Chapter Twenty - Figure
JD POV
Even I had to admit it.
The tux looked good.
"You look so sweet, Bambi," Carla practically cooed, shifting me around with her hands and looking me up and down with a critical eye. "I honestly can say that if I wasn't with Turk I'd probably fall in love with you in that."
I grinned at her via the mirror. "Really? Do you think Lesley will like it?"
With a fond smile she nodded, resting her hands on my shoulders. "If she doesn't, she's clearly a lesbian."
Then 'Les' would be perfect for her…
"What time are you meeting her?"
I checked my watch. "Damn, in five minutes - are you sure this waistcoat is okay? I wasn't sure whether to bring the grey one or the black one -"
"The grey one looks nice, JD, don't worry. It makes your eyes look sort of silvery."
I flashed another grin at her, feeling more confident with every breath. I could do this. "Thanks, Carla. Are you sure you don't want to come?"
She sighed. "I'd love to, but Turk has other ideas. And I wish I was talking about sex."
I nodded sympathetically. "I saw, the hotel serves brinner. I'm sorry."
We smiled at each other, and not for the first time I found myself feeling incredibly lucky to have her in my life. Turk couldn't have picked better.
She turned me around so that I was facing her. "Are you ready for this?"
I didn't have to ask to know that she wasn't just talking about the dinner and Lesley.
"I've got to be."
With a final, encouraging smile and pat on the back, she hedged me out of the room and handed me my key card. "If you need me, I'm a text message away."
I knew it. I leant down and kissed her on the cheek, hoping that the action conveyed just how grateful I was to her; then, with increasing confidence and in equal measure, consternation, I made my way to the stairs. Right at the top, waiting with her hands demurely in her lap, was Lesley. She looked, in a word, amazing - her strawberry blonde hair fell in waves over her back and shoulders, her face flawlessly applied with subtle make-up - just enough to enhance her features - and sheathed in a floor-length coffee-coloured dress that hugged her curves and made her instantly look taller.
I smiled at her, taking her hand in mine and lifting it for a kiss. Oh yeah, that's smooth. I felt like Jack in Titanic…
"Well, Miss… Lesley, I'm sorry, I don't know your surname."
She laughed, bells and silvery things sounding from her throat. She really was incredibly attractive, in everything. "It's Thompson."
"Miss Thompson, are you ready to descend the stairs?"
She inclined her head, playing along with the game. "I am, Dr. Dorian. Shall we?"
I kept a hold of her hand, going a step in front of her as I led her down each step - walking down the stairs was awesome, once again being reminded of Jack in Titanic (I would have to watch that film when I got home) whilst taking care not to go too fast and cause her to trip in her scarily high heels. I realised just how tiny she was when she still only managed to come up to my ear-lobe.
We reached the bottom, both of us nodding regally to people as they passed, earning an imperial few back - at one point we accidentally met the other's eye, causing us to erupt into a fit of giggles and grasp each others arms in an attempt to silence us from our childish amusements; I suddenly felt much better about the entire situation, confidence levels shooting through the roof. Not only was this girl beautiful, she was playing along with my little games without hesitating for a second - she was perfect.
Almost.
And THAT was when I made the mistake of glancing up at the stairs.
Dr. Cox was descending the stairs at a quicker pace than we had done, yet somehow miraculously maintaining the look of someone who has better places to be - his tux, black with a waistcoat disturbingly similar to mine fit him so flawlessly, so painstakingly striking against the deep red of the staircase, that a lump appeared in my throat.
"Is that your friend from earlier on today?" Lesley whispered, looking at him with as much awe as I was. I nodded, dumbstruck as he reached the bottom of the stairs and turned his attention directly onto me..
His eyes skated over to Lesley and then back, hardening.
The lump in my throat grew.
"Good evening, Dr. Cox," I practically squeaked, suddenly reaching out to grab Lesley's hand - I needed all the support I could get when he was looking at me like that. "Will Dr. Kelso and the board members be joining us soon?"
He looked away and towards the hall. "Yep."
Lesley tugged on my hand lightly - I looked down at her. Her eyes went from mine to rest on Dr. Cox, questioning his cold attitude. I shrugged, pretending I had no idea why he was suddenly so icy - then again, it wasn't much of a pretence. We hadn't been told that we were allowed a 'date', and he hadn't brought one - most likely he was pissed off at me for bringing someone and making him look like an idiot for having no one.
That or he was jealous.
My stomach fizzed gleefully at the idea of it.
I forced myself to stand a little taller. "Dr. Cox, this is Lesley Thompson - she was one of our riding instructors today."
The look he shot me was horrible - it froze my insides, making me want to crouch behind my date and wait until he went away again.
But then he turned his attention to her.
"Miss Thompson, it's a pleasure," he said smoothly, a small smile forming on his lips. "No doubt you're tired after our drama earlier on today, it was good of you to come."
Clearly surprised at this change too, Lesley smiled brightly and extended her hand to him to shake - instead, he took it much as I had and kissed it, holding her eyes with his until the very last moment, allowing her to take it back.
My jaw dropped in both frustration, jealousy and miffed-ness at being outplayed.
