Chapter 8
Denial
When Quinn and Rachel got into the office that morning Santana was sporting a Cheshire cat grin on her face. It was like she had heard the funniest joke and was still smiling about it … or the proverbial cat that ate the canary look. Either way it set Quinn on edge. Santana only ever looked that way when she knew something that would make her flip around, throw it off kilter. Quinn didn't like what that look meant for her one bit. It was something she had never quite liked when it came to the end result of seeing Santana with that expression on her face. It always ended in Quinn losing something … usually her dignity in many cases. She was very right in this case because as soon as Quinn was within speaking distance of Santana, Santana motioned her over to her.
Quinn approached with a cautious air around her that was only noticeable to those who knew her well. "What is it Santana?" She regretted asking almost as soon as the words came out of her mouth simply because of the way Santana's expression of delight grew.
"Did you guys fuck yet?" Quinn inhaled quickly and immediately started spluttering, incapable of speaking properly in that moment.
"Wai— wha— San— I … what?" Santana's laughter was slightly maniacal in response to Quinn's flustered state.
"Relax Q, I'm just playing. I just knew your reaction would be funny. You know me," there was a twinkling in her eyes that Quinn did not like the looks of. "I'm a practical jokester."
Quinn didn't find her 'joke' funny in the least and told her as much. "Look I know that you're okay with getting girls who are on the rebound but I'm not and … I wouldn't do that to Rachel. She's my partner for one so she's off limits and I have more dignity than to try and hook up with a girl after she's had her heartbroken they way she has." There was a gentle softness and tenderness to her voice and Santana picked up on it immediately.
Santana was smirking as she spoke, unperturbed by Quinn's slightly insulting jab at her. "It's called striking while the iron's hot Q. You know me. I strategize and the best moment to get laid is by finding someone vulnerable from a break up. Besides it's never awkward because it was a one night stand that stopped at just that. Besides the chances of actually meeting a one night stand again in real life are like slim to none from my experience and you know I'm experienced." There was something about Santana's tone that suggested that there was more to what she was saying but she wasn't letting on what it was. The Latina was planning something and Quinn could sense it from her demeanor. Just exactly what it was though the blonde had no clue but she knew whatever it was it had something to do with both Rachel and her. She knew not to be worried about whether it was legal or not. Those days were over for Santana … but in regards to how morally correct it would be … that was a completely different story for sure. Quinn knew there was nothing she could truly do to find out because the Latina was very crafty and knew how to work in secret a little too well. She would just have to wait and see what the Latina had in store and pray that it was something that would not end up causing her to die from humiliation or something just as bad.
When they finally caught the woman behind all of the recent murders she truly was not in her right mind. She was obviously mentally ill and needed professional help. She had been talking to people that no one else could see. She was also a rather tall woman, 5' 11", and so it was no wonder Sam and Puck had mistaken her for a man. She had a deep voice for a woman and she was put into a mental hospital from trial because there was no way to convict a woman for her crimes if she wasn't in a coherent, clear state of mind. It had taken a while to find her because she had hidden her ailment well somehow at first but the longer she was around others the more apparent it became that she wasn't in her right mind. She also because she had a good hiding place hidden away from other people while being somewhere that was in fact a neighborhood.
Quinn had mixed feelings about the trial and the case. One the one hand she was grateful that the right person had been caught but on the other hand … she knew that this woman would be plagued by the sins of what she had done. She would come back to reality after taking medication and she would realize with horror what she had done and it would be heartbreaking tale. This woman's life was never going to be the same ever again and her brother had cried for her dearly at the trials. He wished that he had been able to protect her from everything that had occurred but he couldn't have known what to do. His only family was going to jail now and he could do no more than pray for her to be safe always and for her to forgive herself after she woke up from her disease.
Quinn didn't know what she would do if she was in this woman's shoes. She only knew that she pitied her greatly for unknowingly committing so many crimes like she had only to have people wake her up from it with medication. Quinn would be devastated by such a fact and she knew that she would never be able to forgive herself if it were her who woke up from a fog to discover … to remember such horrid things. What would she do if she were this poor woman? She would most likely try to end her life in all honesty if it had been her. She hoped this woman would be okay and that she would realize that none of it had truly been her fault since she wasn't in her right mind when all of the murders occurred.
