8
What Have I Done?
Hi guys! So things are getting pretty weird in Caroline's head and it all can come to turn around for both her and the others. She's still extremely confused about what to do, even though deep inside she know "the real deal".
PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks for reading and I really hope you like it! Love you all xx
While they all sat by the fire Caroline felt the urge of leaning her head on Klaus' shoulder. Her eyelids were heavy and she yawned. The smoke smelled terrible, almost like the smoke was thick poison floating up in the air and that it poisoned her brain as it ran by. She began to see a little blurry.
While Caroline still was in a stiff position with Tyler, she hoped it would soon end, in some way. She wasn't sure yet whether she was going to choose Klaus over him, but it felt like that was going to happen. She would wait more, not to drag Tyler along, but to make sure it was the right decision. Klaus hadn't done anything cruel in a long time and she was sure it was because of her. She knew he could and would change. He was good after all. She couldn't deny that he also could offer so much and all in good forms. Klaus could show her the whole world and learn her about it, if she wanted to.
Her thoughts ran away from Klaus and to the major problem they all had. It was all kind of weird, really. The thought of why they really were here crept upon her almost all the time. Every day she thought of it. The fact that it was Bonnie who sent her here didn't really make it better, though it wasn't really her she had sent away. It still felt confusing with all this. She had never had this much time to think, so she would use it carefully. It was time to really think about her own problem with two men. Actually she didn't really care that much whether they would come home in two days or two months. 'You'll see' , she wondered what that meant. Or, not really what it meant, just what was going to happen. It was a hell of a lot of things that was going on both in her mind and outside of it.
Klaus climbed into her mind once again. He really showed his true self in this time. He had a lot of experience and knew a lot about things and she was truly happy he was here with them. Not only to help them all come home but also to help her understand herself. About what was right for her. He had learned her pretty much in just a few days. It was incredible.
As he almost controlled her mind, Caroline felt like her whole body wanted to be closer to Klaus who sat just an inch away from her, but as she looked up and saw Tyler's crumbled face on the other side of the fire, she held it back. It was painful for both of them. Seeing him suffer from their breakup made her realize that maybe she had made a mistake. Maybe he didn't have something going on with Hayley after all? What if he was telling the truth and what if he had been right all along? Was she the problem?
As she glimpsed on Klaus on her side and saw him staring into the fire with a blank expression, she felt fear crawling upon her. What was she doing? Was she falling for him? He had that extremely scary look upon his face, it showed nothing, just like the one he had after he'd killed. It was terrifying. She gasped for air as if she got hit by a wall of truth. He was a murderer. No matter how charming he could be with her, it wouldn't change the fact that he will never be anyone else than himself. And he was Klaus, the hybrid.
This changed a lot of things in a short matter of time. Not only the way she started to feel doubt and sorrow and a strange painful ache in her heart, but how she realized how ignorant and stupid she was. It was all her fault. She was the problem. It was her fault everything got broken around her. Everything, everything was her fault, and it came so fast upon her that she wanted to scream. The pain she saw in Tyler's eyes was her fault. That they were here was her fault. That the people soon would suffer because of Klaus would be her fault, because it would be her fault that he will be angry for not getting the things they need. It have been, is, and will be only her fault.
She suddenly jumped up from the log and then ran away in vampire speed. She ran far away and shut down her thinking. All she did was to run and run, far away from the others. Without knowing it changing directions a few times and then ran all the way to a lake. Her legs didn't stop running, she just kept going into the lake and she didn't even feel the bitter cold water on her skin. She ripped up her dress and screamed as loud as she could. The thoughts came back and hit her over and over again. What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?
Lightning struck her body with memories that she had been blind to. Her head was about to explode just before it hit the shiny surface and she got under it. It became black and bubbles floated up from her mouth as she let out an attempt to scream again as if her pain would go away. Never had she felt this way. Never. She had caused so much pain in other peoples lives and now she could feel it return to her. Her mother had a tough time and she ignored her, she didn't help her own mother. Tyler was sired to Klaus and she didn't understand what was going on. She did not understand because she had been so stupid. She was so stupid. All she wanted was to go away – to disappear.
