Chapter Seventeen

When Christian makes no move towards the shower after their lovemaking session, instead silently resting his head on her abdomen until the conditioned air cools the sweat on their bodies, Ana knows that she hadn't imagined his earlier trepidation. So she runs soothing fingers through his hair as she says, "Baby, what's wrong?"

Christian smiles against her skin and echoes, "Baby." And then he sighs and says, "Pretorius. Not all of your stripes were completely faded when he saw your back the other day."

Without knowing why, Ana is filled with dread as she asks, "What's he going to do about it?"

Christian stirs against her and says, "Oh, sorry; nothing, far as I know. But that's the reason he was keen to introduce you to Felice. It seems she doesn't have many friends, and he thought that an apparent fondness for kink made you a suitable candidate."

Confused why this should so upset Christian, given that he's now relaxed enough about Jacque to have apparently been chatting with him, Ana's mind leaps ahead and she eventually says, "Yes, Felice is worried about that, too. But it's just because she doesn't know you."

His whole body suddenly tense, Christian asks, "What did she say?"

Again trying to soothe his thoughts with touch, Ana waits the few seconds it takes for him to relax before saying, "Oh, nothing specific. She's understandably paranoid about dominant men and warned me to be careful." When he says, nothing, she says, "Christian, please tell me you're not seriously comparing yourself with her husband?"

Tension again evident in his body and his voice, Christian hesitates before saying, "She married young, with little experience of other men, and none of kink. He was older and much more experienced. Apparently it was good, for a while."

Gripping Christian's hair and gently pulling back enough that she can see his face, Ana says, "Good, considering she married a psychopath. Speaking of which, can Taylor recommend anyone to protect her?"

The concern in Christian's eyes receding a little, he says, "I imagine he's doing that as we speak. Someone sweet like that being in danger, and him not being able to anything to protect her, is pretty much Jason Taylor's version of hell. I'm a little worried he'll offer his services."

Grateful for the opportunity to alleviate the somber mood, Ana smiles and says, "Jason might leave you, Christian, but you know very well that he'd never abandon me, and he's not going anywhere without first checking with Gail."

Finally able to smile, though it's a feeble imitation of his normal, dazzling expression, Christian agrees, "You're right. Thanks." Levering himself to his feet, he offers Ana a hand as he says, "Time for that shower."

Ana knows Christian well enough to recognize that he's still anxious. But she also knows when there's no point pushing him, so she accepts his assistance and they manage to keep the shower from becoming too sexual. Both of them clad only in a robe and underwear, Ana lets Christian lead her to the sofa. They sit at opposite ends, their legs enmeshed out of necessity, given its size, and Christian asks, "So, how do we do this?"

Resisting the urge to laugh, Ana says, "You really are terrible at doing nothing, aren't you?"

With a shrug, Christian says, "Lack of practice."

Channeling Yoda, Ana says, "Well, come to the right place you have, young Jedi. Already know you, that which you need." Laughter bubbling up within her, she manages to conclude, "Simply empty your mind and say the first thing that comes into your head."

His face split with a huge grin, Christian says, "You'd look hot in that bronze bikini."

Ana laughs out loud and then says, "I think we've found the problem; you're always thinking about work or sex. Neither is conducive to the pastime of doing nothing. I love you, Christian."

Clearly amused, Christian says, "Because I'm imagining you as Princess Leia?"

Another laugh and Ana says, "Yes, that too. But mainly because you're immensely loveable." As if a switch has been thrown, Christian is suddenly pensive and Ana wonders if the earlier topic is again open for debate. Afraid of causing him distress, but even more afraid that his fears will cause him to shut down emotionally and sabotage the trust they currently have, Ana adamantly declares, "There is no way you'd ever hurt me like that."

She can see Christian debating with himself whether or not to open up, and then he quietly says, "Maybe that's how they felt in the beginning, too."

Her chest actually aching at the thought that he thinks himself capable of the atrocities committed against Felice, Ana says, "You honestly think that you could beat me with a hammer, or burn me with a cigarette?"

His face twisted in disgust at the idea, Christian says, "No, but it doesn't have to be that severe, does it? We know this."

And, just like that, they're back at her leaving him. Wondering if they'll ever be free of it, Ana says, "We need to see Flynn, as a couple."

Surprise evident on his face, Christian asks, "Why?"

He throat now aching with the effort of holding back the tears, Ana says, "Because you're still afraid that I'm going to leave you, and I don't know how to make you understand that I'm not going anywhere."