She was brought out of her reverie by a warm hand gently touching her shoulder. She looked up, startled, and saw that it was Rachel looking down at her in concern. "Are you okay?" She looked around at her surroundings to see that she had been in her office and she had apparently spaced out. She shook her head slightly and felt a shiver run through her at the sensation of mentally shaking herself out of her thoughts.
"Yeah I'm … I-I'm okay, just … just lost in thought." She was normally much more graceful and articulate with her words but the feeling of Rachel's warm hand resting on her shoulder had her flustered.
Rachel raised her eyebrows in a way that spoke to Quinn. That look said 'are you sure that's all it is?' while all she did was look at Quinn. Finally Rachel broke the silence that had passed between them. "Is that all that's bothering you, Quinn?" Quinn opened her mouth to say something but the words just didn't come and so she ended up closing her mouth after a moment of being unable to speak.
Quinn didn't know quite how to describe what she was feeling at the moment but for Rachel she would try. "It's just that … the case … it doesn't sit well with me." Quinn paused trying to think of a way to say what it was she had been thinking. "I feel as if … well, if I was that woman … I would have wanted to get the death penalty because … I wouldn't want to live through all of the memories of those crimes I committed while I was … not in the right state of mind." Rachel looked down at Quinn incredulously.
"Quinn!" Rachel didn't know what to think after hearing such a bold statement said with such profound seriousness. It scared Rachel a little to hear that kind of thing coming out of Quinn's mouth. The thought that Quinn would rather die than live if she were in that woman's shoes made Rachel feel ill and at unease. "You can't … you just can't say something like that!" Rachel was very upset.
Quinn was quick to jump in and interrupt the speech that was very obviously going to come out of her mouth any moment now. "Rachel, wait! Please let me explain what I mean by that before you say something in return." Rachel took a deep breath and nodded her head for Quinn to continue. "What it is … it's just that … I wouldn't want to live with having the memories of those sins I committed. It would … it would just kill me little by little, piece by piece, to have to remember all of those terrible, horrible things I had done. I wouldn't want to live with those nightmares, those sins plaguing me and weighing me down with the weight of each murder. Can you … can you just imagine what it would be like having to relive those memories in nightmares? It would be a constant ache that I would have to remember day after day even if I didn't want to, even if I wish to forget it all." Quinn paused to let Rachel really take in everything she said, the emotions in her voice and everything else. "Would you want to live with those sins? Would you want to live with those kinds of thoughts and memories haunting you every waking moment and even in sleep?"
Rachel always knew there was something more to this pretty face she was getting to know so well. It had been over three weeks now since they first met and Rachel had known that first moment their eyes met that there was just something so … different about Quinn. She hadn't even known her name 23 days ago but now she knew so many things about her. She knew that as strong of a front Quinn put on she was very sensitive, however well hidden she kept this part of her, and she was insanely intelligent. She was very generous and kind behind her aloof appearance and so very shy and timid despite how fierce she seemed in front of others. Rachel had never felt so strongly about someone before in her life. She cared so deeply for Quinn despite all of the imperfections that Quinn had shown her when they first met. All of Quinn's imperfections just made her all the more perfect when she revealed the pieces of her she kept hidden away from others. Rachel knew she loved Quinn already, that Quinn was someone she considered a dear, cherished friend.
"Okay." Rachel took a deep breath and spoke her side. "As much pain as you might be in, would you be okay with me wishing for death row despite everything … if it had been me?" Quinn's eyes widened in surprise and a shiver ran up her body at the thought. "It may be a punishment to live with the sins and memories weighing me down but if you continue to live you can atone for what you've done. If you live you can give yourself a second chance. We, as humans, make mistakes. We grow though and we learn from them. This woman … as much as she may despise what she has done, abhor it even, she has a brother that she can still live for. She can also make up for what she did by never allowing herself to slip up with her medication ever again and doing whatever she can to make up for what she has done, to find redemption." Quinn had never thought of it that way. She had never even considered that to be an option … living with the sins and guilt but trying to find redemption by living.