"Thank you very much, Dr. Cox - I wouldn't have missed it for the world. John was kind enough to invite me before his… accident," she said, grinning a cheeky smile at me. "I'm very much looking forward to it, I haven't been to many of these formal dinners."
His eyes shot up, playing surprised. "Is that so? Well, I'm sure John and I will do our best to make it so that you won't forget it." A warm smile in her direction. I took care to not let my fists clench. I couldn't miss the delighted smile he received in return, and wondered how it was that he could charm anyone, yet chose to make my life hell.
Bastard.
"Dr. Cox, Dr. Dorian."
Kelso had arrived with this posse of board members; each of them in turn looked from Cox, to me, to Lesley - she edged backwards slightly, overwhelmed at the male attention she was receiving. Dr. Kelso in particular was taking a disturbingly close interest.
"I do apologise young lady, we don't appear to have been introduced," he smarmed in what I liked to call his 'Pervetastic' tone. "I'm Robert Kelso, Dr. Robert Kelso, Chief of Medicine for Sacred Heart Hospital."
I stepped forward. "Sir, this is Lesley Thompson - she's a riding instructor here at the hotel."
A devilish smile - I no longer felt like a pervert for finding a twenty-three year old attractive, not when Kelso was clearly feeling the same way. "Perhaps one day before I leave you can teach me your style of riding."
Somehow the sexual implications were lost on her - or maybe she was just good at acting? "It would be my pleasure, sir."
Kelso shot me a look of commendation, before turning to face the board.
"Shall we, gentleman?"
We made our way into the huge banquet hall, chandeliers and over-dressed people aplenty - it was a magnificent room.
"This is so Titanic," Lesley murmured beside me, her eyes taking in everything as discreetly as she could manage. "They clearly watched that film and redecorated."
Not for the first time that evening I found myself looking at her with increasing interest. Perfection, at least for me, didn't get much closer than this.
"I say we do some exploring later, see if we can't find a bunch of Irish musicians to dance in front of," I whispered back, grinning at her as we were led to a table at the back of the room, near the bar and the terrace. "I hope you've got your ballet shoes on…"
She erupted into a fit of silent giggles, doing her best to suppress them as we sat at the table - as we settled down, a man on a podium in the very center of the room stood and clinked his glass to call us to attention; we all looked towards him, Lesley still shuddering with laughter beside me.
"Welcome, one and all, to this evening's formal Dinner and Dance!" Lesley and I looked at each other in horror; clearly she wasn't one for dancing either. "I am thrilled to announce the presence of the doctors and board members of Sacred Heart hospital." He gestured towards us, an embarrassing amount of applause coming from the room at large. The girl I was steadily becoming fond of beside me clapped a little, winking. "Please enjoy your evening, Ladies and Gentleman, and do not hesitate to dance the night away, if you so wish." With a flourishing bow (how tacky, even for me) he descended the stage and everyone's conversations started up once again.
Lesley rolled her eyes at me. "Okay, enough speeches, when does the food get here?"
Dr. Cox (who, by some miracle, I had forgotten was even present and, by some misfortune, was sitting on my left-hand side) leant over and flashed a smile at her. "Tell me about it; these places really know how to bore you enough that you spend a fortune at the bar."
She laughed, fiddling with her napkin and placing it on her lap - he leant back again, ignoring me and focusing his attention on the waiter who had made his way around to take our orders. I glanced at the menu in front of me, but found that I couldn't concentrate, for the life of me - this was so awkward! I picked two dishes at random for my starter and main course, pointing at them so I wouldn't get the pronunciation wrong - Lesley did the same, flashing her eyes up at me as if to let me know that I wasn't the only one. I smiled at her, glad she was here, even if I knew nothing about her other than her name, age and occupation.
X X X X X
"So, John! Your long weekend seems to have got a whole lot better, wouldn't you say?"
Dr. Cox's voice sounded both mocking and drunk, as he ambled towards me on the terrace where Lesley and I had escaped to after dinner to get to know each other a little better, though at the moment (unfortunately) I was alone after she demanded that it was her round of drinks. I stiffened beside him, sipping my beer and shrugging.
"She's a nice girl."
His derivative snort was so expected that I failed to feel anything from it. It was the usual story - he mocked me, I pretended I didn't care… same old, same old.
"She's more than a nice girl, John -" his repeating of my real name was starting to grate on my nerves, as it had done all night when talking to Lesley across from me. "She's a hot little piece. She'll give you a good time tonight, no doubt."
I turned away from him slightly, rolling my eyes. "Sure."
He leant his back against the railings, eyeing me. "You don't sound so sure there."
He was really starting to piss me off.
"Having sex with her isn't really on the forefront of my mind, Perry."
Ha. Perry.
"Why the hell not? I would. If you're not interested, I'll happily take the responsibility off of your back."
I turned to face him properly, anger heating me from inside. "Then feel free, I really don't care either way."
His responding grin didn't help my emotions whatsoever. "Course you do, it would kill you if I took her back to my room right now and gave her a good seeing to -"
"Then do it, Dr. Cox, just go in there and sweep her off of her feet! Clearly you don't care if I care, so why don't you just get it over with and stop tormenting me?" I exploded, slamming my bottle down on the little round table next to me. "I've given up! Are you happy now?"
