Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you shoulda, somehow, realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
Back beat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you
By now you shoulda somehow realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now
And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
(Oasis – Wonderwall)
It's been three years, and every single day Mark enters Facebook's headquarters, he's still able to feel goose bumps spreading all over him. It might not be as often as before, like back at the beginnings, when the rush of adrenaline was so high it wouldn't let him sleep for months. But whenever he thinks, I did it, the pride is still there, swelling his chest.
No one had told him that accomplishing something this big meant giving up on so many things, though. Like the freedom to do and act as he pleased. Coding, for instance, doesn't happen every week, sometimes not even every month, because there are meetings to attend to, events to go, people to deal with. In other words, everything Mark loathes is part of his daily schedule now. Because you just can't make something big work all by yourself. He's been taught patience and respect.
Maybe a little too late.
But it's ok, because it's still everything he ever hoped for. Grabbing his passion, producing a masterpiece out of it and seeing it spread all over the world proved to be every bit of exciting as he had imagined. Mark would never voice it loud, but the best way to describe it is dream coming true.
Plus, he's not a joke anymore. That's important.
Mark tries not to think too much of what Facebook cost him. Whatever the price was, it has to be worth it. He would be nothing without his creation; it's everything he is.
Not buried deep enough into Mark's memory is that day when he had yelled at Eduardo, do you want to go back to being a joke?
Back when he was nineteen, he really, really believed he had nothing of worth. He thought he was stuck with a couple of friends who were the only ones able to keep up with him, while the rest of the world probably saw him as just a nerd who thought too highly of himself. He remembered anger, the unjustified kind of, that always accompanied him, making him spread bitter sarcasm around, when he was convinced that people who disagreed with him or didn't understand him were pathetic. There was this uncontrollable need to prove he was intellectually superior all the time, and in a way, Facebook had been born from this urge, until it became something else, something that made Mark happy and proud, in first place.
Back then, he would have paid any price to make Facebook work. And that's why he had left Harvard, overlooked Sean's dubious character and done… that. With Eduardo.
It's not as if he's absolutely able to keep his mind from going three years back. He can't erase months of Dustin's and Chris's deceived faces from his memory, the way they looked at Mark as if they didn't know him anymore. He most certainly can't forget dark eyes shocked with betrayal, yelled words poisoned with angered pain, or a lawsuit full of Eduardo's disgust.
However, for longer than he imagined, Mark managed to do a pretty good job of completely ignoring his conscience and his feelings.
If any small trace of regret threatened to surface, Mark reminded himself that Eduardo was the one of the wrong side, that he had abandoned Facebook, because he had never truly believed in it, had treated it as if it was any ordinary company, and it had pissed Mark off. So he just couldn't have done anything differently.
Right?
He functions. Somehow. He works a lot and he loves his work. Now and then, Dustin reminds him there's life outside the offices and they go out, and Mark enjoys it because it's usually a small reunion either at their houses or at a small bar, nothing too loud or too crowded because really, he's not nineteen anymore, even if Dustin seems to be.
When it's just him, Dustin and Chris, it hurts. Impossibly so. Especially the part where everyone acts as if Eduardo's never even existed. Feels so wrong. Not that Mark has forbidden the mentioning of his name or anything; it's Dustin and Chris's who chose it, probably because they are scared of Mark.
And it's been three years. That mind blowing ecstasies of giving birth to a masterpiece has… faded.
His mind is not buying the excuses anymore.
It's been happening quietly, spreading over him like cancer. Mark's just ignored the signals. He refuses to acknowledge that he's become more recluse than ever, that he can't swallow enough food, that little by little his insomnia's gotten worse. That every night, after work's done and the office's empty, Mark stays behind, staring at his screen for hours without moving.
Now? Now it's too late to look back!
But it's like this thing, this thing that Mark has tried to put to sleep until now, will have none of it anymore. It's had enough of staying locked out and decided to rebel against Mark, turning his insides out, and Mark's horrified by the strength of it, when one day he gets home after a twelve hour code binge, throws himself in his bed and starts shaking with sobs.
It's physically painful, like claws are crushing his chest.
He thinks of the way he had handled the thing with Eduardo, or rather, not handled, to the point that he had to watch as security threw him out because he, Mark, had chickened out.
The way he had asked, stay and be my CFO, when he actually wanted, stay with me.
Then, there's the fact that he eavesdrops whenever he knows Chris or Dustin are talking to Eduardo, that he checks his Facebook page several times a day, that he wanders through the streets when he knows Eduardo is in the city, that his eyes search for him whenever he goes to an event where Eduardo could happen to be.
Yeah, he feels like a joke.
Mark keeps everything to himself, though. His friends try, his family tries, but Mark has locked the topic. He knows Chris and Dustin know, they've always known, without even needing to notice how Mark pretty much stalks Eduardo, which, by the way, they totally have noticed.
Then one day, not long after the depositions, Chris is talking to him about a party he has been to, the birthday party of some colleague he had at Harvard. Eduardo's name is on the tip of his tongue before Chris catches himself and gives Mark a look that's part pity and part apprehension. Mark shrugs, tells him to go on, that it wasn't a big deal.
Chris gave him a scrutinizing look, probably wondering if Mark is talking out of pride or…something else. Whatever his conclusion is, he goes on.
Actually, it was a big deal. He had been dying to know something, anything, about Eduardo. Surely Mark had his means, and once he forgot to be careful and let out that he knew Eduardo was in town to attend a conference. Dustin and Chris were startled. But who did they think Mark was? It's not like they weren't used to him hacking into their files. That's how Mark had found out Eduardo listened to Spice Girls; it had been a memorable day, especially after Dustin admitted he did it, too, and it had ended with the four of them drinking and listening to their disk. Whatever, nothing against the Spice at all, it was just funny. Mark could totally picture Eduardo alone in his dorm, jumping with 'Wannabe'. It kind of suited him.
