A/N: I'm sorry there was such a gap between this update and the last one. This chapter gave me a lot of trouble, for some reason. Anyway, it's finally done (I think) so here it is! One more chapter to go and we will have successfully journeyed through this whacky lil story together! woo! Thank you so much for you guys' continued support and reviews, as always!
Sydney smiled back at Christian, because it was hard not to. Still, she wasn't comfortable talking about Ms. Terwilliger's "assignments" and all the weirdness that surrounded them. She didn't like being involved with magic, and the notion that she had some kind of power in her daunted her. She sighed.
"It's complicated."
"Like, calculus complicated?" Christian smirked. "or like, you don't want to tell me complicated?"
"Calculus isn't really as complicated as people think," Sydney said, ignoring the second part of his question. "It's got a bad rep for being impossible, but it's really quite simple, it's all about memorization-"
"Sydney." Christian cut her off, chuckling. "Did you seriously just get defensive about math?"
Sydney blushed. "No." she cleared her throat. "And anyway, it's not that I don't want to tell you, but...if I did..."
"You'd have to kill me?" Christian raised his eyebrows.
Sydney laughed. "Maybe," She paused, wondering if he'd let the subject drop.
He didn't. He just shrugged easily and said, "Give me the need-to-know version." When she continued to frown he sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to him. "Come on, indugle me. It'll take your mind off whatever it is that happened between you and Adrian."
Sydney sighed, reluctantly moving over to sit beside him. "Well, back in Palm Springs, I have this teacher, she's my History teacher to be exact, which isn't really relevant...Anyway," she cleared her throat, "She used to make me research all this weird stuff about spells and magic, she told me it was for a book she was writing, but as I've come to find out she had ulterior motives for me. She wanted me to learn all that because she's convinced that I can...do things. As in, things that people shouldn't be able to do. Like make a bag of leaves and rocks catch fire spontaneously." She took a deep breath and waited for Christian's reaction to that.
"Wait, wait." Christian said, eyeing her dubiously. "Spells? You mean like, witchcraft?"
Sydney's stomach turned. "Please. Don't use that word."
"Sorry," Christian lifted his hands up, "That's just what it sounds like to me."
"Yeah, that's what it sounds like to me too," Sydney frowned. "Which is why I don't like it. It's like I said earlier, when I threw that amulet at the Strigoi I had no idea it would actually work. I was in survival mode and I just thought, well I'm about to die here, why not?"
"So what was actually in the thingy, then?" Christian asked, seeming more interested in the logistics of the amulet than Sydney's existential crisis.
"Nothing flammable, if that's what you're thinking." Sydney answered. "Nothing that would scientifically make sense to ignite. And while I was making the stupid thing, I had to follow all these ridiculous instructions, like chanting certain phrases over and over, which I only did because I thought it was part of the research project I was supposed to be writing a paper on." Sydney shook her head. "I guess it's lucky I went through with all that, though. Or Adrian and I might not be here today." That thought unsettled her. Magic was wrong. That was something she knew inherently. Humans shouldn't be able to wield that kind of power. And yet, she was certainly grateful to still be alive. And magic had done that. As it had healed a wound in seconds that would have needed stitches had she gone to a hospital.
"So what you're saying is," Christian said slowly, his eyebrows cast downward in thought, "As long as someone had all the ingrediants or whatever, and said all the chants and followed the instructions that you did, they'd be able to do the same thing? It would just...work?"
Sydney's frown deepened. "Well...not exactly."
Christian cocked his head to side. "But it worked for you...because...?"
"I don't know," Sydney shrugged. "If you ask my teacher, it's because I apparently have magical ability within me. I don't know...I really don't know what to make of that." Sydney's mind went back to the night Ms. Terwilliger had dragged her out of bed to do the scrying spell, and the fierceness in her voice when she told Sydney that improving upon her "abilities" was imperative. She wasn't going to get into that with Christian, though. That was not part of the need-to-know version.
"That's wild," Christian said with a smile. Sydney wondered if he was acting so flippant about this to make her feel less strange or because he really just didn't think it was a big deal. She didn't know which one of those she wanted to be true, either. "So what other kind of stuff can you do?"
Sydney swallowed, "A lot. Allegedly, anyway. I have a book of spells that my teacher gave me. I started reading it on the way here. Apparently manipulating fire, in small quantities anyway, is one of the more basic things a...magic user," she said the word pointedly, "can do. Which probably explains why the incineration amulet worked for me. I wasn't even trying when I did it."
"Or maybe you're just super powerful," Christian goaded, clearly not realizing how much this whole thing bothered her.
"I don't like to think so," Sydney said.
He shook his head. "Wow, that's so crazy. In a good way," he added, touching her shoulder. "I mean that's pretty cool that you can do all that stuff. Anything you can demonstrate?"
Sydney widened her eyes. "What? No."
"Oh," Christian's face crumpled in disappointment, which surprisingly had a stirring effect on her.
