TONIGHT'S EPISODE: DOOF 'N' PUSS: ORIGINS!
Sorry I've been taking so long, but I was having a hard time finding inspiration for this one, because… well, it's history, and I find that slightly boring. But don't worry, once I finished my research, I had tons of fun writing this, so… enjoy!
This episode is dedicated to D. T. Gunthary, who not only recommended this, but also made sure I didn't forget about it by reminding me in the reviews. Thanks, D. T.!
LOCATION: Tri-State Area
TIME: The 80's
"What ARE you?!" asked Doofenshmirtz.
"MEEP!" said the… thing. I don't really know how to describe it, but you know what I'm talking about!
"Well, you won't help us in this situation," said Doof, shrugging it off. "You know, Perry the Platypus, it's times like these when I wonder, how did all this start? Do you remember when we first met, Perry the Platypus?"
Perry nodded and growled.
"Yep," said Doof, "I remember it like it was last week…"
"Grrrr," said Perry, which probably meant, "That's because it was."
LOCATION: Doofenshmirtz Mansion
TIME: The way-too-distant future
"Finally," said the Doofenshmirtz of the past, putting the finishing touches on his newest contraption. "I have created the ultimate creation, defied the laws of physics, and assembled together the world's first TIME MACHINE!" Thunder rumbled in the distance as he yelled this.
"But Sire," said Doof's butler, who just happened to look exactly like Major Monogram, "Why would you need to travel back in time? You have everything: Fame, fortune, not to mention amazing Kung-Fu skills, why would you need anything more?"
"Because," said Doof, "What good is that when we live in world where giant robots control us in human death matches every morning, cannibal aliens are running wild, angry mutants are assembling an army to fight us, and who knows what else the author will think of? No, I'm going back in time, and you, unnamed butler who looks uncannily like someone from the original show, are staying here and protecting the mansion for me."
"Fine," said the butler, "Sir."
"Here I go!" said Doof as he sat on his time machine, a large gold chair with a couple gears and pulleys on it, and pulled a lever next to the seat.
LOCATION: Washinton, D. C.
TIME: 1865
"Welcome," said John Wilkes Booth. "Today is the day we finally kill Abraham Lincoln!"
"Yaaaay!" shouted Booth's minions, a total of four people.
"Okay, here's how it's gonna go down," said Booth. "George Azterodt, you will kill Vice President Andrew Johnson at the Kirkwood Hotel, where he's staying. David E. Herold, you and Lewis Powell are gonna break into the house of Secretary of State William H. Seward, and kill him there. And you, Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy, get to kill the President himself, while he's watching that play they're doing tonight."
"It'll be a great honor," said Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy. "But where will you be during this time?"
"I," said Booth, "will be waiting in Maryland where we'll rendezvous and flee the country. Good plan?"
"The greatest," said Atzerodt.
"Couldn't have planned it better myself," agreed Herold.
"Good," said Booth. "Then what are we waiting for? The play's starting right now!"
Perry the Platypus walked the streets of D. C., whistling a joyful tune. He had just been casted to play a butler on the play they were doing, on short notice due to the original actor having a cold. But Perry wasn't worried about that. Rumor had it, that the President himself would be watching that play, and meeting the President had been Perry's greatest dream ever since he'd joined the Special Forces back in 1855. Little did he know that his aspirations were about to change in the most surprising way possible…
Meanwhile, Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy was walking up to the theater as inconspicuously as possible. His plan was to impersonate one of the actors and shoot the president from the stage. Azterodt had been quite pleased when he found out one of his followers was, in fact, a shapeshifter. How he achieved his powers, however, Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy would never tell.
Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy was startled out of his thoughts when a platypus walked by him. It was rare to see a platypus in D. C., or anywhere other than Australia for that matter, so naturally he was surprised to see it. He was not, however, surprised by the fact that it was wearing a fedora, because he'd heard the Special Forces had been making a habit of themselves to hire animals for some reason.
Deciding that becoming a platypus would be the easiest choice, as he'd be easy to identify, PFMG morphed into the blue-green creature before him, following it quickly into the theater. As soon as they'd gotten backstage, PFMG confronted the platypus.