He pursed his lips, intently meeting my gaze without flinching. "Given up on what, exactly?"
I DON'T want to do this now. "Given up waiting to see even a glimpse of you actually giving a shit whether I'm happy or not."
"No offence, Johnny, but entertaining the idea that I might 'give a shit' was stupid in the first place, doncha think?"
I pushed myself off of the railings and made to walk away from him. "Whatever, just do what you want."
His hand shot out, grabbing my painful wrist and yanking me to a stop - I wrenched myself from his grasp, the pain of it searing through and giving my anger a new burn. "WHAT? What is it you want from me? Do you want to look at me as I crumble in front of you? You're good at that, actually, you do that really well, so feel free! Feel free to follow me from the room, over to my building and into my bedroom, feel absolutely goddamned at liberty to watch me fall apart as you do absolutely nothing to stop it."
He was suddenly right in front of me, eyes blazing. "You know what, kid, I'm not the only one who's good at pretending not to notice the obvious!" Dr. Cox's breath was hot on my face; he smelt of scotch, of alcohol, of frustration.
"I can't be expected to figure out what's going on in your head all the time - why should I have to do it when you show no interest whatsoever in knowing what's going on in mine? You're so good at head-fucking that to even assume what's going on in that messed-up mind of yours is completely and utterly pointless, so please, PLEASE, just leave me to get over you in peace!" I went to leave again, but his body blocked me - he was breathing hard, eyes still afire, still completely and utterly focused on me. His hands reached out, grabbing me by the lapels of my tuxedo jacket, yanking me closer.
"You're not allowed to get over me."
I struggled against him. "Don't DO this to me, I -" I tried to get myself away by violently moving against his grip, but nothing.
" - I don't want to love you like this anymore!" I shoved at his chest, hard - a shove not dissimilar to the one that had started this whole thing - and managed to pull myself from his grip. He stepped back, keeping his balance, his hands still clenched in front of him.
The gaze that met mine was powerful.
The realisation that I had just told him I loved him was even more so.
A tiny intake of breath from behind me alerted me to the fact that we were no longer alone. I turned in what felt like slow motion, facing Lesley who stood, eyes wide, a drink in each hand.
"I see," she said simply, blinking fast, working things out in her mind. "I see."
I lowered my head, unable to met her frank and open eyes. "Lesley, I -"
"No John, it's fine," she said, her tone strangely casual despite what she had just witnessed. "I was thinking of turning in anyway." Without stopping her stride, she leant over to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek, before turning her eyes onto Dr. Cox. Her hazel gaze hardened.
"Goodnight then, doctor."
He nodded stiffly to her, making his way around the both of our bodies and losing himself in the mass of people in the hall - I let my eyes drift back to her, apologies ripe on my tongue. She shook her head.
"Don't. We'll talk another time."
With that, she turned and walked in the same direction as Dr. Cox, still holding the drinks that she had bought for us, still looking stunningly beautiful amidst the crowd of black and white.
My heart stuttered to a halt for a few moments, before I finally forced my lead-filled legs to follow in their footsteps.
I thought of nothing, of nothings as I made my way across the courtyard to my room, my head buzzing with all that had just happened, my stomach spasming over and over as I recalled the words I had let go to the man I had intended them for, yet had never intended to admit to. Blindly, without really knowing what I was doing, I unlocked the door to my room and fell into it, not bothering to even close the door. I crawled over to the bed, staying knelt beside it, simply resting my head on it and clenching my fists closed and open, closed and open, repeating the action in a desperate attempt to make my aching chest regain its calm. I couldn't feel my heart, couldn't feel its beating and it was from that that I knew the words I'd let slip from inside had gone and ripped it from its core, throwing it at the feet of someone who would never think to return it.
A door closed behind me.
A pair of hands, strong, capable hands wrapped themselves over the top of my arms, gradually pulling me to my feet - a whisper in the back of my mind thanked Turk for arriving at the right moment again, wishing at the same time that he didn't have to see me like this - I was broken before, but now I was simply ash, burnt out from the emotions I had created and witnessed. There was nothing he could say or do that would make me feel whole again - no one could, nothing.
Turk carefully unhooked the jacket from around my shoulders, sliding it down my arms, knowing somehow that silence was imperative at that second, minute and moment in time - I heard the sound of it hit the floor, a little shushing sound that was too loud in the silence, too abrupt and too sharp. I forced my body to turn itself around, my lips forming a 'thank you' that I knew would probably not be voiced, incapable of even the simplest of words -
The strong, capable hands lifted and cupped my face between them.
Not Turk.
My eyes filled with tears against my better judgement - he moved forward, leaning his forehead against mine, shaking his head in the tiniest movements, back and forth.
"Don't cry, for the love of god: don't cry."
His voice was low, quieter than I had ever heard it, and full of something I had never heard from him before - regret. His skin was warm against mine, cold from the night air outside, his breath on my face still warm with the scent of scotch. His thumbs, on the hands that still framed my face so gently, were lightly brushing at my cheeks, rough against the soft, delicate skin.
A huge breath left me, shuddering me entire body as the tears started to fall.