"It's not that I wouldn't show you," she said, "It's just that...I don't like doing anything magic-related unless I absolutely have to. And most spells are kind of complicated. They require certain ingrediants that have to be prepared meticulously. The most basic one I came across so far was a spell to light a candle, but the simpler ones would require someone much more advanced than me to pull them off." She gave him an apologetic look.
Christian stood up wordlessly and walked away. Sydney was confused. Was he that upset she couldn't show him anything? She was pissing people off left and right tonight, it seemed.
"Christian?" she asked hesitantly, unsure of whether she should follow him. He returned a moment later, a wide grin on his face. She was still confused but at least he wasn't mad.
All became clear when sat down next to her on the couch, unfolding his hand. She looked down to find him holding a small, circular candle.
She rolled her eyes, laughing. "Christian, I told you. I won't be able to do it."
He nudged his hand forward. "Yeah, yeah. But try it anyway, I just want to see you in action."
"There's not going to be any action," she said, picking up the candle and holding flat in her own palm. "It's not going to work."
"Oh well," he shrugged. "Then you can just say 'I told you so', you seem like the type of person who'd be into that."
She frowned. "Are you calling me a know-it-all?"
"Only in the best of terms," he smiled. "Come on Sydney, pleeeease?" he stretched out the e sound in the word please like a whiny child.
She shook her head. "Alright, alright." she stared half-heartedly down at the candle, recalling the incantation she'd read. She took a deep breath. "Air around me, grant me fire." She paused. As expected, nothing happened. She looked up at Christian smugly. "I told you-"
"You didn't even try!" He accused, laughing. "That doesn't count."
She scoffed. "I was trying!" Though she really wasn't. Partially because she knew it wasn't going to work, regardless, and partially because she was afraid it would.
"Oh come on," he sighed. "Really try. Feel the magic in your bones, or whatever witches do."
"I thought we agreed not to use that word," Sydney narrowed her eyes.
"Okay, sorry, whatever magic users do." Christian rolled his eyes.
Sydney didn't really know why she was humoring him like this, she had nothing to prove to him, she barely knew him, after all. But there was something about him that just...clicked with her. She liked him. He was nice and funny and seemed like he was one of those people who just didn't judge. She'd spent her whole life around people who did nothing but judge, so being around someone like Christian was a pleasant break from that. It was very odd, because as far as vampires went, Christian was the least likely one she'd ever thought she'd want to touch with a ten foot pole, let alone sit on the same couch with. Yet she felt inexplicably at ease around him. Not the same way that she did when she was with Adrian, that was in a whole other universe of emotions, but maybe she and Christian really were something like kindred spirits. She shook her head, sighing heavily. "Fine."
She closed her eyes and attempted to clear her mind and concentrate on the spell. The book said you had to be intensely focused on what you were trying to achieve. You had to envision the power within yourself, feel it, harness it, and release it. Seemed simple enough, except this was for someone who already understood their power and knew how to use it. Sydney didn't fit either of those requirements. Still, she tried to do so. She envisioned the power as an amorphous source of light in her chest that spread up and out, traveling through her arms and down to her fingertips. Power of suggestion must be a powerful thing indeed, because at that moment she felt an off-putting sensation in her hands. It was hard to describe, like a humming of sorts, an indistinct vibration that came with an unexpected swelling of self-assurance. She opened her eyes and looked down at the candle. Focus on what you're trying to achieve, she reminded herself. She narrowed her mind down to one train of thought. The humming feeling intensified, and with each second that passed it built up inside of her like a rubber band being stretched to its snapping point. She took a deep, steadying breath and spoke with purpose, "Air around me, grant me fire."
She stared down at the candle for a few seconds. Nothing happened. She exhaled and the humming feeling inside her faltered, but in a strangely dissatisfying way. She found herself actually a little bit disappointed. And though it had faded substantially, the humming feeling still lingered uncomfortably within her, like she had too much energy in her body that needed to be expelled.
She looked up at Christian, blinking herself out of the trance she'd unwittingly gone into. "Sorry," she said a little dazedly, "I tried."
"S'okay." Christian flashed her an easy smile. "I really thought it was going to work there for a second, you looked...intense."
"Yeah, I almost did too." Sydney laughed, shaking her head. "But like I said, simpler spells are for the more advanced and my abilities are still underdeveloped."
"Ah, well." Christian shrugged. "You get an A for effort." he reached forward to retrieve the candle from her palm, pinching it between thumb and forefinger, and as he pulled away his hand lightly brushed up against hers. In that instant, two things happened.
One: the humming feeling went into overdrive. It was like the jolt of static electricity you get when you touch something metal after walking across a carpet, except times ten.
And, Two: The candle burst into flame.
"Whoa!" Christian exclaimed, struggling to keep the candle steady in his fingers, "talk about a delayed reaction!"
Sydney reared back in shock, bringing her hands up to her chest. The candle snuffed itself out a second later. "Christian!" she admonished, blinking rapidly. "Why did you do that?"
"Me?" Christian looked surprised. "I didn't do anything."
"Of course you did," Sydney was breathless, her heart still beating fast. "The candle lit when you touched it."
