Chapter 12

The sun had already set when they found a small cave to sleep in. After the group had eaten, they sat around the small fire, talking.

Rachel had lost track of their conversation when Cara grumbled about Zedd being naïve. Zedd huffed and responded – barely hiding his pride - that he had been the only one who made it into the treasure room of Queen Milena and that the others owed their lives to his ingenuity. Richard chuckled and even Kahlan smiled a little.

Rachel remembered Kahlan telling her about Zedd stealing the Third Box of Orden from the Queen on the first day she had travelled with them and became curious: 'How did you get into the castle anyway? It must have been difficult…'

Zedd smiled at her: 'See, here is at least one of you who worships my intelligence and cunningness.'

With that, he went into a very lengthy account of how he got into the castle by pretending to be a puppeteer, dramatising every situation and stretching his story until Cara declared in an annoyed tone she would take the first watch, positioning herself at the entrance of the cave, and Rachel had to yawn.

Richard smiled at her, his eyes saying: 'I warned you.'

Although she knew it wasn't meant in any other way than mocking Rachel, the smile Richard gave her threatened to bring up the emotions Kahlan had tried so hard to keep hidden for the last days. It made her stomach turn with sadness and longing. She suddenly felt very exhausted, so she got up and declared she was tired.

Richard's gaze followed her as she unpacked her bedroll and laid down, turning her back towards them. He sighed. He had thought she had come out of her shell before when she smiled about Zedd, but as soon as she saw Rachel looking at him, she had retreated again. Richard was sorry for her and found himself suddenly wishing none of this had happened. But when he looked into Rachel's eyes, he felt the need to stay with her, show her a new life… Zedd had been so right: Nothing was ever easy.

Rachel, feeling uncomfortable, began putting some of the herbs Leanne had given her into a cup and filled it with the hot water from the small kettle that was still hanging over the fire, just to have something to do.

She let the liquid cool down a little before taking a small sip. Rachel tried to smile at Richard reassuringly, but failed miserably. Zedd, for once not completely oblivious to the look Richard gave him, got up, muttering about being tired and that they should just wake him for his watch.

As soon as the Wizard was out of earshot, Richard turned to Rachel, and asked in a soft voice: 'What's wrong?'

Rachel's lips curled into a small smile: 'I can't hide anything from you for long, can I?'

'I'm afraid no.' Richard grinned a little in response, but his gaze soon became stern again. Rachel could see the worry for her reflected in his warm eyes; it was the way he looked at her too often. She was grateful for his caring, but sometimes she felt she was only a burden.

As if reading her thoughts, Richard laid his finger under her chin and gently brought her to look into his eyes before continuing: 'Just tell me. I want to help you. I know I can, and I will, but you have to tell me first, all right?'

Rachel leaned into his touch, closing her eyes for a moment before answering: 'I just… I feel like I'm a burden to you.'
'Rachel, you would never be a burden. You are a good fighter, and we need every help we can get…' Richard began, but was interrupted by her: 'I know what you want to say, but I meant this in more than one way. Not only have I slowed you down and burdened you with my problems, I also stand between you and Kahlan…'

Rachel swallowed and became silent, waiting for his reaction.

When he took his hand from under her chin, for a small moment, Rachel feared he was angry at her; maybe he would realize that what she said was true, and think she wanted to pull him and Kahlan apart. But when she met his gaze she remembered who she was talking to: there was nothing but understanding and sadness in his warm brown eyes.

'It's not your fault. And I want you to know I am grateful to have you at our side… at my side.' He answered softly, and Rachel felt a weight lift off her shoulders she hadn't realized had been there as he took her hand in his, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. 'Thank you.' she said, but he only smiled a little in response.

His gaze wandered from their intertwined fingers to Rachel's other hand, which was holding the cup and he looked at her questioningly. Rachel recognised his look: 'Leanne gave me those herbs. She was so nice to me.' A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips when she mentioned the innkeeper's wife, but it vanished when she continued: 'She said the herbs would keep the nightmares away.'

Richard nodded understandingly: 'I hope they do.'

'So do I.' Rachel said, leaning against him and resting her head on his shoulder as they fell into silence.

When Rachel had finished the tea she got up and began unpacking her bedroll.

Shortly afterwards, Richard laid down, and soon he felt exhaustion taking over. Just before his mind drifted off to sleep, he whispered to the darkness of the cave: 'If anyone is to blame, it's me.'

XXX

She knew where she was and what was coming as soon as the scene in front of her had become clear. Richard was standing there, looking at her. Rachel tried to tell herself it was a dream, and willed her body to wake, but to no effect. Desperate, not wanting to see what she feared most again, she tried to turn away from the scene, but as she did, the voice of a woman, deep and threatening, echoed in her ears: 'No!' She felt a strange force keeping her in place, forcing her to watch his death for what seemed like the millionth time. She struggled, but it only exhausted her until tears ran down her cheeks at the sight of him lying on the ground, dead…

A few hours after midnight, Rachel woke again with a start, tears in her eyes. Her heart was still beating rapidly. She sat up for a while, trying to understand what had just happened. Judging from her dishevelled sheets, the sweat on her brow and her quickened breathing Rachel knew she had struggled not only in her dream. She felt exhausted, but her mind wouldn't rest. Looking around she found Zedd sitting at the entrance of the cave, keeping watch. She got up, and took her blanket with her before she made her way over to the old wizard.

