Who will love me?

A few days later we were readying ourselves for our new assignment at Hopewell University. We were going to participate in a research study one of the biology professors was conducting; but little did we know, it would be another five plus years before we'd be back.

The rest of our battalion was back on Hurunda doing android bunker operations when we'd gotten the news. The civil unrest on the Pelora colony had broken forth into violence. We were told we'd be deployed to Fenta to supervise the elections. San Wan said though that we'd be moving off of that planet in six or so weeks and sent to the Patorie sector to patrol for pirates. Well, at least that's fairly benign duty. I figured as I packed my things to be ready for the transport back to our battle cruiser.

Ranakah phoned and told us San Wan would be back in two hours with the shuttle to get us. So after packing and with nothing better to do we all decided to hang out in the back yard and play cards or something. It was a nice sunny warm spring day and Bella's garden was in full bloom.

Sentury and Japah were getting a little rowdy trying to juggle Boche Balls and play catch with horse shoes while I decided to take up residency on the hammock. Katook was wandering around chasing the giant bumble bees through the flowers. Yeah, you know the ones that are the size of your hand; or at least I think that's what he was doing. Every so often we'd hear a yell from the other side of the yard. "Ouch! Don't sting me!"

Apparently he'd had enough of that though, since I felt a poke just as I was about to fall asleep. I opened my eyes.

"What's up Katook?" I asked as he was standing there looking rather forlorn.

"I need some company." He said as he crawled into the hammock with me.

"What's the matter?" I looked at him as he wiped his face and then rested his head on my shoulder.

"I don't know." He sighed. "Think I need some happy pills again."

"Well." I said as I patted his arm. "It happens to the best of us."

Katook closed his eyes and soon fell asleep as we lay there swinging in the breeze. I stared up at the sky watching the birds fly back and forth between the trees wondering how many other millions of creatures were out there staring into the same space feeling as absolutely all alone as I did.

San Wan would say that when ever he got lonely, he'd look up into the sky and think of the great God who was so much bigger than all this He'd brought to life. Eventually, San Wan said he'd feel not so alone. Well, I guess he's got a point there. I thought a moment as I listened to Katook's breathing and felt the weight of his body against mine. It was rather comforting having life other than my own so close to me.

I thought a minute as I closed my eyes and started to wonder if God would actually listen if I tried to pray. Well God! I said in my head before I stopped and thought to myself. I don't even know what to say? I've never done this before. I opened my eyes and stared at the sky. Would You hear me if I talked to You? I asked.

No answer sprang forth in that moment, except the sun came peeking out from behind a cloud and I could feel it's warmth on my face. Maybe You do actually hear me. I thought for a moment as I heard Sentury and Japah getting boisterous again.

I looked over at the two of them trying to see who could shot put a Botchy Ball the furthest. You guys are funny. I smiled to myself as I closed my eyes. Before too much longer; I'd found myself asleep as well.

I awoke again choking on the hot air and sand that had gotten into my mouth. I coughed and sputtered as I quickly sat up and looked around. I'm back here. I thought to myself as my eyes settled upon this desert nomad I'd apparently left sitting here some time ago while my mind wandered down the memory lane of life.

"Oh sorry." I mumbled to him. "I sometimes get lost in my thoughts. I guess." I whispered while simply staring at the sand that ran down the small mounds of where I'd just been laying.

"You miss your friends." He said in what seemed to me to be an indication that he understood.

I looked up at him. "Yeah I do." I whispered as the memories of Katook's final moments flooded my mind.

"We were running." I started to cry. "Running to try to get back to the transport before the Balliah got to us. Katook was right behind me when I heard a sudden crack, an explosion and a scream. I woke up half buried under rubble when I heard someone call me." I took a deep breath.

"The voice was calling Amornam; so I knew it was Katook. I didn't think I was hurt, but I remember being really dizzy. I got up and stumbled over to a body laying in a crater. I thought I must have been hearing things because when I saw him, I knew he couldn't still be alive! I tripped, fell and sort of slid into the crater. I managed to crawl over next to him, pulled his helmet off and then mine. He looked at me and than started singing an ancient Earth song Shiloh had recorded off the university's main computer.

'Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow.

I will hold tight to the hand of him who's love will comfort me.

And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle.

He is all the strength that I will ever need.

He will carry me.'

Than he coughed and everything went silent. I..I shook him, but he didn't answer. His eyes were open, but I could tell he wasn't there any more."

"I don't remember much after that." I continued. "I remember four Balliah soldiers had found us there and me yelling at them at the top of my lungs to go ahead and shoot me. It didn't matter any more. Three of them just looked at the forth.

"Crazy clone." He said. "They loose their mind when batch buddy get killed."

So I turned around and started running away from them. I don't think they did anything but just stand there and watch me. When I saw the edge of the cliff. I just kept running until there was no ground left under my feet.

I only vaguely remember falling. There was a big shadow that flashed between the sun and me and all the sudden something grabbed me. I remember this swooping noise and rocking motion like the waves of the sea. I'd drop, jump, my ears would pop with every swoop and every time this happened I thought I was going to black-out. I was upside down and I could see that the ground was somehow getting further away.

Suddenly the Balliah appeared on the cliff underneath me and I could see one of us laying in a crater behind them. I kept going higher and higher and then suddenly dropped onto a mound of sticks, grass, mud and feathers. I pushed myself up to see where I was and all I could make out was this huge bird flying away. I looked down at myself because every time I moved there seemed to be something sticking me. That's when I noticed there were three holes in my armor. Two in the vest and one in the leg. When I realized they'd been left by the talons of this bird; I...I think I passed out."

I sat quiet for a real long time after that; just glancing up at this desert Earth dweller. I thought about the final words Katook uttered and how his life had totally changed after one particular incident following the commencement of the research project at the college that took us five years to get back to. Five years, several reconstruction projects, a police action and two wars later; we returned to Hopewell University. That's a whole other story though.

Well, Katook's long-standing quest to just "get laid" ended abruptly one evening when we'd found him in the dorm several hours after our return from dinner and studies. We all walked in, Japah headed to his locker, Sentury to the toilet and I to toss my gear in the foot locker by Katook. He sat, slouched over on that odd piece of furniture dubbed "a futon" that someone from the college had generously donated to us. His armor vest was on the floor and various other assemblies of garb in assorted stages of undress.

"What's wrong Katook?" I asked when I stumbled upon him. He was quiet for a long time.

"I guess Sentury was right." Katook finally mumbled.

"Right?" I heard Sentury pipe in from the toilet room. "You mean I was actually right about something?" He giggled as he came out to see what Katook was talking about.

"Yeah." Katook looked up at him. "There's a right way and a wrong way." Katook glanced around at all of us. "I don't think I did it the right way."

The three of us paused and looked at Katook a few minutes as we began to piece together what he was actually talking about. Sentury rubbed his face a minute or two before any of us finally said something.

"You wanted to see if?" Sentury paused. "You...work?" He inquired as he looped his finger in circles through the air .

Katook nodded.

"Well?" Japah curiously interjected.

Nope. Katook shook his head as Japah seemed subtlety crestfallen.

"But at least Melinda was nice about it." Katook shrugged. "She said she actually likes me better this way. You know?" He glanced up at us. "The way we are." Katook sighed. "She said we're uncomplicated. We are not always thinking about that... that one thing. And;" Katook paused another minute. "She loves the fact that I'm so cuddly."

We all started laughing.

"Yeah that's us!" I giggled.

"We're the cuddliest army in the galaxy!" Japah completed my thought as he slapped me on the back.

"Hey but you know what; that's OK!" Sentury reassured Katook and the rest of us. "I enjoy being honest and uncomplicated. Makes my life easier!" Sentury smiled.

"But how come I feel so disgusting?" Katook suddenly blurted out. "I'm disappointed that Melinda agreed to this in the first place and I'm mad at myself for actually asking!" Katook crossed his arms in an aggravated growl and hung his head. "I guess I feel ashamed of myself." He whispered.