He frowned. "But I wasn't trying to do anything."
"Well, I certainly didn't do it," Sydney wrung her hands, as if to knead out any of the residual tingly feeling that was coursing through them.
Christian pursed his lips in thought, then a strangely wonderstruck expression spread across his features. He set the candle aside. "Sydney, I think..." he cocked his head to the side, "I think we did it."
Sydney scoffed. "That is impossible."
"Is it?" Christian asked, looking up at her. "I mean...I don't know how your magic works or anything-"
"That makes two of us," Sydney grumbled, though she had a pretty good idea of where he was going with this.
"But," Christian pressed on, "It would kind of make sense... I mean, you were using energy to channel a specific element, right?" he looked at her expectantly.
"Sort of," she nodded slowly, "But-"
"And that element was fire, which is the element I have an affinity for." he smiled, like he was talking about an old friend, "Maybe we somehow..." he paused, then balled his hands into fists, extending each index finger and touched them together, making a zap sound as he did so.
Sydney shook her head, "I don't...that's impossible." she said again.
"The candle didn't light when I touched it," he gave her a pointed look, "It lit when I touched you. And my hand felt all weird when it happened, like that tingly feeling you get when your foot falls asleep." He smiled. "Come on, Sydney. You have to admit, that was pretty cool."
"Cool" wasn't the word she'd use to describe what had just happened. Usually she felt drained and weak after a spell, but right now she felt fine. Better than fine, actually. She felt a little bit hyped up, like she'd had one too many coffees. Was it possible that when Christian touched her their powers had somehow...combined? Theoretically, she supposed it wasn't completely out of the question. She'd have to speak with Ms. Terwilliger about it, but then that would require actually telling Ms. Terwilliger what she'd done, and if her teacher found out she'd been able to almost complete a spell someone with her rudimentary skills should not have been able to, she might bust a capillary Sydney didn't want to think that she had any type of arcane ability at all, let alone a powerful one.
She shook her head again, "I can't believe that just happened." She looked down at the candle Christian had set on the coffee table in front of them, then back up at him. She puffed out a breath. "I guess that was kind of cool."
"Hell yeah it was!" Christian laughed, taking ahold of her shoulder and giving her a light shake. "I mean, imagine what we could do if we both actually tried. And when you know more about your powers, I bet we could like-"
"Christian!" Sydney hissed, "I don't want to imagine anything like that. I don't like doing this. I'm only learning more about it because..." she paused, still not wanting to delve into the specifics, "because I promised my teacher I would try to improve upon my skills a bit. But I don't even like the idea that I have any sort of magical ability, and this is something that has to stay between us." she looked at him seriously.
His face fell. "Oh," he said. "Okay."
"Don't give me that face!" Sydney groaned, trying to look away from the kicked puppy expression in his impossibly blue eyes. "You should feel special I even tried a spell at all, I don't think I can express how uncomfortable I am with all this."
He leaned back against the couch, eyeing her curiously. "I'm guessing the Alchemists wouldn't approve?"
"A gross understatement," Sydney said.
He nodded, then smirked. "You're kind of sucking at the whole, not doing stuff the Alchemists frown upon, you know."
Sydney sighed heavily. "Yes. Of this, I am aware."
"Maybe..." he paused, "I don't want to offend you or anything, but maybe you're not really meant to be one of them. In the time I've spent around you, you don't really seem like the others I've come across."
Sydney shot him a sharp look. What he was saying was true. She'd broken more rules than she could count, but she was very good at justifying most of it to herself. She'd never felt like she really fit in with the other Alchemists. No matter what she did nothing was ever good enough for them, and even on the rare occasions she was praised for all her hard work, it never really felt...good. She always felt like she was just floundering on the fringes, holding on with all her might, trying to force herself to feel accepted by a group of people who didn't seem to actually care that much about her.
Christian made a face. "Uh oh. Did I strike a nerve?"
"Something like that," Sydney said tightly.
"Hey," he said, and his voice was soft, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean as a bad thing. If anything it was a compliment. I mean, you're really cool and fun and..." he trailed off, "You know. The Alchemists don't really seem like a fun bunch. I know you were raised by them but, hey, I was raised by psychos. And for a long time I thought that's all life had in store for me. That was all I knew. And people automatically wrote me off as the 'messed up kid' you know? So that's what I thought I had to be." he paused, and Sydney turned to face him, watching as he picked up a bottle from the table and started absent-mindedly peeling back the label on it as he spoke. "I played that up, because I thought that's all people would ever expect of me. And maybe that was me a little bit, back then, but I didn't really know who I was...I don't know, I'm not making any sense." he laughed. "The point I'm trying to make is, who you were raised by doesn't necessarily determine who you're going to be. It took me a long time to realize that."
Sydney stared at him. His words stirred something inside of her. It was a warm feeling, like walking into a well heated room after being out in the cold. "Well," she breathed after a moment. "That was...deep."
"Yeah," he laughed, still staring intently at the bottle he was holding, clearly embarrassed. "Didn't mean to go all philosophical on you. I just...I know what it's like to think you have to be a certain way...and it sucks."
