Okay, so I finished the fifteenth and sixteenth chapters in one day. I'm gonna go for another one, so that rather than leave you all waiting for months I can actually update a little more regularly. Sound good? I think so! So onto the next. As usual, hope you enjoy it - I have a feeling I'm going to really enjoy writing this chapter, and I hope you like reading it as much as I'll enjoy creating it.

Chapter Seventeen - Over

Dr. Cox POV

I had to hand it to the kid, he waited a lot longer to get on my case about not arranging any 'meetings' than I wanted to give him credit for. It was a few days after the meal and Jordan's very accurate realisation of what was going on that he finally got in contact.

Joanna (01:27) So is it over?

I clenched my jaw. I hadn't even told him that Jordan had figured it out, and I didn't particularly want to. He'd want to know all of the little details, and it was those that I didn't want him hearing about - not for his sake, of course. It was a purely selfish desire to keep the information from him, and I wasn't ashamed of it. Not of the holding back part, anyway. Still. I knew that I at least owed him a reply.

There's nothing to BE over, Gwyneth.

Joanna (01:33) No, of course not. How could I forget that it was 'nothing' when you so adamantly stress it in both actions and words?

There was that sassiness again. I paused, tapping my thumb against the buttons as I considered what to reply.

"Did he finally give in?" Jordan walked into the living room, despite having gone to bed two hours earlier - I nodded once, watching as she perched at the other end of the couch. "What did he say?"

"He wanted to know if 'it' was over."

She half-smiled. "What did you say back? No wait, let me guess… that there was never anything to begin with."

I grinned, without feeling. "As always, you know me better than anyone."

Shrugging, she clasped her hands together. "Aren't you supposed to be going on some four-day trip with him somewhere out of town?"

The way she phrased it made me snort.

"It's not like we're going away to be together, Jordan. Bobbo gives the orders, and some of the time I have to follow them."

"Like you don't want to go."

I shook my head. I didn't. I didn't want to go. The last thing I wanted was for Newbie to be across the hall from me in a hotel far away from anything familiar, with Carla breathing down my neck at every opportunity. "I don't have the energy for it."

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"So is it?"

"Is it what?"

Jordan looked at my cell pointedly. "Over."

I threw the phone onto the couch, leaning forward and balancing my elbows on my legs, burrowing my head in my hands. "I don't know. It's not like I've actively thought about it."

This she seemed to accept. "No, I guess you wouldn't want to do that. I bet you avoid thinking about him at all costs, right?"

"Goes without saying."

"You should reply to him," she said, standing up again and making her way back to the bedroom. "He'll want to know in time for the long weekend."

I twisted in my seat to face her. "Jordan, wait."

She turned.

"I do love you. You can't forget that."

A smile. It seemed genuine enough, if not a bit tired. "I know. I just didn't realise how… exhausting it would be wondering what's going on with you and him all the time."

I couldn't stop my eyebrow from rising. "Nothing's going on. That's clear enough, surely?"

"I know you haven't met up with him for whatever it is you want from him in the last few days, but that doesn't mean that something isn't happening. The lack of communication says that much."

Damn it. She's right.

Resting my forehead on my hands momentarily, I shut my eyes. "I wish you weren't so observant sometimes."

"Shouldn't have fallen in love with me then." Said in a teasing way.

"You know what the say… you can't help who you fall for."

She opened the bedroom door and paused.

"Yep Perry. You're right. You can't." The door closed behind her.

With a sigh, I turned back to my cell, re-reading the message from Lois. It confirmed too much, yet made things so much less clear that it made my head spin. Well, that and the half-bottle of scotch I'd tipped down my throat that evening.

You were the one who first mentioned it being temporary, Holly. Not that I disagree with you, but that's the truth of it.

Joanna (01:45) Yeah, I did. Thanks for making things clear for me now. I'm going to sleep. See you at the hotel.

Two days. Two days until that damned trip. I had to clear things up before then, I didn't have the patience to deal with his whiny, neurotic angst up until then. I hesitated for barely more than two seconds before I scrolled to his name in my phone book and pressed the 'Call' button.

