Red is Pain
The first time she had broached the subject of death was not at school dissecting a frog, nor was it at a funeral of a long lost family member she didn't really know. The first time Jane broached the subject death was when she told her mum "I'm dying"
She remembers it, clearly like she had said it yesterday. It's scorched into her brain like a hot iron had branded her skin. She was branded; maybe not physically but she felt it. She would never ever forget.
It was dark, she can't remember the time exactly but it was definitely dark. She had woken up from a bad dream hot, sweaty and struggling to breath. She had called out without realising and her mum had responded before she could focus. Her hand was on Jane's forehead and she was kissing her head whispering that everything was going to be alright. Jane didn't believe her; she knew that this was it. She was going to die at just aged eleven. She wanted to tell her mum she loved her, she loved them all but what came out was "I'm dying"
Her mum held her tighter and took a strangled breath "Don't say that" Angela laughed but Jane heard the undertone, the nerves, the way it was meant to be reassuring but how it actually sounded desperate. "You're not dying Jane"
She didn't argue.
She had no energy left.
The second time she broached the subject death she was in the hospital. It was a month later and she was hooked up to tubes, 2 maybe 3 she couldn't remember. She was barely conscious and managed to roll over catching her mum sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. Angela was crying and Jane couldn't understand why, so she asked "Am I dying Ma?"
The question was innocent but present. Angela sobbed "I don't know"
The truth.
It was all she ever wanted.
"Can you teach me something?"
Jane pushed her locker shut with a loud thud. She knows that voice without having to look. She doesn't understand why she is speaking to her or what she could possibly know that Maura doesn't. She turns, her eyes scanning over the loose fitting jeans and navy blue top which bring out Maura's eyes.
"You mean you don't know everything that there is to know?" The sarcasm drips of her tongue unnecessarily but its prominent nether the less.
Red steps back and shakes her head "Sorry" she mumbles and when a heavy silence falls on them she starts to walk away.
Jane isn't sure if it's the light that vanishes from Maura's eyes, or the way her shoulders fall or even how her voice dips that makes her heart tighten. Maybe it's all 3 combined with the lad that runs down the corridor too quickly and barges into Red too forcefully without an apology that makes her heart tighten, but whatever the reason, it does and before she knows what she is doing she is reaching out to hold her up and they're close. Far too close together that Jane can feel rather than hear Reds breath on her shoulder and the swallow in her throat. She steps back, suddenly.
Distance.
Air.
She needs them both to breathe.
Then the words fall out of her mouth without her permission like she has been cursed and has no control over her body "I'll help"
The words are quiet but Maura hears and suddenly she is standing straight and smiling. She raises her eyebrow, her lips curled at one side, smirking.
She is losing control, Jane is losing control,
"But you don't know what I want help with?"
Shit.
She needs to gather herself, she needs to think. She stands back, stands up straight and pushes a hand through her hair as if the movement will wipe her brain clear. Sarcasm, sarcasm adds space and now is the time to use it. She nods, reassuring herself, answering Maura. "No, I don't, but whatever it is can be classed as payback for what you did for my nose, right?"
OK, that wasn't sarcastic. She scolds herself.
Maura shakes her head "You don't owe me anything Jane" She hesitates; Jane can see it in the way her hands pull into fists then loosen at her sides. "I saw you, in the park. You're good at that"
"Baseball?"
"No" Maura sighs and when she looks back up into Jane's eyes they are desperate and pleading "Playing." Her answer comes out steady "My Nanny, she says I need to learn how to play, how to you know, be a teenager once in a while"
Jane knows two things for sure.
She would have laughed, had the words come from any other individual in the school. She would have asked them if they were for real or worse, she would have told them to outright piss off. But she understood what it was like to be forced to be an adult. She understood what it was like to be lonely and while she and Maura were not the same, she understood exactly how she felt.
She also knows if it was anyone else, she wouldn't have said yes.
