The response to the last chapter has been IMMENSE. Thank you, wonderful people, for actually taking the time out of your day to read this account of JD and Cox's lurrrrrrrve - and for actually bothering to review it. You are, in two words, freaking AWESOME.

So. What say we move on to the next? Awww yeah!

Chapter Twenty-Three - Letters To You

Dr Cox POV

I watched, my whole damned body heavy as lead as I pulled away, Newbie opening his eyes and staring straight at me.

Suddenly my lungs completely emptied themselves. I felt… vulnerable and, hell, I hated it.

For a few seconds he simply stared at me, those big baby blues just focused wholly on my face as he clearly processed what I had just uttered - my fists started to clench again, open and closed, open and closed. A numb sort of panic was working its way up and down my arms, through to my chest; for one crazy moment I considered the possibility that I was having a heart attack.

I snorted.

He laughed.

Rapidly my eyes zeroed in on the way his lips separated as the sound escaped, watching the tiny tremors around his mouth and the way his eyes shut temporarily before flying back open and staring up at the exploding sky -

Wait, exploding sky?! What the hell is this kid doing to me?!

He shook his head slowly from side to side. "You so did not just say that."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously though, I mean… I know I'm crazy, but I honestly did not just hear you say that. Surely?" His eyes skidded back to mine, tears falling down his cheeks that I'm pretty sure he didn't even know about. "I… no, but seriously?"

My lips set themselves into a grim line. "Get it together, Newbie."

At least my voice was under control, even if the rest of me clearly wasn't.

"Get what together? Holy shit though. I'd ask you to repeat it but if you don't, I honestly think my heart might just tear in two -"

"You need to get a grip, kid."

A hysterical laugh bubbled out of him. "Aha, but no, see, that's why it's funny! Because… because I thought that if you told me that you didn't love me, that if you were just gonna leave me…" Another strange, high-pitched laugh. "I thought THAT would be what would make me lose grip, but it turns out, Dr. Cox, it turns out that you telling me that you love me is what's going to make me lose myself. Oh. Oho. That's just hilarious!"

Unnerved, I reached out and grasped him firmly by the arms, giving him a little shake. "Newbie, you seriously need to pull yourself together. Right now."

His eyes shifted from one side to the other, avoiding my gaze. "No, but… but y'see…"

"No, I don't see," I interrupted, frustration welling up inside of me. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he acting like the one who had just lost a dollar and found a penny? Surely that was my role after just admitting what I had? "I don't see."

JD tilted his head to one side slightly, finally meeting my gaze. "You just told me that you loved me."

My mouth set itself into that grim line again.

He blinked, suddenly looking confused. "Wait… you did say that, didn't you? You didn't say… you shove me or something…?"

I snorted again. "Yeah Newbie, I said I shove you. That's exactly what I said."

His eyes filled with horror.

"Please tell me you're joking -"

"Of course I'm joking," I cut in irritably, releasing his arms and folding my own in front of my chest. "You know what you heard, so stop playing games."

The flash that went off in his eyes revealed to me that, actually, he wasn't playing games. He just… didn't believe me.

So I had a choice.

Either I walk away and let him move on with his life thinking that maybe I didn't say it, or… or I tell him again. I say those damned words once more and never again for as long as I live.

I stepped back.

The light in his eyes died.

Aw shit.

"Fine," I sighed, my fists clenching tighter than they had before, "you win. I did say it. I said what you've been waiting god knows how long to hear from me - are you happy now?"

To my complete shock, he shook his head. Another flicker of frustration spasmed through me. "No?"

"I… no."

I gritted my teeth together. "Why the hell not?" I fought to stay calm; it was difficult. He was good at pissing me off.

Newbie ran his hand through his hair, water trickling out of it anew. "You said it but now you won't say it again, right?"

I nodded curtly.

"Then… how exactly is that supposed to make me happy?"

I felt a growl bubbling in the back of my throat.

"I said what you wanted me to. How exactly is that nawt making you giggly like a schoolgirl?"

"Because you only said what I wanted you to."

If he keeps twisting my words, I'm going to kill him. "That isn't what I meant."

He stepped forward, closing most of the distance between us. I fought the urge to move away. "Then say it again."

I shook my head. "Not gonna happen, Laura."

"Why not?"

