Ha. Three chapters finished in a 24 hour period. At least I'm being productive and will be able to update for y'all a little more often than usual.

I found the last chapter difficult to write, what with JD forcing himself to do something he thought Dr. Cox wanted - particularly as I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time. But, I'll admit, writing it was interesting; for the first time, Dr. Cox actually showed real emotion towards JD… a good sign? Hmmm, maybe… but maybe not so much. You'll have to keep reading and find out. ;-)

So my darlings, on with the eighteenth chapter. As always, thank you for the wonderful reviews and I hope the story is, if not everything you want it to be, entertaining and believable enough that you can, like I do, imagine it was if it were a real episode. ONWARDS, MY COMRADES OF SLASHY GOODNESS!

Chapter Eighteen - Numb

Carla POV

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times before - I am never riding in the same car with Turk and JD again.

I could live with the same CD playing over and over again - their 'road trip' anthems, including 'Don't Stop Believin' by Journey and 'Greased Lightening' by John Travolta (I've never had to tell Turk to keep his hands on the wheel so much in my life) - and I could even deal with the many stops we had to make so that JD could get more pop-rocks.

The one thing I couldn't deal with?

Their 'road trip' clothes.

Matching 'road trip' clothes.

Worse still?

Matching. Denim. Overalls.

Adding, of course, their stupid 'Vanilla Bear MD' and 'Chocolate Bear MD' badges that somehow got past Dr. Kelso during their creation for this trip, the bandanas and, finally, the wristbands with 'I Heart Sacred Heart' on them and you could see why I was so embarrassed.

By the time we arrived, I was exhausted from practically driving the steering wheel from the backseat of the car, and eager to get to the room to unwind before the first set of presentations were to begin. JD leapt out of the car and stretched, a big grin on his face as he stared up at the hotel in front of us - I didn't blame him. We were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by grass, trees and nothing more, and standing in its midst was the Goldmeadow Hotel, a huge and imposing building that looked like it had leapt from a book of fairytales or something… It was massive, old and beautiful, with different buildings spread around a huge courtyard adorned with colourful flowers, with a giant fountain as its centrepiece. From the brochure we had been forced to read (so we knew where we'd be going), the hotel's many features included a spa, three restaurants, horse-riding, dancing lessons of all kinds, formal dinners every night (we were required to go to at least one) and finally, the one that Turk and JD were most excited about, a gigantic maze set in the many acres of land surrounding the hotel.

All in all?

It felt more like being in a honeymoon destination than a work one.

With a smile, Turk came around to the other side of the car and wrapped his arm around me, following my gaze as I stared up at it in awe. "It'll be like a second honeymoon, baby. Every night, I am your slave."

I rolled my eyes - sex was the last thing on my mind. I glanced over at JD, who was dragging the two huge suitcases he had packed ("Who knows what opportunities might arise?") out of the trunk of the car. He'd been extra light-hearted recently, full of smiles these last two days, cracking jokes left, right and centre - and was totally full of crap. He didn't think anyone noticed the little moments inbetween all of those - like now, for instance. He stared up at the hotel, clutching the sleeves of the white shirt underneath the overalls, looking so vulnerable that I had to force myself to stay put.

Something had happened, and I would find out what.

We eventually got to the front desk after entering a set of revolving doors (three times, I might add - JD decided to 'forget' when to walk out of them). We attracted a lot of attention, though I knew it wasn't me - I was dressed to fit into this kind of environment in a black skirt, deep purple blouse and black pumps. No, it was Dumb and Dumber behind me that were attracting the gazes of the upper-middle-class people surrounding us, and they did nothing to deflect it - instead, they ran around like children, pointing at the chandeliers, the sweeping double staircase, the deep, thick, plush red carpets…

I sighed.

"We're part of the Sacred Heart party, I think everyone else has arrived already?" Not probably. Definitely, if the amount of stops we made are anything to go by. "I'm Carla Espinosa-Turk, and this is -"

"Dr. John Dorian and Dr. Christopher Turk?" The woman behind the desk smiled wryly at me. "Yes, we were… told that you'd be arriving soon after."

I smiled wearily. "You mean warned?"

The slight tilt of her head confirmed it - she didn't seem too bothered. She'd probably been faced with worse. I hoped so, anyway.

"Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk are rooming in 105 and 107 in the Thornwood Suites, aaand… let's see, you're in room 125 in the Willow Suites."

Her smile failed to comprehend my look of surprise.

"I'm not in the same room as my husband?"

"I'm sorry, there wasn't a request on the booking form to share a room," she said apologetically, biting her lip. "I could always re-room you both so you're sharing…?"

I leant forward. "You have no idea how grateful I am to have my own room. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband but a queen bed all to myself? I'm not going to complain."

She laughed.

"If you could play along for me, though?"

"Of course."

I turned to Turk, who was sauntering over expectantly. "So where are we roomed, baby?" He moved closer. "I've got the hankering for some Latina Love…"

I pasted on a grimace. "I'm sorry Turk, but they haven't got us down for sharing, and because of the hospital rules, no one's meant to room together. Isn't that right?" I glanced at the woman, who was nodding and looking appropriately apologetic.

Turk pouted.

"But baby, how am I gonna sleep without you by my side?"

"Hey Turk, we're in the same building!" JD had come forward and was grasping the key card with a goofy grin on his face. Turk turned to me, pout replaced with the same sort of apologetic expression the concierge had used.

"I… suppose I can live with it though. If it's the rules and everything."

With a quick kiss, leaving my suitcase beside me and without offering help, he and JD made their way to their building.

I sighed again and turned to the helpful woman at the desk.

"Could someone give me a hand with this?"

X X X X X

Dr. Cox POV

"To sum up; research shows that pending a solution to these problems in the treatment of a pulmonary embolism, the use of anticoagulants should be conservative, and greater efforts should and hopefully will be made to establish a diagnosis. Thank you."

I couldn't be assed to answer questions. Instead, I walked straight off of the podium, ignoring the daggers thrown from old Bobbo's eyes and headed towards the bar. A few people came and patted my shoulder, congratulating me, apparently eager to discuss what I had said - like I had any interest in that. I brushed off their comments, signalling to the bartender to serve me what they'd already come to establish as my usual - a shot of scotch - and let my eyes rove the room.

Just as I'd thought. No one of any interest.

I'd only been at this place for five hours, and already I was bored out of my skull; the people were boring, the company even worse - Leventhal had already tried conversing with me on several occasions, only to be shot down with a simple sarcastic remark. Apparently his 'infamous' sense of humour didn't include derision.

I took out my phone for lack of a better thing to do whilst I was waiting for my scotch.

Jordan (12:09) Hope you got there safe. Call me when you're done for the day.

Sighing, I put my phone back in my pocket. Jordan had become… odd. Rather than distance herself from me as I did with her after finding sexual gratification elsewhere, she'd made an attempt to push herself closer, and as much as I tried to respond, nothing seemed to be enough. We'd had sex more times in the last few days then we'd had in the last month beforehand, and the amount of times she'd told me she loved me…

It was a complicated situation, even though I knew it shouldn't be. It should have been as simple as every other day of our marriage.

"Perry, I won't bother with the small talk." Kelso came up behind me, looking every bit as old and cantankerous as every other old person in the room. "Tomorrow you're expected to go to the formal dinner in the Grand Hall. You and Dorian."

"Well that's just dandy."

"Don't bother with sarcasm, I'm not interested. I expect to see you and him in your tuxes by the main staircase at eight sharp."

"Whatever, Bob."

As he walked away, I couldn't ignore the stab of frustration in my chest. Now I had to dress up in a penguin suit and play nice with all of the over-dressed, stuck up idiots? Worse still, with the kid?

Not my idea of a fun night.

I threw the scotch down my throat, making a quick exit through the back entrance to avoid being called upon by the assholes who had assigned us to this godforsaken hotel in the first place. I dodged eye-contact with every person I passed, not stopping until I reached the door of my room - carelessly I swiped the key card through the slot, pushing open the door and locking it behind me.

On the table by the couch in the living area (I had to hand it to the board, they hadn't held back - the suite I was placed in was huge) was a list of all the things I could do to entertain myself: swimming; golfing, tennis, an in-room massage - definitely not spoiled for choice. A few of them tempted me, and I was halfway to the phone to book a few sports sessions when two figures caught my eye outside in the courtyard.

JD.