Reaching for her hand, to draw her into his lap, Christian says, "Baby, please don't cry. We can see Flynn, if you think it will help. Just don't cry, okay?"

Ana manages to keep her reaction to a strangled hiccup and then she says, "Do you think Dendry ever gave a damn if Felice cried?"

With a harsh laugh, Christian concedes, "No. I imagine the sick fucker liked it."

"No more comparing yourself to him until our session with Flynn, okay?"

Cradling Ana to his chest, Christian says only, "Okay." They're quiet for a while and then he asks, "Does it still count as nothing if I almost make you cry?"

Ana laughs and says, "I think so. But we definitely need more practice, I think. Actually, that's not a bad idea."

Christian is already nodding and says, "Yeah, I was thinking the same. We still have a lot of shit to sort out. Might be tricky when I'm away on business, but some time each day seems a good idea; just to touch base and discuss how things are going. How long?"

"You going to call me when you're away from home?"

Christian chuckles and says, "Yes, I'm looking forward to trying phone sex."

Ana laughs and says, "I told you; work or sex. Then I think we should do this even when you're away. How about thirty minutes?"

"Twenty."

Amused that he's haggling, Ana asks, "Why twenty?"

With a shrug, Christian says, "Thirty sounds like a lot, but twenty? Hell, I could spend that long taking a shit."

Squirming in disgust, Ana says, "Well, please let me know if you ever do so, and I'll use another bathroom."

Christian laughs and says, "Baby, believe me, you'll know without being told."

"New topic, please." Just then there's a knock on the door, and Ana says, "Thank God."

Christian laughs again and smacks her butt as he says, "You go first. I'll get some more work done."

As she gets to her feet, Ana asks, "Oh, where?"

"Second bedroom?"

With a nod, Ana admits the massage therapist, Kim, followed by Prescott carrying the folded table. They're soon set up in the second bedroom and the security officer leaves them alone. Other than polite chatter and a discussion of how intense the massage should be, the masseuse doesn't say much, which suits Ana just fine. She manages to stay awake, but finishes feeling much more relaxed. After thanking Kim, she finds Christian at his computer and says, "All yours. She's good."

Christian smiles and says, "From your vast experience of three massages?"

"From my tense muscles being no longer tense."

Immediately contrite, Christian says, "I'm sorry that I upset you before."

Not wanting to risk tears with a stranger in the house, Ana merely shrugs and says, "You didn't mean to. And I imagine what you just said is another thing that sets you apart from Dendry."

"About that; I've been doing research." He then stands and offers Ana his seat, saying, "See for yourself. I was a bit worried when I ticked the first few boxes, but I'm pretty sure I passed. Let me know what you think." When Ana only grins up at him, Christian smiles and adds, "Yes, I imagine those words didn't slip out of his mouth very often, either." Bending down to kiss her, he concludes, "I love you, Anastasia. Thank you, for being so patient with me."

Grabbing the lapel of his robe so she can steal another kiss, Ana says, "And I love you, Christian. Thank you, for listening. Enjoy your massage...oh, but not too much."

With a laugh, Christian points at the screen and says, "First warning sign is jealousy, baby. Maybe you're the one we should be worried about?"

As Christian heads off for his massage, Ana jokes, "Maybe I am."

Not even looking back, Christian cheerfully says, "Making threats is also on the list."

It doesn't take long perusing the sites Christian has opened to confirm that, though he's troubled, there's little chance of him becoming an abusive husband. Curious about the other side of the coin, she then searches for symptoms prevalent in abused spouses. She's still doing so when Kim says, from a respectful distance, "Uh, Mrs. Grey? He fell asleep. Would you like me to fetch the table later?"

Closing the laptop, Ana stands and says, "Oh, please, if that's okay?"

With a bright smile, the woman says, "Of course; you're my last clients for the day. Just call the office and leave it outside the door."

Remembering the need for security, Ana says, "Actually, it'll be at the other villa." Used to Christian dealing with such things, Ana hesitantly asks, "Uh, my husband set this up, so…?"

At the pause, Kim smiles and says, "All paid for, ma'am, and then some. Same time tomorrow?"

Taking a deep breath, Ana makes a decision and says, "That'd be lovely. Oh, but can we pay you then?"

With a smiling bob of her head, Kim says, "Yes, ma'am. I'll see you tomorrow."

After seeing Kim to the door, Ana writes down the details and then opens Christian's laptop. Of course, she now needs a ridiculously long password to access it. So she fetches their copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and tiptoes into the second bedroom. Christian is still asleep, face down on the massage table, a towel covering most of his body. Only then does Ana realize he removed his shirt for the massage, and she marvels at his courage, that he can willingly endure what must still be an unpleasant experience for him.