Mark had his means, but he had no way to find out how Eduardo was handling all this. And, contrary to popular belief, Mark was awfully worried about him, and was eternally grateful to Chris for being on Eduardo's side. Even if it meant being shamefully jealous that Chris still got to see him and being sort of ignored by Chris for a couple of months.
So, Chris, who keeps in touch with Eduardo more than Dustin does, starts bringing him up all the time, which Mark knows is totally on purpose.
It hurts so fucking much. Mark wonders if Chris knows that, too.
This way, Mark learns that Eduardo has managed to move on with his life. Well, sort of. He's an investor now; Mark wanders if he's happy. However, Dustin never mentions anything personal about him, which is exactly what Mark wants to know, like, does Eduardo ever mentions my name, and if by any chance he does, is it with too much hate?
Then, he finds out Eduardo lives in Singapore, now. And it's like being stabbed straight on the chest.
Suddenly, Mark is hit by the weight of three whole years. Three years of running away, three years of lies. It all falls heavily over him, and he's just… Little by little, he had been falling apart, and he thought he was strong, but it only took a last small push for him to just be utterly broken.
Eduardo is on the other side of the Earth. Mark doesn't even understand why it makes their breakup sound even more definite. Does it change anything, really? Does it change that they have been ignoring each other for years?
But it makes it official, that Eduardo left him.
That Mark let Eduardo go without a fight.
Dustin must pick up on Mark's distress, though, because one day, he and Chris corner him during lunch break, arms crossed and that look on their faces, which meant they were stepping into Mark's personal stuff either he liked it or not.
"If you care, why don't you just do it the easier way and talk to him?"
He shrugs.
"Why would he listen now?" He sued me, he doesn't want to listen. He doesn't trust me.
He hopes Dustin, who has a big mouth, will make his life easier by confessing something like Eduardo misses you, but apparently he's been instructed by Chris, because he keeps his mouth firmly shut. Chris stares blankly at him.
"I don't know, Mark. I just know that you will go nuts if you don't do anything soon.
Then, Chris lets only one information out, and he has a meaningful face when he does it,
"There's a clean energy conference next month. Eduardo's coming. He intends on getting to know how each company stands about it, probably to pick one to invest."
Next day, Mark has subscribed himself to the conference, that's taking place in NYC.
Except when the day finally comes, when Eduardo spots Mark in the crowd, he nods coldly at him and doesn't even come close. Yes, he went pale and there was a slight shock on his face. But he nodded, as, we're old colleagues who've grown apart, and not like, you're my ex best friend who I hate now.
Mark feels his skin shrinking.
This is worse than Eduardo's anger, which, by the way, he had tried to hide under a mask of blankness during the lawsuit and had totally failed. Eduardo can't hide his feelings; that's Mark's department.
Maybe Eduardo has learned it, somehow. Mark hopes that's it.
Later, Mark finds out Eduardo's a speaker. He talks about the importance of clean energy and of his intention, as an investor, of helping companies that are trying to be echo friendly. His words get particularly passionate when he goes about the impacts of energy sources on the weather, revealing knowledge about global warming that clearly outweighs anything economy related he said.
After this, he disappears, and Mark looks for him for a good twenty minutes. Finally, he sees Eduardo in the bar, talking to a woman. Mark takes a moment to notice that Eduardo seems to have grown taller, which is just great, since Mark has not grown half an inch since college and now he'll probably need to lift his chin even higher to look at Eduardo, and that's quite humiliating, and it's also hot. Ward - Eduardo also keeps his tan and looks slightly older. He's still apparently a good listener, judging from his calm expression focused on the woman.
Mark recalled a time when Eduardo listened this carefully to him.
He's putting his empty glass down and asking for another. Mark gathers courage and makes his way towards him.
Wardo.
"Eduardo"
Eduardo turns and finally those familiar dark eyes are fixed on him, and Mark…
He swallows.
Suddenly, he remembers why he hasn't reached for Eduardo until now. It's not because it wasn't important, not because it wasn't worth his time, not because he ever dreamed he could erase Eduardo of his life.
He's just scared to death.
What's he going to say?
I'm sorry I didn't warn you sooner that you were going to get kicked out, and yes, it was unavoidable, since you sucked at your job.
Eduardo will never forgive him. He may actually smash Mark this time, since there are not any other objects at hand.
Eduardo might not even care at this point, and who could blame him? Mark let his cowardice drag this on for too long.
So, Mark panics and goes with,
"You should have studied Meteorology."
Eduardo chuckles bitterly and sips his drink,
"What do you want?"
His tone is emotionless. Mark shivers.
"I… Can we talk?"
"You can say it here"
It's not like Eduardo, this harshness. Then again, he's had a drink or two.
Mark looks at the woman, who's looking from him to Eduardo, obviously sensing the heaviness in the air.
"No, I can't. Would you come with me for a moment?"
Eduardo turns to the woman,
"Let's go", he tells her, before standing and helping her do the same, though he's a bit unsteady on his feet.
His eyes lock with Mark's for a second, and Mark still can't read anything there, and Eduardo is turning to leave, and Mark can't believe it, feels like he's being sucked into an endless hole, and reacts the only way he knows.
"Yeah, do it again. Just run, you're an expert" And sue me again, why not?
Mark knows he has screwed up even before Eduardo freezes with his back turned to him. Then, Eduardo is looking at him and he doesn't seem hurt or angry. His face is hard.
He looks unsurprised.
Like he expected nothing less of Mark.
This time, both turn to leave.
Mark knows he has messed up. He doesn't need Chris muttering on his ears (though he obviously does that). The problem is that he needs to leave his shit out of this for a while if he wants things to work out. Because this whole unsolved issues thing is not one sided; Mark has his own, he just really thought he was over them.
Mark's shamefully clueless when it comes to these things.