Don't do this to me, don't do this…
His lips met mine in a kiss softer than I had ever known them, capturing mine and making them his own once again, separating so that I could feel the heat of his breath lingering between us - I couldn't move forward to close the tiny gap, couldn't meet his kiss, couldn't respond how I once did automatically.
A whisper escaped me. "Please don't do this, don't do this, not now -"
Dr. Cox brushed his lips over mine again, his hands moving back slightly so that his fingers were threaded through my hair, moving my face so that his lips could press closer to his own - I was shaking my head in tiny movements, side to side, tears hot on my cheeks again.
"Please stop, I can't handle it -"
His hands left my hair, trailing down until they met the bow-tie at the top of my shirt; leisurely he pulled it until it came loose. He slid it from underneath my collar and dropped it to the floor, never stopping his kiss, never moving away from me. My chest ached from the contact, wondering how he could have possibly come here to rip me apart even more. His lips shifted mine apart, his breath mingling with mine as he simply moved his lips over mine, not quite kissing but instead just letting me feel the light pressure of his lips on me.
I took in another deep breath, shuddering once more. Maybe if I just didn't react he would stop.
His fingers pushed the top button of my shirt from its hole, letting his fingertips stroke the skin it revealed before moving onto the next - unhurriedly he undid each and every one until his fingers had trailed the length of my chest, to the waistband of my trousers.
He made no move to undo them.
Kissing me properly again with a little more movement than before, he ran his palms from my stomach to my shoulders, the rough warmth of it making my body treacherously respond - but I kept it quiet. I shut my eyes, determined not to give into his sadistic desire to break me down even further as he shifted the shirt from my shoulders, pushing it down my arms all the while saying nothing about the way I failed to respond. Maybe that's what he wanted. To dominate me completely. The way he had wanted to before.
The kiss stopped and for one wild moment I thought that he would leave and let me go free, but instead he leant his forehead against my temple, breathing against me, his right hand moving from his side. Lightly, so light that it was like a second breath against me, he skated his fingertips from the top of my shoulder and down the length of my arm, raising goose-bumps and managing to making my breathing a little less smooth - I kept my eyes closed, refusing to look at him and concede that he had elicited a reaction from me, regardless of how small.
His head turned, and his left arm made the same motion, so gentle that I couldn't help but wonder if I'd seriously mistaken this and it wasn't him. I opened my eyes.
Dr. Cox's burning gaze met mine.
"Why are you doing this?" My voice was tiny, a pathetic whisper.
His hands, which had been lingering on my wrists, moved down and captured my own hands, using them to pull me closer to him, his lips meeting mine once again - this was insane, absolutely insane. All I had to do was call out Turk's name and he would come running, would get rid of Dr. Cox from my room - from my life - and I could just move on. Finally, I could drive myself to get over him.
Now his hands were moving in the direction I had been waiting for; they unbuckled my belt, the metal clicking as he slid it from the bands holding them against my trousers - another sound that was too loud in the silence of the room. He dropped the belt to the floor with his right hand, his left working the button and zipper on the waistband -
"Why?"
Still he gave no answer. The sound of the flies being undone made my breath hitch in my throat, my eyes darting down to where both of his hands were now fixing themselves around the waistband, edging them over my hips until they fell to the ground.
His eyes sought mine.
"Lay down."
I remained still. He moved his intense stare away, slipping his own jacket off and steadily stripping himself of his own clothes - I watched, torn with the combination of wanting to run and wanting to touch, as he straightened up once more, wearing just a pair of boxers and the same intense stare.
I bit my lip.
The tiniest of smiles alighted upon his face, his fingertips lifting to touch the part of my bottom lip where my teeth met it - I released my lip, eyes desperately searching his for an answer to all of this. I could do the usual thing of pretending it was all because he gave a shit, but it was far more likely that it was just another power play…
But this intensity…
"Lay down… please."
I couldn't stop myself, even though my head screamed at me to - I backed onto the bed, scooting myself backwards and then slowly, tentatively lying down, keeping my eyes on him. Without saying another word, he climbed onto the bed, legs apart as he nestled them on either side of my legs, moving until he was practically astride me. It was only then that I realised just how ridiculously hard I was, how much I had responded to him despite trying otherwise - I took in a few short, sharp breaths, waiting for him to make a move. Carefully, as if being careful so as not to put me on edge, he leant his body down until his chest met mine, hands on either side of my head to support himself.
When his lips met mine again, I didn't hold back.
Kissing Dr. Cox here, in this room, at this moment was different to every other time to now. His lips were still so softly pressing into mine, the movement not the usual hurried 'let's get this over with before someone catches us' kind of speed; instead, he was taking his time, taking my lower lip between his teeth and biting on it gently - I groaned lightly, loving the feel of it. He grinned - that beautiful crooked one that made my heart miss a few beats - and continued to kiss me. His tongue slipped between my lips, urging me to let him in; I didn't deny him, and as his tongue slid against mine, hot and somehow sweet, I felt my hands move up to wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to me, putting into every second of the kiss just how much this meant - both in pain and pleasure. His responding growl, almost a purr, somehow made me certain without words spoken that he understood and that the insistent way his tongue now darted and swirled around mine was his way of connecting with it. Whether he felt the same I didn't know, and finally, I didn't care.
He was as good at blocking out the bad thoughts as he was creating them.