Quinn was stunned by what Rachel had said and so she was slightly inarticulate with her next words. "I … I never really … I hadn't thought of that as being … you know … a viable option. I never even … considered that." She said sheepishly. Her cheeks were a soft shade of pink from her feelings of embarrassment over having not thought of something so simple and obvious. "I just … my family taught me a certain way of thinking that I'm still stuck on sometimes even though I try not to. It's still hard for me because … I grew up thinking a certain way and now it's like second nature for me to just fall into one way of thinking even if it isn't necessarily the right answer." Quinn looked at the floor sheepishly for a moment. "I'm trying but sometimes … it's like I can never escape their influence on me and even though it hurts to admit that … it hurts even more to think that I haven't done enough to separate them from my life now."
Rachel wasn't sure what to make of Quinn's statements. She wanted to stop thinking the way her family taught her to think. She knew, to a very limited extent, that Quinn's family didn't have the best relationship with her and something had occurred under their roof that caused her such severe trauma that she certifiably had PTSD. There was no doubt in Rachel's mind that Quinn was suffering from that disorder because of how Quinn had reacted that night little more than a week ago. Rachel wondered what event had caused the blonde so much pain that she was still suffering from it even now. Quinn needed serious help and the department's psychologist was a very kind woman by the name of Emma Pillsbury. She really knew psychology and she could help Quinn but … Rachel didn't quite know how to broach the subject with Quinn.
"Quinn … it's okay. I … from the very limited knowledge I have of your family … I can already say that they weren't good to you. They didn't do what all parents are supposed to do and they hurt you terribly with their way of raising you. I don't know to what extent they may have abused you but from what I have seen they treated you horribly and may have even abused you if last week's incident is good indication." Rachel paused here, unable to continue. She wanted to ask Quinn to see Emma desperately but she wasn't sure if the blonde would be okay with her asking about it. They had never discussed Quinn seeking help before and so it was all new territory for them.
"I … I don't want to talk about this anymore Rachel … please." Quinn was looking at Rachel with desperation and anxiety in her eyes.
Rachel nodded her head in acquiesce. "Okay. I understand Quinn … but please promise me something?"
Quinn looked hesitant but she nodded her head all the same, "what is it I'm promising?"
A deeply inhaled breath was heard before Rachel spoke, "promise me that you'll find help in some shape or form. Promise me that you'll find someone who can help you heal all of your emotional scars because I want you to be okay after whatever it is that has happened to you. I want you to be able to say that you are okay and mean it and eventually happy and content with your life, Quinn." Quinn looked so small and young in that moment. There was weariness in her that Rachel hadn't noticed until just now. It was all so very sad and heartrending for Rachel to see in someone she cared about so much.
Rachel placed her hand over Quinn's soft and cold hand to encourage her. "I … I," Quinn was floundering, struggling, and searching for the words, that wouldn't come to her easily. She wanted to say no … she wanted to scream and shout about how she didn't need help … but a part of her knew that it was her family roots and that it wasn't right for her to do so. A part of her knew that Rachel was only concerned and wanted to help her and only that. She didn't have any ulterior motives for what she was asking and she definitely didn't have a hidden vendetta. So before she could talk herself out of it she made a promise she knew she had to keep, "okay." And that was all she needed to say. The smile that lit up Rachel's face was worth all of the struggling Quinn went through to say that single word. She knew she really liked Rachel and she couldn't help it when her heart beat just a little bit faster. Her breath caught in her throat when Rachel squeezed her hand and brought her hand up to her lips.
"Thank you." Quinn knew she was lost to her feelings when a whimper fought to be heard. Quinn was caught and she knew it.
"Speak."
Quinn had called Santana the night before and invited her out for Coffee and Santana knew without a doubt in her mind that Quinn wanted to talk about the tiny diva that got on her nerves. Santana didn't even need Quinn to say anything for her to figure out why it was she wanted to talk to her. Their code word for 'talk' was 'coffee' after all. Even Kurt had figured it out at some point and he wasn't even part of their inner circle of three.