The growl escaped. "Because I said so."

He shrugged. "Then walk away. If you're not willing to say it again, then clearly -"

"All right, you pain in my ass!" He stopped talking, looking at me. I took in a deep breath. "I… I care about you."

His mouth opened, but I cut in before he had a chance to say a word. "I love you."

My brain threatened to kill me. And him.

Almost like a deflating balloon he let all of the air out of his body, his arms raising as he lifted his hands to cover his eyes - hands that were shaking. Hard.

I fought the unfamiliar urge to take them in my own.

"I do, Newbie. I mean that. But -"

"No, no - no buts. We're fine with what you just said. You love me."

I smiled slightly, the gesture more like an ache than a sign of happiness. "But -"

His voice was barely more than a whisper, his hands still covering his eyes. "Please don't."

"But I'm still leaving."

The tremor that went through his body didn't go unnoticed. It made my muscles tense. For a few long moments, we stood in the shitty weather opposite one another, him with his shaking body and self-blinded eyes and me… well, and me. I was feeling little of anything other than a little muscle spasm in my arm every now and again, threatening to undo all of my determination by reaching out and pulling him into me.

…when did he start meaning this much to you? Pull yourself together, you Irish sissy.

"I would really, really appreciate it if you didn't go."

I half-laughed, half growled. "Don't be so stupid, it's not like I have much of a choice."

JD's arms dropped to his sides. "But that's just it! You do! You can… you can be with me -"

"And what about Jordan, hmm? And Jack? You want us to be a happy little family of four, all living under the same roof? Give me a break Newbie."

He shuffled on the spot, looking down at his feet - the look was so reminiscent of how he'd looked after I had berated him yet again in the doctor's lounge the day he'd thought Mrs. Berry had died that I literally had to take another step back to stop myself from crushing him against my chest.

"I…"

The sentence remained unfinished. He looked around, blue eyes darting everywhere as if to look for an answer but finding nothing. I sighed, unfolding my arms and putting my hands behind my head in my usual stressed-out stance. "I didn't want it to be this way, JD, but you hardly left me a choice."

He rolled his eyes. "That's me, keep coming back for more 'til it stops being pity and starts being something real -"

"You're damn right I kept coming back for more," I muttered, before I could stop myself. "I can't… get… enough of you. D'you know how much that drives me crazy? I mean, honestly, do you?"

"Waiting for you to actually feel the way that I do: do you know how much that drove me crazy?"

The tiniest of wry smiles found its way across my lips. "I wouldn't say we feel the same, kid. I mean, sure, you love me and I… y'know, do too, but that doesn't mean our feelings are the same. If anything, you need to know that."

"So… you love me, but not that much?"

"Too much. Too much because I have a long-term partner and a kid - you seem to forget that, too easily."

He grinned, a strange sort of grin. "It's hard to see the shadows when you're blinded by the light."

The words sent a chill down my spine.

"I'm no light, Newbie. I'm the one that's probably spoiled you for anyone and everyone else for the rest of your life."

He seemed to think about this, his eyes floating around my face before meeting my straight gaze. "Y'know… you're probably right actually." He shook his head, slightly disbelieving. "And I find it disturbing that you're so sure of just what you are to me."

I took the tiniest of steps towards him. "It's empathy, Newbie, not arrogance."

Since when did I start feeling empathy?

My own thought was mirrored in his eyes - I grinned. "Tell me about it."

We stared at each other for a few moments before he seemed to gather himself together, straightening his back.

"So… this is it, huh? The final goodbye?"

Forcing myself to be as I would have been before he had forced his way under my skin, I nodded, jaw stiff. "I'll be out of your hair in no time."

"Get as far out of my hair as you like, you'll still be a part of me."

My responding snort was derisive, but half-hearted. "You get that out of a Hallmark card?"

JD smiled faintly. "If I can't say crap like that now, when can I? S'not like I'll find anyone new to say it to anytime soon." He shrugged, widening his grin, though it clearly took a shit-load of effort. "Maybe I'll come visit you wherever you are, find some girl in your new hospital."

I sought out his gaze. "You know that's not gonna happen, don't you? You… can't follow me. You can't find me. I'm moving away for a reason. If I thought I could handle having you in my life at the same time as keeping my family together then -"

"I know. It was my turn to joke."