As our breath mingled together, lust and a combination of my own love for him creating a taste unfamiliar to me, his left hand trailed down my chest, nails scraping lightly over my warm flesh as he moved towards his goal. The gentle pressure of him on top of me was already driving me near to insanity, and as soon as his fingers tantalisingly swept over the very tip of my erection I gasped, all of the held-back desire and attraction I had felt for him since the dinner we'd had before the trip dragging its way out of my throat and into reality. He did it again, his lips moving from mine to trail their way over my jaw and to my earlobe - I loved it when he did that, my ears were so sensitive… he knew it too, his teeth nipping at the edges of me, his breathing hard and laboured in the delicate shell of my ear.
His hand cupped my erection gently, his lips moving to my throat.
I shut my eyes.
A scorching whisper against my skin.
"Take your boxers off."
There was no hesitation in me as I did what he had asked of me. My hands went from where they had travelled to the smooth skin of his rippling shoulders to my own waistband, hooking my thumbs over the edge and easing them down as easily as I could with him still on top of me, his tongue and lips still on my neck as I pushed the material aside and lay naked both physically and emotionally beneath him. Dr. Cox pushed himself up onto his knees, looking down on my body with a hazed look in his eyes that was far more familiar to me - the look of lust was avid, smoking almost, and made my palms flatten themselves against the cool covers of the bed in an attempt to stop myself from yanking him back down to me.
His hands reached down to his own boxers. With the usual speed and grace that never failed to amaze me, he took them off and threw them to the end of the bed - we both watched as they slowly fell from the material of the sheets and to the floor.
He turned his gaze back to me again.
"I have to tell you…" his voice was a rasp, so low that it send shivers down my spine. "That if you don't touch me soon, I might explode."
Suddenly feeling inhibited, I placed my palm flat against his chest. He grinned again, making the breath hitch in my throat.
"Not there."
I felt myself flush, realising I should have understood what he meant straight away - but I made myself take my left hand from his chest and moving it little by little down his body until it brushed up against his impressive hard-on… he sighed, an expression of pure relief flashing across his face as he shut his eyes at the contact. He moved against my hand, urging me to do it again. I slid my hand over him, relishing in the heat of him in my hand as I curled my fingers around it - again, he sighed, but this one was laced with something far deeper, ending with that growl that made my stomach clench in a completely different way to when I had been desperately unhappy.
The furthest thing I was from right now was just that: unhappiness. What I felt, having him just with me, was the closest thing to bliss that I had felt in a very long time.
As I moved my hand lightly along the length of him, he leant down, breathing hard into my ear as he started to move his own hand in a similar rhythm. Without breaking his stride in his movements against me, he moved away, looking down on me as I lay completely vulnerable to him, awaiting his every move.
Something in his eyes changed.
Letting go of me, he moved so that his lips were on my shoulder, dragging his lips across them as his hands moved to touch my hips - they moved to meet him, but found themselves, rather than being caressed, being shifted.
I looked up at him, bewildered.
"Roll onto your front for me," he said, keeping his gaze on mine. Confused but willing to do practically anything he asked of me, I did so, feeling more than a little self-conscious as I exposed my backside in all its glory for him to see. No longer able to look at him, I pressed my cheek into the cool fabric beneath it, waiting for him to touch me again.
Firmly and with precision, he began to massage my back, starting at my shoulders - he didn't forget the ache in my shoulder, carefully moving across it so that though I could feel its tenderness, it felt good to have his warm hands putting light pressure onto it. I sighed in rapture, closing my eyes as he moved across the surface of my back, his hands becoming lighter and lighter in their touch as he moved lower and lower. Without warning, they drifted lower still, fingertips dotting onto the extremely sensitive cheeks of my rear and making my head shoot up and twist to look at him.
His eyes were focused completely and utterly on the area which he was touching.
I cleared my throat. "You don't have to touch me there, Dr. C-"
"Perry," he murmured. "Right now, I want you to call me Perry."
Regardless of the very intense situation I was in, the glee at him asking me this was immense. I grinned, and then remembered what I was supposed to be telling him - after all, even I felt a little weird with anyone paying such avid attention to my tush.
"Okay… Perry… you don't have to touch me, y'know… there." I felt incredibly stupid. "I can think of other areas you can play with…"
He let out a low growl of laughter, leaning down so that he could murmur into my ear - "Just play along with me for a while, would ya?"
I made a tiny noise of assent, relishing in the contact as he moved closer, his erect penis rubbing against my hip as he slowly moved his fingertips over the skin, once again giving me goose bumps. I shivered under his ministrations, my hips moving against the attention - that laugh again. I could listen to that laugh on repeat and it would never get boring.
One of his fingers skated across the gap between the two cheeks - I tensed up, my body moving away of its own accord at the odd feeling - he put on hand on my back, stopping me from moving away. "Humour me, Newbie, just for a little longer."
Fighting against my body's wishes, I relaxed my muscles and let him continue to caress me and occasionally run his finger over the smooth line inbetween - it felt weird. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad weird, but either way, no one had ever done it before and it made me half want to bolt and half want to stick around to see what would happen next.
I didn't need to wait long.
"Bring your knees up."
I felt as if I'd heard him wrong. "E-excuse me?"