Quinn swallowed passed the lump in her throat as she spoke hesitantly. "How do I … well … I want to ask Rachel to sleep in my guest room instead of with me." And that threw the Latina for a loop. She had thought that Quinn was going to tell her that she liked Rachel. She had been expecting that bomb to drop instead of this nuclear attack. Her mind just blew up because she had no idea that this was what Quinn was going to ask about.
Quinn noticed the way it shocked the Latina momentarily before she masked her expression and she wondered why it was Santana had done that. She knew that meant that the Latina hadn't been suspecting it but it was so because she had been expecting something else. "Why?" she asked coolly, keeping herself calm and unflustered as she asked. That made Quinn's eyebrow rise in her infamous Fabray eyebrow raise. Everyone at the office knew about it and joked about how it meant that Quinn was about to give someone a firm butt (ass for certain people) kicking.
Quinn only reflected her extreme discomfort in her steely gaze. The colder she looked the more uncomfortable she was in most cases. Santana knew this well and her eyebrow rose in intrigue. "I just … I'm used to sleeping by myself so I … I'm uncomfortable with sleeping in the same bed as Rachel," because we cuddle and she wears practically nothing to sleep. The underlying and unspoken words were thoughts in Quinn's mind because she couldn't bring herself to tell Santana the whole truth behind it.
"You're lying to me." Santana said and when Quinn was about to say otherwise Santana cut her off, "half truths are half lies and you know it. So spit. What's the real reason Fabray?" Santana's tone had some mirth in it so Quinn didn't feel nearly as guilty for not telling her the true reason in its entirety to the Latina. "You know that you can never lie to me so spill." Santana was being demanding but it was only so she could get the answers she wanted from Quinn and so Quinn took no offense.
"Look … I'm a whole heck of a lot confused about my feelings right now so please just … don't push me for answers right now. I can't really say anything because I'm not in any position to talk about my feelings right now." There was a pause … "she asked me to find professional help for … what my father did. She doesn't know what he did but she … she wants to help me and she wants me to find help to get over what he did." There was silence between them when Quinn made a move to get up. Santana caught her by her arm though. She shook her head. "I just don't know what to do okay? I don't like all of these feelings that she makes me feel so … that's what it's going to have to be like. I can't have her around me when I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time anymore."
Santana's expression softened over the blonde's outburst. "Don't push yourself Quinn." Santana's grip slackened before she let go entirely only to take a hold of her hand instead. "You do know what it is you're feeling … you just don't want to risk getting hurt because she had a boyfriend she was obviously in love with. They dated for what … five years maybe six. You know that you like her but you don't want her figuring it out do you?" Santana was going for the kill. She knew she needed to say what had to be said for Quinn because it was the only way to get her to admit what she didn't want to say openly. Quinn hesitated before she gave an almost imperceptible nod. It was barely an inclination of her head but it was an admission nonetheless.
"Yes," she whispered so softly Santana barely heard her, but the admission was enough to move Santana into giving Quinn the advice she wanted but not without ample warning to her.
Santana looked right into Quinn's panicked eyes, "listen to what your heart is telling you. Don't fight yourself over this, Q. I know that the mind is a scary place because you know I've been there with Brittany … with all of the shit that went down in high school and my gay panic. You know about all of that and how much it hurt both of us … Brittany more than me. We got over everything because our love was more than worth everything that happened … but imagine what it would have been like if things didn't happen that way. I think we both would have been broken permanently if we didn't come together and talk about what was happening then." Santana let her words sink in for a moment. "I know it sounds cheesy, cliché, and so typical of someone in love but … the best thing is to not question what you're feeling over what you think. I know it's so hard because it's like a war going on inside of you, a battle of wills, but you're going to break your own damn heart if you let your mind psyche you out and make the decisions for you. I know you're not afraid of what you're feeling for her because you've known for years that you like girls and you even dated one for a while. What's getting to you though is the fact that she's your partner and you've barely known her for that long." Quinn looked away from Santana's gaze for a moment before her eyes came flitting back in an answer louder than any words she could have spoken. "She's hot and she's everything you've ever dreamed of in another person. She's your list without trying hard to be it for you and that scares you. She's shown you something that you've never found in anyone else: an intelligence that matches your own."
