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Grasping a Chance 13: Bonding Efforts
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Redline watched the strange foursome that had grown so close in less than four vorns. It was warming how far the strangers had come to honestly accepting the ways of the city. It was no longer an effort to get away from watchers in his opinion. The pair had decided to stay and they were no longer holding on to what they had before. Or rather, what was driving Prowl to run had been rooted out and now with free will the Praxian had embraced the opportunity the city represented. With him Jazz came willingly. The former pilot, and Dai Atlas was sure Special Operations mech, was loyal to Prowl. It wasn't ideal, but they did trust Prowl to be honest and predictable within the bounds of his programming, so it was good enough.

"All right, you can go," Redline looked at the two guardians, who startled slightly. Wing opened his mouth to argue, but a black hand on his shoulder made him go silent. A meaningful look passed between Wing and Thorn, and the younger jet nodded reluctantly.

After the Knights left, Redline focused on his patients. "Are you both confident you know how to try and form a bond?"

"Yes," Prowl answered for himself. He had committed every bit of it to tier-1 priority. There would be no mistakes on his part.

Jazz nodded, serious as well. "Yes." He wanted this to work, for both of them. Wanted Prowl to have that feeling of never being alone that the other mech craved, wanted the reassurance of being wanted and needed always for himself. Wanted the stability they were both hoping it would provide.

The big medic stepped up to them and put a hand on each shoulder. "I'll do all I can to help this to work," he promised with all the weight of his titles behind it. Both medic and Knight spoke the same promise with the same intent.

"Thank you," Prowl said quietly. "Is there anything to do before we begin?"

"Just hooking up the sensors to alert me in case anything goes wrong," Redline motioned them to the medical berth and its extra collection of monitors.

"What is likely to happen if something does go wrong?" Prowl asked calmly.

Jazz hopped up on the end of the berth, dataports cover sliding back to allow Prowl to settle first and listened to Redline outline the potential risks once more.

"If the bond does not take the two of you will likely have to be physically separated. I have help on standby in case it is needed." Redline began as he started hooking monitors up to Prowl.

Prowl glance at Jazz before laying on the berth and opening his dataports as well. "Worst case, are either of us likely to display significant distress?" He hesitated. "You know we're both capable of significant violence if provoked, particularly Jazz."

"I have very strong, capable help on call." Redline assured him as he ran a check on the monitors connected to Prowl, making sure that all of them were functioning properly and establishing a baseline. "We are prepared, even if you do react violently."

He turned to Jazz, starting on the other mech with the same smooth professionalism. "What sort of medical intervention is needed will depend on how both of you react, and what goes wrong. Hopefully all I will have to do is hand you both a cube of high grade once the initial bond forms."

"Plan for the best, anticipate for the worst, mitigate what you can," Prowl summed up the tactician's oath, his frame relaxed. "I do not wish anyone damaged because of this. It is good you have help ready on the small probability that you can not subdue us yourself."

Redline checked the hook-up for Jazz and nodded in satisfaction at the reading that he got back. "Do you have more questions?"

"No," Prowl unlocked his chest plates and extended a hand, beckoning and offering to Jazz to join him. "I wish to begin."

The other mech moved forward smoothly, catching Prowl in a kiss that was more intended to calm him than anything else. Without hesitation Prowl kissed him back just as ardently as he had the night of their last merge. Strong black hands moved along Jazz's back, cupped his aft, then came back up to stroke the elegant sensor horns.

"I want you to be with me always," Prowl's whisper was spoken from every level of his being.

"Want to be with you." Jazz murmured in turn as he focused on Prowl, blocking out everything else. The hum of the machines, Redline's presence nearby, the bright wall of the medical room all faded as Jazz's awareness narrowed to the mech under him, the warmth of the spark that he could already feel as he offered his own, and the desire he had to touch it always.

Prowl's spark reached out eagerly. This mech, this act, always meant pleasure and joy and peace. It was only Prowl's extreme focus on how to form the bond that was different. This merge was not for pleasure. It was to do a job. It didn't make him shudder any less when the first tendrils connected with the familiar blue across from him.

There was an answering sigh of pleasure from Jazz at the first touch, and insight into his own focus as he lowered his frame slowly, self control guiding the merge into a smooth connection between now familiar sparks. ~You feel so good.~ He whispered across the connection, as though speaking any louder would be distracting. ~Can't wait to feel this all the time.~

Prowl's answering moan rewarded the thought, but it was the rush of heat that really spoke to how much Prowl wanted that. His charge was already peaking with occasional spikes about that artificially controlled level.

He wanted like nothing else.