If she would disappear, Tyler would forget her and live on with his life. Klaus would surely live on just properly fine. He never even liked her. Without Caroline everything would be okay for everyone. Wasn't that why Bonnie didn't try to rescue her when she grabbed Klaus' arm and became a immolation of her spell? Wasn't that also why Damon used her to feed on? Isn't that why Klaus is taking advantage of her to hurt Tyler in a way she also helped with? Tyler of all people is already in such pain because of her. Because of what she had done. If she would just leave them all, the troubles with leave too. No one actually really needed her. She was always dragging along or being used for something stupid, just like she was – stupid. The stupid, blond, barbie vampire who can't take care of herself or anything that mattered. She had ruined her relationship with Tyler, ruined her true relationship with her best friends... It was all too much. It banged hard in her head and once again she felt like it was going to explode.
It had all turned around unbelievable fast. It was strange. First she was all fallen for Tyler and then she practically jumped into Klaus' lap trying to get some comfort after a small fight before even thinking it through. She was always so stupid and narrow-minded. This time Tyler would not take her back, she knew it had all been too tough. She herself knew how she had looked at Klaus and she had totally turned against Tyler and taking Klaus' side. It was her fault they even began to fight with each other.
She was also such a huge hypocrite. No wonder Elena had been strict to her lately. She had almost mocked Damon and Elena's relationship, while starting her own with an even worse person.
It was so much to take in. Caroline even hoped that they wouldn't come looking for her so that she could kill herself slowly and painful, like she deserved.
Should I kill myself? No, wasn't that a bit too dramatic? Like always she was overreacting on everything, but this time... She wasn't sure if she was. It hurt so much and the worst part was knowing how she must have got other people to feel. She had killed a person, a human. It was true what people say – vampires are nothing but monsters. And she was one.
At last, she swum to the shore and took deep breaths as she walked up on the beach. Her mind was determined to do end the pain and thereafter end others too. She broke off a branch from a tree and scuffed into her stomach as she shrieked. Her body fell to the ground as she dragged out the stick to press it right through her body again. It was almost like she started to feel the inner pain go away as she penetrated the wood through her skin and flesh once again. It started to burn when it touched her and the physical pain was felt. With a loud shout she slowly took it out and closed her eyes. Tears streamed down her face and would soon to be joined with the blood on her neck as she brought it up below her jaw.
As she was about to press down the tip and drag it down to her shoulders to leave an open wound, she saw Klaus' smile in front of her eyes, Tyler laugh, Elena and Bonnie dancing around, her mother tucking her in at night, Matt holding hands with her... She was seeing happiness and joy. For a split second it got her shaky hand to pause with the branch right above her skin. She felt the blood flooding from her stomach and coughed. It hurt. The inner pain was almost gone as she saw people around her smiling.
The physical pain was taking over her instead. Her legs were going numb and her head was dizzy. Both her arms were shaking like crazy. No tears left her eyes anymore. It was in some way nice. It wasn't as painful as before. It felt like peace.
Outer sounds started to become unclear. Her heart was beating slower and slower, though she felt her wounds also healing. The arm that hold the branch fell to the ground and let it roll away out of her hand.
Though her resent terrible feelings and truthful remarks, she couldn't help but picturing her and Klaus together. They were laughing and he held her tight in his arms. He kissed her forehead gently as they giggled. The last thing she thought about was that it wasn't her fault. It was what it was. And it was Klaus now. She couldn't deny it anymore.
A loud laugh uttered from her mouth. I'm so stupid. "I'm an idiot" , she screamed as she continued to laugh. No matter how bad she had acted towards others or how much it had hurt for both herself and for someone else, it wasn't as bad as she had thought. As always she had overreacted and it made her guffaw as much as she could before her eyes closed shut.
"Caroline" , it echoed around her from a frightened voice. She immediately stopped to laugh as it ringed in her ears. It brought her back to reality and again she felt regret filling her up. She flicked her eyes open. Around her was a puddle of blood. What have I done? This wasn't right either. She needed to face her problem and stop running away from them. Why couldn't she just do something smart for a change?
"What is wrong with me?" , she whispered to herself. One thing that struck her was that, she was not going to fear her problems, but be strong and fix them. Fix herself. This wasn't the way she was going to end, nor did she ever wanted to feel that kind of pain again or see it.
"Caroline! Caroline" , the shouts became louder and nearer, but she didn't care. All she did was to keep laying down and breathed.
She would never feel that way again. Never.