Five rings. Six rings. Seven rings. Eight rings.

"Hey, you've reached the voicemail of J-dizzle in the hooouse! Leave a name and message and I'll shizzle your dizzle on the to-mizzle! PEACE!" Bleeeeeep.

Good god, the man was an idiot. I pressed Call again.

Five rings. Six rings. Seven rings. Eight rings.

"Hey, you've reached the voice-"

"Goddammit Newbie, pick up your goddamned phone!" I hissed, hanging up and trying again.

Five rings. Six rings. Seven -

A moment of silence, before,

"What do you want, Dr. Cox? I'm trying to sleep."

I rolled my eyes to the empty room. "You only just stopped texting me, don't be such a baby."

An exasperated sigh. "What do you want?"

"I want to clear up this mess before the trip."

He laughed sarcastically; it sounded uncharacteristic, and odd on the other end of a phone. "What mess? As far as I was aware, this was nothing anyway. So there's nothing to clear up. Now I really want to sleep, so please leave me alone -"

"Be quiet," I growled, leaning forward. "If you wanted to sleep you could've turned your phone off, so don't give me that crap. Now you knew before that this was a temporary thing, and as I already said, you were the one to make that official -"

"I said what you wanted to hear!" he cried; I could hear the rustling of covers as he probably sat up in bed. "You know that, don't play around and pretend that you don't. It's pointless."

Yes, I knew.

"What do you want me to say, Newbie?"

I could hear the frustration in his voice as he replied. I liked it. "Oh for gods sake… I don't want to have to tell you what to say! Say whatever you damn well like, because I'm well and truly sick of having to guide you through this."

I choked on this; him guide me?!

"Listen here Delilah, you've guided me through fuck all! Who kissed who first? Who kept you at arms length? Who was the one who moved your hand over my cock the first time because you didn't know how, huh? Who was the one -"

"Yeah, bravo for all of those things," he sneered. It didn't sit right, that tone. If he'd have been in front of me, there would've been definite pinning-up-against-the-wall, and not in the good way that we'd become accustomed to. "Well done for assaulting me, scaring me enough that when you kissed me I couldn't run away. Well done for pushing me away when all I wanted was a bit of reassurance and a few answers. Above everything, thank you for letting me fuck you with my hand enough times that now all I can goddamned think about is the way you look at me when you're about to come all over my hand."

Against my will, I felt myself start to harden at the thought of it. "Don't get all smart-ass with me Newbie, or -"

"Or what?" He kept interrupting me. It was getting to be a bit of a problem for my temper. "Let's think, what did you do the last few times I did something when you told me not to… oh of course, you pinned me up against a wall and slid your hand over my erection until I came! Oh, and the last time? When I went behind your back and called a surgical consult when you didn't see any need and specifically told me not to? Ah, how could I forget - you took me into Kelso's office, bent me over the desk and got me off at the same time that you got yourself off. You came alllll over my back. How silly of me to misplace that wonderful example of teaching."

I was virtually wordless. Here he was, berating me for those times when I knew he'd happily do them all over again… patronising me… deliberately angering me… and yet my cock was as hard as any time he'd been physically opposite me. It was uncomfortable.

"Newbie, look, just calm down -"

"I don't want to calm down."

"No, you're not getting me, you have to stop talking about those things."

He laughed that sarcastic laugh again. "Oh right, so we can forget about them completely because that big massive load of 'nothing' is now officially over."

A low growl escaped the back of my throat. "I didn't say that."

"So… we're still going to meet up for a quick hand-fuck every day at work? Lucky me. I'm honoured that you'd spare so much precious time for me."