"Grrrr," he said.
"Grrrr," replied the platypus, Perry, as it had just told him.
"Grrrr," said PFMG.
"Grrrr," said Perry.
"Grrrr."
"Grrrrr."
Suddenly, without any warning, PFMG wacked Perry in the back of the head with his tail, then pulled a gun out of his hat. Somehow.
The villain ran onto the stage and fired several shots directly into the box where the President was sitting, then ran backstage and morphed back into his original form.
Perry stared at him with wide eyes as the villain held the platypus in place, ignoring the creatures various punches and kicks. Soon, the police had arrived backstage, and PFMG told them the whole story. That is, the whole story that he made up.
"And that's when he ran back here and I made it just in time to stop him. It's a good thing you guys made it, because he was about to shoot at me, too!" PFMG finished.
"Well, thanks a lot, sir," said one of the cops as they handcuffed the protesting platypus. "By the way, what's your name?"
"Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy," he answered proudly.
"That's not a strange name at all," said the cop.
LOCATION: District 12
TIME: The slightly less distant future
"Say hello to Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, your tributes for the 74th annual Hunger Games!" shouted a woman with pink hair.
"Oops, wrong timeline," said Doofenshmirtz, stepping back into his time machine.
LOCATION: A bus
TIME: 1865
"Hey, what are you in here for?" asked the guy sitting next to Perry.
"Grrrrr," growled Perry miserably.
"You killed the President?! WHAAAAAAT?!"
"Grrrrr!"
"Oh, you mean someone framed you for it? Tough break, man."
"Grrrr," agreed Perry.
Suddenly, there was a bright flash of rainbow light, and a golden chair with gears and levers and pulleys all over it appeared in the middle of the bus.
"Ooh, I think this is the right timeline," said a pharmacist, getting up from said chair.
All the prisoners stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Yeah, this is getting uncomfortable," said the pharmacist. "Well, don't mind me; I'm just travelling through time here."
But Perry did mind him. Just the previous night, Perry had been framed for a crime he hadn't committed, and he was currently headed towards a jailhouse miles from civilization. In just twelve hours, Perry's life had changed entirely for the worse. Perry minded very much.
Which is why, when the pharmacist pulled a lever on his machine, Perry jumped from his seat and leaped at the pharmacist, grabbing hold of the chair as he was enveloped in bright colorful light.
LOCATION: Tri-State Area
TIME: The 80's
"So that's how we got here," said the Doof of the present. "But wait, that leaves the question of how Rick joined us, and what happened to Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy?"
"Grrrr," said Perry, which probably meant, "Uh, Doof, I don't think we're supposed to know about Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy."
Before Doof could answer, however, there was a flash of rainbow light as a golden chair with gears, levers, and pulleys on it appeared before them. Doof 'N' Puss looked at each other nervously, then hid behind a bush that was conveniently nearby. Sure enough, a slightly younger Doof 'N' Puss stepped out of the machine.
"I don't remember other us's being here," whispered Doof.
Perry held a finger up to his mouth in a silent "Shhhhh!"
"Ah, finally, a time period that isn't in a state of dystopianism!" said the Doofenshmirtz of the past. "Hey wait, who are you?" he asked, just noticing the Perry of the past.
"I have a strange impulse to jump up and say hi," said the Doof of the present.
Perry gave a quiet growl, which probably meant, "Quiet. Just remember the Space Time Continuum!"
"Wait, hold on a second," said past!Doof. "Let me put on my Platypus-Translator-Inator." Doof dug through his pocket and pulled out a hearing aid. "Okay, what were you saying?"
"Grrrrr," said Perry, explaining what had happened back in D. C.
"My, that's horrible!" exclaimed Doof. "Well, now that you're in another timeline, you'll be free from the authorities of your own timeline."
Suddenly, Perry remembered something. "Grrrr," he said, explaining that he'd left his spare hat back at the hotel in D. C.
"Well…," said Doof, "I guess we could go back and get it. I mean, I'm not entirely sure what to do now that I'm here, so sure."