Resisting the powerful urge to touch him, Ana settles on top of the bed and begins reading. She's once again learning why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird when the atmosphere in the room changes. Looking up and smiling at her sleepy husband, she says, "Did you know that I can always feel when you're watching me? It's as if I'm not quite alive except under your gaze."

Sitting up and scrubbing at his face and hair with two hands, Christian says, "Ana, you're the most alive person I've ever met, regardless of whether or not I'm paying attention to you."

With a quiet smile, Ana says, "And how would you know that?"

Christians stills, barks a laugh and says, "You're right. I have no fucking idea. You could be a department store manikin when away from me, for all I know. How long was I asleep?"

"Not very long. I'm glad you slept. Oh, Kim will pick up the table from the other villa when someone calls the spa, and…I hope it's okay, but I booked her for the same time tomorrow?"

Standing and stretching towards the ceiling as he does so, Christian says, "Fine, baby. You're right; she's good."

When Christian joins her on the bed, Ana puts the book aside. Only when he makes no move to touch her does she ask, "You okay?"

Leaning back against the many pillows and closing his eyes, Christian says, "We didn't finish our twenty minutes."

Grateful that he's already so committed to something they only decided this afternoon, Ana says, "Oh, well, I'm not sure I have any other concerns about us right now. You?"

"But it doesn't have to be about us, does it?"

"No. Felice?"

"Yeah. I'm not sure she's good for you."

"Maybe I'm good for her? And you won't try and stop me from being her friend."

Finally looking at her, Christian says, "No. You don't have many friends, either."

Ana smiles and says, "Isolation was on the list, too. You're a good man, Christian Grey."

Christian smiles and says, "Did you ever see that production?" At Ana's obvious confusion, he explains, "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. As a child, I saw an off-Broadway production with Mom, and identified with him for a while after that."

Sensing a story, Ana asks, "Which part?"

His expression suddenly shutting down, Christian says, "You won't like it."

Snuggling against him, resting a hand on his bare chest as preparation, Ana says only, "Nevertheless."

After a moment, Christian says, "We were there because I'd shown some interest in the piano and appeared to identify with the character Schroeder. But the bit that got to me was when Lucy describes Charlie Brown's face as Failure Face. I already felt like a failure most of the time; there was just so much that I didn't know about being a normal child, so I kept stuffing up in those early years. But not until then did I become afraid that it might be visible on my face. I began to wonder if that's what people were thinking when they looked at me. It actually gave me nightmares, and I already had enough of those. I threw myself into everything after that, determined that no one would have cause to use me as an example of failure."

Fighting back tears for his sake, Ana takes a deep, shuddering breath and asks, "Do you still feel like that?"

"No, I…" When Christian hesitates, Ana tenses, wondering how bad it could be, and then he continues, "Elena cured me of that. I know you think she only did me harm, and I'm willing to concede that her actions may not have been entirely selfless, nor even completely helpful. But she turned me into a strong, confident man when I was an extremely troubled kid with one hand poised over the self-destruct button. I am entirely confident that I'd be in prison or dead if it weren't for her." When there is no reply for several seconds, he says, "Ana?"

"Just trying to get my head around it." Reassured, Christian gives her the time she needs and Ana eventually says, "You'll always be grateful to her."

"Yes."

Pondering this unsavory truth for a while, Ana then says, "I don't ever want to see her again."

With a harsh laugh, Christian says, "So I gathered."

Looking up at him, Ana says, "I'm serious, Christian."

Unconsciously caressing her back in an attempt to soothe her, Christian, "I know, baby. She's already been removed from the list of people who are welcome at the apartment. So, even if she stops by unannounced, the team won't let her in."

Holding his gaze, willing him to understand that it's non-negotiable, Ana says, "And she will never meet our children."

A myriad of emotions pass over Christian's face, too fast for Ana to identify them, and then he says, "Agreed."

Settling back against his shoulder, Ana breathes, "Thank you."

Christian resumes his soothing caress and, after a few seconds, asks, "So, you're saying that you won't give me a hard time about remaining in contact with Elena?"

"Under those two conditions, I can accept it. You don't have enough friends either. The fact that I wish she didn't exist shouldn't matter. I know you're not going to…you know, with her. So long as I'm at the top of your friends list, I can live with her being part of your life."

A warm chuckle rumbling through his chest, Christian says, "We're calling it 'you know', now?"