Wait a second, when the hell did I start thinking of him by his nickname? I shook my head hard, reaching for the receiver but… no. I stopped again, my eyes roving without my permission to look out of the window again. Ghandi and Newbie were ambling towards what I could only assume was the direction of the maze (no surprise there), talking about god knows what.

For a moment I stared, watching their easy movements around each other, the smile on the kid's face, the blatant happiness he was feeling.

I forced myself to pick up the phone, impassively turning from the window.

JD POV

"Dude, I gotta ask you something."

Turk's tone was hesitant - instantly I knew what it would be regarding, and I plastered a smile on my face. "Sure buddy, what's up?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets.

"You and Cox."

I waited.

"Are you… is there something going on between you?" I could tell how much he hadn't wanted to ask, but I couldn't blame him for wanting to know - he was my best friend, yet he was completely kept out of the loop. I felt a little twinge of guilt, realising how much I'd abandoned him these last few weeks.

"Nope. We're as we always were."

His tone was disbelieving. "Really?"

"Yeah. Why, what did you think was going on?"

He shrugged, clearly unsure if he should say what was on his mind. I nudged him with my shoulder. "I don't know. You've just been kind of distant lately, and you lock yourself up in your room pretty much as soon as you get home, so… I dunno, I just wondered if he was anything to do with it."

Turk was apparently more observant than I'd wanted to give him credit for.

"What I should have said is… things are the same as ever now."

He glanced at me.

"They weren't before?"

I shook my head, refusing to meet his eyes. If I was going to tell him even a little of what had been going on, I couldn't look at him. "Things were sort of happening, y'know, in secret."

He stayed silent, waiting.

"I won't go into details, 'cos believe me, you don't wanna hear them -" He half-shrugged, but that was enough to let me know that such details wouldn't be gratefully received. "But yeah, for a few weeks things were… going on. But not anymore."

"Did he break it off?"

I couldn't help but laugh at his assumption. It was a weird laugh. Sort of… empty. "You'd think so, but no… it was me."

The look of surprise he shot me confirmed that both he and Carla had probably have thought otherwise. "Did he hurt you?" Suddenly his demeanour became both defensive and protective. "I'll kick his ass."

Shaking my head, I put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's cool, Turk, he didn't hurt me. I just decided that enough was enough."

We walked in silence for a few minutes, both of us mulling over our thoughts, before he spoke again. He sounded slightly relieved. "I'm kinda glad. Don't get me wrong, I was happy if you were happy, but I didn't want it going too far."

I hoped to god he didn't mean sexually. "Too far?"

"Yeah, y'know. Like, falling in love with each other or something." He snorted. "As if he's actually capable of those sorts of emotions."

My fists clenched of their own accord. "Mmm."

My lack of real response made him take a proper look at me, eyebrow raised. "He didn't fall in love with you, did he? Dude, that's big!"

My stomach tightened, but the rush of emotions I expected every time I actively thought of him not giving a shit didn't come - as usual. Somehow I'd properly shut myself off. Somehow I'd got what I wanted, but at the same time everything I'd trade for one more attempt with him.

"He didn't fall in love with me."

Turk stopped walking. "But… you?"

I shrugged, carrying on walking, expecting him to follow. When he didn't rejoin my side, I stopped and turned - he was just staring at me, eyes slightly narrowed.

"You did, didn't you?"

I went to shrug again, but failed. I met his gaze. "I don't know."

He walked up to me, placing his hands on my shoulders.

"Do you really not know, or are you insanely in denial?"

"What is it with you Turk's and denial?" I said, forcing a grin - to no avail. His expression was serious and clear in its message: don't bullshit me. So I didn't.

"I loved him," I said simply. "I didn't give myself a chance to fall for him when I knew he wouldn't fall for me back - or even care about me at all."

My best friend nodded his head slowly. "So that's why you broke it off."

"Yeah."

I had hoped that after saying all of these things aloud that it would take away the immense pressure it had on my shoulders - and chest - day after day, but instead there was the ever-becoming-familiar numb quality. He seemed to notice this, and looked at me with even more concern than before.

"Dude, you're broken."

"I guess I am."

"I'll kill that bastard for letting you think you had a chance."

I rounded on him - not violently, but I was suddenly filled with such vigour that I couldn't help it. "Was I really being that ignorant then? Because I'm happy to tell you that no matter how many times I told myself he would never feel the same in the millions years, I still had a little ray of hope, the tiniest little shining ray. Deep, deep, deep down I really thought that…" I stopped. He squeezed my shoulder lightly.

