Hi Guys, here is the second instalment of the previous chapter, I really do hope you enjoy. I have a pretty defined picture of where this is going to go now so I hope you stick around to see; thanks for reading so far, it makes my day!
Disclaimer; I own nothing in this story.
XIXIX
I got a text from Brittany on Monday morning telling me I don't need to bother coming to come and pick her up (I think I can safely assume I'm not forgiven yet). We didn't have early morning cheerios practice today so i guess it wasn't that unusual, sometimes Susan would drop her off or her Dad may even do it if he didn't have to go into work early. I pulled into the school parking lot a little early, anxious to see Britt, who I haven't seen since she left me alone in my car on Friday.
Students were milling around me as I got out of the car. I walked with power dictating my every stride as I gave off an air of confidence - false though it may have been - through the open front doors to the school. I meandered through the hallways for a moment before I turned into the one my locker was in.
My stride broke as I looked to see who was surrounding my, well actually Britt's, locker. There, to my disbelief, stood Brittany. Quinn. And Rachel-freaking-Berry! What is going on! Since when did Rachel spend any time with Q or B? Oh god the questions are plaguing me now and I still haven't moved from where I am seemingly rooted to the floor.
I shook my head to clear some of the cobwebs, I had to approach them - I'm on a mission today. "Morning Britt" I said as I came to a stop behind her, I could see Quinn and Rachel looking at me from where I stood, but I can't even be bothered with that situation right now, nope - one issue at a time Lopez.
I watched as Brittany's shoulders tensed and rolled, as she ceased speaking and turned to look me in the eye. Well, glare. That's probably a glare. My hands started fidgeting as my eyes flittered around, looking everywhere but those piercing blues eyes. My eyes finally focussed, only on my shoes - did I really choose these today? God, pull it together man, remember why we're here.
"Santana" Still being on a first name basis with Brittany was wearing at me, I know she reserves it for when she's either sad or pissed at me, I think I'd bet money on it being a little or a lot of both, mostly sad, right now.
"Britt, can we talk?"
"You wanna talk now S, now you're good and ready" Brittany said incredulously.
I could see behind Brittany, Quinn was shaking her head dismissively, and Rachael looked like she wanted to break into song; freaking Rachel Berry wanting to provide a soundtrack to my life.
"Britt, please. We need to get over this already, I can't have you angry with me anymore"
"I'm not mad at you anymore Santana; I'm just sad now, a sad Panda" Britt replied (I'll take my winnings in cash if you please).
"B" I started "Can we please not do this here?" I implored, any sort of face that Quinn saw that wasn't my, powerful - strike you down if you come at me, face was not one i wanted her to see right now.
"Yeh Santana let's not do it here. Lets not do it now either. In fact, why bother at all!" And with that, she turned on her heel, pulled her bag closer around her shoulders and left me, again, flanked by Q and Berry.
'Argh' I thought as I started getting out what I needed from my locker and headed to my first class. I'd been thinking all weekend about what I should do/say to make the situation between us better, but now she won't even give me the chance!
The day was awkward, tense. Britt and I share a couple of classes on a Monday and whilst we were sat next to each other she didn't even look at me, let alone reciprocate my attempts at starting a conversation. After each class I thought maybe I could catch her before she disappeared to the next; but every time I tried I was immediately stopped in my tracks by either Quinn or Rachel flanking her. How come they got to be the ones talking to her, looping their arm with hers, laughing with her. I should be that person, not those two substitutes!
Before I knew it I was waiting by my, well her, locker at the end of school, hoping she would maybe need a lift home. No such luck I soon found out. Quinn shot me a glare as she rounded the corner of the hallway next to Brittany; I didn't even bother to acknowledge her presence until she spoke up, stopping in front of me.
"I'll take Britt home S" was all she said. While I was looking at Quinn, Brittany had managed to get past me, heading straight out the doors. I could only watch as Quinn pivoted and followed after her.