"Wasn't that funny, to be honest with you."

"Can't say I didn't try."

This I agreed with. He was clearly trying. "Yeah."

A few seconds of awkward silence passed - we stood, avoiding each other's eyes, him standing to one side and me to another. It was shit. The silence reprimanded me hotly, reminding me that this was one of the reasons I had tried to avoid such a shitty situation, that this was the outcome I knew would come to pass all along. I hated myself for the reasonable edge to my thoughts, wishing for the first time in the last twenty-five years or so that I could take the road of the unexpected rather than the clear cut one.

Finally JD turned to me, his eyes full of en emotion I didn't even want to know the name of.

"So. Dr. Cox."

He extended his hand.

"I guess this is goodbye."

X X X X X

Shoving my clothes into the small suitcase I had brought with me, I let my eyes slide around the room - pants, shirts, shoes, scotch… yes, that was pretty much everything. I slammed the lid down, pulling the zip around to seal it shut and shoved it off of the bed, smoothing down the creases it had left and trying to ignore the fact that my entire body seemed inclined to give up. Exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks as I straightened up, but I forced it to one side - I had a two-hour drive back to my apartment and I sure as hell wasn't leaving tomorrow with the rest of them. Kelso and his minions would just have to do without me.

And not just tomorrow.

I checked out of the hotel without even so much as a word to anyone, leaving with the concierge two letters. I threw the suitcase into the passenger seat of my car, walking around the other side and sliding myself into the cool leather behind the wheel.

Without pausing to think, I started the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot, eyes focused completely on the road ahead, not once looking back.

X X X X X

JD POV

I watched him leave from the courtyard, wondering how many more times this man would break me apart before I gave up.

My heart and head battled mercilessly.

X X X X X

"JD, come on already! I'm pretty sure you've taken all the freebies you can get, so move!"

I forced a grin as I shut my door behind me, joining the little Sacred Heart group that were now heading to the concierge to sign out; they were a bubbly group - to my surprise, Dr. Wen was laughing alongside Dr. Lenvethal, Turk was chatting with Dr. Kelso and Carla - oh, wait. Carla was looking straight at me. I flashed a smile.

She raised an eyebrow, shifting her way past Nurse Bonnington to walk beside me.

"Smile all you want, Bambi, I know he left yesterday without so much as a goodbye."

Though her words were somewhat reprimanding, her tone was gentle; I shrugged, descending the stairs and finding myself hurting from the memory of watching Dr. Cox walk casually down them in a tux. "He's doing what he has to do. I'm not going to hold it against him."

She harrumphed, shaking her head - if she'd been standing still, I knew she'd be doing the whole 'Carla from the block' thing. "Well don't mind me then, because I am mad at him."

We stood in front of the desk, everyone signing the guestbook and chatting with the concierge who, admittedly, seemed sad to see us go. "Why?"

"Because he had sex with you and left you, that's why! I am going to kill him when I get to work tomorrow -"

"You won't have a chance to. He's taking all the vacation he's owed and handing in his notice."

Carla's deep brown eyes flew up to meet mine, shock radiating from every pore. "Dr. Cox is leaving Sacred Heart?" Unconsciously, her hand moved up to rest over her chest. "Why?"

I turned away from her, looking straight ahead. "Because he loves me and can't handle being around me when he has a family to hold together."

I saw her blanch at this - I couldn't blame her. More than anything, my tone was so overtly casual that it was probably even harder to absorb this new information. I couldn't help it, though. Being casual about everything would help me through. Somehow.

"Did… he say he loved you?"

I nodded shortly. She let out a tiny gasp - at this, I reached out and grasped her a little too tight on the arm, looking at her fiercely. "Carla, I swear, if you tell a single soul I will kill you."

She slapped my hand - I let go. Her eyes were full of concern and knowledge. "It's disturbing how much you sounded like Dr. Cox when you said that."

I shrugged.

"Plus, of course I won't tell anyone. Who would I tell?"

"Elliot, Laverne, your Mom's grave -"

She hit me in the arm, allowing a tiny smile. "Fine. I won't tell them. Other than my Mom -" I shot her a look as she grasped at my sleeve desperately. " - oh please, JD? Who is she going to tell?"