So, when Eduardo ignored him, Mark had gone mad, thinking,
Go on and give up again, as easily as three years ago,
Instead of just using his so called brilliant mind, his unbreakable reason, to consider that Eduardo was upset, that he didn't trust Mark now. Mark would be dumb if he really believed this would be easy.
At least, he'd seen Eduardo wasn't just cold indifference. He had been rude. He wouldn't be rude if he didn't care, right?
Mark clings to this belief when he emails Eduardo.
We really should talk.
There is no answer. Weeks go by and there's still nothing, and Mark alternates between despairing, that everything has really gone to hell, and a familiar feeling that has bugged him since the beginnings of this whole situation with Eduardo, which is his own feeling of rejection, that Mark's not the one who put distance between them.
That Eduardo's the one who could never be bothered to listen.
Really, where did people get the idea that Mark was the stubborn one in this relationship? Eduardo, for all his kind and caring nature, could hide very well his own complexities.
And he proves to be equally unpredictable (not that Mark thinks so of himself, he actually believes he's boringly attached to his routine) when, a month later, he actually attends the shareholders meeting that he has pretty much ignored for the last couple of years, even if Mark insisted his secretary kept calling him to each of them.
He arrives a few minutes before the reunion, this time not bothering to compliment Mark. This time, unlike that day at the bar, there's more light and Mark can see that even in his impeccable suit, with his impeccable hair, Eduardo looks tired and Mark feels an edge of guilt. Back at Harvard, Eduardo was the one always taking care of him. Mark remembers soft words on his ears in the early morning after a night spent coding. He remembers gentle hands guiding him to bed, placing food next to his laptop. Eduardo's concerned eyes when he was sick or went too long without sleeping.
Mark had taken it all for granted.
He wonders if Eduardo has anyone who takes care of him.
Eduardo just makes his way to the opposite edge of the huge, rectangular shaped table and takes a seat. His face is unreadable, though he's purposefully in avoidance.
Then everyone's there and the meeting begins and Eduardo's actually paying attention, while Mark's head is short-circuiting.
Part of him wants this meeting to end so that he can pass Eduardo and ignore him. Three years ago, he'd have done just that. Things are not going as planed? Leave it behind. Too much trouble? Not worth it. Only coding was worth it, because there was an unquestionable solution waiting for him in the end.
Then, he remembers Dustin and Chris right after the dilution. God, they had been trouble, insisting on being around Mark even when they looked disgusted by him. Had Mark not been patient, had he not known it was worth it, he'd never have obtained their forgiveness.
Patience.
And the ability to take a fucking hint. Like when Dustin had started pacing around Mark's office again for no reason at all, and even if it was irritating, Mark had caught the meaning. Dustin was forgiving and no, Mark could not throw him out.
So, if Eduardo came, it must mean something. And if it doesn't, well.
Eduardo can't escape him, so Mark texts him.
Wait for me at the cafeteria.
Across the table, Eduardo's eyes narrow at him. Mark stands up, ignoring Chris's glare, and leaves the room to do some coding. The hour drags itself until Mark sees the members leaving the building.
He steps into the cafeteria and there's Eduardo. He hasn't ordered anything. Mark takes a seat across him.
"Have you ordered?"
"I don't want anything", he says somewhat irritated, then adds,
"Please go straight to the point"
And Mark has always been one to do just that, why is it so hard now?
"I want to talk", he announces as if it's news, as if it's not the only words he's been able to form until now.
"Now?", Eduardo asks with raised eyebrows and Mark bites down the sarcastic remark about stating the obvious that's on the tip of his tongue, because he really can't blame Eduardo on that one.
Still, Mark only shrugs, and when Eduardo inquires if he's really gonna have to ask why, he looks on the verge of losing it and Mark knows he'll have to do better than that, knows he'll have to give away more than he intended to.
"You're moving to Singapore", he tries to sound casual, but his voice comes out so small, he doubts he accomplished that.
There's a flash of understanding through Eduardo's face, before he shields it.
"So what?", he asks, not mockingly, but truly curious.
"We could have done better, you know. It didn't have to end like this"
He purposefully chose to use we, and noticed when Eduardo widened his eyes at that. But Mark knows this is about him making it right now, so he swallows his pride.
"I hate how I handled things. You didn't deserve it. I'm… I'm ashamed of myself, Eduardo"
"Then why did you do it?"
Mark tightens his lips and frowns. This may make things harder, but Eduardo deserves the truth, so he firmly says,
"First, I didn't have the balls to tell you about the dilution sooner. Plus, I didn't think you'd care so much, given the way you were acting towards the company"
Eduardo's eyes are intensely locked with his, and for a brief instant it looks like he'll stand and leave.
But he averts his eyes and sighs deeply.
"I wasn't mad because of the company"
Mark swallows.
"I know, Wa… Eduardo. I know. I wasn't justifying my actions. Just explaining"
Eduardo nods. His eyes even soften. But he's still not smiling. Still not at ease.
"I know I did bad business. With Facebook, I mean. I don't blame you for wanting me out, Mark. But you went behind my back, and that was…" – his voice breaks, and Eduardo shakes his head. He looks so drained.
He doesn't finish the sentence, and Mark doesn't need to be a genius of empathy to get the meaning.
Mark's afraid things will be stuck like this. I don't hate you, but that's it. I can never be close to you anymore.
He always knew being sorry didn't change a damn thing.
Still, he can't keep quiet while Eduardo looks like this.
"There's no excuse, I know. But it's done. I can only wish I'd acted differently, but it's useless", he shrugs, lips tightening with frustration and helplessness.
Mark forces himself to face Eduardo, whose gaze is now piercing into him.
"And you've decided it now?"
Mark's eyes narrow, despite of himself.
"I didn't decide anything. Ever heard of regret?"
"Took you long enough, huh?"
Before Mark's even aware what he's doing, the words are out of his mouth,
"At least I have the decency to acknowledge my mistakes!"