The rest of the three of us just stood for a long time; not sure how to answer him.

"Well, I think we've all done things we aren't proud of." I sighed as I sat down with Katook and gave him a reassuring slap on the back. "We can't change the past." I told him. "Just try to do better next time."

"But that doesn't stop me from feeling what I feel now!" Katook yelled in exasperation as he got up and ran away from us.

"I feel polluted. I feel dirty and I can't undo that!" Katook continued. "They tell me I belong to the Allegiance. I belong to this army. I'm a clone! I don't even posses my own identity! I don't want to belong to anyone else; but I don't make better decisions when I think I belong to me! So what difference does it make?" Katook stood with his arms crossed, tight-lipped looking like he was trying desperately to hold back the tears.

"San Wan tells us we belong to God." I suddenly stated the first thought that came to mind.

The three of them turned and looked at me sort of strangely, as if that was some odd revelation none of us had ever harked to before. Even though of course, we'd all heard San Wan say it at least a million times.

"Do you think that's really true?" Katook gasped as he turned away from us.

"Well, I don't know?" I confessed after a long pause. "It sounds better than anything else I've been told."

There was another silent moment before Japah let out a little giggle.

"Yeah it does." He said. "Do you think maybe we actually do have souls?" Japah posed rather inquisitively.

"Judge for yourself I guess." Sentury answered. "Do you think we'd be having this conversation if we didn't?"

Katook finally settled himself, got some what redressed and came over to sit next to me. He leaned his wearied little cloned soul against my shoulder.

"Do you think other clones ask these questions, or are we just somewhat weird?" Katook solicited an opinion from each of us.

"Well?" Sentury chuckled as he plopped down on the other side of me and Japah grabbed a chair from a near by desk. "I suppose of the billions of clones who've come and gone before us; we can't be the only ones in this whole sad army who've ever wondered this."

"Well I hope not." Katook sighed rather sleepily. "Because I really want a soul. One of my own! Not one someone cloned for me."

"I don't know? Can you clone a soul?" Japah jumped in.

"Well, I don't think so." I said. "That's the argument they all use that say we don't have souls; because a soul can't be cloned. But on the other hand:" I continued. "If we do actually have souls, than we are more than just clones, because something about us would be different from each other!"

"Nakahm!" Japah squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "Not tonight please. Your philosophical questions are giving me a headache."

It wasn't too much longer before Japah and Sentury left the conversation about clone's souls between my ears and got up to ready themselves for tomorrow's day's work. They took their turns in the shower; changed their underclothes and jump-suites, shut the lights off and went to bed. Katook and I just sat there on the futon somewhere in that stage world between awake and asleep when Katook yawned and started to mumble to me.

"Amornam?" He said.

"What?" I responded.

"You know how San Wan said God is love?" He asked.

"Yeah." I replied.

"And we can love because He first loved us?" Katook continued.

"Yeah." I responded again.

"Well, I know I love you; so I must have a soul." Katook concluded.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was nearly asleep again.

"Hum." I said to myself as I peered out the window and back down at Katook.

"I love you too." I sighed as I kissed the top of his head and rested mine on it. Maybe God you do hear us? I wondered as I soon fell fast asleep myself.

I looked up at the desert dweller again.

"Katook told me the next day what actually happened." I said to him.

"I guess he and Melinda started out hugging and kissing each other and when he didn't really know what to do next; she tried to show him. He got real uncomfortable being fondled though, so it seems she felt it best to just leave him alone. He said that she'd talked to him for about 20 minutes before she got up and left."

I looked at this man.

"He felt really badly about that for a long time." I told him.

"He never really talked about it after that." I said. "But he was different."

I sat for a long time and finally let out a sigh.

"I.. I miss him." I wiped away a tear.

"Do you know where he is?" I posed a meek inquiry.

"Yes." The man nodded. "Katook is safe now." He told me.

"Oh Thank you!" I exclaimed as I threw my arms around this man and cried.

"Can I see him?" I asked after I settled a bit.

"A little later." He smiled.