~Want you, your spark, always touching, always there,~ Prowl's mental voice was nearly a keen with how badly he wanted.

~Take it.~ Jazz offered, sinking lower and deepening the connection, offering all that he was to the other mech. ~Give me yours. Want to be us.~

What would have been an impossibility mere vorns before shown with bright hope before them. A future, one without fear, without war, and filled with hope and promise.

Prowl's spark, his awareness, his history, his hopes, fears, pains and joys were laid out for Jazz. Though they both knew they wouldn't remember more than tidbits when it was over, it was an intense vulnerability, and where most attempts to bond faltered.

Soothing acceptance caressed Prowl's spark as Jazz accepted everything that was offered, treasuring what was being given and offering in return. Having Prowl meant never having to deal with any of that alone again, more than worth the price. He couldn't even muster being surprised when even his darkest memories were accepted, care soothing the most painful edges.

Prowl knew him, had witnessed the worst he had done, and found nothing to turn away from. It was from Prowl's memories that Jazz understood. It wasn't just that Prowl loved him so he accepted him, Prowl had ordered many of those missions, whether or not Jazz went on them. Prowl, as part of Praxus, had witnessed, quite literally, every evil one mecha did to another. He did not, could not, see one act and judge it. It had to be put in full context of the lives that led up to it.

Even here Prowl was a tactician. Yet in the coldness of that function was an acceptance so total that Jazz could barely grasp it was real. And yet in a way it was another one of the that made them so perfectly suited for each other, balanced them in all their darkness and quirks, and made them able to accept what possibly no other mecha could.

~Ready?~ Jazz asked softly, centered and quiet, prepared. And wanting with all his spark.

~Yes,~ Prowl reached out with his arms and his spark, channeling all the energy he could draw into his spark towards forging that permanent connection with the spark jointed to his own.

In the first six nanokliks he knew that his concern of not being able to provide enough energy was true. Their only hope was that Jazz could make up the difference somehow. Energy flooded across the connection, a rising current as the mech on the other end threw everything he had and more at the connection, desperate to make it work. Despite trying everything he knew how, Prowl couldn't stop his systems from doing their function to protect his all-important tac-net, draining the charge away as quickly as it came. It was only with a full spark-to-spark overload that it couldn't cope, and that was only for a few nanokliks and a fraction of the energy pumped into him.

A soft, agonized keen rose from Prowl, answered by a much weaker but no less distressed wail from Jazz. They struggled blindly but in a full panic as strong hands moved to separate them. Suddenly Prowl went limp and dark, though his spark was still very much trying to hold onto the spark being dragged away from it.

~Jazz. Be still.~ A deep rumble of pure authority penetrated Jazz's weakened awareness as the merge ended. He saw Prowl's spark, still bright and strong, as automatic systems locked it away within Prowl's chest.

~No. Need...~ Denial rose against the authority, a rebelliousness that was a part of his very nature struggling against the authority in spirit, since his frame had nothing left to give. His entire consciousness focused on the mech he needed but couldn't reach. Distress and pure pain radiated from his spark.

The authority didn't reply, but strong hands didn't give up as Jazz was laid on a berth and the universe dissolved into spark-centric agony.

SxSxSxSxSxSxSxSx S===================S SxSxSxSxSxSxSxS

Jazz first awareness was that he was going through a medical boot up. The second thing he was aware of was that he didn't care. All he cared about the aching sense that something was missing, and he desperately needed to find it. Some part of that need calmed when Prowl's field washed over him, pulsing into him with reassurance, care, and a lingering deep grief that was mostly an apology.

Fragments of memory started to connect in his processor, and Jazz struggled to boot faster, field reaching out as soon as it was no longer hindered by the medical overrides. Need, confusion, want and affection pushed through his field. Prowl responded with reassurance, desire, affection and need. And pain. So much pain that echoed Jazz's own.

A finger ghosted over Prowl's favorite dataport along with a sense of pleading. It took a moment for the request to register, but Jazz was forcing the cover open as soon as it did. The connection flooded him with a sense of Prowl and so much of his distress calmed.

~I'm so sorry, love. I should have anticipated what happened,~ Prowl's apology spilled over in words, emotions and the absolutely terrifying sight of three experienced medics fighting to stop Jazz's spark from guttering while Axe held Prowl firmly away from the activity.

~I wanted it.~ Jazz argued, still confused, working through what had happened, what Prowl was showing him. ~Not all your fault. I-I wasn't strong enough. If I was stronger...~ Jazz's voice faded some as his energy fluctuated, throwing him off though not lessen any of the guilt traveling across the connection.