I put on my best scowl face before strutting out of the hallway - catching a glimpse of that stupid, blue Prius as it left the lot.
'What a day' I sighed as I got in. Just as I was about to turn on the engine, my passenger door opened. Who tell he-
"Santana"
Rachel-freaking-Berry.
"What on God's green earth are you doing in my car; I So don't have enough petrol to get you back to the Shire"
"A pleasure as my experiences always tend to be with you Santana, I believe you are in need of some help"
"Berry are you crazy? Why do I need your help"
I saw as a slight smirk appeared on her face, "Britt-"
"That's none of your business Berry; now if you please, get out of my car before it gets covered in your hobbit germs"
"She's hurt Santana, and she is my friend; so that makes it my business! Now. Drive us somewhere, where we are going to talk!" A Rachel Berry demand was definitely something under a normal circumstance I might have to smack her down for. But this was Britt, and maybe I did need her *gulp* help.
I put the car into drive and screeched out of the parking lot. I saw Berry hold onto the car door arm rest as I drove fast round tight bends and put my foot down on the straights. The least I can do if I have to be in her presence is terrify her, a little.
Pulling to a stop, Berry finally opened her eyes and allowed the tension out of her body, I smirked and got out the car. We'd come to my house - I couldn't be seen in public with the Imp. We entered the grand entryway and I watched as she tried to take everything in. The high ceilings, the expensive decorations, it was a show house, nothing more than a front.
"Make yourself at home Berry" I laughed as I called from the kitchen. Lord knows I've never been able to make this place a home.
I found Berry eventually in the sitting room, one of many pointless rooms. Pretty sure the only time I've ever spent any time out of my room is to eat and get told off. I gave her a glass of water as I sat down on the armchair across from her. If my Mother has taught me only one thing, it would be how to be courteous to guests. I'm also supposed to offer her to take her shoes off, but I don't want those hairy codgers touching my parents' carpet.
"Thanks Santana" Berry said, perhaps a little surprised by my apparent hospitality.
"Yeh well, what do you want Berry?" Rude? I don't care, I certainly don't want to draw this out.
"I was with Quinn and Brittany this weekend" That's surprising. "Santana you know Brittany; she warm and hap-"
"Yes Berry, I know Brittany, I have most of my life, so lets skip happy hour at the Inn and get to the point shall we" I don't need her bringing up everything that Brittany is, that brings light into my life.
"Yes well, be that as it may. This weekend she was sad, quiet, and seemed exhausted - like she had a lot weighing on her mind. I can't help but think that because you weren't with her, you are the cause of that. Today was much the same, she just seems tired of whatever it is she has going on Santana." It hurts, a lot, to hear that Brittany has been like this "So Santana you need to sort it out."
"Hold up Hobbit, you don't even know what's going on and you come into my house and make demands of me" I can't believe it.
"I don't have to know what's going on Santana. All I know, all I need to know, is that my friend is upset and you're causing it." With that Rachel stood up and looked down at me. "Santana you can be kind and sweet, its obvious you love her.. " 'What the hell does this girl know' - I'm screaming in my head. "she is your best friend after all." oh thank god, she doesn't know. Im so not ready to deal with that bag of wet fish yet "so get your head out of your ass and make things right!"
I watched as Rachel turned and left the house (I could care less how she was going to get to wherever she lives) and I was left alone, again, with my thoughts.
It was 6 O'clock when I got a text from Brittany.
From Britt: Santana I'm at the park, if you wanna talk, now I'm ready. I hope you are too.
Quick as my legs could carry my I was out of the house, I didn't have anyone to say bye to - my parents aren't back yet, and was in my car speeding to the park.
As I pulled up and got out of my car, I could see the park, in the final heat and light of the day, was near desolate. A lone figure was sat on the swings, dragging her feet backwards and forwards beneath her. Brittany. As i passed through the gate, it squeaked and alerted her to my arrival. I tried to smile at her but I could see she wasn't, and it halted mine in it's path up my face.