"Doesn't change anything, V-bear. He somehow gave you that hope, no matter how false it was."

"He didn't, Turk," I replied bitterly, turning away and starting to walk again. "He never said or did anything that made me think that he might have feelings for me. I just…" I shut my eyes tightly. "I kidded myself into believing something impossible, as always."

"You are pretty good at that."

I half-grinned. Even if I didn't feel anything positive - or anything that could be attributed to a feeling at all, at least in regards to Dr. Cox - I was suddenly overwhelmingly grateful for Turk. I found myself wondering why I hadn't spoken about it to him before.

"Thanks, Turk."

He shrugged his shoulders casually, a small smile on his face. "It's what I'm here for JD, you know that. Just don't forget it next time, okay?"

I nodded. "I'll try."

X X X X X

The rest of the day we filled up with conferences, talks and general schmoozing of the hospital - by the end of it, I was exhausted. The idea of that queen bed just waiting all crisp and soft was a blessing.

Just as I went to enter my building, a voice came from behind me.

"Kelso wants us to go to the formal dinner tomorrow night. Be in your penguin suit and by the stairs at eight."

I didn't bother turning around to face him. "Sure." I pulled open the door.

"Enjoying your stay so far?"

What did he care? I half-turned, glancing at him momentarily. "It's okay."

A few moments of awkward silence. Lovely. He didn't seem to be leaving either, which set me on edge. I turned wholly towards him.

"Was there something you wanted, Dr. Cox?"

For a second his eyes looked me up and down, a small sneer appearing on his lips from obviously taking in what I was wearing. I felt nothing. "Other than to question your ever-concerning fashion habits, no, not particularly."

I shrugged. "Then I'll be going."

He rolled his eyes, folding his arms. Where once upon a time this gesture would concern me, knowing it was going to introduce a tirade of some kind, it just tired me out even more - I shoved my hands deep in my pockets, waiting.

"So much for going back to normal then, kid."

The laugh that escaped my lips was unfamiliar. I genuinely couldn't recognise it as my own voice. "There's nothing normal about this situation, so I don't see why you'd just expect things to go back as they were."

"You were the one who made it this way, Newbie, so don't go getting all pissy. Grow a pair and at least make an effort."

I gritted my teeth.

"Like you made an effort these last three weeks?" No. I didn't want to talk about it. "Look, let's just get this trip over and done with, with as little contact as possible. If you can manage that."

His snort, the one full of derision and judgement had no effect whatsoever.

"With pleasure, milady."

With that, he turned and went in the direction of his own building, the one adjacent to mine - I watched him go, still waiting for that rush of emotion.

Nothing.

Slipping inside my room and locking the door behind me, I found myself idly staring out of the huge window, the light of the moon coming in and across my bed. Almost on auto-pilot, I made my way over to it, bathing myself in it as I stared across the acres of land that stretched all around. It was a beautiful place. It was the kind of place I'd always imagined going to for my honeymoon.

Something clicked inside of me.

"GODAMMIT!" The sound of my yell filled my ears, deafening me, piercing through the numbness. I picked up the four pillows, throwing them at the wall - the dull 'flump' as they landed on the carpet made it worse. I threw my fist at the wall, violently pushed over the bedside table, kicked the door to the bathroom as hard as I could - nothing could alleviate the pain that was coursing through me.

"YOU BASTARD, I HATE YOU!"

I shouldn't yell, I should be quiet and hide myself away until tomorrow night but I couldn't, the realisation of what could never be was stabbing at my chest, a blunt knife repeatedly hacking away - why did it hurt so badly?! Three weeks was nothing, three weeks of nothing - I hated him, hated myself, hated everyone that had assumed what was happening and hadn't stopped it.

I loved him.

"WHY CAN'T YOU LOVE ME?" The shouts were stunted by my breathing - I crumpled to the floor, head in my hands as the tears, hot as fire, fell down my cheeks, burning the regret and loss into my skin like a branding iron. I bent low, connecting my head with the carpet and rocking back and forth, howling like a child at losing something that was never mine to try to take in the first place.

It wasn't until hours later that I realised that Turk's arms were around me, holding me close, saying nothing but being, as he had always been, the guardian angel to my personal hell.