I didn't end up getting on the red eye that night, or the next night. I wanted to so badly, but it was clear for the time being Santana wanted to be alone, or as alone as she could get. Everything in me screamed for me to go, but I was scared and nervous and my pride held me back. It was stupid and immature but I loved her and at this point I'd do anything she needed. Even if that meant staying away from her, but really all I needed was to hold her in my arms and not let go. That was the selfish side of me talking, but I was growing up and changing and going through all this in a mature matter was a part of that change.
Our apartment was quiet, and empty feeling, or maybe that was just me. Ryder had asked me to go for ice cream with him but I passed, there was only one person I wanted to share ice cream with and it wasn't him. So there I was the night after I decided I wanted to go and be with Santana, right where I started, on the couch watching the disney channel, eating ice cream.
Santana was at the hospital, if you were wondering why I wasn't talking to her. Visiting hours were over but Kitty had asked that she stay the night with her. Another reason why I didn't end up on the flight, I didn't want to intrude. Having had enough of the ice cream, I put my empty bowl in the sink, tossed on Santana's sweater and headed upstairs to the roof.
It was a clear night, the stars were out in abundance so I lied down on one of the chairs and stared up at the nights sky. A few tears fell from my eyes, which I wasn't proud of but I was just frustrated with the situation I had let myself get into. I was almost hoping Santana would come back and tell me that she still loved Kitty and that they were going to try and make things work. It was easier to hear that then to hear that she just didn't want to be with me. A part of me knew that was the furthest thing from the case, but even Quinn had said it, her best friend wasn't one for a commitment.
Earlier
I met up with Quinn and Rachel for breakfast at a small place Santana and I loved, they had the best blue berry muffins I had ever had in my life. With the exception of my home made ones, but I didn't bake to much so I settled. After ordering our food and having the usual small talk that's when it all got down to business.
"Are you two a couple yet?" Rachel asked.
"She isn't even home and you asked me that yesterday, what do you think my answer today is?" She shrugged and I rolled my eyes. "Plus how many times do I have to tell you we like each other yes but we are still just friends nothing more."
Up to this point Quinn had been silent. "Look Britt, I know your talking here like you're all level headed but sweetie, you got it bad. I'm only saying this because I don't want you to get hurt because of Santana or getting your hopes up. She isn't one to settle down, it's clear that she likes you and I know the last thing she would ever want to do is hurt you but since she's moved her she hasn't really tried the whole serious relationship thing. On the bright side I see her mind changing all the time, can she handle it, I don't know but only time will tell. Sorry because I know I'm probably confusing you more but well its confusing and now I've confused myself."
"You're saying be careful?"
Quinn nodded. "Exactly."
Rachel shook her head. "Being careful is over rated, if I was careful you and I wouldn't be sitting here." She smacked Quinn's leg and looked at me. "I know her too and I know that look in her eye, it's one I've never seen her give anyone before, not even Kitty. You're both scared shitless of falling in love, well I say get over it, and just tell her you love her Britt. You say it will complicate and change things but I say it will make things a lot easier."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I don't know why I was looking at the sky, like the stars could tell me what to do but I was hoping they could. When I got back from the Hamptons I told myself and Santana I was just going to let things happen but since then it's been really tough. I'm sure everyone goes through it, that feeling of knowing that the other person is into you but being to scared to really admit it to yourself.
My cell phone buzzed in the front pocket of my jeans and I got the most intense feeling. My heart stopped but it felt like time sped up and I know that makes no logical sense, but since when is love logical. I knew it was Santana, I don't know how but I did and I wasn't disappointed.
I love me some chicken wings. Without thinking I replied with the first thing that came to mind. I love me some Santana. "Shit!" I cursed myself out loud, glad that no one was around to hear it, I sent that far too fast without thinking it through. To my delight and the delight of the butterflies in my stomach which Santana's reply cause. I love me some Brittany too. Don't ask me why but it made my heart melt, and suddenly the rough day I had of thinking didn't mean anything. She asked what I was doing and I told her. In response she told me to go inside and get warm. It was funny and cute how protective she was over me. When I asked how Kitty and things at home were she told me she didn't want to talk about it so I didn't press the subject.
A half hour later I was lying in Santana's bed instead of mine, which I asked her about first. It made me feel closer to her and her bed was bigger so that was another plus. We stayed talking for a while and it was the happiest I had been all day. For some reason unbeknownst to me the only time my head really kicked into high gear was when I wasn't talking to Santana. I knew that it wasn't because she didn't want to talk to me just that she couldn't but it all did my head in. This might sound really strange but I texted her and asked her if I could sleep with her tonight. It was a thing we had been doing when one of us had left, it wasn't nearly as good as the real thing but it helped ease the mind. She made a joke about me being in her bed and being in her bed, it took me a minute to get what she really meant. So there we were both on the same wave length, both thinking about being in the others arms and like normal when that happened the rest of the world disappeared.
I think we should escape to our own island, we can call it Brittana if that's our couple name. Just us, sunshine, a hammock and relaxation, no real world drama or stress. Once again she had managed to give me the most intense butterflies. I replied and agreed with her, but I knew our little personal paradise wouldn't happen anytime soon. The next few texts I got surprised me but at the same time made me happy to know that Santana felt comfortable enough to tell me everything.
They said Kitty has to have another surgery, I know she is going to be okay, she has to be but I still hate seeing her go through all of this. It isn't fair and it isn't fair that I can't be with you right now because I really really really just want to hold you. Everything is grey and dull until I get to talk to you, this part in my day never seems to come fast enough. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I can be here for Kitty but you know how things are with my step dad and he's still the same ass. I'm just tired and I want to come home but I don't want to leave her, I just can't tell you enough how lucky I am to have you in my life.
Butterflies at this point didn't explain what was happening in my stomach. There was a happiness that consumed me but at the same time the sadness of the entire situation took over. It was at that moment that I knew what I needed to do and it had nothing to do with myself, whether she wanted me there or not, I was giving Santana a really big surprise. As we laid there talking, and me trying to get her to smile which I hoped I had, I booked a plane ticket with no return flight for the time being. I would stay as long as she needed me, even if it was only for a few hours. Sometime around 3 a.m. I fell asleep with my phone open beside me, the morning ahead of me was going to be a whirlwind and I just hoped that I was doing the right thing.