I took a seat on the swing next to me; floundering a little as I finally got my arse into the silly little seat. Smooth criminal Lopez strikes again.
"Hi Britt" I started.
"I'm ready to talk to you now Santana, but I want you to start." Damn, I thought maybe she could start and we'd just snowball. Come on, she's your best friend, your girlfriend for crying out loud, you love her so freaking act like it!
"I'm sorry Britt" I got out after a moments pause, "you know how hard talking is for me" An empathetic smile crossed her features for just a moment, but i saw as it softened her exterior. "Britt, you mean the World to me, you have to know that. When I said I, uh, when I said I don't want to tell me Parents about us its not because I don't care about you. I just, Britt you've experienced my parents, they are just cold, old people who have never really cared for me. Why would I want to share my most precious thing with them?" I really hoped she'd understand.
"Its like your ashamed of me S" Britt said quietly, but the words cracked through my brain like thunder on a stormy night. 'I could never be ash'- I thought in my head but then realised I should probably tell her this.
"I could never be ashamed of you B, your my perfect perfect thing." A small smile graced her lips as she looked into my eyes.
"S we danced around what we are for months, I'm just so tired of not actually being able to be with you in the fresh, open air, only stuck behind a closed door in a dark room.
"I'm sorry B"
"S we never talk about anything, and it makes it so hard to be with you when you're a closed book. You're like a duck Santana." I'm confused, maybe offended? "S you're like a swimming duck on that pond. On the top, what we see, what the world sees, you just go along your way, eating food and quacking at other ducks. But below the surface, you're legs are going like the clappers to keep you afloat. S I don't know how we can be together if we can't talk about things." I guess that made more sense, B is a genius. "So Santana, get your ass out of the water and onto land, because I need to see those legs of yours." I couldn't stop it as a little chuckled bubbled its way up my throat and escaped into the evening air. I watched as Britt's features soften and she stopped the gentle swaying motion in her swing.
I got off my swing and knelt in front of her as I placed my hands lightly on her knees, steadying her. "Britt I'm sorry, I want to be like you, a graceful swan dancing on land with those beautiful legs on show for me to see, but it's so hard. I'll work on it though, I promise" I tried a little smile.
"Thanks S" She placed her hands over mine, seemingly accepting my response. "I still wanna tell me parents San. If we're together now I want to be completely together. No more hiding, I can't do it anymore." I didn't really have a choice, If I wanted to be with her this was the stipulation. And i want to be with her.
"Okay B, we'll tell them." I hate that Im going to have to do this, but its what she wants after all, and she's not wrong. She smiled at my answer and pulled me off my knees, into her lap.
Sat sideways on her lap, she said "Anyway Sanny, maybe it won't be so bad?"
"Your parents will be fine with it B, but mine aren't really like that. To be honest I don't really know how they'll react, I don't really know them." I know that its hard for Brittany to hear that I'm not close with my parents like she is with her family, but its the truth. I don't know them really, we've never talked about difficult topics. The only thing I've ever heard my parents say about gays was my Father saying that he could care less as long as he didn't have to see it. My mother had no response.
I put my arms around Britt's neck as she sighed, I think that, as much as she didn't want to accept it, she knew I was probably right. "Yeh San. But you have to know I'll be there with you whether it goes well or not"
"No, no Britt" I can't have her there with me when I tell me parents, "Britt you can't be there, I have to do it alone"
"San we're supposed to do the hard things together, we're a partnership!"
"Britt I know you want me to communicate more, and I will try, but if my parents get angry I don't know that I'll be able to protect you from them.
"S. I don't need protecting, its not your job to protect me'
"I'm your girlfriend B, of course it's my job. And I want to protect you, but I can't do that if you're there with me." I won't hear anything more on the subject, the best thing is for me to tell them alone and face whatever repercussions there are - at least I know she will be safe. "So no, you'll go home and tell your parents, and I'll tell mine."