Reaching for his ticklish ribs, Ana says, "Yes, as in: you know very well why I don't want that image in my head. And right now would be a good time to remind me how important I am to you."

Capturing her wondering fingers, Christian rolls their bodies so that he's partly on top of Ana, her hands imprisoned in one of his above her head. Caressing her cheek with his free hand, he earnestly declares, "Anastasia, you're everything to me."

Unable to keep her smile contained, Ana asks, "More than aviation?"

His face serene with love for her, Christian warmly promises, "More than music. You're the only song I need."

Beaming up at him, Ana says, "I have no idea what that means, but it's having the most incredible effect on my body."

Resting one hand almost chastely on her groin, Christian says, "About here?"

Even through layers of terry toweling, his touch fuels her desire, every muscle south of her navel clenching in anticipation and she gasps, "Yes."

Suddenly bereft of his touch, Ana looks at her grinning husband at the foot of the bed for the answer and he says, "Too bad. We're already late for dinner."

Throwing a pillow at him, that is too easily deflected, Ana protests, "After you just removed my appetite for food?" In the next breath, mortified that she could have forgotten, she asks, "Oh, how's Felice? Did you hear from Taylor, yet?"

Picking up his robe and offering Ana a hand as she climbs off the bed, Christian says, "Yes. She's feeling much better. Taylor's back at the villa, but he'll accompany us this evening." With another grin, he adds, "Given that our hosts don't appear to have sinister intentions, I thought Rachel could stay on solid ground."

Following him to the bedroom, Ana says, "Then I'm guessing she has a date."

Without pausing, Christian says, "She's single, baby."

Surprised to have knowledge that he doesn't, Ana says, "Not anymore. She met someone when we were swimming with dolphins."

As he chooses clothes for the evening, Christian says, "Did she now? Good for her. I gather, from the fact that you know this, things are easier between the two of you?"

Deciding on smart casual, Ana also chooses an outfit as she says, "Yes. You don't mind what they do when they're off duty, do you?"

"No, baby. I demand a lot from the team. So long as they stay sober while rostered on, in case I need them at short notice, they can do what they want. And Rachel's used to that policy from previous jobs, as are most of them."

"Why do you only use their given names when we're alone?"

"Actually, until you came on the scene, I only used their surnames." With a grin to show that he's not upset, Christian says, "You're corrupting me."

For some reason incredibly pleased with this revelation, Ana says, "Good."

Of course, Christian is ready first and bestows a quick kiss on Ana's lips before heading to the living room. When she catches up with him, he's on the phone and apparently telling Taylor that they're ready. Ana notices that his laptop is again open. When he hangs up the phone, she asks, "Did you see the sites I was looking at?"

"Yes. Worried that you might have had some of the symptoms?"

"God, no. In fact, according to the internet, you have an entirely beneficial effect on me." After mirroring his smile at this news, Ana continues, "No, I was just curious. But it made me realize something…you remember me mentioning that I didn't get on well with Mom's third husband?"

His voice suddenly edged with violence, Christian says only, "Yes. You think the fucker was abusive?"

Still unsure of a theory formed only a couple of hours ago, Ana shrugs and says, "She's never mentioned it…but, yeah, maybe. Do you think I should ask her about it?"

"He's gone from your lives?"

Only now worried what Christian's temper might lead him to, Ana emphatically nods and says, "For good. We've not heard from him since the divorce."

Embracing her, Christian asks, "Did he ever try anything with you?"

Resting her palms on his chest, feeling that his heat rate is elevated, Ana shakes her head as she says, "No, nothing. I just never felt right around him, and Mom wasn't ready to hear anything negative about him, so I got out of there. Christian, please don't do anything to him. I don't even know if I'm right, and it was years ago." When everything about him indicates defiance, Ana begs, "Please, Christian. I need to know that I can discuss stuff like this without you going postal."

After a few more, tense moments, Christian shrugs and says, "Okay, baby; no vendettas without your permission."

Relieved, Ana says, "Thank you, but you'll never have my permission."

Kissing her forehead and releasing her, Christian says, "Never say never, baby. As for your question; you're clearly an excellent judge of people. You'll know if and when it's right to broach this subject with Carla. Until then I'd leave it alone. She seems very happy with Bob."

Reassured, Ana says, "She is. Thank you." With a nervous laugh, she adds, "Are you going to be like this every time I express concern about someone?"

Clearly in earnest, Christian vows, "Yes."

Where credit's due: If you don't know the origin of Yoda and Princess Leia...well, I'm not even sure what to say;-) And, of course, the late, great Charles M. Chulz for "Charlie Brown".