"What the hell? I've just told you I did terrible business! Do you really want to go there, Mark? Want to compete over who screwed up worse?"
"I'm not talking about bad business, I'm talking the part where you never gave a damn about Facebook"
This gets Eduardo's face pale with anger and Mark's suddenly grateful his laptop is nowhere to be seen.
"Assuming this absurd was true, Mark", he says through his teeth, "you're saying it gave you the right to…
"That's not what I'm saying. In fact, I'm saying the exact opposite"
Eduardo stares with a blank face, and after a while, Mark lowers his gaze. He doesn't know what to say anymore, and something tells him he's getting on Eduardo's nerves, which wasn't his intention at all. This is confirmed when Eduardo suddenly stands. Mark mimics him and wants to know what they'll do now.
He's waiting for Eduardo just turn and leave, which's why it's startling to hear,
"You look awful. Go home and sleep, for heaven's sake"
"You too", Mark says and it comes somewhat harsh, because it caught him out of guard. Eduardo's eyes widen and he nods.
I'll keep in touch, Mark wants to say. Instead, he's just silent as Eduardo turns to leave.
The first thing Mark does is run to Chris and Dustin, tell them everything and complain in their ears that things still didn't look well, in fact they looked even weirder than before.
Mark tries to remember since when he started to run to others for goddamn relationship advices, but he's not (ever) in the mood for self pity, so, he might just listen for once in his life, since Chris and Dustin now are more familiar with Eduardo than he is.
"You can't blame Wardo for being cautious", Dustin is straightforward, and before he knows what he's doing, Mark is arguing that he's forgiven Eduardo, has left all behind, so why can't Eduardo do the same? Then, his friends are staring at him as if he's grown a third head and Chris has his kind, PR posture when he asks what Mark has forgiven Eduardo for.
Only then, Mark realizes he can't go there without making things worse than they are.
A week passes and no news from Eduardo. Mark keeps his anxiety at bay as much as he can, until he's had enough and grabs his cell, that's resting on his desk, next to the laptop, which is news because Mark hardly even uses it.
He's single minded and he knows it. Eduardo had once mentioned it had something to do with him being a Taurus. Wardo loved to babble about astrology silliness anyway, especially how he and Mark fit because water is good to earth, whatever.
So, Mark texts,
How are things?
Without caring if it's awkward, because he's had a week to get used to the fact that things may keep awkward for a while. He remembers Eduardo's words, long ago: relationships sometimes start with some faking.
A couple of hours later, he gets,
Too much work. You?
Mark smiles with relief.
They start texting each other more frequently, and for the first time in his life Mark is actually careful with what he says, and there's still distance, he knows. He keeps trying, and he's never been good with words, but now they're all he has as a tool, so he learns to read not only the words, but hidden meanings between them, and when he senses a gap, he uses it, he goes in.
Eduardo doesn't give him many gaps. He's acting almost… polite. Like they hadn't pretty much lived together for years, like one hadn't seen the other throw up after overdrinking God knows how many times.
So when there's one gap, Mark treasures it. Like that one time when Mark had asked, how was your day, and instead of giving him the usual good, and yours, Eduardo had actually been honest, with, it was crap, everything sucked at work, I lost my temper with a potential client, was late for a reunion with another one because I developed a migraine and now I just want to sleep it all.
Mark thinks, if you were here, I'd want the details, but uses what he has, well, you should try to rest now, or watch one of your favorites, something light, like Wall-e.
Wall-e isn't light, it's pretty heavy for me, ok
Ok, just turn the weather channel on, then
Then I won't sleep
And one day Eduardo calls him. It takes some time for him to loosen up, and then they are spending hours on the phone, and Mark had forgotten how damn much he missed this, even when it's just small talk, how much he missed sharing things with Eduardo, how it made life brighter.
Mark still can't sleep properly, so one day, at some ungodly hour, he forwards a funny video to Eduardo, knowing that where he lives it's probably early evening.
His phone rings fifteen minutes later.
"Mark, what on earth, you're still working?", Eduardo scolds him.
"Um… Yeah?"
He can hear Eduardo breathing in.
"It's 3am, you should be home!"
"I am working at home, though. Can't spend nights at the office anymore"
"And why is that?", Eduardo asks, sounding haunted.
"I have to take care of Beast. My dog"
There's a moment of silence, in which Mark perfectly pictures Eduardo's shocked face.
"You have a dog?"
"That's what I said. So what?", Mark asks with an edge of defiance
"Nothing, it's just, I never imagined you'd want it", Eduardo honestly explains, and Mark lets his defensiveness drop.
"Yeah, whatever", he says, but it's soft.
Eduardo chuckles.
"But it's amazing, Mark! How is it going?"
So Mark tells him, smiling knowingly when Eduardo goes insane about the most ordinary things about Beast, the way Mark had always imagined he would.
"You should come see him", he eventually says, his voice casual, though they both know it's meaningful.
There's a brief silence that gets on Mark's nerves, before,
"I don't know if it'll be so soon, though"
"When you're here", Mark is quick to add. He doesn't want to pressure anyone, but he wonders if Eduardo can hear the anticipation in his voice.
When they hang up, Eduardo hasn't told Mark when is soon going to be.
It's been two months since they started talking when Eduardo announces he's coming to Miami, and Mark assumes he's probably visiting his family. Chris and Dustin thank God that now they can have both their friends going out and they settle a WII marathon at Mark's place, so Eduardo can meet Beast.
Mark's stomach's curling with anxiety when the day comes, even though he's tried everything (code binges, beer, code binges, sleeping pills, did he mention code binges?) not to expect too much.
Then someone's knocking at his door and it can only be one person, since Chris and Dustin are there already.
Eduardo's there, in casual (but still stupidly nice) clothes, carrying a package of some expensive beer, his tan more accentuated than ever. He smiles. But it's not his old, carefree, huge smile. It carries some unknown weight.
