sure about that. This was the first time I'd seen Ben in years and it was all thanks to leaving MI6 behind but getting thrown into it again. Neither of us was positive that we'd see each other again; it was something I hadn't really thought about. Nevertheless, he didn't refuse her right away.

"We'll do our best," he told her.

By the time we arrived and parked at the drop-off at the airport, it was two o' clock on the dot. Our flight was scheduled to depart at four. Ben and I both had one suitcase each and as we checked them in, that was when we said our goodbyes.

Joseph couldn't leave the car running unattended outside, so he went first. Addie had told me that she'd confessed to her parents about us and somehow, it surprised neither of them. If her father had anything against it, he didn't show it as he embraced me (a bit awkwardly) and shook my hand. "Regardless of why you came here in the first place, Alex Rider, I'm sure glad I got to know you." He smiled and patted my shoulder hard. "Thank you for, well, everything. We're here if you need anything." With a grin, he concluded, "You're a good kid. Take care of yourself, eh?"

I smiled. "Sure thing, Joseph. Thanks."

Margot had just finished hugging Ben. She turned to me and I saw that her eyes were watering. I gave her a tight smile, sadness washing over me like a tidal wave. Though I hadn't had any kind of special moments with her, there were the things we had both experienced that put us on the same level. It made me feel like there was some sort of connection, however irresolute it might be.

"Margot—" I began but her hug cut me off.

"I don't know what to say to you, Alex," she whispered into my hair. "But be good, alright? If you ever need anything… we owe you so much. You have our number; just give us a call." She pulled back and placed both of her hands on the sides of my face, scrutinizing me.

"You have my word," I promised her, suddenly feeling childish. "And take care of Addie for me," I added quietly with a cheeky grin.

She laughed lightly. "You know I will. Bye, sweetheart." After giving me another hug, she stepped back, looking at her daughter who was standing off to the side. "We'll be waiting outside," she told her before smiling again and leaving.

In my peripheral vision, Ben was pretending to be massively interested in the bunch of tags that people used to write their information on and attach to their bags. I would've snorted if it weren't for the fact that Addie was much too important for Ben's lame I'll-be-over-here attempts to entertain me.

I became painfully aware of her every detail. I memorized how her brown-blonde locks fell a few inches above her waist and how a strand kept falling over her eyes. She stood with her ankles crossed and weight shifted on one leg, a form that I learned to be something she sometimes took up when she felt awkward or unsure. At the same time, her fingers were playing absently with the ends of her hair, another nervous habit. My eyes strained to remember her exactly as she was, and the small things about the light blue t-shirt, denim capris, and black Converse. I noted how, because the shirt was a little big (it was mine), the sleeves were rolled up and she'd tied the bottom into a knot in the back; how the denim looked faded; and how her laces were double-knotted.

I saved her face for last, knowing that there was no way the Polaroid picture of her in my pocket that I'd saved the night of the house fire had accurately captured what I saw in her eyes. They were lit with happiness, that much was clear, but behind them stirred the troubles she was trying to conceal. Wordlessly, I reached for her and hugged her closely.

Part of me had definitely anticipated never seeing her in person for a long time. Now, another was saying that I shouldn't worry so much because nevertheless, we were still together. There would be phone calls, emails, text messages… Nothing said that we couldn't make three thousand and seven hundred miles work. This was one thing I couldn't allow myself to let go of.

"Promise me you'll call once you're home?" she asked, her voice muffled in my shoulder.

"I promise," I assured her. "And you promise me that you'll always be safe?" I trusted her with her CIA assignments but I'd soon developed a little concern for her welfare. I knew that even being a safety freak wouldn't keep her one hundred percent out of harm's way.

"Of course." She released me from her grip, tilting her head back to look up into my eyes. "I'll miss you," she said softly, smiling half-heartedly.

I took one of her hands and put in on my face, turning my head to kiss her palm. "I just might miss you more," I tried to joke.

She chuckled. "We'll see about that, Rider."

Grinning, I took her chin and leaned down, pressing my lips firmly but gently against hers. She responded by reaching to tangle her fingers into my hair while I cradled her face in one hand, holding on to her waist in the other. A wolf whistle sounded somewhere but I ignored it, concentrating on these last few moments.

When we broke apart, smiles crossed our lips at the same time. As always, there was a pink tinge in her cheeks and her eyes sparkled. "Bye, Addie," I nearly whispered, aware of Ben hovering near me.

She took a deep breath, tucking flyways behind her ear. Stepping backwards once, she smiled and answered, "I'll talk to you soon." She was avoiding the actual goodbye, focusing and relying on our only means of communication.

"Soon," I agreed, retreating slowly. I watched as she gave a little wave, grinning at Ben, and turned. I didn't take my eyes off of her as she walked through the automatic sliding doors, staring at her back until she disappeared from my view, obscured by a group of travelers.

"Come on, lover boy," Ben said loudly, taking my shoulder. I let him lead me away in the direction of the security checkpoint.

And then it was at that moment after I'd taken four steps that it hit me, a sudden realization that stunned me like I'd stuck my finger into an electric socket. Of course, I should've known it all along… but somehow it had taken a goodbye to make me see.

I loved her. I'd known for her all of four weeks, nearly hated her at first, and then understood that I didn't and couldn't just simply like her or even really like her. There was too much in me that I felt whenever I looked at her and touched her, part of it a yearning to never have to leave. I loved her and I had never been so positive, so sure about anything like this in my life.

Spinning around, I scanned the outside of the airport as the adrenaline washed through me. She couldn't have left yet; I had time… didn't I? I took a step forward in the direction of the doors. The plan in my head disappeared as hastily as it had formed as soon as I realized that the Range Rover was no longer there.

"Alex? What are you doing?"

I'd almost forgotten about him.

Ben came up to me, examining my face. "She'll be fine, you know."

Still gazing past the doors, I heaved a sigh. "Yeah… I know." There was no point in trying to tell him what had happened in the last few moments; he probably already suspected it.

I tore my eyes away and turned back around, still feeling his scrutiny. As I had long ago learned to do, I kept my face impassive, locking the door and throwing away the key. As always, I walked among normal human beings, never knowing their secrets while they never knew mine. As always, I was determined to put the bad memories behind me, always looking forward, always hoping that what was next turned out to be better.

But for the first time, I wasn't leaving with a new scar, a new bitter recollection to file away in the back of my mind. In fact, as I stood there in the security line, the truth dawned the way the sun rose over the horizon, warming me in its light:

There were no scars anymore. I was whole.