Epilogue
When the fire had burned low, they turned away and made their way down the hill in silence.
Once they were at the foot of the hill, Richard took out the compass and they followed it away from the village. He didn't know how, but he managed to lead them on for hours, although all he wanted was to lie down and cry. After the shock of Rachel's death had started to subside a little, he had begun to feel responsible for it; she had died saving him. It was something he had wished he would never have to experience. Since the day Zedd and Kahlan told him they would die for him, it had been one of his biggest fears to loose someone he cared for in this way.
His thoughts were stumbling between the guilt he felt about Rachel's death and the guilt he felt for putting Kahlan in such misery. How could he ever forgive himself what had happened?
Only when the sun began to set Richard spoke aloud, his voice raspy from both physical and mental exhaustion and the lack of use: 'We can't go much further. We should make camp over there.' He gestured towards a clearing a few paces ahead of them. Cara and Zedd went over to start a fire and unpack their bedrolls while Kahlan left saying she would gather some firewood. Richard watched her disappear into the forest and decided to follow her. He just had to tell her how sorry he was; even if he felt it wasn't enough he wouldn't leave her out of his sight again - assumed she would give him the chance to help her.
'I'm going to hunt', he said. Zedd realized what he was up to and gave him a short nod.
XXX
Richard didn't have trouble following Kahlan's tracks. After a few minutes he found her, sitting on a rock. She hadn't gathered any firewood but was silently staring ahead. When she heard him approaching she quickly turned her head. Realizing it was Richard, Kahlan turned away from him again without a word.
'Can I talk to you?' he asked, standing a few feet away from her. Kahlan nodded slightly, so Richard went over to sit next to her on the rock.
They sat in silence for a while until eventually Kahlan spoke: 'I am sorry, Richard. I can imagine how hard this was for you.' Her trembling voice showed how hard it was for her to say these words to the only man she ever loved.
However, Richard also knew Kahlan meant what she said. He felt so grateful and desperately wanted to tell her that he knew how hard it had been for her, that he was sorry…but also that Rachel had been right when she said his love for Kahlan was and would always be stronger.
'Kahlan…' he began, but hesitated when he saw the tears in her eyes. Determined, Richard swallowed the lump in his throat: 'You know I loved her like a sister…'
She turned her head to look directly into his eyes and he saw the pain, the fear of losing him. He continued: 'Do you know what the last thing she said to me was?' Kahlan shook her head and for a moment feared what she would hear, but then she saw the look in his eyes and knew he could never say anything that would hurt her.
'She said as much as she… as we cared for each other, your love for me was stronger, and that I knew my love for you was stronger, too. And she was right.'
'Richard…' Kahlan took in a sharp breath, but he went on: 'Please, Kahlan, let me finish. Rachel was right, and I wanted you to know I am so sorry for not realizing it earlier. I can only imagine what you went through and I understand if you want to leave… ' he trailed off, and looked into her blue eyes, waiting for some sign, hoping beyond hope that Kahlan would stay with him.
Kahlan didn't respond as her heart clenched: She felt torn between her love and the anger that suddenly came to the surface… She loved Richard with all her heart, but she just couldn't go on as if nothing had happened, as if Rachel had never existed and there had never been a time when she thought she had lost his love.
Kahlan, for the first time since they had met, wasn't sure what to say. A part of her wanted to yell at him, tell him she couldn't forgive him for what she had went through the last days.
The other part in her wanted nothing more to fall into his embrace and tell him that she knew he was honest and that his heart had and would always belong to her, that there was no one he loved more and that she forgave him. She tried to sound calm when she finally spoke: 'I won't leave you, I never could. But you can't expect me to go back as if nothing had happened.'
'I understand.' Richard swallowed, but nodded slowly and got up, a lost look in his eyes. She could see it: He was frightened that she would never love him again like she had before all of this had happened, because he had no doubts about his love for her. And she just couldn't find words to comfort him; not yet, not after everything that had happened. So Kahlan stayed while watching him walk away.
XXX
It was already dark when she finally made her way back to the camp. Richard had taken first watch, sitting on a log and staring into the forest. When he heard her approaching, he gave her a slight nod before turning away again. As hard as it was for him to keep some distance, he didn't want to push her into talking or a decision.
Kahlan let out a small sigh when she lied down and, shivering slightly, pulled the blankets up to her chin. Despite her exhaustion, she couldn't find any sleep. She turned around restlessly, and after a while found herself lying on her side, watching Richard who still had his back turned on her. Feeling her stare, he turned around and got up. Richard walked over to Kahlan and knelt down beside her, a look of understanding and empathy in his eyes.
'Can't sleep?'
Kahlan shook her head, and he gently stroked her cheek. She didn't know why, but his touch and the look in his eyes was enough to break her mask, suddenly bringing all the pain she had felt to the surface, and soon tears were running down her cheeks. Richard pulled her into an embrace, trying to comfort her.
'I was afraid I would loose you.' was all she managed to say between sobs. Richard held her more tightly and fought against the tears in his own eyes as he whispered: 'I am sorry, Kahlan. So sorry for putting you through all of this, for not facing these problems sooner. You will never loose me.'
She looked up at him, and he gently wiped her tears away. Kahlan would have believed him even without looking into his eyes. She buried her face in his chest and answered: 'You know, even though it was terrible, I am grateful it happened. Rachel… she deserved a better life, but, despite what happened to her, I think she was really happy here with us… with you.' Kahlan felt more tears run down her cheeks when she continued: 'And she made me a gift I can never repay. By saving your life, she gave me you. I… don't know what I would do without you…I… I love you.'
Richard smiled despite the tears in his eyes. They sat in silence for a few moments, until Kahlan pulled out of his embrace a little to look into his eyes, her voice almost pleading: 'Richard, we… we should never forget her. We will remember her.'
He nodded, his voice thick with emotions, as he drew Kahlan closer again: 'Always.'
The End
A/N:
Hey guys,
so, this was the last chapter. I want to thank you all for staying with this story, for liking it, or for giving it another chance... whatever it was :)
Thank you to my reviewers - especially STforRK who reviewed almost every chapter; extra 'thank you' for you ;) - you have helped me a lot to improve the story.
Last but not least, thank you to my two best friends who took the time to read this story - and all the 'new' versions after countless (and I really mean countless) revisions - (I hope you will read this some time ;)) I started writing this more than five months ago and without you, I would never have believed in myself enough to publish this - hugging you both for your help :)
See you for the next story (hopefully ;))
Alex