Sydney nodded slowly, still reeling from everything he'd said. "Yeah. It definitely doesn't feel good."
"Sorry for forcing you into doing the spell thing,though." he said the words quickly, like he wasn't sure if he should be saying them or not. "I didn't mean to make you feel weird."
"Oh, no." Sydney said, reaching forward to put her hand on his wrist. "It wasn't you that made me feel weird. Please don't think that." She smiled at him. "It's all of this. It's me, even. I don't really know what I'm doing, to be honest. Nothing I should be, that's for sure."
He smiled back. "Nobody knows what they're doing. I certainly don't. We all just do the best we can, I guess." he set the bottle he'd been fidgeting with back down on the table and leaned back against the couch. "I think it's been long enough. You should probably go talk to Adrian."
Sydney smirked. "Are you kicking me out?"
He chuckled. "You're welcome to sleep here, if you want. But I think you'll regret it if you don't find him before tomorrow. When me and Lissa fight, it's the worst. It's like I can't even think about anything else until we've made up."
Sydney sighed. "I'd like to talk to him but I don't know if it's a good idea. Maybe I should just give him space, let him come to me?"
Christian shook his head. "Then you'll be waiting for a long time. Have you met Adrian?"
She couldn't help but laugh, though the sick feeling in her stomach had returned now that she was thinking about Adrian again. "I guess you're right. You're so wise." she teased. "I feel like I just had a therapy session. How much do I owe you?"
"First one's on the house," he grinned. "But my usual rate is one thousand dollars an hour."
"I'd say that's a fair price for a piece of your infinite wisdom," Sydney said, nodding. Then she turned her voice serious. "All jokes aside, I really do appreciate you talking to me. You're...you're a really good friend."
He shrugged, seemingly embarrassed again. "It's no big deal."
"It is to me," she whispered. Then, in a surprise to both of them, she leaned forward to lock him in a tight embrace. It took him a moment to react, but he wrapped his arms around her as well, giving her a too-tight squeeze, the way a brother would. "I'm really glad I met you," she said, her chin resting on his shoulder. "You're a good person."
He pulled back from the hug, looking down sheepishly. "Back atcha," he said, "To both of those things."
They both stood up then, and Sydney sighed. "I don't know about that. I used to think I was a good person, but lately I'm not so sure."
Christian rolled his eyes. "I could argue with you about this, but I've got to admit, I'm actually really tired." he laughed. "But we can cover that in our next therapy session."
"Oh, goodness, I forgot!" Sydney blushed, remembering Adrian's dramatic departure was what had dragged Christian out of bed. "I'm sorry. You should go back to sleep."
"I'll walk you out," he said, gesturing toward the door. "Good luck with Adrian," he added as he opened it for her. "You'll need it."
Sydney tried to smile at his joke but there was too much truth in it for her to really find it funny. "Thanks," she whispered as she slipped out into the hallway. "For everything. Again."
"Goodnight, Sydney." was all he said in reply, and Sydney realized she was probably embarrassing him again.
"Goodnight, Christian." They shared one last smile before she turned away and made the uncomfortable trek to Adrian's hotel room. She didn't even know if he'd be in there, or if he'd be asleep, but she had to try.
It took four knocks with agonizing one minute pauses between (she actually counted to 60 in her head each time) before Adrian answered the door. He looked at her, bleary eyed. "What?"
She tried not to flinch. "I'm sorry if I woke you," she said, which was the first line of the speech she'd been running over and over through her mind on her way to his room. "But I realized after you left that I still had your jacket. I came to give it back. I would have brought it sooner but I figured I should give you some time to yourself." she cleared her throat, shrugging the jacket off her shoulders and extending it out to him.
He stared at her outstretched hand for a long moment, then took the jacket. "Is that all?"
"No..." she said, her voice wavering. "I...um...well, I wanted to talk to you."
"So, talk." he said stiffly, not meeting her eyes.
Her stomach turned over. So, he was still mad. Obviously. She took a deep breath. "Can I come in?"
"Why?" He looked up at her then, and the coldness in his gaze stunned her.
She blinked, trying to keep herself calm and her voice light. "So we can talk."
"I don't know what there is to talk about," he said, leaning against the doorframe. "You made it pretty clear how you feel."
"I know you're upset with me, Adrian." Sydney spoke softly, keeping her voice like a caress. "So let's talk about it."
"So I should just let you in? Just like that? Just because you're ready to talk about it? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm not?" he scoffed. "Oh, I forgot. You're too busy thinking about everyone else on the face of the planet."
Okay, maybe he was even madder than she'd originally thought. She didn't say anything for awhile, just stared into his eyes, trying to feel him out. Did he really want her to go? Or was he just punishing her?
"I can see you're still quite angry," she forced the words out of her throat, which felt dry and tight. "If you want me to leave, I will. I just came by because I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't at least try to come talk to you. And I still had your jacket." She gave him a weak smile that he made no attempt to return.