She cannot go back in time. It doesn't matter how much she wants to or what she would have done differently if she was given the chance. Jane cannot go back in time no matter how much she wishes or dreams or preys. Her mistakes and the mistakes of the people around her linger in the back of her mind because life isn't fair. She will always be reminded. She will never be able to forget when the scars will be with her for life.
Jane cannot go back to the past, but she does have her whole future ahead of her.
The hallway of Maura's house is bigger than Jane's whole house if it was all set out on one floor. She shakes her head speechless and reminds herself that this, right here is why they shouldn't hang out together.
It hadn't been planned. She hadn't agreed earlier on in the day that she would be standing in Maura's house but her last class of the day was science and somewhere between registration and the final bell Jane had gotten lost. She stayed behind to ask the teacher for help and almost like Maura knew, she stayed behind too, waiting until Jane broached the subject with Mr Parker before she jumped in swiftly offering her help. Of course Mr Parker agreed that Maura's tutoring would be a brilliant idea because Maura was the perfect student and because it was Friday and Mr Parker just wanted to get home.
She hadn't even had time to raise an argument before he had left the room and Jane begrudgingly agreed to meet Maura later that evening to catch up.
"Why are you helping me?" She asks warily. She isn't used to people going out of their way for her and she isn't sure she likes it. No one does anything without reason. People don't get things for free anymore.
Maura doesn't answer. She walks past Jane as if she hasn't heard a word she has said and when Jane doesn't follow she stops in the doorway. "Come on" she prompts and Jane follows her to her bedroom without thinking about it.
"Why are you helping me" She tried again. Maura's room is red and cream and filled with candles and books and paintings. There isn't a thing out of place.
"Is there any reason why I shouldn't?" Maura finally answers.
There question is not what she expects but when it's aired she can't stop her reply "You're dangerous Red"
Maura stops taking her books out of her bag and stands up straight. She looks at Jane hard and for a second Jane thinks about turning around and walking away while she still feels somewhat in control. "Why do you call me Red?"
"You're dangerous" Jane repeats and although it's not really an answer. It's all she has to give.
"Why Am I dangerous Jane?"
"Because" Jane pauses and slides down to the floor, she pulls her knees up to her chest and closes her eyes. How can she explain to Maura that if she had just a fraction of what Maura did then her family may still be together? How can she explain to Maura that she is broken and even though Maura wants to be a Doctor, she cannot fix her?
Jane cannot be fixed.
How can she explain to Maura that just seeing her with her perfect hair and her perfect clothes and her perfect smile is like torture? It's like living a bad dream over and over again with no escape route. Its a reminder of what she will never have and what she will never be.
"Because If you had started our school earlier, if we were friends, if I knew you three years ago, I think you could have saved me" She eventually says and when she opens her eyes Maura is sitting in front of her crossed legs, eyes scanning over her face with so much concern it tears Jane's insides apart and then Maura reaches out for her hand. It's too much. Its not enough. She continues "But I didn't know you then, I know you now and now you can destroy me."
It's the way Maura doesn't ask but squeezes her hand in support, acceptance and understanding that confirms she is right.
It's through choice and not through force. Its because she has chosen to be there and not because she has to be.
It feels like butterflies fluttering for the first time. It feels like the first ray of sunshine after a stormy day.
It feels like something she has never had but always wanted.
She almost forgets to breath.
Jane was eleven when she first broached the subject of death but at that age she didn't understand the doctor's diagnosis. She didst understand the impact it would have on her family, on her education, on her friendships. She didn't understand that it would make her brothers get teased or her dad get drunk or her mum cry.
She didn't understand that they would have no money, that they would have to sell their house or that they would all break.
At that time she had never heard of the word leukemia.
Jane cannot go back in time, so she remains a bird with broken wings, trying to learn how to fly again.
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I know this chapter is very dark, I'm sorry guys and although I may lose some of you with that chapter your thoughts regardless would be a great help.
Thank you, you wonderful people!