Hand-fuck… I could do with one of those. I reached forward and cupped my hand over the visible outline of myself, shifting my ass forward on the couch a little. Just the slightest pressure felt good…

"Nothing to say to that, huh?" He carried on talking, completely unaware of what I was doing. I kind of liked it. I was torn between anger and wanting to hand-jive away the massive problem ever-growing in my pants, and the longer he talked, the longer I had to decide which I'd go for. "You hate seeing yourself for who you truly are. I can't believe how stupid I've been, truly. Do you know, every time you've wanked me off in the last two weeks all I could think about was how lucky I was? You put your hands in my pants and it made my day!"

He had to stop this. As much as he was saying this from anger, all it made me feel was the need to wrap my hand around myself and get to work.

"Course, wrapping your tongue around me felt good too -"

My hand started moving of its own accord over the top of my sweats.

"But I bet that disgusts you now, doesn't it? That's why you're so quiet? The mere thought of me putting my dick in your mouth just makes you sick to even think about it. Well guess what Perry?"

I was working hard on controlling my breathing - for some reason, this was turning me on an insane amount, and I knew I wouldn't last all that long. My breathing was already turning shallower, louder.

He continued. "I fucked you dry with my hand too. And you're not the only one who got down on your knees; do you remember the first time, Dr. Cox? Just a gentle push of my shoulders and I was down, ready to do your bidding? What about this… how I pulled you out of your boxers and you were so hard it was painful. The second I touched my lips to the tip of you, you couldn't help but let out a groan - yep, that's right, I remember. How could I forget? Your hands on the back of my head, pushing yourself deep into my mouth, slowly moving back and forth - and I let you. I was like your fucking whore, letting you screw my mouth."

He sounded like he was almost in tears, and there was a frenzied edge to his tone - but I couldn't care less at that point. All I could do was move my hand over myself, harder, faster, a rhythm that was bringing more and more intensity to the happy ending that I was just waiting for. My breathing was getting louder.

"You went so far down my throat that I couldn't breathe!" Yep, he was definitely crying - but the imagery was too strong, remembering how I had felt was too vivid. "You came in my mouth and I took it all like your good little bitch. I drank every last goddamned DROP!"

A little groan escaped my lips. Suddenly, he was silent. For a few seconds, I stilled my moving hand, wondering what he had heard, wondering if he knew.

"…what are you…"

Silence.

"Newbie," I whispered hoarsely into the mouthpiece. "Newbie, I -"

"I get it," he said bitterly. I waited. Did he get it? "Yeah, I get it. You're using me again. You want me to be your whore over the phone instead? Want me to tell you that I've been 'naughty' again and that I need you to punish me?"

His tone was heavily sarcastic and all wrong, but still his words seemed to have an effect on me. The breathing picked up again, and my hand let itself start once more. I was pretty damned close, and if he carried on… well.

"You're a truly sadistic bastard if you're getting off to hearing my pain, Dr. Cox. But I'll humour you."

Suddenly the desire was gone. I was still hard, but I had no want whatsoever to pleasure myself now - not know that he had been so frank. Not now that I could truly hear the pain in his voice.

Shit.

"Newbie, no, wait -"

"I've got my cock in my hand, Dr. Cox. I've wrapped my fingers around it the way I like you to wrap yours around mine."

I got harder; the desire lessened even more. "Stop it."

"This is what you want, so I'm going to give it to you. I'm going to make myself come over the phone, so you can hear it. I'm going to cry all over my fucking erection - who knows, maybe it'll make a good lubricant whilst I'm getting myself off?"

I felt a stabbing of sickness in my stomach. I was actually making myself feel sick for knowing I had driven him to this. "You don't have to do this, we can just talk."

His breathing was getting heavier. "No, I'm… I'm doing it. I'm doing it for you. Won't you enjoy it? The sounds of me pleasuring myself? Don't you like it?"

The mixture of anger and desperation that flooded me was unfamiliar, horrendous and sickening.

"No, I don't like it. I'm asking you, please, to stop it."

Newbie laughed - it was a breathless laugh, mixed with something that sounded a little like a groan. "If I'd have told you to stop it, would you have done? Or would you have carried on?"