Quinn gave Santana a look that spoke volumes of her unrest and uneasy feelings. "I'd ask you how you know all of this but I already know the answer to that and it would be cliché of me to make you say it. We've known each other since we were in diapers together." Quinn muttered her next words as a spoken thought, "I still don't know how our mothers were such good friends considering they are complete opposites in every way."
Santana had to agree with those sentiments because she still didn't know how her mother could be friends with Judy Fabray of all people. Judy Fabray wasn't anything like her husband but she still married a hypocrite of a man who did nothing but preach about the way everyone should be while not following it himself. Santana also knew that Quinn was alive now because of her mother. She had overheard part of a conversation between her mother and Judy when it happened. At first she hadn't understood what was going on since she only heard her mother's side of the conversation. She had heard her mother cursing some man in Spanish and yelling about how some man could even think to put his hands on his daughter let alone choke her. It hadn't been until Santana was in college herself that Quinn finally told her the real reason she had been in the hospital. Brittany had never looked sadder in her life. She never expected something so cruel and horrible to happen to her best friend. Worse than the thought of losing Santana and never being with her again … Brittany almost lost her best friend forever.
Santana didn't make the connections at first upon hearing her best friend's tale but she suspected. There was a niggling in the back of her mind that said that there was something about it that sounded familiar to her. It was two weeks later that she made the connection between her mother's frantic phone call and Quinn's story. She had been livid and sad all at once. She remembered her mother asking if whoever it was called the police and if she was able to save her daughter. She did say that she managed to save her daughter at least from what Santana gathered. She had heard her mother say 'thank god' to something but then only moments later a frustrated 'dios mio' left her mouth. Just from hearing that alone it made Santana realize that it had to have been Judy Fabray who her mother had been talking to that night.
She was brought out of her thoughts by Quinn squeezing her hand and jostling it around to get her attention. "Hm?" Santana hadn't meant to get lost in her thoughts but Quinn's comment brought her back to a dark time in both of their lives.
"Where did you go just now?" Quinn asked softly. She could tell that Santana was thinking about something very serious. Or at least she had been until Quinn decided she didn't want to just stare at Santana's thoughtful face anymore because she felt like a bit of a creep.
Santana shook her head slightly to get rid of the thoughts that had come unbidden. "Nowhere Q, I was just thinking about how weird our mothers' relationship always did seem to me." Santana looked thoughtful and almost poignant from what Quinn could see of her expression. Almost as soon as it came it went away and Santana was back to being Santana. "Don't be a coward like me and shy away from what you're feeling but don't chase her either because you're not sure how she feels about you other than the fact that you're partners. If you really want her to sleep elsewhere then you can go ahead and ask her but don't lie to her about why because that would just build up an empire of hurt when she founds out the real reason you don't want her sleeping in the same bed as her." Santana was quite serious. "It's either tell her the truth or just don't say anything at all. Lying hurts more than the person who speaks it … it hurts everyone who hears it." Santana was always speaking wisdom when it came to something serious and she made no apologies for it. She often spoke many truths that made it hard for Quinn to do what she usually wanted to do: run away from everything.
Quinn shook her head at the Latina with the tiniest smile curving her lips upward. "You are impossibly wise when you're serious about something San. You know this because Brittany's the same way only hers usually only make sense to us because she thinks differently than most people." There was a pause as they both thought about 'gay sharks' and Brittany's take on them. They even said it out loud simultaneously and smiled over it.
A seriousness came over them both again as Santana spoke up once more. "Seriously though, Q, make the right decision for you so you don't regret it. You can talk to her about this if it will make it easier on you but just do whatever you think is right, whatever feels right to you Q. That way you won't have any regrets after the fact."