~Not your fault,~ Prowl said firmly. ~It was my systems that prevented...~ he shuddered, only belatedly realizing that he was overriding some of his own survival protocols to help stabilize Jazz, and doing so without conscious effort. ~Don't leave me,~ he whispered, desperate. ~I failed the bond, but I still want you.~

~Not going anywhere.~ Stubbornness rang in the response as he leaned into the stabilizing presence, borrowing Prowl's ability to focus and organize. ~Want you...~ His focus shifted out again, his spark flaring, looking for something.

~I couldn't give enough energy,~ Prowl whispered. ~It didn't stabilize. Your spark nearly guttered trying.~

The failure finally processed, and Jazz keened softly at the sense of failure that hit again, the unconscious agony from before he went under stasis rising again. There was no fear or concern for himself, the sensation of having failed Prowl overriding the need for self-preservation.

~Sorry.~

~It was not your failure,~ Prowl repeated firmly. ~We survive. We'll make this work.~

Jazz's entire frame trembled as he worked through that. They were alive. They had survived, no matter what his spark was crying. ~Yes. Yes. Please.~ He agreed, reaching for Prowl, as his motor systems finally onlined.

"Don't cover his spark." The order came from nearby. Redline.

"I won't," Prowl promised even as he got on the berth and pressed close. ~I love you. I want you. This is not the end. It is only one option of several.~

Jazz curled into him as much as his weakened state would allow, not really processing the medic's words and not caring. His entire focus was on the frame next to his, the field weaving deeply with his own. ~Stay.~ He pleaded, systems starting to shut down in a more normal recharge despite his efforts to fight it.

~For as long as you want me,~ Prowl promised. ~Recharge. I will be here when you reboot.~

SxSxSxSxSxSxSxSx S===================S SxSxSxSxSxSxSxS

It was good to finally come out of recharge and online his optics to something besides the pristine walls of the medical ward. Warnings flashed at him that his systems wanted energon, but for the moment Jazz dismissed them, curling into the warm frame wrapped around his and reassuring his panicking spark that Prowl was really there.

Strong black hands stroked his back and Prowl's steady field pulsed into him, adding to the reassurance. "Energon?" Prowl offered as much as instructed, shifting them both to a more upright posture that would make drinking easier.

"Please." Jazz sighed, nuzzling at the other mech neck and shoulder as his arms wrapped around Prowl, holding him close. He eagerly accepted it when Prowl offered to feed him, holding the cube so Jazz could continue to hold him. With energy readings back to normal, Jazz let out of sigh of relief, then a soft moan when Prowl tipped their helms for a long, tender but chaste kiss.

"I am very sorry for what you went through," Prowl murmured, his guilt spark deep.

"Shouldn't be." Jazz argued, relaxing against Prowl. "We decided to risk it. It was my choice."

Prowl claimed another gentle kiss as he tried to put together the right response. They parted slowly, with several small kisses. "Your choice, but my failure. I kept hearing you scream even in stasis."

Sadness rippled through the mingled fields. "Sorry. Don't want you to suffer." A small shudder ran through Jazz's frame at the memory of that pain. Agony that had overcome every effort of his to hold it in.

"Shu, I know," Prowl whispered with another gentle kiss. "Just as I didn't want you to suffer. It happened. Now we know much more and can plan our future accordingly."

"You have a plan?" Jazz asked, more asking for the details than the literal words of the questions. Planning was what Prowl did. Jazz just wanted to know where they were going next.

A tender, affectionate kiss was the first answer. "Whatever we need to, to remain together," came next. "I am going to ask for what I have no right to," he murmured, shamed and guilty but also far more afraid than Jazz had ever felt. It was the fear that ruled, and it was something Jazz understood. He could push back, force Prowl to respond and negotiate as a tactician, or he could accept what Prowl's fear dictated. Either way, it was Jazz's choice from the wording.

Instead Jazz nuzzled against him. "Tell me what you need." He knew what his spark wanted, what he wanted, but Prowl still came first.

Prowl lowered his helm to gently touch forehelms. "I need you. I need ... want ... your spark. However I can get it."

"Merging." Jazz summed up. "I will try, with others." He sighed, gathering himself to reason through this. "There is Wing, and Thorn. And possibly Demeter, if she is willing. I will find some way."

Prowl kissed him, gratitude and relief deep in his field. "How can I repay you?"

"Remind you want me, need me, often. Even when we can't have what we want." Jazz asked, frame trembling at his own selfishness, of asking this of his lover.

His love.

Another tremble and a soft keen as that truth thrust to the front of his processor, against everything that had once made him Jazz, but what made him Jazz now.

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archiveofourown org/works/631313/chapters/1269760