"I may be sadistic kid, but you're something like a masochist if you're getting pleasure out of imagining me forcing you into it, kid," I said, my voice suddenly quiet and, dare I say it, pleading. "Just stop what you're doing and let's talk about this properly."

"NO!" A mixture of a yell and a groan. A tiny, strangled sob afterwards. Was he doing this on purpose, to drive me insane? Did he want me to come to his apartment and tie him down so he couldn't do anything like it again? "I want to do it, I want to."

I buried my face into one of my hands. "You sound like you've gone crazy, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Suddenly, silence. It went on, and on, and on, to the point where I looked at the screen of my cell to see if he had shut the call off. No, he was still there according to the screen…

"Newbie?"

"I'm sorry."

His voice was quiet, too quiet - the breathlessness had gone, though it was clear that he was still crying, regardless of how silent his tears might be. My fists clenched. "Why the hell are you apologising?"

He stuttered a defeated laugh. "Because I've done this all wrong."

I blinked. "You? You've done this all wrong?"

"All I wanted to do was what you wanted. But I took it too far."

That I could agree with. "Look, kid, do you want me to come over?" I could hardly believe the words were escaping my lips. "You don't sound too great."

"Please," he whispered. Instantly I stood up, heading to the door. But then I listened properly. "Please don't."

I froze.

"I can't do this any more, Dr. Cox. I just… I can't. Don't make me."

"I'm… I'm not making you do anything. I never made you do anything!"

Silence again, before he managed to push out a few more words. "You didn't mean to, but in the end it was going to happen."

I ran my fingers through my hair, leaning against the wall. "Newbie, I swear to god if you'd said you didn't want to do this anymore I would've let you walk away."

"That's the problem."

I hesitated. "…what's the problem?"

"I couldn't have walked away even if you'd told me to."

And that's when it got too real for me.

JD POV

How could I tell him that the very reason I was crying and acting like a crazy person in the middle of the night was because I loved him too much to let him go, but too much to stay the way we were? How could I possibly tell the man who was now completely silent after what I had just said that if he stopped giving me even a little of himself anymore I would probably shut down completely?

After practically promising otherwise, how could I tell him that I wanted him to love me even a tiny bit as much as I loved him?

"You're… not going to say anything for the rest of this phone call, are you?"

Silence.

"Okay, in that case, I'll make this easy for the both of us." Well, easy for him. Literally heart-numbing for me. "We have to stop this. Now. This whole… clandestine sex-but-not-sex situation, it's too complicated and… someone's going to end up getting hurt." Yeah. Me. Too late for that. "So… that's it. We'll just go back to you pretending you hate me at work and me pretending to love you at work. Well, not pretending - no, wait," I said, stumbling over my words as I realised I had crossed my own wires and had literally just revealed something I had never wanted him to get his hands on. Hopefully he wouldn't notice. "I meant pretending to look up to you."

He cleared his throat. "So is it a pretence then? Or not?"

I didn't know which he was asking about: pretending to love him, or pretending to look up to him. I decided to just answer both. "No, it's not a pretence. It's pretty damned real - which I'm sure you already know anyway."

"Hmmph."

I hesitated.

"You understand that… that we're not to… do things anymore?"

He snorted. "Yeah Newbie, I get it. Back to how it used to be. You pretend you're my protégé and I remind you that you're just a royal pain in my ass."

It was as if nothing had ever changed.

I felt the ice slowly creep into my ventricles.

"So."

Silence.

"I'm gonna head off to sleep now. I'm, ummm, pretty tired." I considered just hanging up and not waiting for his reply. I held on for a few seconds.

"Right then."

The dial tone met my ear.

Yep.

Completely back to normal.

Just in time for the trip.

I lay back on the bed, placing my phone lightly on the bedside table, waiting.

Nothing.

Just… breathing.

In and out.

In and out.

In and out.

Dr Cox POV

I waited to feel something.

Nothing.

I waited for the flood of relief.

Nothing.

I waited for something.

Anything.

The haze of uncertainty hit me in a wave.

Anything but that.