Sydney blinked, waiting for him to say something, anything. He just stared at her for a long moment, his expression unreadable. She couldn't take the intensity of his gaze on her like that. She was about to just turn around and leave when he took a few steps backward into the room, opening the door wider.
Sydney took that as her cue to enter. Adrian shut the door behind her with a soft click. They were engulfed in darkness. Sydney reached out to take one of Adrian's hands in hers. She was surprised that he didn't pull it away. "Adrian," she whispered, finding bravery in the darkness she wouldn't have if she could properly see his face. "I don't even know where to start. I know you're mad-"
"I wasn't," Adrian replied, cutting her short. "Well, I mean, I was when I left Lissa's room. But then I took a walk, calmed myself down. And when I thought about it and realized I'm really just mad at this entire situation, and myself, but then when I saw you I just got...mad at you all over again." he rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand. "I'm sorry for being an asshole, but I'm still mad, and the more I think about it the more pissed off I get."
Hearing him say out loud that he was mad at her was nauseating. The words seized her chest in a painful vice-like grip. She tried to nod. "I understand."
"Do you?" Adrian asked. "Do you understand why I'm so upset?"
This felt like a trick question. Sydney didn't quite know how to answer because in that moment she realized she didn't really know why he was so upset. Adrian was a complex person, it could be any number of things. The fight being the most obvious, but Sydney knew that wasn't the only thing wrong here, because there was clearly something else going on.
"I think I do," she said finally. "But maybe it would make you feel better to tell me yourself, get it all out in the open."
He sighed. "It's a lot of things. But mostly, it's the fact that you haven't even thought about me."
That threw her. "Excuse me?"
"This whole time it's been about how hard this is for you," he said. "And I've tried to be as understanding as I possibly can, even though it hurts me. Every single moment I'm with you, it hurts me. But I've been trying. But it was worth it to me, because I thought you were trying too, trying to understand where I'm coming from. But you don't, because you don't even think about me at all."
Sydney let go of his hand. The last thing she wanted to do was fight with him again but she couldn't just stand here and let him throw this kind of accusation at her.
"How can you say that?" she asked, shaking her head in disbelief. "Of course I think about you. I think about you constantly. I know it's hard for you to be around me because of your feelings-"
"And that's another thing!" he interjected, placing his hands on his hips. "You always do that. You pin it all on me, as if I'm the only one who wants this relationship. I can't stand it when you do that, Sydney. Not only is it incredibly frustrating but it hurts me. And I know you don't even realize what you're saying," he pressed on even when she opened her mouth to speak, "But that just kills me even more because it's like I said, you don't think about me. You think about everyone else in the world, but you don't think about me."
"That's not true," Sydney said immediately, her first instinct to deny what he was words crawled under her skin and gnawed away at her insides. He said she hurt him. The tightness in her chest twisted around her heart. She never wanted to do that. He was the last person on Earth she wanted to hurt. Maybe there was some truth to what he was saying, but why couldn't he see things from her perspective? Of course she thought about him and his feelings, she thought about them all the time, but why didn't he understand that she couldn't just drop everything in her life to be with him? Is that what he wanted her to do?
"What do you want from me, Adrian?" she asked. "Do you want me to just turn my back on everything that I know? On my family?"
"No." She could barely make out his features in the dark, but he seemed to be mulling this over in his head. "And yes."
She sighed wearily, rubbing her temples. "I really don't want to fight with you over this. Not now."
"Well then, when?" there was bitterness in Adrian's voice. "Should I call your office and schedule myself an appointment?" His voice took on a strange, disconnected quality and Sydney worried he was going around the spirit bend. She took a step toward him.
"What hours are good for you, Sage? What days of the week?" he continued, the mania rising in his voice. "How many forms of ID should I have with me? Should I-"
"Adrian." Her voice was stern as she closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling his head down to rest on her shoulder.
He made a small sound of surprise in the back of his throat. "What are you doing-"
"Shh," she whispered directly into his ear. She felt him tense up, his body stiff against hers. She threaded her fingers through his hair, stroking softly. "Shh." she whispered again. After a moment his body went slack. She heard the soft thud of his jacket hitting the floor. She felt his arms around her waist, pulling her close. They stayed like that for awhile, Adrian's face pressed into the crook of her neck. She could feel his warm, shaky breath on her skin. She continued running her fingers through his hair in a soothing manner.
"I do think about you," she told him quietly. "Maybe I'm not the best at showing it, and I know I haven't handled this situation the way I should have, but it's just because I don't know how. I've never had anything like this happen to me before. I've never felt this way about anyone before. It's scary."
He didn't say anything. She closed her eyes and squeezed her arms around him tighter.
"I hate that we fought." she whispered, her eyes still shut. "I hate it. Standing here, knowing you're mad at me, it makes me feel...sick." her voice caught but the words just kept pouring out of her, "I can't even think straight. My head's spinning and I feel like I can't breathe. Because you're mad at me. You're mad at me. And it hurts." she had to stop talking after that. The tightness in her chest spread to her throat as it closed up with tears that she didn't dare let spill. She tried to take a deep breath but it came out shallow and jagged.