In the pockets of his hoodie, Mark's hands itch to give him a hug. It used to be the other way around, and Mark doesn't know how to do it.
Before Eduardo's even greeted Chris and Dustin, Beast comes running to them. He jumps at each one of them, resting his paws on their knees to be petted, and when he sees Eduardo, he sniffs him and does the same thing.
That's when Eduardo's smile really opens. Mark's not jealous of his dog. He's not.
They move to the main room to make themselves comfortable over Mark's big, expensive coaches. But even Mark, who sucks at reading people, can tell Eduardo's not comfortable. His limbs are rigid, his back is too straight. He doesn't take a seat next to Mark, with their knees rubbing and an arm thrown casually over the coach behind his back.
It turns out, as Mark had imagined, no one plays WII. They have too much to catch up with. Nobody mentions Facebook. Little by little, Eduardo seems to relax, he even laughs now and then (mostly Dustin's doing), but Eduardo…
He's not completely there.
He's… quiet, but not just that. It's his eyes… they alternate between being lost and when they focus on Mark, they're blank.
So after a while, Mark becomes quiet too. He'd been thinking that talking with Eduardo in person would be easier.
But he wasn't ready to face this distance.
So when Eduardo offers to go get more beer, Mark ignores Chris and Dustin's terrified faces and his own revolving guts, and goes after him.
He stops at the kitchen door. Eduardo is leaning over the fridge.
"Did I do or say something offensive?"
Eduardo closes the fridge with four beer cans in hand and turns to him.
"No. Nothing new, at least"
Mark flinches and bites his tongue before saying something rude.
"You… What's up, then?"
"What do you mean? What do you want me to do?"
Talk to me. For heaven's sake, just let me in.
"We talked. I figured you'd be more at ease"
"Well, I'm not", Eduardo's suddenly irritated.
"Yeah, we know, you've made it clear", Mark's mocking before he can help it.
"I'm sorry I'm not acting the way I'm supposed to!", Eduardo says through his teeth, before placing the cans on the sink and making his way to the door. When Eduardo storms past him, Mark panics and grabs his wrist.
"Wardo, wait!"
Eduardo freezes on his place, not because Mark's holding him, he's not strong enough to stop Eduardo. He turns to Mark and he's pissed off and this is so much better than nothing.
"I get it, all right? It's ok. Just stay"
They're so close Mark can sense heat emanating from Eduardo's body, can perfectly trace the contour of his handsome profile with his eyes, and is startled by how much he longs to trace it with his hands, or his lips.
Eduardo's hands turn into fists and he closes his eyes, before breathing in and finally nodding.
Only then, Mark lets go of his arm.
Then, Eduardo turns to him, his gaze dark and intense, burning holes into Mark, whose knees go instantly weak.
He wouldn't mind being under this gaze for the rest of this life. But then, Eduardo's turning to get the beer cans.
When they go back to the living room, he sits next to Mark.
Maybe he's a little more talkative.
At some point, Eduardo's phone rings, and when he answers his whole expression is soft. He excuses himself and goes to the kitchen.
He spends almost twenty minutes on the phone.
Mark's not expecting for Eduardo to sleep over. Still, he's a bit disappointed when he claims he's going with Dustin. But it's weird when Eduardo announces he's back to Miami next day. It's weird that Eduardo's staying for such a small time in California, since his friends are here.
He figures Eduardo must really miss his parents.
A week later Eduardo's back to Singapore, and Mark…
If there's one thing Mark doesn't lack, it's patience. He's a computer programmer, a coder, he can't lack patience. But the thing about coding is that he knows where it's heading to.
With people, Mark doesn't.
He has no clue as to what to do anymore. This is so disturbing. Mark's never had to do anything in particular so that things would work with Eduardo. Chris told him things are working, but Mark can't be at ease, and he doesn't know why.
That is why when a long holiday comes and Eduardo invites them to spend some time in his place, Mark agrees, even if he'd planned to catch up with work.
They land really early and Eduardo comes to pick them up. Of course, all of them are eager to visit the paradisiacal beaches and Mark knows he can't escape. It's a good thing his laptop is fully charged and he stubbornly ignores everyone's complains about him bringing it over. But when they are there under the hottest hour of the day, the sun exactly above their heads, and everyone's taken a dive except for Mark, Eduardo sits beside him and hands him a bottle.
"Mark… you'll get sick if you don't get into the water"
Mark lifts his eyes from the screen, frowning when the sunlight hits his eyes fully. The laptop's heat is getting uncomfortable and he's damp with sweat. He drinks the cold water Eduardo's given him and instantly feels better.
"Let's go back, then. Enough of beach"
Eduardo glares and Mark shrugs, but sets his computer aside. He looks at the sea for the first time since he's here, the calm rhythm of the waves, listens to its sounds. He can see Dustin and Chris far beyond the place where the waves break, their bodies slightly undulating with the water's movement.
"It's relaxing, isn't it?"
Eduardo's smiling at him. Mark nods.
"Want to come?"
Eduardo's already on his feet and Mark quietly accepts the hand extended to him.
It takes a moment for Mark to get over the thermo shock between his burning skin and the freezing water. Eduardo notices and chuckles, but waits for him. It's better to just dive in at once, he says, but Mark keeps slowly walking into the water, and when he last expects, he's abruptly pushed.
When he's resurfaced again, Eduardo's laughing hard, and he curses, but feels so refreshed it doesn't come with the impact he intends. For some reason it makes him recall a day years ago, back at college, when Mark wouldn't leave his computer and go to bed. Eduardo had playfully counted to three, and at Mark's stubborn refusal, he had swept him off his feet. Mark was in absolute shock at how easily Eduardo could carry him and was even more startled when Eduardo all but threw him on the bed as if he were a ragdoll. Mark fell ungracefully on his ass and immediately sat back, gritting his teeth, but Eduardo was over him again and pushed him back, and they repeated the game over and over (and since when Wardo was so strong?) until Eduardo was laughing so hard he'd had to stop.