The hands that started rubbing up my back were supposed to be soothing. "Bring. Your. Knees. Up."
"So I'm on all fours, you mean?!"
"That would be it, yes."
I did as he asked, but rather than follow his orders exactly, I shifted so that I was simply kneeling up, I turned my head a little to the side, so that I could see him again - he seemed perfectly serious. "But… why?"
Don't get me wrong, my head was telling me the answer but I wasn't quite sure I could believe it.
"Just do it, Newbie. Humour me again." He kissed me on the very base of my spine, making me shiver for the thousandth time that evening. His hand lightly rested on the top of my back, pushing me very carefully and very gently until I had placed my palms on the bedspread and was, as he had wanted me to be, on all fours.
Waiting for his next move was painfully long.
"Whatever I do next, don't stop me. Do you understand?"
How was I supposed to answer that?!
"Just let me try something. That's all I'm asking."
Almost unwillingly, I nodded.
"Now just relax for me."
"I am relaxed."
I could hear his grin in his tone as he replied, "I meant your ass, Newbie. Relax the muscles."
Somehow even his use of the word 'ass' sounded good; if I'd have said it, I would've sounded like a gay hooker.
Without even a word of warning, I felt him touch me, touch me somewhere incredibly inappropriate and made me want to wrench out from underneath him. I hissed in through my teeth.
"Wait a second - and don't move -"
He moved away from me, yet somehow I managed to force myself to stay put… just the memory of him touching me there had frozen me completely. My 'ass' had tensed up completely, and when he slid onto the bed behind me once again, one of his hands played a now familiar tune up and down my back.
"Just relax." They continued to caress my skin, his voice softer with each syllable. "I can't promise much, but I can at least promise that right now, and I mean just at this particular moment… I promise that you can trust me to try not to hurt you. In any way, shape or form."
He'd never made any sort of promises before. Against my will, I felt myself melt a little at the words and, in doing so, relaxing as he had asked me to.
A finger slowly circled that area again (I would not make myself sound any more like a hooker, even if it was in my head), but this time it felt different. Before I had a chance to figure out what the hell was going on, his middle finger had slid inside me up to the first knuckle. I bucked against him instinctively in an attempt to get it out, but instead managed to push it even further inside of me - whimpers escaped my throat and the fear from being penetrated somewhere so wrong made me shiver in repulsion.
He seemed to know it, too. He hesitated, not moving.
"Newbie, do you… do you want me to stop?"
I didn't answer - my mind was in overdrive, putting the pieces together as quickly as they could under the circumstances. Dr. Cox was almost definitely preparing me for something more, but that something more… we weren't supposed to. What was it he had said? That he would only have sex with someone he was serious about?
And he wanted to have sex with me.
Suddenly the repulsion, though still in the back of my mind, turned into something quite different.
"Dr. Co- Perry, if you stop now, I don't think I'll let you try again. If you want this… if this is really what you want -"
He moved back towards me, resting his chest light on my back, finger still very much inside me. "I don't want it to be just what I want, kid, I want it to be something we both want."
I laughed - the idea of him wanting me to want him was ridiculous; the laughter pushed his finger even further in, as far as it would go. I tensed around it, shuddering.
"Okay, you clearly don't want -"
"No, wait, wait, don't move!" I cried, reaching back with one of my hands and grasping his free hand - he did as I asked, not moving as I pulled him back closer to me. "I want… you?" It sounded like a question, though I knew that what I was saying was the complete and utter truth. "I want you, Perry, and this is the closest I'll probably ever get to it. If you stop now, then…" I couldn't finish the sentence. I didn't need to.
Carefully and with utmost tenderness, he began to move the finger inside of me, testing the waters. I wriggled, hating it, wanting him to just hold me and reassure me that he wouldn't ever do anything like this again, but if I even made the tiniest noise that sounded like I was uncomfortable, he would stop, and never attempt to be that close to me again. I suffered it, for him, and forced my lips to stay shut when he started to add a second finger. Stuffing the sheets into my mouth helped slightly.
"How does that feel?" he asked quietly, not sounding nearly as repulsed as I felt. I pulled the sheets from my mouth and said as nonchalantly as I could,
"Interesting?"
For a couple of seconds he stopped moving inside of me; his free hand reached around me and started to caress my erection again - I gasped a little, liking this kind of contact very much. "How about now?"
His fingers started shifting inside of me; for a few seconds I hesitated, shutting my eyes and trying to concentrate on what felt good against what felt insanely weird - but then he hit something. My muscles clenched hard, a wave of pleasure surging through me and making me see stars. "Holy shit…!"
He laughed, a deep laugh that made my back arch slightly at the wondrous tone of it. "I thought you'd like that."
"What was… what was that?" I was breathless, wanting to feel it again.
"That was your g-spot, Newbie. Want me to do it again?"
Hell YES I did. "Please… please, yes. It felt so -" Dr. Cox hit it again, making all the breath leave my body and my muscles spasm again. "Oh my god, that just feels… again, don't stop -"
"Actually I kind of had another plan."
