"You are NOT going to call Agent,"

Bruce chuckled at Tony's vehemence. It was a good thing that he could see the humor in the situation, otherwise their cell – with Thor and Selvig leaning against each other on the bench and Hawkeye pacing while he argued with Stark – would become seriously crowded and uncomfortable.

"Then who d'you s'ppose we call?"

"Uhm..."

"Thought so." Clint turned to call out for a cop.

"Wait! - Hey Bruce, what about Betty?"

"Currently in Japan." And boy was he glad about that – he really didn't want to even imagine what General Ross would say if his daughter was called to bail Bruce Banner and Tony Stark out of the drunk tank.

"Erik? Thor?"

"Jane is still working her project in Australia."

"You two are telling me, you only got one person between you to call in such a case?" Tony was scandalized.

"I usually don't get arrested," Selvig clarified.

"When I get into trouble, I normally call upon the Warrior's Three or my brother, if matters need to be handed discreetly."

Clint chuckled. "Yeah – great idea. Let's call Loki, so Phil doesn't learn about this."

Selvig clearly wasn't amused, but Tony and Bruce joined in the laughter and eventually even Thor followed suit.

"Too bad the free phone call doesn't cover Asgard."

"Certainly wouldn't be the worst idea we had tonight."

"You thought it'd be hilarious to re-enact 'Men in Tights' in the middle of Time Square, too, Barton." Tony protested.

Clint turned towards him and poked a finger in his chest as he answered. "M' first mistake was not to run like hell, when the words bachelor party and Tony Stark were mentioned in the same sentence." He turned to call out for an officer once more.

"You are not calling your fiance, Legolas."

Slowly but surely this was getting irritating.

"So why don't you call someone, Stark?"

"Rhodey's in the Middle East," he began to count on his fingers, "Pepper and Steve are with Agent, Happy is their driver for t'night, you guys are here," he lost count here, as he wasn't sure how many fingers would be appropriate for 'you guys' and gave up, "and AI's aren't allowed to give bail."

"Which leaves us with..." Clint coaxed.

"Your friends," declared Tony happily.

"Right and since Nat is with Phil anyway..."

"You are NOT calling Agent."

"They're stuck in a loop," Selvig observed.

"Yeah, because she's a robot and he's an idiot," Bruce giggled. He was very happy with his own little joke although no one but Tony and him would probably get the quote and the genius was occupied otherwise.

"Stark – I'm not going to spend the night of my bachelor party in the drunk tank."

Tony broke into a grin as the brilliant solution hit him. "Nicky," he declared.

"Who?" Thor furrowed his brow in confusion.

Clint was flabbergasted, but before he could say anything, Tony continued.

"Think about it. Fury likes Phil and I'm sure he wouldn't want us to spoil his favorite agent's bri – I mean stag day."

Thor beamed. "'Tis a good plan, the Director will surely help us out of this..."

"And," Bruce added, "he's pr'ably the only one able to keep this a secret from Coulson."

Clint's eyes shot from one of his friends to the next, maybe it was the alcohol's fault, that he hadn't seen this earlier. "Tony you're brilliant."

S*T*A*G

"SHIELD HQ, how can I direct your call, Agent Barton?"

"I need to talk to th' boss."

There was a slight pause at the other end, but the guy on phone duty was too professional to comment on Clint's slow and slightly slurred pronunciation.

"I'll put you through."

There was a click and Clint only had to wait for three seconds before his call was picked up again.

"Assistant Director Hill speaking."

Clint wondered briefly why Fury sounded so different. This wasn't going according to plan.

"Barton?" Hill sounded impatient.

"Hmm – yes."

"Why did you call, Agent?"

"I wanted t' talk to Fury, Ma'am."

"Well he's not here and I'm on duty, so what IS the problem?"

"We're n th' drunt'nk, Ma'am," Clint mumbled.

Unfortunately Maria Hill had excellent hearing. "You're where? No forget that, who is we?"

"Thor, Selvig, Tony, Bruce 'n me."

"You're in a cell? With Doctor Banner?"

"'Twas Tony's idea – but Bruce 's fine – deci- ... decs- ... defn-... not green."

Her relieved sigh could be heard through the phone.

"Where are you?"

"Why?" Clint suddenly felt a surge of paranoia.

"Because I can hardly bail you out if I don't know at which precinct you are, Agent Barton. You do want to get out, don't you? That's why you called, right?"

"Yeah, but I thought..."

"You better don't – not at the moment. I'm going to get you out, Coulson won't be the wiser – and you owe me, Barton."

"'Kay." He wasn't drunk enough to argue with Hill, when she was in that mood. He told her where they were and hung up.

The police officer wondered briefly what the hell the guy had drunk. As he brought him back to the cell to wait for his bail out, the man pouted and explained, that he had looked forward to the troll-hunting.

author's note: You all know that any bachelor party organized by Stark would end like this.