My beautiful readers… here it is. An update. I hope with all my heart you enjoy it. Sorry it's so short, but got a load of essays to be doing... anyway, hope you enjoy a little update after all this time.

Chapter Thirty – Hopes and Fears

JD POV

By the time I eventually got the reports to Dr. Kelso, I was exhausted. The day had been one of the worst that I had had in a while: interns desperately clinging onto me for dear life whenever one little thing went wrong; Dr. Kelso breathing down my neck; having to keep an eye on 'Dr. Jan Itor'; getting paperwork done - in between all of that, of course, I had to see to my own patients. By the time I had practically fallen onto my scooter I was about ready to collapse with exhaustion.

I was so exhausted, in fact, that I failed to notice him standing at my side until he spoke.

"Bad day, Sara?"

I could barely summon the energy to move my head to look at him - instead I let my eyes do all of the work, forcing them to focus on the dark shape that was just out of their range of vision. I shrugged - it took a lot of effort.

"It wasn't good, that's for sure."

Dr. Cox snorted - evidently I'd be getting no sympathy from him. "I figured as much. Thought I'd come down here and see if you could do with a hand."

Just what I need - him undermining my position and making me feel like I need my secret lover to help me out. Fantastic.

"No thanks. I've got it. Took me four hours over my shift, but hey, at least Kelso's happy and the Interns aren't crying in a supply closet. Not all of them, anyway."

He shifted slightly. "How about dinner? I'll bet you haven't eaten all day."

What, a lecture on nutrition? "I had a sandwich for lunch, I'm not really hungry."

I still wasn't properly looking at him; I literally couldn't bring myself to do it. I was happy to tell myself that it was because I was too tired for the fun and games he probably had planned, but in reality… well, in reality the only things I'd been able to focus on all day were my doubts. My insecurities. The very things that were likely to destroy whatever the hell it was that we had.

Oh, yeah, that too. What did we have?

I sighed and shook my head slightly, not wanting to go around in the same circles I had all evening. "Honestly Dr. Cox, I just want to go home. I've had a lousy day and all I want to do is sleep for the next few hours before I have to get back. Maybe another time."

As I made to start my engine whilst avoiding his gaze as best as I could, his hand shot out and clamped down heavily on my shoulder. Somehow, with a willpower I didn't even know existed within me, my eyes stayed focused on the metal of the handrail ahead of me as I tensed beneath his touch. He didn't seem to notice my apprehension.

"Wait a minute. We need to talk."

Goddamn it, about what?

"I'm not stupid, kid. I know what's probably been going on in your mind all day."

Finally I found my gaze flying up to meet his. "You think so?"

He grimaced. "Pretty damned sure, yeah."

"Hit me."

The crooked grin - damn it! Don't make this even harder to deal with! "I didn't realise you were into masochism - want me to get the whip out of the trunk of my car?"

My stomach twisted. "What is it you assume has been on my mind, Dr. Cox? Because I really need to get home -"

"Fine. I figure that today you've been obsessing - don't look at me like that, you obsess needlessly about everything - obsessing about where this is going, about how I feel and about where it's going to go next."

My jaw set into straight line instantly - in a way, he was right… but not in the way he was thinking. Typical Cox, always thinking he knows everything. Asshole. "Care to clear that up for me? It's cold out here."

He snorted, folding his arms in front of him in his aggressive/defensive pose that I would forever associate with the stomach-clench that signalled a rant. "I didn't say I had answers, Clara, just that I figured it out. You're not all that hard to read."

I met his gaze fearlessly. "Then it won't surprise you to know that you're wrong."

He frowned. "I'm not wrong."

"Yeah, you are. If it makes you feel any better you can pretend that you're right and I'll go along with it, but if we're being honest with each other you couldn't really be any further from the truth."

I watched as Dr. Cox put the pieces together, his frown steadily getting deeper until his face smoothed out into an expressionless mask.

"So what, you want to -" he snorted, " - break up or something?"

I shrugged. "Again, assume what you want to to make yourself feel better. I know it probably gives you great pleasure to think you know exactly what's going on in my mind twenty-four seven."

"Now hold the phone there Newbie, because if you keep on talking at me in that defensive tone I'm damn well sure not gonna stand here and listen to you."