They enjoyed their talk despite the serious nature it took on after Santana's slightly comical surprise; however well hidden it truly was to any onlookers. Quinn left feeling a little bit better about her situation with Rachel. She had to think about what she wanted to do though, how she wanted to handle what she was going to say to Rachel, if anything at all.
It was Saturday evening and Quinn and Rachel were settling in for a movie marathon. They would be watching some classic horror movies from Quinn's very expansive collection of movies. The woman literally had movies from every genre imaginable in her home theater collection and then some. She had very eclectic tastes after all and she even surprised Rachel by having Broadway classics made into films and Broadway productions filmed from the very theater they had taken place in and sold very limitedly when they came out. Rachel literally swooned at the sight of titles like Wicked, Funny Girl, My Fair Lady, Les Misérables, Evita, Cats,etc. They were the originals and they were all legendary and she swore that she just fell in love with Quinn a little bit over seeing them for the first time just the week before.
Rachel was cuddled up to a little stuffed lion she had and she laid her head on Quinn's shoulder as the beginning of 'Ringu' started. This was a subtitled version just for American audiences who wanted to experience the original firsthand even if they needed subtitles in order to understand it. Despite the fact that it was a 1996 movie the quality was quite good for an older movie considering what the technological advancements of today had to boast. Rachel cooed at the little boy in the movie quite a bit because he really was quite the adorable little Asian tike and she was probably imagining what Mike would have looked like when he was just a young toddler.
When Sadako was first shown Rachel squealed quite adorably and latched onto Quinn's available arm and hid her face into the crook of Quinn's neck. The corner of Quinn's lips quirked up into her small smile at the brunette's extremely endearing and adorable reaction to seeing something scary. Quinn put her free arm around Rachel as she watched Rachel peek over at the large LCD screen after a few moments only to look away again. Quinn wanted so badly to coo at her and fuss over her scared partner but withheld the urge with barely there restraint. She's being so freaking cute! I can't stand it! Quinn decided cooing in her head was the safest option considering Rachel wouldn't be able to hear her thoughts.
Quinn was barely watching the movie and was concentrating more on watching Rachel's reaction to the movie since she had already watched it several times since she first bought it. Sadako's character design was more haunting than the look of Samara from the American remake from what Quinn had seen. Rachel liked watching scary things just to be scared and she was definitely being scared now. She was now nestled into Quinn's shoulder and watching with rapt attention until something scary happened, during which she would bury her head into Quinn's neck again. Quinn's heart raced every time she felt Rachel's breath on her skin and felt her reaction to the movie.
Quinn didn't even realize that the movie was over until Rachel gently extracted herself from Quinn and stood up from her seat. Quinn fought the feeling of disappointment washing through her as best she could for a moment before she gave up on that venture. She looked up to see the ending credits rolling and grabbed the remote beside her to open the DVD player. "What do you want to watch next?" Quinn asked this mostly to distract herself from the thoughts running through her head. The other part of her just wanted to let the brunette watch whatever she wanted so she could watch her react to whatever movie it was they would be watching. She liked watching her reaction not only because it was amusing but also because she was the most adorable creature she had ever met. There were a plethora of reasons for the blonde to like the brunette and she seemed to only find more with each passing day they spent together.
Rachel went up to the entertainment center and took a long look at all of the available movie options. She narrowed down her search to just a few different genres when she heard an amused laughter. She looked up, mirth in her eyes, and looked over to the softly chuckling blonde. "What? What's so funny?" The blonde merely shook her head and continued to smile her slightly upturned lip smile that Rachel found mysterious. She never knew what the blonde was thinking when she had that kind of smile on her face, with the slight upturn of the corner of her lips. "Seriously … what's the joke?" Rachel really wanted to know because she had to know everything that was going on no matter how trivial it might be, even if it was a trifling matter she needed to know.