Brittany could see I was going to fight my corner on this one, and I could see as the different thoughts passed through her mind. "Fine, okay S. Tonight?" She asked.
I couldn't help as nerves rippled through my body at the thought. "Yeh B, tonight."
We stayed in the park a little while longer, just sat on the swing holding each other. Periodically I would feel B tighten her arms and squeeze my waist, as though she was trying to physically pass me good thoughts and happy feelings. Eventually it was getting dark and we had to head home.
Dropping B off at her house was familiar. But as I turned to her beside me and realised how new the next couple hours would be I couldn't help but wonder what my future had in store, whether we could be like this again.
"You're sure you don't want me there" Brittany asked, sensing my nerves.
"No B, I need you to stay here - I can come with you if you want though?" I knew that her parents wouldn't mind, they loved her completely and were pretty liberal parents - well they had to be to have raised Britt.
"That's okay S, you go do what you have to do." She leant over and hugged my shoulders close to her own. As she pulled back she grazed her lips against mine, I couldn't forget how glorious kissing her is, especially when I'd gone without for so long.
As B released my lips from hers, I could feel a pout forming, but I knew I had to get going. My parents would probably be home by now, and we had stuff to discuss.
"Speak to you later?" I nodded "See you tomorrow Sanny. I love you" She said smiling.
"Love you too B" I couldn't help the smiled that pulled up my lips at the admission. After she got out of the car, she looked back through the open door solemnly.
"Good luck S" she said, and then shut the door and pottered up the path to her house.
XIXIX
'Please God, please don't let them be home' I thought as I walked into the house, my palms warm and wet from nerves. I knew it was pointless, I'd seen both their cars in the garage.
"Mum" I called when I'd reached the sitting room, "Dad" I called also. I took a seat in the arm chair and waited for their arrival. It was a good minute, maybe two before they strode into the room. In that time I think I'd sweated enough to fill a pool and my clothes looked like I'd been wearing them in a rainstorm.
"What is it now Santana? What have you done? Have you been fighting at school again? God Santana why have you always got to be in trouble?" My Mother and Father spouted off questions as they walked into the room I was sitting in.
"I haven't done anything, please just sit down. I need to talk to you about something" I figured my best approach wasn't to beat around the bush, but just launch straight into it and see what happens. "Mum, Dad, I need to tell you about something important in my life" I paused, tried to gather together some of the lines of the speech I'd been preparing for the last week in case it got to this point, but in my state the words just didn't appear.
They were looking at me expectantly, I had to continue "I-I, I'm gay." No reaction, did they not hear me?
1. Shock
"Mum, Dad, I- I'm gay, I'm in love with a girl, I have been for some time now and we thought it was best that you knew so you would get to experience the best thing in my life too. I'm happy, she makes me so happy and I want you know about that and I want us to be able to talk about it, about something, about anything. Say something, please.."
Why aren't they saying anything. I've said more to them in the last two minutes than I have in weeks, months maybe, and they haven't responded at all.
2. Denial
"No, no your not gay" My Father spoke up first. "No, I raised you as a proper Christian girl, you can't be gay" My Mother just said there, shaking her head in disbelief, she hadn't said anything yet.
"Dad I am gay, I'm in love with a girl so I'm gay."
"Why? Why now Santana? High school boys are stupid, once you go to college you'll meet a nice older man who will treat you right-"
"Its not because of the boys dad, I like girls, I love one girl, because that's part of who I am. Its not because I haven't met the right guy yet, its because they haven't been girls" I tried to make him understand.
3. Guilt
My Fathers features changed, unreadable in their questioning. I notably gulped as my father continued to think, his brow furrowed and hands clasped around each other.
"What did I do to deserve this Santana? Is it because we aren't around very much? We do what we're doing for you, to make sure you can have the best life we can give you. We've bought you cars and clothes, we've given you a beautiful house, food. What more should we have done?"