She felt him shift against her, his face moved up to brush against hers. In spite of everything the sweet intimacy of it sent shivers down her spine. His hands moved from her waist up to cup her face. "Hey," he said. "Look at me."
She shook her head and could feel the skin of his cheek, rough with the hint of stubble, against hers. She wanted to kiss his face, his lips. Kiss him until neither of them had a single rational thought left in their brains.
But she didn't, of course. She stood frozen, eyes closed, refusing to look at him. She was afraid of what would happen if she did. To be so close to him, inches away from those gorgeous, piercing eyes that knew her better than she knew herself. She'd lose herself in them, in him. She wanted to. The things she was willing to do, all at once, rattled her to her core. She could give up everything in an instant, just to have him this close always. She felt like she was hanging on for dear life to the edge of a cliff, and she had no idea what lay at the bottom of it, but strangely wanted to let herself fall.
But she didn't, of course. She managed to step back from him. Only when she was a safe distance away did she open her eyes. He was looking at her intensely, and even in the dark she could see his face was etched in concern.
"Sydney," his voice was so soft compared to how it had been minutes earlier. He took a hesitant step toward her. "Are you okay?"
"No," she answered honestly. "No, I don't think so."
He reached for her hands and she let him. She felt dizzy and light-headed, and his warm hands were a steadying comfort.
"Let's go sit down," he said. He led her away from the door, further into the dark room, until they reached a small love seat against the wall, across from the bed. He gently pushed her onto it and sat down beside her. The smallness of the seat forced them close together, which was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She looked away from him, even as he grabbed for her hands again, holding them in his lap. He gave them a squeeze.
"I almost freaked out for a second there," Sydney tensed at the mention of his near stint into the dark depths of spirit, but the subtle humor his voice almost always held had returned, and Sydney was infinitely grateful for that.
"You stopped me, though." his voice dropped low, containing something like awe. "I've freaked out in front of people, before. It's always awkward, they never know what to do. Most people just sort of stand there, let it happen, let me work my way through it. But you stopped me. No one's ever done that before."
She turned to him, and was surprised to see how surprised the look in his eyes was. She squeezed his hands back. "Well," she said finally, "I'm not most people."
"Yeah," Adrian chuckled. "I know that. I knew that from the moment I met you."
She couldn't help but smile at that. All the anger present in him before seemed to have dissipated. She hoped now they could talk civilly about what had happened. "Adrian, listen-"
"No," he said, "I have something to say."
She swallowed, bracing herself for another barrage of accusations. That was fine. He needed to get everything out. They needed to be honest with each other or they'd never get anywhere with their relationship. "Okay," she said.
"I know I'm asking you for too much," he said, leaning in close to her. "I know it's not fair for me to do that. I know that you have a lot to lose for choosing to be with me. I know all that. But the thing is, I have a lot to lose too. Maybe not as much as you do, and not in the same way, but if you were to say to me right here and now, 'I want you to drop everything and be with me. Just be with me.' I would do it without hesitation."
The words rendered her genuinely speechless for a few moments. Then the realization of what he was saying started to sink in. She found herself blushing. It was a wonderful thing to hear, that someone wanted you more than they wanted anything else. But she didn't know if she could promise the same to him. For a moment there, when they were pressed close, she had certainly considered it. To just throw caution to the wind, let herself love him freely and let the chips fall where they may. The need to be with him had overpowered everything else in her otherwise wholly analytic brain. But now that she was thinking a little more clearly, she knew there was too much on the line for her to do that. "Adrian," she sighed. "I can't-"
"I know what you're going to say," he actually freed one of his hands from hers and put a finger to her lips. "But just listen to me, please. Hear me out for a second." She nodded silently. He dropped his hand and intertwined it with hers again.
"I can't go on forever like this with you," he said, "I know it was my idea. The whole 'let's just have the night' thing. I thought I could handle it. Mainly because I thought once you let yourself feel what you were denying you'd realize that you wanted to be with me properly-I know that was stupid," he added when she opened her mouth to retort. "I was holding you to a promise you didn't actually make. I got angry when I realized that. At myself, not at you. But I took it out on you, and then you said some things...we both did...that were hurtful. And I don't want us to hurt each other. That's not what I want us to be."
"That's not what I want, either." Sydney said emphatically.
"I know," he said, smiling gently at her. "Which is why we need to make a concrete decision. Or well, you do. I think we both already know what mine is."
Sydney didn't like the sound of that. "What do you mean?"
"What I mean is," he bit his lip, almost like he was unsure of himself. "If we're going to be friends, then we need to be friends." He emphasized the word. "As in, not friends who flirt with each other constantly and make-out on occasion. I can't do that, Sydney. It would just confuse the hell out of me."
"I don't want to do that," Sydney said, furrowing her brow. "Friendship, real friendship from you is all I want." That wasn't true, it was not even close to what she wanted from him. But it was all that could ever be. The reality of that cut through her painfully, but she still managed to smile at him.