"Fine by me."

"Oh really?" He took a step towards me. "So if I walked away right now, you'd be okay with that?"

My stomach twinged. I ignored it. "Just do what you want to do. I'm going home."

It wasn't that I was actually angry at him, I knew that, but at that moment all I felt was frustration – how could he think it was okay for him to tell me that he knew exactly how I was feeling when the truth of it was that I had no idea myself? I was more confused now than I had ever been – it was worse, even, than when I had been on the road to figuring out how I felt about him. Watching his jaw tighten, muscles bulge with tension and eyes narrow, I could barely bring myself to feel much of anything, Just yesterday those things added together would have had me circling the drain panic-style, but tonight I just... it meant nothing.

At the very least, it would mean nothing within a few days. After I had screwed it all up.

His eyes burned into mine, silent for a few minutes before he said in a low voice,

"Go on then, kid, drive away from me. Just 'cos you're too scared to face how you really feel."

Okay, that's going too far. I swung my leg over my scooter and stood up, face-to-face with him within milliseconds. "Okay, seriously, what gives you the right to think that you know anything about me? I've spent the last four years desperately trying to get to know you, trying to convince you to show an interest in my life so that you could get to know me a little and now that we're having casual sex you think that it's okay to -"

Within seconds he had whirled me around and pinned me against the hand-rail, fists tightly clenched around the collar of my jacket. "Don't you dare, Newbie, don't you even dare!"

I was too tired, too frustrated and too confused to care how aggressive he was being. "What? What? I'm only speaking the truth, don't get all uppity at me because I'm finally speaking my mind!"

"You call that speaking your mind?" he hissed, shaking me. "So let me ask you, this 'casual sex' we're apparently having... does that mean that you saying you love me wasn't you speaking your mind? You wanna tell me that you were making it all up, is that what you're saying?"

" I -"

"Now if you're having second thoughts about all this Newbie, I'd sure as hell tell me now so that I can go home, scrub the last few months off of me and get on with my life."

"I didn't say -"

He shook me again – hard. The headache that had been lingering in the back of my head all day started to bring itself forward, making itself known at the worst moment. "You don't need to say anything – you don't think I know you? Sure, maybe I don't know everything and, you know what, I'm more than willing to accept that maybe it wasn't MY feelings that you were obsessing over all day, but one thing I DO know is that you were damn sure obsessing over something and if that ridiculous defensive tone you're using doesn't give away that you're clearly having doubts then I'll walk away right now." He took a deep breath. "You understand me? Tell me straight if I'm wrong, but don't you dare try and bullshit me if I'm right."

I don't know what it was... maybe it was the fire blazing in his eyes or the fervour behind his tone – hell, maybe his words actually hit a nerve – but I found myself unable to stop the words coming out of my mouth:

"You're right. I'm having doubts."

Instantly he let go of my jacket and stepped away. "Thank you, Layla, for finally having the balls to admit it."

I rolled my eyes. "Because it'd be that easy for you."

His steely gaze met mine and shot through me, cold as ice. "That'd only be a problem if I had doubts to be confessing in the first place."

"So what, you haven't had doubts throughout our entire affair?"

He snorted. "When it was an affair, sure I had doubts, of course I had doubts – what kind of person would I be if I didn't? But since we're being frank with each other Newbie, I'll say it like it is – no, I haven't had doubts. You know why?" I shook my head, tired of this conversation already. "Because it's not..." He hesitated, shaking his head. "It's not an affair anymore. It's pretty damned close to a relationship."

A lump formed in my throat. "You really see it that way?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Then how can you not understand how much that... scares me? You saw what happened last time I was in a relationship, I realised I didn't want to be in one with someone I thought I was in love with -"

"So you're not in love with me?" Instantly my eyes inched a little wider – what was with his tone? Was that... was that fear? "Looking at me, right here right now, coming to the hospital to check that you're okay because I know damned well that this is a shitty time for you... are you telling me that your heart just doesn't fly up and into the heavens at the thought of that?"

It was as if his words had cracked open the defensive barrier I'd been creating all day – suddenly I was overwhelmed with the emotion of it all, of seeing him standing there, of understanding for the first time that he actually gave a damn whether this went somewhere or not. I blinked. "I... you..."