"Dad" Still my Mother hadn't said anything, she looked almost numb, sat next to my father looking at her hands. "I don't, I've never, wanted any of that stuff more than I've wanted you to love me, to love me like Brittany's parents lo-"
4. Expression of feelings
"Oh, its about that girl isn't it. That stupi-"
"Don't you dare call her that" I stood up, no way was my Father going to say something like that about my girlfriend.
"Its pathetic Santana. Ridiculous. You're not getting enough from us or the boys you flounced around so you have to prey on your only friend who's too stupid to know otherwise."
This was crazy, how could he say that.
"No, thats not true. I love her because she is perfect, if you'd open your eyes you'd realise that.
"Shut up Santana, you be quiet now and go to your room. I'll figure out how to straighten you out"
"Straighten me out, what sort of fuckery is this" I shouted "You can't straighten me out! I'm not diseased, I'm not riddled with something you can just get rid of. This is me dad. Im gay. Be happ-"
The slap silenced me, silenced the conversation, silenced the house. My mother stood and put a hand on my father's arm. I reached up to hold my cheek, but I refused to let the tears fall.
"You see. Father" I said with as much venom in my voice as I could summon "I'm still gay. You can't slap the gay out of me as much as I can slap some love into you."
"I won't have this filth in my house Santana, no child of mine will be gay, I won't see it" My father argued, enraged, my mother's hand still on his arm.
"Smack me again then Dad, see if it will make any difference. It won't, I am gay, and you hitting me isn't going to change a damn thing" I was still holding the tears back, saving face, I didn't want to show my father any weakness.
5. Personal Decision-Making
I saw as he raised his hand again, I braced myself for the blow what would inevitably land upon my face.
But it didn't come. My Mother had tightened her hold on my Father and restrained the man. He twisted to look at her, disbelieving that she wasn't siding with him. I could the conversation passing in their eyes, the silent conversation I wasn't privy to.
"Fine" My father says, his shoulders squaring "I won't be a part of this abomination, I won't sit here as she throws her life away". I watched as he left the room, left the house, heard the car squeal away.
If I had known that would be the last time I'd ever see my father, I might have tried to stop him.
But I didn't, I stood stock still. I stood, as my Mother sank back into the sofa, before looking up into my eyes. It didn't really look as though she was going to say anything, so I got up and left her sat there, headed for my room, my sanctuary from the maddening family I had. The tears I'd been holding in were tearing at my seems, the feelings i'm having tearing me apart. My father had abandoned me, left when I needed him the most. When I needed his love, his support the most. And my Mother, she played her cards close to her chest, I have no idea what she's thinking. I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate with new message.
From Britt: I told them San, they don't mind. Come on over whenever you're ready, they want to see you. Love you! Xxxx
I looked at my phone in my left hand as it buzzed with the new message. It took only a moment for me to look over the letters, blurred though they were. My brain put the letters together to make words, the words to make sentences, causing tears to finally stream down my cheeks. I'd held it in as long as I could, but they rose like a river, flooding my face as gravity pulled them onward the earth.
I cranked my arm back, before unleashing the phone from my hand, against my dark wall. It cracked and shattered on impact as I sank to the floor. I could hear the banging coming from my door, but everything else had shut down. I was numb, cold, unfeeling.
I pulled my loose outerwear further around me, tugged the cardigan closer, as I felt sobs wrack my body. I allowed the tears to come, escape my body where I'd held them prisoner and fall to the floor, staining the otherwise clinically clear carpet.
Eventually silence reigned. The door stopped banging, shaking. My mind went quiet, and I fell asleep.
XIXIX
6. Acceptance
Maria had followed Santana up to her room, frustrated at not being able to have her time to speak, and tried to bang on her door so she would be able to be let in. She heard the smashing of the phone against the wall, before all went quite. She tried once more to bang on the door, but to no avail.
She walked back downstairs and lay on the sofa where she's just experienced the last few minutes, where her life had changed.
She sighed to herself.
"My daughter's gay."