He smiled back. "Okay. If that's what you want that's what we'll be. But it won't..." he paused, "It won't ever be the same between us, you know that, right? We can't be close the way we used to be. Too much has happened...when we get back to Palm Springs, I'm going to need some time...to myself. To come to terms with everything, you know? And I don't know how long that's going to take. But I don't think I can be around you for awhile."
The hurt in Sydney's heart must have been evident on her face because he quickly added, "It's not because I don't want to be, you know that. But it hurts, Sage. It hurts so freaking much. Having you right in front of me but not being able to really have you. You understand that, don't you?"
She nodded, unable to speak.
He leaned forward, wrapping a hand around her neck and pulling her head forward so he could kiss the top of it. "Whew," he let out a long breath. "That was the depressing option. Now that that's out of the way, do you want to hear the other option?"
Sydney looked up at him curiously. "There's another option?"
"Of course," he said. "There's always another option."
She sighed, shaking her head at him. "I should have known."
"The other option," he said, his voice taking on an almost wistful quality, "is that we aren't friends at all. We're more than friends. And like I said earlier, we could keep it a secret. I mean, not forever, but for now. For as long as you need or I need, I don't know. We'll take it one day at a time, I guess. I don't really know how we'd do it, to be honest. I know this is a really shoddy sales pitch, but I want to be honest with you. I can't promise you that it would be easy. And I can't promise you that no one would ever find out, but what I can promise is that I would make you happy. I know that for sure." he smiled, and Sydney's heart fluttered in her chest. "Because I love you, Sydney Sage. I love you so much. You already know all that. But I feel like I need to keep saying it. I'll never stop saying it. I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe, and if the Alchemists do find out about us, they'd have go through me to get to you. I know I don't look like much," he laughed slightly, "but when someone I love is in danger, trust me, you don't want to mess with me. I know you're worried for your sister, too. And that...sucks." he shook his head. "It sucks because that's out of both of our control. I know it's hard for you to accept that, but you can't sacrifice your own happiness forever just to protect her. They're probably going to throw her into this crazy Alchemy thing regardless, right?"
It was an unsettling truth that Sydney didn't want to think about. Her jaw clenched. "Probably."
"All I'm asking is that you don't use that as an excuse to say no to me." he said, his eyes locked on hers. "And I don't want you to say yes just because you're afraid of losing me. I want you to say yes because you want me just as much as I want you. I've been completely honest with you. All I want is for you to be completely honest with me. And..." he paused, glancing upward in thought. "No, actually, I think that's it." he exhaled deeply. "So, that's the other option."
Sydney blinked a few times, her heart beating rapidly. She found it impossible to look away from Adrian, who'd just cracked open his chest and let his heart pour out right in front of her. He was beautiful, vulnerable, and brave and honest and everything she was afraid to be. She brought her hands up to touch his face. "You're really amazing, you know that?"
"I feel crazy right now," He laughed shakily, trying to smile. "My heart's beating so fast."
"Mine too," Sydney said. She grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her chest so he could feel.
His smiled turned wicked. "I really want to make an inappropriate joke right now, but I probably shouldn't."
"Probably not," Sydney laughed. "But you wouldn't be you if you didn't."
His smile faded after a moment and his voice turned serious. "So...what do you think?"
Sydney took a deep breath. "I think...I need some more time to think." It was the lamest answer in the world, but it was all she had. She looked up at him. "Is that okay?"
He nodded. "Of course. But well..." he made a face, "How much more time?"
"I'm not going to leave you hanging, if that's what you're afraid of." she whispered and his tense posture noticeably loosened. "It's just been such a long night and I'm trying to take all this in at once and I'm just...tired."
He nodded again. "I understand."
"This might be a bad time to bring it up, but, after you left, I stayed behind in the room and talked to Christian for awhile."
Adrian raised an eyebrow. "I thought he was asleep."
"Yeah well, you woke him up with your dramatic exit."
"Ah," Adrian chuckled. "Oops."
"Anyway, he was curious about the way I'd managed to set that Strigoi on fire. Thanks for bringing that up in front of everyone, by the way." she shot him a look.
Adrian winced, then pouted. "Double oops."
Sydney rolled her eyes. "I don't remember how exactly, but he convinced me into showing him, you know..." Sydney dropped her voice to a near whisper. "A spell. And something really weird happened."
Adrian looked surprised. "How did you do a spell? You didn't have any magic-y stuff on you. Did you?"
Sydney shook her head. "That's what was weird. I told him that. But he was adamant, and I thought we were mostly just joking around, so I tried to light this stupid candle just by saying a spell from the book and it well...it worked."
Adrian looked at her, confused. "Wait, was that the weird part?"
"Yes!" Sydney exclaimed, slapping his shoulder indignantly. "I should not have been able to do that kind of spell. I don't think I would have been able to if Christian hadn't been there. I know this is going to sound insane, but I think his presence, we somehow..." she paused, then mimicked the same gesture Christian had made, touching her fingers together.