It had been a long time ago, when Facebook was still thefacebook, when Wardo had started invading Mark's head from the minute he woke up until bed time, and even during coding times Mark would suddenly think of him. When Wardo's presence made him feel warm all over and butterflies in his stomach and just staring at him caused Mark to lose focus. Then he finally realized he liked Wardo, and when Mark thought of it, he couldn't help being under the impression that Eduardo liked him, too.
He couldn't be sure, though, especially because Eduardo had always treated him, well, not nice, more like frighteningly nice (he follows you around like a lost, needy puppy, Sean had commented later, and Mark had scolded him). Then, Christy had come, and it was all Mark could do to bury the feelings.
That day, when Eduardo had picked him up, Mark's whole body had burned from being held by Eduardo, even if for such a small time. The same way it burned whenever Wardo hugged him, threw an arm around his shoulders or even when he only stared in that way that always made Mark think Eduardo felt the same. Mark wasn't very attached to physical contact, so it had startled him how Eduardo's strong hold that day had awaken needs he didn't even know he possessed.
What really catches Mark's attention, though, is the way Wardo's smiling at him when he's done with laughing at him. It's so honest.
If Eduardo can smile at him like that, Mark must be doing something right.
It turns out Mark actually enjoys being in the water and doesn't even sulk like he'd been planning to, to make up for his ruined plans. But when they go back to the sand, it's already past 3pm and Mark, who isn't used to this, can't take the heat anymore. Since Chris and Dustin don't plan on leaving before sunset, Eduardo offers to go back with him. Wardo mutters Mark should have gotten into the water sooner while gathering their things.
Eduardo's place perfectly reflects him; it's elegant without needing much. It's undeniable modern, but without useless luxuries. There's a room filled with weather monitoring equipments that are always turned on, and graphics are always showing on wide computer screens. When Mark takes a look at that, he has to keep himself from cornering Eduardo and demanding to know what the fuck is keeping him from working with this, with his actual passion.
It's only after Mark's taken a shower that he finds out something that truly startles him. He goes to find Eduardo on his room. The door is slightly ajar, and when Mark looks inside, he sees Eduardo on his bed with a black, furry, large cat on his lap. He's patting him (or her, Mark can't tell) with pure adoration in his eyes.
As Mark silently makes his way to them, Eduardo announces,
"Her name is Dalia"
Mark settles himself on the bed and gently sinks his hand in the cat's fur. Dalia opens her eyes, keeping them narrowed (it's clearly a glare) and jumps from Wardo's lap to the floor, making her way towards the door.
Eduardo smirks,
"Don't you know anything about cats?"
Mark shrugs,
"I'm raising a dog"
Eduardo chuckles and stands, managing to reach Dalia before she's left the room. He stars petting her head and she doesn't move away but keeps rigid on her place. Soon, though, she's closing her eyes again, and when Mark last expects it, she gracefully lays down. Eduardo smiles and sits on the floor to get a better angle.
Wardo's still petting her when his eyes narrow.
"Don't you think it's hilarious that you actually took the dog while I've chosen the cat?"
Mark frowns.
"I fail to see what's funny about that"
Eduardo chuckles, mostly to himself.
"It's more than hilarious; it's fucking ironic. I'm the needy one, Mark. I'm the one who wants to take care of others, wants to be needed. And a cat hardly needs my help"
So that's what this is about.
Mark's always found Eduardo's self-deprecating side quite disturbing. It's something so deeply buried in Eduardo's mind that Mark's always lost, not knowing what to do to get Wardo to know he was fucking awesome.
On the other hand, Mark's always admired Eduardo for speaking so earnestly of himself. Wardo was never one to be ashamed of talking personal issues. It's quite the opposite; he's actually quite naïve, speaking of his weaknesses to anyone he's close with.
He doesn't say anything yet; lets Eduardo conclude his epiphany or whatever.
"And a dog needs constant reassurance. It needs care almost every minute of a day. That's why I almost fell hard on the floor when you told me about Beast. I mean, at college, we had to hide your laptop so you'd remember food and sleep, Mark!"
Mark scowls.
"I take pretty good care of my dog. Walks every day, eats better than I do, weekly baths, curls on my lap"
Wardo nods,
"I know"
"And I don't think you're needy. It's ridiculous; I don't even know where you get these things from, Eduardo"
Eduardo stares at him blankly, then shrugs,
"Yeah, whatever", which kind of pisses Mark off, because really, what was the point? That's why he adds,
"It's a miracle you haven't crushed Dalia with your neediness, then"
Soon, though, he's distracted by the way Eduardo's fingers are gently stroking Dalia's nape, and now Mark's jealous of a cat. Fantastic.
Mark makes himself comfortable on Eduardo's bed. He's unused to exposing himself to the sun for so long and it tired him. He ends dozing off right where he is.
It's hard to wake up two hours later, with someone gently shaking his shoulder. Mark blinks heavily, barely listening what the person is saying. He decides he doesn't want to move from where he is and turns on his side.
Then the voice calls him a little louder, and he's being shaken again. Mark curses and is about to send whoever it is out, when a cool hand lands on his forehead, and he can finally distinguish words,
"Are you running a fever?"
It's Wardo and Mark frowns, he really feels warm, and forces himself to open his eyes. Eduardo is leaning over him, also frowning, with a hand on his shoulder and the other still on his forehead.
This is painfully familiar. Wardo's concern, Wardo's care.
"Am I?"
Wardo grabs his arm and feels it, then slides his hand underneath Mark's shirt and fuck, feels delicious, and Mark can't help but squirm a little. He meets Eduardo's eyes, and Eduardo looks back, but quickly lowers his gaze.
"You're just warm from the sun. Are you feeling well?", he asks, voice a little hoarse
Mark nods, not trusting his voice right now. Wardo's eyes are dark and huge, fixed on him, and it's making Mark nervous. Thankfully (or not), Eduardo steps back and explains he was calling Mark for dinner, and that Dustin and Chris are waiting downstairs.