And with that, Doof 'N' Puss got back into the time machine and pulled the lever, disappearing in a flash of rainbow light.
"Grrrr," said Perry, which probably meant, "That explains that weird-looking alien thing I was staring at through the corner of my eye."
"Yeah, I thought you seemed unfocused when we had that conversation," said Doof. "Who knew?"
"MEEP!" shouted the… thing.
"Quiet, you, we're trying to reminiscize here!" shouted Doof.
LOCATION: Kirkwood Hotel
TIME: 1865
Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy was running to the Maryland border when he came across the Kirkwood Hotel, where George Atzerodt was supposed to be killing Vice President Andrew Johnson. PFMG stopped, and an idea suddenly struck him. If he could go in there and sabotage Atzerodt's plan, then Azterodt would ge fired and PFMG would look better in front of the boss! It was genius!
So, PFMG stepped into the hotel, which hadn't heard of the President's assassination yet. However, PFMG was sure it wouldn't be long before the Vice President was notified.
As our villain stepped into the hotel, a receptionist at the front desk said in a bored tone, "Hello, welcome to the Kirkwood Hotel, where, yes, the Vice President is currently living. No, you may not see him, but-"
He was cut off as PFMG knocked him out with a punch to the face.
Suddenly, there was a bright flash of rainbow light, and PFMG hid behind the reception desk as a golden chair with gears, levers, and pulleys materialized before him.
"Okay," said a high-pitched voice that PFMG couldn't identify since he was behind the desk, "Hurry up and get your stuff, this place creeps me out!"
Then, PFMG heard a chatter that he definitely COULD identify. It was that platypus he had framed for murder! But wasn't it on a bus headed to a jailhouse miles away from civilization?
Apparently not, the villain told himself as he caught a glimpse of the platypus running up the stairs. Something wasn't right here, PFMG knew, so he did the only thing he could think of: He transformed into Perry the Platypus and confronted the man with the high-pitched voice.
"Grrrrr," growled the not-actually-a-platypus.
"Didn't you just go up there?" asked the man, whom PFMG assumed was a pharmacist. "Eh, whatever. Come on, let's get out of he-"
He was interrupted by a loud BANG! from upstairs.
"What was that?" exclaimed the pharmacist.
PFMG narrowed his eyes and looked up the stairs, then pointed at the chair with a growl.
"Are you sure we shouldn't go check that out?" asked the pharmacist, "It sounded pretty serious."
PFMG shook his head. Suddenly, there was another BANG! and a loud yell from upstairs.
"Wait, why am I listening to you in the first place?" asked the pharmacist. "I can make my own decisions!" With that, the pharmacist ran up the stairs.
Doofenshmirtz ran up the stairs, following the yells to room 555. Doof kicked open the door to find a platypus and a historical figure in the middle of a gunfight while another historical figure watched anxiously from the sidelines. Fortunately, Doof had excelled at Ancient History in high school, so he knew that these historical figures were George Azterodt and Andrew Johnson. Oh, and the platypus was Perry. The Platypus.
"Hey, how'd you get up here so fast?" Doof wondered.
Perry turned to look at him and gave him a growl, but before Doof was able to decipher it, Azterodt fired his gun!
Fortunately, he was a terrible aim, so Perry was okay. At this, Doof knew exactly what to do. He somersaulted over to Azterodt and assumed a karate position, when suddenly, Azterodt turned to him and fired again!
His terrible aim missed Doof by a mile, as well as allowing Perry to gain the element of surprise and run over to him. Perry leaped up to Azterodt and kicked him right in the face!
"OOOWWWW!" yelled Azterodt, holding a hand up to his face, which was already beginning to swell in the area where Perry had kicked him. "That really, really hurts!"
Within minutes, Azterodt was reduced to a writhing mass on the floor, wincing in painful agony.
"Grrr," said Perry, which probably meant, "Quick, let's get out of here before I get into even more trouble!"
"But what about Andrew Johnson?" wondered Doof.
Perry shrugged and ran down the stairs, Doof following perplexedly behind.