"Oh," Adrian said, "That is odd, I suppose. But pretty cool." he grinned. "Jackie's gonna flip when you tell her."
Sydney sighed. "I don't even know if I should tell her. I don't know what I should do about any of this, Adrian. I had to act like I was fine with it around Christian because I didn't want to freak him out but it scared me. I scared me. What if Ms. Terwilliger is right? What if I really do have all this untapped...power," she stumbled uncomfortably over the word, "My whole life I've always thought I knew exactly what sort of person I was, but now..." her voice quivered, "I have no idea."
"Hey," Adrian said, bringing his arms around her. "Hey. It's okay."
"It's not, though." Sydney said miserably. "I don't know who I am anymore."
"Oh, Sage." Adrian brought a hand up to stroke her hair. "You're 18 years old. You're not supposed to know who you are."
"I never wanted this," she said, with a fierce shake of her head. "I never even imagined something like this could be a part of my life. It just came at me out of nowhere and I have no clue what I'm supposed to do with it."
Adrian leaned back from her, biting his lip slightly. He squinted his eyes as if he were trying to remember something. "What's that quote?" he asked, suddenly. "I'm sure you know it. It's like...ah, I can't remember. Anyway, I know it ends with something about having greatness thrust upon you. That's what's happening to you now. But it's your choice, Sage. You may be thrust with all this greatness, but it's your decision which path you go down."
Sydney had to fight the urge to laugh. "You know that quote is actually widely misinterpreted," she said with a smile. "Taken out of context, it makes sense as a motivational statement, but the quote itself is from a fake love letter that was meant to be written from the character Olivia to her servant, Malvolio, from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. It wasn't actually written by Olivia, though. It was just part of a prank that was being played on him by other characters. Which is why the line some have greatness thrust upon them is actually more of a sexual innuendo than anything else. If Malvolio chooses to become Olivia's lover, then he will quite literally have her 'greatness' thrust upon him." Sydney couldn't contain her laughter, then. And Adrian laughed along with her.
"What the hell?" he asked, shaking his head. "I've gotta start reading more Shakespeare."
"Well, I stand by what I said, though." he said once they'd managed to stop giggling. "Minus the weird thrusting thing. If anyone's going to thrust you with their greatness, it's going to be me." he flashed her a terrible smile and she gave him a hard look.
"Listen," he said, seriously. "I know Jackie's got you all freaked out with her mysterious talk of impending doom or whatever, but you make your own choices, no matter what. And I'll always support you one hundred percent, whatever those choices may be."
Her heart swelled in her chest. She never wanted to kiss anyone more than she wanted to kiss Adrian right then. But she couldn't. And it killed her. She needed to sort through all her emotions and kissing would just confuse everything. She looked at him meaningfully.
"I should probably go back to my room now," she said. "I'm exhausted. And I need to think."
He brought his hands to rest on her shoulders. "You can sleep here."
She blushed at the unexpected suggestion. The traitorous thought of Adrian's body pressed right up against hers in a warm bed, their legs intertwined-No. She broke free from that train of thought before it could go any further. "I don't think so," she said.
His hands moved to encircle her neck as he traced the outline of it with his fingertips. "I swear I won't even touch you. Not if you don't want me to. I'll sleep on the floor if you want." he smirked. "I just want you close."
"It's a tempting offer," she whispered. "But I won't be able to think properly if I'm around you. And I have...a monumental amount of thinking to do."
He looked disappointed for a moment, then nodded. "You're right. But before you go, I'm sorry..." he leaned in close, "I just have to...it might be the last time and I just...have to..." he finished his broken thought by pressing his lips against hers. She made a small noise of disapproval in the back of her throat but almost immediately melted into the kiss afterward. It was a different kind of kiss. It wasn't romantic and passionate, nor was it fierce and lust-driven. It was just a long, soft kiss. It was a kiss that said, I love you so much I just need to have your mouth on mine for awhile. Simple as it was, it changed something inside of her, like a big, complicated puzzle sliding and locking into place.
After they broke apart, he stood up, taking her hands and pulling her up with him. He walked her to the door silently.
He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Goodnight, Sage."
"Goodnight," she whispered. "I'll uh, I'll come by in the morning before we leave and..." she swallowed. "We'll talk."
"Looking forward to it," he said, opening the door for her. She paused awkwardly at the doorway.
What else was there to say? She didn't want to leave him, suddenly. It was all happening too fast and she felt incredibly anxious.
"You want me to walk you to your room?" he asked softly, as if reading her thoughts.
Yes. No. She shook her head. She needed to be away from him. She couldn't think straight like this. "Thank you," she said. "But I think I can manage without you."
He gave her a slow nod and she stepped completely out of the room as Adrian shut the door. As she walked back to her room she felt like a confused ghost wandering the halls. What was she doing? What did she want? Was she willing to take such a big risk when the outcome was so unpredictable? That wasn't the kind of thing she prided herself on doing. And there was so very much at stake, for the both of them. But her mind drifted back to her parting words to Adrian. Could she manage without him? She wasn't sure of that at all.