"Forget it," he muttered, stepping even further away from me. "Shoulda realised you'd never be man enough to accept when you feel something that might turn into something real."

As he turned to leave, a wave of a desperation shot through me and propelled me forward until my hand was grasping tightly onto the back of his jacket. He continued walking, forcing me to stumble along behind him. "No, wait, Dr. Cox -"

He whirled around, making me stumble even more – I reached out clumsily to stop myself from falling and ended up instead holding onto the front of his t-shirt. The heat emanating from him shocked me. "What, one last hit? One last sayonara? Get it over and done with Dorian, so that I can go home and -"

I threw myself forward and pushed my lips up against his – he froze, his lips remaining in a hard line as I forced my kiss on him. I tried with everything in me to put all that I was feeling into that one kiss, moulding my body against his until I was so hard-pressed against him that I could feel his heart beating over mine. I became so desperate in my attempt to make him feel the emotions that were surging through me that I barely acknowledged when he began to kiss back, or when he started moving our bodies until my back was pressed up against the cold, hard wall of the hospital. It was only as his hands moved up my chest to grasp my hair and shake me slightly that I realised where we were and what had happened. I gulped for air, struggling for oxygen and a grip on reality – he shook me again, a little harder.

"Listen," he whispered harshly, his lips close enough that they brushed slightly against mine. "Listen – you can't keep doing this to me. I know I did it to you – on and off and on again, but if you do it to me one more time, I swear I won't be held accountable for my actions. I put myself out there for you – and I know," he shut his eyes, shaking his head, "I know you've done it every day since you started as an intern at this hell-hole, but hear me out... if I had doubted my feelings for you for one second since I'd said what I did in that maze, I'd be gone. I wouldn't be here. You need to hear that loud and clear, JD, because I swear to God I won't be saying it again."

I nodded, shutting my eyes -

"Look at me, for crying out loud!"

They flew open again, seeing his boring into me in all of their cold, fiery splendour.

"If you're having serious doubts, and I mean the kind of doubts that leave you reeling in the knowledge that all of this has been some kind of screwed up game then hell, I'll cut you loose so fast you won't even need the time to get over me because I'll be out of your hair so quick you won't even remember me."

"That could never happen," I murmured. A tiny smile twitched on his lips.

"All the same... if you truly believe that you don't want to be with me, I need to know. I... I can't do this right if you don't want me to be doing it at all."

For minutes that suspended in the air around us, we stared at each other with a million-and-one questions lingering in the tiniest gap between us – questions that didn't need answering at that moment but that no doubt would come up in the future – and making me feel absolutely certain of one thing and one thing alone.

"I'm... I'm really sorry -"

He froze.

"- but if we're being truly honest with each other, I don't think you're ever going to get rid of me."

He moved so quickly that I was almost certain he was going to kiss me – but no. He slowed right down at the last second, pressing his warm forehead against my cold one and breathing in my air as if it were the most natural thing in the world. We stood that way for at least two minutes, neither of us saying a word until he finally murmured against my skin,

"I love you too much for you to scare me like that. Don't... don't do that again. Please, Newbie."

I couldn't hold back any longer – all of the doubts I'd had all day turned themselves from empty mass into solid belief in whatever it was that we had and, without warning, I once again threw myself at him and locked our lips together. He didn't try to fight me off – instead he wrapped his arms tight around my waist and crushed me against him, so hard that I feared my ribs would probably break but at that moment in time it truly didn't seem like a bad thing. He would, at least, be the one to take care of me should it happen. I found myself grinning through the kiss at the idea of him tenderly looking after me – tender being the word that really amused me. He clearly felt it, pulling away and lessening his grip enough that he could look at me.

"What's so funny?"

"If you broke my ribs it'd make my day."

His right eyebrow twitched. "You... are insane."

"Yeah, but you love me."

To my chagrin it just seemed to give him more ammo to work with. "You're right, I'm clearly the one in need of psychological help. Hmm. My bad."

I frowned. "One day you're gonna forget to be mean to me."

When his hands came up to frame my face, light and gentle as I'd ever been touched, I felt every insecurity I'd ever had fall away as if they'd never existed in the first place.

"Don't count on it."