Hearing footsteps behind him, Zedd turned around as Rachel approached, smiling at her: 'I was just about to wake you up, dear.' He frowned when he got a closer look at Rachel. 'Nightmares again?' Rachel nodded, but before Zedd could say anything, she said: 'Don't worry. I just want some time to think, so I thought I might take your watch. Seeing as you would have woken me soon anyway…'

Zedd didn't look convinced, and it seemed he wanted to object, but the look Rachel gave him made clear she didn't want to talk about it.

'Very well…' He sighed in defeat as he began making his way towards his bedroll. Sometimes, Rachel reminded him a lot of Cara in her stubbornness – and of Kahlan. Just before he reached his bedroll, he said over his shoulder: 'If you need anything, you know you just have to ask. You are not alone in this, dear one.'

'Thank you, Zedd.' Rachel answered, her tone telling him how grateful she was, although she wanted to be alone at the moment.

As Rachel sat down at the entrance of the cave, her blanket wrapped around her, she was glad to be on watch. She thought about the strange force that had held her captive in her own nightmare for a long time; even after she had woken Kahlan to take over watch, and settled in her bedroll once again, Rachel found her thoughts still circling around it, not allowing her to sleep. Only in the early morning hours her eyes fluttered close for a while before Richard woke her.

XXX

They had walked the whole day, not stopping for lunch. Sunset was still a few hours away, but Zedd was constantly complaining about his growling stomach; seeing they had made good progress, Richard finally relented and the group settled earlier than usual. Kahlan soon left, wanting to search for a nearby river to bathe in.

Not much later, Cara and Richard, too, went off in hopes of a successful hunt.

XXX

Kahlan, her towel in hand, was just about to make her way down the small hill she had climbed, stretching out her arm to push away the brambles that covered her view when she heard raised voices from the foot of the hill.

'Cara, I told you I don't want to talk about it anymore!' Richard's voice sounded resolute, and Kahlan could make out his struggle to remain calm.

Although she didn't want to eavesdrop, her curiosity got the better of her.

In the short silence that followed Richard's voice, Kahlan quietly knelt down, hiding behind the brambles while - at the same time – pushing a few twigs away to get a glance at Richard and Cara standing a short distance away.

She heard Cara huff before breaking the silence, her voice dripping with sarcasm: 'So, you will just go on like nothing happened and she can wait until you see fit to tell her – how did you call it? – where your heart truly lies? And until then – should you decide to stay by her side – you will let the Mother Confessor destroy herself in her fear and doubt? Do you even care about her anymore?'

Kahlan saw Richard shake his head, defeated and annoyed at the same time. He didn't answer… She felt her heart clench painfully in her chest. If Richard didn't even try to dismiss Cara's arguments… the Mord'Sith must have found the truth. The thoughts she had caused her to bite down on her hand to prevent any noise coming out of her throat as she began to sob. She should have known it… She should have known it the moment he had admitted he had feelings for another.

As tears pooled in her eyes, she tried to force herself to think clearly, but she couldn't. She just couldn't see any reason at that moment, not after the last days; not after having him come back to her only to be taken away by another.

Kahlan got up quickly, but silently, and stumbled down the hill she had just climbed.

All she wanted was to get away, to be alone; so she searched for the river she had seen earlier.

When she found it, she undressed quickly and waded out into the water. It was quite cold, but she didn't feel it. Almost mechanically, Kahlan washed her hair before getting out and wrapping herself in the towel she had brought along; all the while tears were rolling down her face.

She sat there, cowered on a small boulder at the river, for a long time, trying to come to terms with the fact the only man she had ever allowed to claim her heart didn't love her anymore, shaken by occasional sobs that she couldn't hold back.

Time became unimportant to her as she sat there, wearing only her undergarments and covered in her clammy towel, her legs pulled up, not realizing how her body temperature was dropping slowly, but steadily, until she lost consciousness, her head dropping between her knees.

XXX

Richard shook his head, feeling both defeated and annoyed. He was tired of hearing Cara's reproaches. He was frustrated himself for not having been able to find a solution to the dilemma they were in… for not being able to define his feelings. Richard felt his heart clench every time he looked at Kahlan, noticing how she always put on an emotionless mask; only a few times he had seen her true feelings reflected in her actions over the past few days, and these moments made him feel even more frustrated.

'And why do you suddenly care so much about Kahlan?' he spat at Cara in his frustration. He knew he was being unfair, and he also knew the answer the Mord'Sith would give him would leave him defeated, but at the moment he just couldn't hold it in anymore.

Cara's reaction was just as he had expected: 'You ordered me to protect her as if she were you. And that includes protecting her from you, too, if necessary. But maybe I should leave it, seeing you don't seem to care about her anymore like you did when you gave me the order.'

Richard closed his eyes for a moment; Cara's reprimand hadn't lost its effect just because he had expected it.

'I'm sorry, Cara. I didn't mean to snap at you. You know I love Kahlan, but I just…'

He opened his eyes to see something that almost looked like pity in Cara's gaze.

Her voice had softened a little when she answered: 'I know, you love both of them; just not in the same way and you just can't figure it out; didn't you say that?'

Richard nodded gratefully, relieved Cara finally seemed to understand.

'I don't think we'll have any luck trying to hunt something today. We should head back to camp.'

Cara agreed, and they made their way back through the forest.

A/N;

Hey guys,

I thought I could leave you with a bit of a cliffhanger for a change, seeing we are getting closer to the finale now.

Hope you liked it,

Alex