His fingers slowly left me, shifting himself until he was directly behind me. Without warning, something far harder and far larger brushed against my butt - I jerked forward slightly, my head whipping around to see what he was doing. His erection, so hard and swollen it looked almost painful was poised where his fingers had been. Through the shock, horror and intrigue that was now coursing through my body, I vaguely acknowledged that somehow inbetween all of this he had put on a condom.
My stomach tightened for a different reason.
"You… you want…"
"Yes I want," he murmured, his voice a deep, sensual rumble in his throat that made my skin tingle. "I want."
"But -"
His fingers ran lightly over the frame of my back, making me shiver and relax. He pressed the edge of himself against the entrance he wanted access to. "If you don't want it, I'd say now. Because once I get started-" he leant his body over me, his chest against my back, his lips close to my ear, " - once I'm inside you I don't think I'll be able to stop."
I arched against him, the heat of him seeping through and into me - suddenly I was shaking, hard, my entire body uncontrollable despite my best efforts. Suddenly his hand was on top of mine, his arm stretched across me in an effort to hold it. I stilled.
"What do you want me to do, Newbie?"
My fingers stopped clenching the bed sheets, instead loosening and moving upwards to lace them through his. The move was so intimate, so unexpected that he would allow me to that I suddenly felt a wash of calm spread over me - though my body still shook, I knew what I would answer.
"Do it."
He shifted backwards again, taking my right hand in his. I leant further forward, resting my hot forehead against my arm and shifting so that I could keep my balance. What was I doing?! I'd never done anything like this before in my life and, in a way, it would my cries of heterosexuality even less viable -
His solid penis pressed against the nerve endings. I forced myself to stay still.
"…you have a choice in this. Don't, for the love of god, do this for my sake."
My eyes squeezed tightly shut. "If it's for your sake as well as mine, would you still do it?"
Dr. Cox didn't answer. Instead I felt his left hand leave my back for a second before he brought it back down, his fingers slipping inside of me again, this time wet from where he had brought them to his mouth first. I shuddered, not liking the way it felt too much when he wasn't hitting my g-spot but knowing that I'd have to endure a lot worse before it got better. He did it a few times, and it was after the fourth time that I suddenly realised that this wasn't going to be like sex.
This was going to hurt.
My hand squeezed his tightly, too tightly. "Please be -"
"I'll be as gentle as I can. I promised you, didn't I? That I wouldn't hurt you right now?"
I nodded, pressing my face harder into my arm, into the bed. His hand was back to resting on the skin just above where my ass started, his hips shifting forward slightly to press against my entrance once more.
Slowly, agonisingly, he slipped the very tip of himself inside of me. I hissed through my teeth.
"Just keep a hold of my hand, Newbie, and don't be afraid to use it."
The pain was terrible. He kept moving forwards, pushing himself into me until the head of his penis was inside of me and all I could think was please stop, please stop, please stop - again I just wanted him to hold me and kiss me, to reassure me that it was all okay and that he wouldn't do anything like this again… yet this was the closest I had been to being his and I couldn't forget that. No matter how much pain he was putting me in, that little voice on the edge of my mind reminded me that this was the closest to what I had wanted.
He slid in a little further - I heard him exhale hard. "Jesus, you're so… fucking… tight…"
The words were so akin to a porno that I couldn't help but laugh - big mistake. Though the muscles that he was working himself into tightened, it somehow jarred him so that he was even further into me. I keened low into the bedcovers, my fingers grasping his tightly as the pain worsened. I did NOT like this, not one bit! As I considered hazily that perhaps I should tell him to stop, his left hand moved down, across my hip and then to where my erection was still as hard as anything.
Lightly, he grasped me. My breath hissed out again, but this time it was from the strange mixture of pleasure and pain that I was experiencing, unsure whether I liked it or not - as he started to shift his hand up and down, he pushed more into me, surely breaking me in two with the size of him, the tiny cries that were shooting their way out of my throat a mixture of the ache that was making my muscles in my stomach hurt from tension and the undeniable pleasure of him touching me.
He suddenly thrust himself into me, hard. The noise that dragged out of my throat was practically a scream. Dr. Cox's voice was tense as he cursed.
"Fuck. Fuck. I'm…" he took in a deep breath. "I'm all the way inside you now."
My body trembled, hard. I couldn't answer.
"Newbie?"
Completely silent, the tears fell hot down my cheeks.
"You're… you're practically breaking my hand here. Are you…"
"You hurt me." My voice was pathetic - but he had, and he had promised not to.
"I…" he worked his fingers against mine, loosening my grasp and re-lacing our fingers together. "I couldn't help it, you're just so hot and tight, I…" He stopped - I heard him swallow. "It's like nothing I've ever felt before."
The reverence in his tone was obvious. I had given him a gift of some sort, and… well, if the gift was allowing him to hurt me for the sake of his pleasure then -
"I didn't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry. Just… let me make it up to you." His hand started working on my erection again, light movements that felt so beautiful that the tears fell harder. "Let me make you feel good, Newbie."
I made yet another choice - so many choices I had made that evening. I shifted forwards slightly, feeling him pull out of me slowly - before forcing myself back again so that he was once again in the very depths of my body.
The pain was still excruciating.