Quinn shrugged her shoulders in response and the tiny brunette huffed out a breath of frustration. The diva continued to look at her until she gave in to her demands to know what it was Quinn found so funny. "Okay … okay I'll tell you." Quinn looked serious as she said this. "You … are … so …" she left pauses in between each word which aggravated Rachel just a tiny bit in a good way. She was hanging on to every word the blonde spoke and nodding along in slight exasperation. She was too impatient for her own good after all. "Very … PICKY!" Quinn yelled the last word to startle Rachel and it worked perfectly because the little diva gave a jump and her eyes were wide in surprise. She hadn't been expecting the blonde to suddenly raise her voice. She placed a hand over her heart as it raced but she didn't know if it was due to being startled or if it was because of the delight written all over Quinn's face. It was probably the latter.
"Quinn! Don't do that to a girl! You could have given me a heart attack!" Rachel's eyes held mirth within them despite the disapproving tone she was speaking with. "I, for the longest time, was paranoid about burglars coming into my parents' house and I once even went as far as giving my father a black eye because he had come up to get me for dinner." Quinn's laughter grew from giggling to true laughter looking at Rachel, in all of her seriousness, talk about giving her own father a black eye. "What? He's a very athletic, tall black man and he should have known better than to approach his daughter while she was listening to music on her iPod while she had earphones in. He nearly gave me a heart attack and I swung my arm around and managed to sock him right on the skin under his eye." There was just something funny about her delivery and the way her entire body seemed to tell the tale. "I felt terrible after I realized what I had done but he only laughed and it made me feel so much better about it but … well I just socked my own father in the eye because I thought he was a burglar. That was definitely not his favorite welcome home present from me, that's for sure."
Quinn just could not hold in her bellyful of laughter anymore and burst out laughing in a way she hadn't in years. Rachel took it all in with a smile on her face. This was the beginning of a wonderful, working, friendship. Rachel could just tell that they were going to be the best of friends from this single encounter.
When Quinn finally managed to calm down she spoke up, "you definitely have paranoia problems but I sure hope you don't end up punching my nose and breaking it one day because I was out with Brittana or I stayed in the office too late and come home to find you doing something and I end up tapping your shoulder only to find your fist. That would just be horrible!" Rachel gave her a dry look in response, clearly not amused by her unflattering portrayal of her paranoia.
"Well … you might deserve it if this is how you treat my case of slight paranoia." Quinn scoffed upon hearing the word slight.
"More like an extreme case. 'Slight' my butt Rachel Berry." Quinn said with disbelief coloring her voice. "I would say it's more like a very serious case of it because you punched your own father in the eye. You might want to get that checked out by a therapist or psychologist. I happen to like the one I'm going to now and I might be able to get you an appointment with her if you want."
Quinn was joking of course but Rachel was fixated on the fact that Quinn had sought out help like she asked of her. "You … you're seeing a therapist Quinn?" Quinn looked embarrassed but she nodded in spite of it. Rachel looked so happy and sad at the same time. She was relieved that Quinn had taken her suggestion to heart and found help but she was also sad because Quinn looked embarrassed to have sought out help. "You don't have to be embarrassed Quinn. I think a good percent of people in the world these days need to see a therapist at some point in their lives because there is so much horror, chaos, strife, stress, pain, depression, and so much sorrow going on in the world right now. There is just so much going on in the world and not all of it is right and people need to have some professional help. They need an outlet that's stronger than just a support system and that would be a therapist. It's nice to talk to your friends but sometimes they don't know what to say or do to make things better even they can be there to listen. A therapist can help in that area and you need it so much more than some people who seek help as well. You've been through something traumatic and it's only right for you to help yourself by seeking the help of someone with the profession to give you the right kind of advice." Rachel always seemed to have a speech ready for every occasion no matter how sudden the topic might be.
Quinn was looking at the floor of the apartment as she let Rachel's words roll around in her head. When she looked up it was to see that Rachel was looking at her with kind, warm brown eyes.
They just looked at each other for several moments longer before Rachel turned back to the DVD rack and picked out the movie she had been eyeing earlier. "I think we should watch something funny and heartwarming so I want to watch The Proposal if it is all right with you." She turned back to look at Quinn who had an expressionless face. Quinn nodded since she knew she needed the humor of that movie too. It was one of her favorite romantic comedies for sure.