Dinner is fine, most of the awkwardness is gone. Soon, they're back to old patterns, like the whole arguing about what they'll watch. Chris enjoys cult, Dustin only likes trash terrors, Wardo's ok with anything and Mark has a list of his favorites that's not opened to discussion, thank you very much. As always, they don't reach a consensus and Dustin keeps surfing the channels until they find something neutral that none of them would ever have chosen on their own.
But there's beer and there's Dustin commenting it's not so bad and Chris saying they should put on the news channel and Wardo's laughing and Mark's tongue's as sharp as ever, so it's good.
There's still not Facebook or lawsuit talk, and that's what makes it different from Kirkland.
Also, the fact that someone calls Eduardo and he's suddenly got that look on his face, the soft one, and he excuses himself, spends at least 30 minutes on the phone and Mark has no idea who it is.
Next day morning, everyone agrees Mark shouldn't do sun exposure, and since Chris and Dustin are hopelessly in love with the beach (and asian girls, Dustin adds), Mark tells them to go ahead, he'll use this time to catch up with some work. But then, Eduardo offers to stay and take him out to see the town, and it's not that Mark wouldn't like that, but he had intended to do at least a small amount of coding in the holidays and Wardo looks like he wants to go with them anyway so he declines the offer.
Instead of complaining that he should enjoy the holiday out and not confined to a room, Eduardo shrugs and says nothing, which is weird.
The whole holiday goes like this; they wake up and Mark codes while the others go to the beach and when they return he's still wired in and he only stops when he's absolutely forced to, like when he has to dress to go out for dinner.
That's Mark's idea of fun and he doesn't care if others find it rude.
Wardo doesn't try to get him out of the computer, doesn't comment on Mark's behavior.
The night before they're leaving, Eduardo takes them to a bar where the sake is great. They all overdo it with the drinking, and Mark keeps shooting quick glances at Wardo, thinks Eduardo's doing the same, but doesn't know if he's just imagining things. They're talking about Eduardo's work, and Eduardo's telling them about great investments and even greater opportunities; it's making Mark angry for some reason, and he's always had a problem with alcohol: it makes him think too fast and sometimes he speaks what he thought without having time to filter, so what happens is that he lets out,
"You should come back to the States, there's nothing you're doing here that can't be done there",
And when Eduardo answers,
"And you should keep your mouth shut", nobody was expecting it, not even Wardo himself. Even Mark's shocked, his eyes widened for a moment before going blank even if he's still unsettled. Eduardo excuses himself to the bathroom and everyone is silent for a good while. Then Eduardo's back, he has clearly washed his face and pulled his hair back, because it's all messed.
"I'm sorry", he mutters, eyes fixed on the floor. Mark swallows and manages,
"No problem", his voice smaller than he intended.
Later, Chris says it served him well for intruding in Eduardo's life. Mark wonders if that was the reason that made Wardo so angry, because as far as he knows, he's always spoken his mind and Eduardo has never minded it, except, of course, for the whole Facebook issue.
Mark wonders if he's lost this, the right to speak his mind with Eduardo.
Then, not even a month later, Eduardo's back to the States and Mark wonders why, until they all meet at Dustin's place and Eduardo shows up with a curly haired woman hanging to his arm.
It's his girlfriend from Miami.
So that's why he came, and that's why he had not been too long at California that time they had gathered at Mark's. From the look on their faces, Dustin and Chris obviously thought Mark knew, because they shoot him confused, apologetic glances at the sight of his face.
Mark stays frozen on his place, trying not to let too much shock show on his face, smiling coldly at her, and when she says, so you're Mark Zuckerberg? You're the one to be blamed that I waste so much time in the internet, he manages to bite his tongue and not reply with don't be stupid, this is your own fault.
He knows he can't say what he wants, and since Mark's not prone to faking, he retrieves to another room with his laptop in hands, hoping to wire in and forget he's here.
Chris comes and Mark waves him off. Dustin pokes him and Mark slaps him. Eduardo comes and Mark tells him he's got too much work to do without even taking his eyes of the screen.
From the corner of his eyes, he sees Eduardo's resigned nod. Mark knows he's only here for one day, that he only came to see them.
Twenty minutes later, he closes his laptop and goes back to the main room. He keeps his mouth mostly shut, and knows it's for the best.
Time goes by and Eduardo comes to Miami at least once a month. He always visits, and sometimes he brings his girlfriend with him. Mark's living with that. He's not all sympathies with her, but then again, he's not with anyone, so he gets away with that.
He's mentally scolded himself a thousand times for getting his hopes up again. He must be really pathetic to even consider Eduardo would want to be involved with him after everything that happened. It was hard enough getting his trust again.
Plus, Wardo's happy. Mark knows part of it is because the four of them are back together. But he's also seen the way that girl treats him, she's smart and kind and clearly makes Eduardo feel, well, loved. And he's seen the way Wardo looks at her, the way he talks to her and about her, and yes, he adores her.
If Mark thinks too much of it, his eyes sting. Which is pretty much all the time.
Then one day, out of the blue, Dustin comes running into his office,
"Best buddies emergence. Wardo needs us tonight"
"What happened?", Mark asks, taking his headphones out.
"He's had a fight with his girlfriend. He sounded miserable, so it's probably serious"
Mark doesn't come even close to thinking that it's a good idea for him to comfort a heart broken Eduardo, in fact he knows chances are he'll make it a thousand times worse. But it's his duty as a friend, a friend that Eduardo now trusts, finally. So he goes, praying to all the gods he doesn't believe in.
At Chris's place, there's Wardo sitting with his shoulders curved and Chris listening patiently. There's a couple of empty beer cans and Mark wonders if Eduardo's had them all. Dustin goes to him and pets his shoulder and Mark nods. Wardo's eyes are red and Mark can't tell if it's from drinking or if he's been crying.