"Oh, fuck," he whispered, his hips starting to move. I could tell that he was holding back - his movements were slow, gentle, but the hand on my penis was shaking from exertion. He was being so careful, so gentle with me and alongside the feel of his hand on my erection and the tenderness he was showing towards me made me sigh slightly. He took the sound as a good sign, deepening his strokes slightly - for a few seconds I really, really wanted to tell him to be gentler but then, then he hit that spot again. My g-spot.
The feel of my g-pot practically vibrating from his contact with it and the hand that was still moving on my erection made my body jolt below him; all that seemed to do was push him in deeper, harder against the part inside of me that felt as if it were on fire from the pleasure it was giving me… I let out the tiniest of moans, still feeling raw, ragged, still in pain - yet the pleasure that was starting to build steadily began to override it. Soon I was panting, my hand gripping his, my own body moving in an attempt to make the amazing feeling continue.
"Newbie, I don't know how -"
His hand grasped impossibly tight onto mine.
" - how much longer I'm going to be able to hold on…"
Dr. Cox's voice was low, breathless, edged with that growl - it made my muscles tense. "I don't care," I gasped, the feel of his hand moving faster against me and gripping me harder making me fully aware that it was entirely possible I would come before him. "Just… just… for the love of god, Perry, don't stop!"
His thrusts became slow and deep - I knew instantly that he was going to come, that this was just him prolonging the fall; he hit my g-spot again, his thumb brushing over the tip of my penis at the same time - suddenly I lost all control. My muscles spasmed, again, again, again - I cried out, his name leaving a bittersweet taste on my lips as I came, not caring that we'd ruined the bed sheets, not caring that he hadn't come yet, not caring about anything but the fact that Dr. Cox was inside of me -
"Holy… shit, JD -"
I shut my eyes in pure joy as I felt him pulse inside of me; in that last sentence he had told me all that I needed to know. He hadn't been thinking of anyone else - not Jordan, not Lesley, not some other pretty girl - me, me, me. Just me.
His hand let go of mine, both of them slamming onto my hips and grasping tight has his orgasm subsided, his breathing ridiculously ragged, a drop of sweat from his temple falling onto my back. Slowly - and, admittedly, uncomfortably - he slid himself from me, collapsing to the side and rolling onto his back. I straightened up, suddenly embarrassed about my obscene nakedness and allowed my eyes to drift to him, looking at him. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling, his fists clenched at his side.
Oh, shit.
"Dr. Co -"
"Don't."
I bit my lip, my stomach twisting. He was going to leave again, grab his clothes and leave, escaping once again and leaving me with the horror, the guilt, the hatred - he didn't care he'd just pretended to and now I knew what love felt like and I hated it -
Suddenly he reared up and, without any warning, his arms folded themselves around me, arms enclosed at my sides as he crushed me against him. He lay back down, bringing me with him, holding me close…
Ummm…
What?
Dr. Cox loosened his grip on me but kept one arm slung over me as another came up to tangle his fingers within my hair; my heart was racing, faster even than throughout everything that had just happened.
We'd just had sex.
And now…
Now he was holding me?
"I don't understand." My voice was muffled against the skin of his chest. He laughed, the hand that was in my hair moving up as he rubbed his eyes. I watched, feeling vulnerable.
"I don't either, but that's worked out pretty well for us this last month or so."
I was still in shock, and unable to answer. He shut his eyes.
"I can't stay here tonight."
"…oh."
His arm tightened around me slightly. "It's just…" He sighed. "I have an almost-wife. I have a kid. I have a life outside of you, outside of this… whatever this is and I can't just go around doing this all the time."
I stiffened, feeling my body tremble slightly. My voice was monotonous as I replied,
"Maybe I should quit my job and move elsewhere. Then you wouldn't have to worry."
Again, Dr. Cox's grip tightened - it hurt a little.
"Newbie… JD… y'remember what I said to you a while back?"
"Come near me and I'll kill you?"
He laughed, a deep throaty laugh. "Not that."
"…you don't kiss guys?"
"Well, that's true but again, no."
I shrugged. "You've said a lot of things that I remember."
It made me shiver slightly to hear the blatant grin in his voice as he replied. "No shit. But… it doesn't matter," he continued, his muscles tensing - I knew he was about to leave. I hated that. "If you don't remember this particular phrase then maybe that's best."
He sat up, easing me off of him and standing up. In the two minutes it took for him to put his clothes on and get to the door, I couldn't even look at him - my heart had steadied to a low thrum, as if preparing to stop itself altogether.
Maybe this is how it was meant to be. Taking what he wanted and leaving without so much as a kind word.
You wanted this too.
"Do me a favour."
I flinched, imagining what this 'favour' would entail and how much pain it would bring me. "…okay…"
"Try and remember. It would make life a lot easier."
As the door clicked behind him, it clicked within me too. What had I thought of earlier, when he was kissing me, touching me, preparing me for what he had just done?
X X X X X
"You… don't want to have sex? As in, in the way that guys -"
"No need to go into detail, Yolanda, and yes, that is exactly what I mean. I don't do that. I don't want to do that with you."
"I get it."
"I don't think you do, Newbie. The reason I don't want to do it is because, as a rule, I only have sex with people I intend to become serious with or am already serious with. You, of course, do not come under either of those categories."
X X X X X
My heart skipped a beat.