"Yes, I'm fine with that movie. It's one of my favorites because of how witty it truly is." A small smile appeared on Quinn's face again and it reached her eyes, for which Rachel was glad for.
And so Rachel put the movie in and Quinn once again chose to watch Rachel's reaction since she had also watched this movie several times. She was careful in how she watched to make sure Rachel didn't notice that she wasn't watching the movie. She made sure to watch her out of the corner of her eye and to look over at her and laugh at all of the right moments so Rachel wouldn't suspect a thing. Quinn really liked being able to get to know the diva like this, so intimately, without the repercussions of blatant staring (observation).
"That was a really good movie Quinn! I'm glad we watched it." Rachel said while the last extra scenes played with the credits. Quinn just smiled her small smile in response as Rachel's eyes glanced back to the TV screen. "I … I don't think there's a romance like that in real life … I think that love is … it just doesn't exist and I will never fall in love again." Rachel said suddenly into the room.
Quinn was startled by hearing such a thing so suddenly. "Where … where did that come from?" Quinn was confused to hear such a defeated thing coming from someone as persistent and determined as Rachel. "And what do you mean by that?"
Rachel turned to look Quinn in the eyes as she spoke. "I don't think real love exists because from my experience in the romance department … people often just settle. I've never really seen two people who are truly in love. Your best friends are the closest thing I've ever seen to that and they just might be the exception to it." Rachel paused to take a deep breath before releasing it and continuing on with her thoughts. "Watching this movie … it makes me think that, that true love doesn't really exist and it's just something in movies that sell. It's just a ploy in books, movies, TV shows, and theatre. It's just make belief. It's as real as fairies, dragons, and witches and that a kiss being all it takes to save the princess. It's just … all fake and a way to make money because people want to believe that it's the real deal, that it can really happen in real life." Rachel explained everything with so much sadness in her voice that Quinn knew that she was still upset over Jesse St. Garbage, as dubbed by Santana.
Quinn wanted to reassure her that it wasn't make believe … that it really could and does happen in real life but she didn't know what to say. She just knew she needed to say something. "Don't … don't give up on love just because you've been hurt by some jerk. He may have led you on but he really did care about you. I know … I know what I'm saying may be hard to hear but … he was trying to protect you in his own selfish way. He didn't want you to find out the way you did but the reason it was so hard for him to come clean was probably because he didn't want to hurt you." Quinn was looking right into Rachel's eyes with compassion. "You should let yourself get over him and let a new love in. Just don't give up on love and find someone new, someone better who loves you. Find someone who understands you and just … gets you and loves you for all of your quirks and flaws even if it takes some time to realize that they really, genuinely, care about you wholeheartedly." Rachel looked like she was on the verge of tears and when a single tear fell Quinn gently brought a hand up to wipe it away. Rachel pressed her hand into the skin of Quinn's hand, desperately in need of the contact, the comfort she presented.
"You are so wonderful Quinn." Rachel nuzzled into her warm hand and looked at her with her big brown eyes. "It's a mystery to me how someone as gorgeous and warm as you hasn't found anyone yet. I mean I've never seen you bring anyone over other than Brittany and Santana for dinner movie nights and play dates." Quinn was blushing profusely at the compliments. "Logically you probably have many admirers who haven't worked up the courage to actually talk to you yet let alone ask you out though." Quinn was glad that Rachel hadn't used the word 'guys' because that would have been presumptuous, which Rachel wasn't. "Why are you still single?" Rachel was always one to speak her mind.
"I just … I have my eye on someone but … they haven't opened their eyes yet to really see me." Quinn said cryptically, leaving Rachel wondering.
Quinn may have been in denial about some things but this she wasn't. She was in denial about how strong her feelings for Rachel were but she could not deny that she really liked her, felt a strong attraction, a pull, to her. That much was obvious but she could deny until the day she died that she was falling in love. Quinn never mentioned anything about changing the sleeping arrangements because she was a masochist for one Rachel Barbra Berry.
So yes the chapter's late but at least it's a very long one! I hope it is thoroughly enjoyed!^^ Thank you for reading and please leave me some nice reviews about what you all thought about this chapter!^^
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