"She doesn't want a relationship at distance anymore", Wardo announces. Dustin tightens his lips in sympathy. Eduardo proceeds, filling them in about the details that he'd just told Chris.
Apparently, the girl had always complained about it, because she believed Eduardo could perfectly do his business from here, that there was nothing holding him to Singapore, so she never understood his reasons to be there. In fact, she had the opinion that he would do better in New York.
When Chris asks Eduardo how he stood about it, Eduardo says that he had built a life in Singapore, even if it was just a professional life, so it was unfair that she demanded it from him.
Then, Chris gently asks,
"But doesn't this distance relationship bother you?"
Eduardo looks surprisingly caught of guard. It takes him a solid moment to respond,
"Well, yeah, but…", he stops, lips curling in frustration, as if he had a complicated mathematic problem in front of him and Mark's suddenly pissed,
"What's your priority?"
Everyone turns to him and Eduardo's frowning,
"What?"
Mark knows he's losing it, he's mixing things, bringing old, personal stuff into this, but for once he's giving up control and for once he doesn't care.
"Priorities, Eduardo. You've got to keep yours in mind, or risk screwing everything again"
Dustin's eyes are wide like a puppy's, Chris is sending him that look that makes Mark feel ashamed of himself and Eduardo…
Mark turns and leaves before the shock in Wardo's face turns into something like hate and Mark just can't have that.
He steps into the first room that comes into his view, it's a guest room judging from its emptiness, and fuck, fuck, fuck.
He really did it this time. It's over. Eduardo's probably done with him now. He's been a shitty friend, throwing his own shit on his face when Eduardo needed help, needed support from his friends. Wardo was miserable and Mark came and made him feel even worse for no reason at all.
Mark can't recall the last time he felt like this, like crap. Actually, he can. It was that night long ago when he watched security walk right behind Eduardo, Sean's victorious smirk and everyone's horrified looks.
Mark feels ashamed, feels like he's just given a show of hysteria, but above it all it's unbearable to know that he's been a jerk and is standing here, doing nothing. He almost feels Eduardo's disgust growing every second.
Making his mind to fix things, Mark's just turning back when Eduardo suddenly walks into the room and they almost collide. He takes a moment to look at Mark. His eyes are burning, his jaw is tight but his face is blank; this is beyond rage, it's more dangerous and Mark shivers.
"What did you mean back there, Mark?", he asks, voice low and cutting, and Mark doesn't know what to do, can't look straight at him. He can't answer this question, not without compromising their friendship even further, and he doesn't intend to, so he sticks to his first plan.
"I'm sorry. I said bullshit, leave it, I'm sorry", he says in his usual, neutral tone, hands in his pocket and still looking at some point beyond Eduardo's shoulder.
Next thing Mark knows, he's roughly pressed against the wall, hands on his arms keeping him there and Eduardo's face mere inches from his.
"I don't care for your excuses, this time I want to know what the fuck did you mean", and shit, he's deadly calm and Mark squirms, it's involuntary, but enough for Eduardo's hand to tighten their hold on his arms.
That's it. Mark knows to recognize when he's trapped and there's only one way now. He forces himself to meet Eduardo's dark, piercing eyes.
"I was referring to the time when you didn't stay when I asked you to, so I came to the conclusion that you weren't interested"
Eduardo studies him for a moment that feels long and that makes Mark feel exposed, he can actually feel the flush in his cheeks, but he holds it.
Next moment, Wardo's lips are crushed against his.
Mark makes a surprised noise that's muffled. He has an impulse of freeing his arms but Eduardo's now holding his wrists, and his lips are moving over Mark's, smooth but firm, and Mark opens for him and God, Wardo's lips are moving into Mark's, tongue searching into his mouth, licking up to the roof of his mouth and Mark can barely kiss back, because Eduardo's taken control, kissing him with such passion (or is it anger?) that's making Mark's knees go weak with want. Still, he tries giving it back, tries putting into the kiss how stupidly much he wants this, and suddenly, Wardo groans, but it's somewhat a frustrated sound. Mark wants to hold him closer, but Wardo won't let go of his wrists and Mark's struggling, and suddenly Eduardo parts.
He parts, but presses his forehead to Mark's for a brief instant, his eyes closed, his lips a thin line, but Mark's eyes are open. Mark's dazzled by the kiss, he's trembling head to toes, but he's also sensing something wrong and starts feeling like he's sinking.
Wardo steps back.
What the hell, Mark wants to say, but can't bring himself to.
"This was totally stupid", Eduardo announces, and Mark feels as if he's been stabbed.
"Why?", he manages, voice hoarse.
"Because it was! I've wanted this for so long I don't even know, Mark, but I've learned the hard way this is not possible, ok?"
"Why not?", Mark stubbornly argues, even if he feels his strength slowly being drained from him.
"Stop pretending you don't know, Mark. It's unbecoming of you", Eduardo's throws at him and Mark flinches, but no biting answer comes to him, maybe because he knows Wardo's right, or maybe because he's just grown.
"I've wanted this too, you know. Since, well, I've lost count", he says as if he's talking about the weather, trying not to let desperation into his voice.
Eduardo's eyes widen for a moment, before going soft, and he quietly says,
"I figured"
Mark thinks he'll change his mind. He even steps closer, but stops and Mark panics and grabs his arm.
"The only a reason I see for us not to go on is if you don't want it. But judging from what just happened, I don't think it's the case. We'll deal with the rest"
Eduardo shakes his head,
"Stop it, Mark. Stop reaching conclusions on your own, this isn't just about what you want"
Then, a deep sorrow takes over Wardo's face,
"I shouldn't have done that"
Mark tries to ignore the pain on his chest, his curling insides, but Eduardo's pulling his arm back and Mark isn't letting him, and since when did he become so clingy, but eventually Eduardo frees himself and leaves.