On their way to the lobby, Perry explained to Doof how he'd been on his way to his room in room 556 when he'd heard a shot from the adjacent room. Perry had gone to investigate, and found Azterodt firing another shot at Andrew Johnson. There, Perry had engaged him in battle, right when Doofenshmirtz had come along and distracted Azterodt long enough for Perry to kick him in the face. That single kick had let out enough venom to incapacitate Azterodt for at least a week, but Perry assured Doof that it wouldn't kill him.
"So what about-" Doof started when they arrived at the lobby to hear a whirring sound. Doof looked up to see the other platypus sitting in the time machine, powering up to travel through time.
"Wait, NOOOOOOOO!" shouted Doof, running to the machine.
"GRRRRR!" shouted Perry, which probably meant, "NOOOOOOO!"
Just as the time machine blasted off, Perry managed to grab onto the machine while Doof grabbed his hand, and they all disappeared in a flash of rainbow light.
LOCATION: A Time Vortex
TIME: Um… It's a Time Vortex.
As the chair flew through the purple background with the clocks everywhere and the word "PRESENT" written on the floor, Doof 'N' Puss were having an epic battle with an evil platypus that looked exactly like Perry.
Perry and Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy were evenly matched, because they were both platypuses, but Doof was also fighting, so they incapacitated him quickly. At least, they would've, if it weren't for the fact that Doofenshmirtz got confused and attacked Perry instead.
"Grrr," growled Perry, which probably meant, "No, I'm the good guy, you fool! We're supposed to be attacking him!"
"Well, we've been in this vortex for quite a long time," said Doof, "What's up with that?"
PFMG shrugged and growled. He was probably saying, "I don't know, I didn't even know what this thing was, so I just pressed random buttons until something happened."
Doof sighed an pointed to a screen thingy that stuck out of the chair. "Okay, that thing should tell us when we're heading."
The two platypuses looked over Doof's shoulder, reading the screen, which currently read, "Um… It's a Time Vortex."
There was a awkward silence as the three tried to figure out what the thing was talking about.
"Whatever," said Doof after a while, "I'll just set this back to 'The 80's'…"
There was a flash, and they exited the vortex.
LOCATION: Tri-State Area
TIME: The 80's, but a week before the other thing.
Doof 'N' Puss, plus Punk-Fake-Mayor-Guy, arrived at the Tri-State Area. Immediately, the two platypuses began fighting again, and Doof tried to figure out which one was which.
Suddenly, PFMG grabbed a hammer that was lying conveniently nearby and threw it at Perry, but Perry ducked out of the way just in time, and the hammer hit the time machine right on the self-destruct button, causing it to explode on impact!
After the smoke cleared away, Perry turned around to continue fighting, only to find the other platypus had run away.
Doofenshmirtz sighed. "So, what do we do now?"
Perry shrugged and growled, probably meaning, "I guess we just buy a house here or something. This could be a great chance to start a new life, away from all the authorities trying to imprison me for something I didn't do."
"And the giant robots enslaving us in human death matches."
Perry raised an eyebrow.
LOCATION: Tri-State Area
TIME: The 80's, but a week after the last one.
"After that we bought a house and we just hung out there for a while," said Doof. "The next day I got these cool karate robes instead of that unfashionable lab coat, and then we went to get your spurs removed."
"Grrrr," said Perry, probably lamenting how hard it was to fight things now that he didn't produce venom. "Grrr," he said again, which probably meant, "Wait, that still leaves Rick."
"Oh yeah," said Doof. "Well after a few days I tried to recreate the time machine, but onto a rickshaw instead of a chair this time. Somehow I must have messed up with the programming, because I ended up with a sentient computer that sounds exactly like my butler instead."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" interrupted Rick, "You mean I was a MISTAKE?!"
"Um, well…," said Doof.
"MEEP!" said the creature with a sense of urgency, saving Doof from trying to think of an explanation.
"All right, what do we do about this guy?" asked Doof, getting tired of its constant interruptions.
Perry shrugged. "Grrrr," he said, which probably meant, "I don't know, but I think it'd be funny if we put a moustache on him."