God… and then there's no way I'm getting into heaven…

I let it go. "Fine. But that's it."

She nodded. "Got it."

We reached the front of the desk, both of us thanking the concierge for the wonderful stay and signing our names and leaving a little message in the guestbook - after doing this, the woman who had first greeted us a few days ago held out a letter. Instantly I recognised Dr. Cox's handwriting and reached for it - she shook her head, handing it to Carla.

I blinked, trying to ignore how much that had hurt.

"This was left for you yesterday - there's one for a Dr. Robert Kelso too -"

So he's doing this incognito, huh? Nice. I supposed that this way at least he wouldn't have to risk seeing me again.

My stomach churned.

Kelso, laughing at something that one of the board members had said edged his way over, taking the letter and cracking open the envelope - an A5 piece of hotel paper slid out, his eyes taking in the words, the smile slowly dying on his face.

I swallowed hard.

"Bob? Everything okay?"

One of the board members appeared at his side, concern in his eyes - Dr. Kelso shook his head, motioning to the others to join him as he moved away from us all and spoke quietly to them - I saw the looks of surprise on their faces and, in a moment that was quite unexpectedly touching, the look of regret and disbelief on Dr. Kelso's face.

I guess it was true that I wasn't the only one who would feel the loss of Dr. Cox.

He came back over, joining us once again. He looked pretty resigned. "I suppose it's only fair that I tell you all now, before we get back to the hospital - Perry Cox has resigned his post as Residency Director."

Everyone looked at each other, mirroring the shock of what they had just heard with my own, hearing it for the second time from someone else. I realised, at that moment, that if I stayed in that building for even a second longer I would break down and reveal to one-too-many people just how much this news killed me.

I pushed past them, accidentally elbowing Dr. Kelso on the way out - I saw him start after me, but ignored him as I pushed the door open and let the clean, cool air hit me… the relief was instantaneous, though brief.

Without considering any other options, I pulled out my cell phone and dialled.

"Oh, hi - can I have a taxi from the Goldmeadow Hotel to 56 Walnut Drive please?"

X X X X X

Carla,

Before you yell at me and round up the Spanish Inquisition, I need you to know that what I'm doing is for the right reasons. I know by now that Newbie would've told you everything and that you're probably foaming at the mouth, but hey, would you rather I left my kid and my partner to run off and play 'happy land' with him? I'm being realistic, I'm being sensible and most importantly, I'm doing what's best for JD.

I'm not saying I think it'll be easy, but I still love Jordan as well as loving my kid more than anyone on this entire planet. At least if I cut and run from Newbie now, he has years ahead of him to find someone who can give him everything rather than someone who's a complete asshole most of the time and holds back right until the last minute. And then goes back to being an asshole again. I'm a vicious circle - you know, I know it and he ought to have figured it out by now.

I'm not doing this to hurt him. I'm doing it to save him - and me, of course. It's more selfish than it is selfless, though if I were being completely selfish I'd have my cake and eat it too - but that's not my style.

Basically… take care of him. He'll need it. As for me, once I'm settled I'll get in touch - but when I do, do me a favour? Don't tell the kid where I am. I just… hope that you understand is all. I hope that you're not going to brand me the biggest bastard in the world and try to accept that I'm doing this because I care about him.

Too much.

Take care, Carla. You'll hear from me soon.

- Perry.

X X X X X

Bobbo -

I'm taking all the vacation that you owe me from over the years - oh, and I'm resigning. Looks like you've finally got rid of me, huh?

It's been a horror. Hope your son's Chlamydia test comes back negative.

- Perry Cox.

X X X X X

Perry,

You already know what this letter's gonna say, so I won't drag it out - I've taken Jack and moved some of my stuff over to my mother's. I'm going to stay there for a little while - I don't know how long - and in the meantime, I hope that you figure out what you really want.

It's not your fault, and I'm not angry at you; I'm under no disillusion here. I know you love me and I know you love your son, but for whatever reason that's not what you want right now and for once I'M going to be the one that says 'do what you want'. Take this time to figure out what that really is and, well… I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

I'll drop Jack over every once in a while, okay? Just because we're not living in the same apartment doesn't mean I'm going to keep him out of your life. I still love you, after all, and…

Well, it's about time you were allowed to screw up. I've done it enough times.

I'll call you.

J.