Story: When Everything Changed
Summary: Something inside begins to protest her actions causing Bellatrix to question herself and those around her. How will her world as she knows it be affected? BL/HG
Rated: M
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everything. I am merely borrowing the characters to play my own little game with them.
A/N 1: Italics are a flashback. Also ** before a new paragraph after a break indicates a scene change. While xx means skipping further into that scene. I just wanted to clarify. Please let me know if these symbols aren't showing up.
A/N 2: Though I have edited this more than once I am sure there are still mistakes. This is unbetaed and all mistakes are mine.
A/N 3: Not the original. Revised and Reposted.
_
Bellatrix's POV
The light of the blue flames at my side lick the stone walls around me. An overwhelming darkness can be detected in the world beyond this cave. It lingers and mixes with the eerie blueness that has engulfed me. Waiting for its chance to enter. A bone chilling cold has settled in my body. I hug myself tighter knowing the iciness I've sunken into has nothing to do with the bitter night air.
Memories I never wanted to resurface are flooding into me. Haunting me. Actions I don't remember committing reappear vividly in my mind. Yet I have no doubt that I did do the horrid things I am seeing. There are memories swimming around in my head I buried long ago; not wanting to be tortured by them: not wanting to remember what really happened. The truth will slowly kill me.
A fury like no other I have ever felt is rising within me. Directed at myself. How could I do all of this? How could I create so much terror, chaos, fear, and sorrow and not feel a single thing?
Hunger is gnawing away at my stomach. I look at the crumpled paper bag in the corner. It has been two weeks since Hermione brought me into the Weasley's. I should have eaten sparingly but now I believe it best that I didn't. I should suffer. I should die miserable and alone.
Will it be then, that I die in vain? I helped destroy the Dark Lord, but is that really enough to repay for everything I have done? What else have I done? I have wandered, hiding, instead of facing the world I destroyed.
There is a hoot in the distance and I hug myself tighter. What have I become?
It has been years, decades even, since I have been able to feel anything other than empty fury. And look where it has gotten me. All the live I have taken and destroyed and that torturous emptiness and blinding anger never went away.
I was trapped in this world and I despised it. And the way I lived was the only life I had ever known. I had lost myself but being that lost was comforting. Thinking about it still brings me comfort because I was free of the consequences. I could do whatever I wanted and nothing could stop me. I miss it.
A tawny owl flutters into my chilling surroundings and lands on my shoulders. It is carrying a paper bag.
Opening the bag I pull out a letter and set it next to me. Peering back into the bag I see it contains food, parchment, ink, and a quill.
The owl is waiting.
Opening the letter I begin to read.
Bellatrix,
I thought you would either be running low or be out of food. If you need or want anything else just let me know. Hope all is well. ~Hermione
A small smile touches my lips. Her kindness trickles a small amount of hope into me.
I contemplate her offer. Anything that I want or need. Surely that only implied supplies. Even if it didn't why would she…? Is it worth the risk? The worst that would happen is I could be rejected. Nothing I am a stranger to. Would I be able to open up one more time? Risk everything one more time?
I remove the parchment, quill, and ink from the bag. Quickly I scrawl my reply and send the owl away before I second guess my actions.
The owl's silhouette fades into the distance. I can see my note attached to its leg. Nerves cause my stomach to turn, my heart beat to increase, and restlessness start to take effect. I have already begun to open up. Being the first to show a weakness. Loneliness. Taking the first step now what happens is up to her. I was honest and told her exactly what I needed.
A friend.
**
Hidden in the shadows I wait. Trying to peer through the darkness. I can detect footsteps. Two pairs. This wasn't the plan. Either something went wrong, or Hermione is nervous about being alone with me without anyone knowing she is out. Voices make their way to where I am hiding. "Hermione, why won't you talk to me?" A male voice says.
"Since when do you want to talk, Ronald?"
"What are you going on about? We talk all the time!"
"No. You talk about your interests while I listen."
"It's not my fault that you don't add to the conversation."
"I'm not interested in Quidditch, Ron. That's your thing."
"Sometimes you have to compromise in relationships Hermione. Why are you being like this?"
I hear a defeated sigh. "I just want to go for a walk."
"In the dark?"
"Why don't you go back to the house? I'll be back soon."
A loud, frustrated breath is released. "Fine."
I can sense another presence, presumably Hermione, on the other side of the brush. "Bellatrix?"
Moving from my spot I step into her line of vision. Fear flickers through her eyes. Quickly it disappears as she realizes the emotion she has shown. I send her a small smile wanting to put her at ease.
She smiles back and my heart flutters for a moment. However the sensation disappears so quickly I am left wondering if it was really there in the first place.
An awkward silence fills the space between us. What was I expecting? Was she supposed to be ecstatic to see me? A killer? Did I really believe it was possible we could be friends?
If it is going to happen I have to remember the basic rules of being friendly, like: how to treat others, and how to speak to her without commanding. "Do you want to walk?" She appears to be surprised that I am the first to speak.
"Okay," Her tone reveals that she is more at ease. She begins to walk and I follow beside her.
"How have you been?" I am shocked that I have managed to come up with something civil.
The moon illuminates her in the dark. Until this moment I have thought of Hermione as a girl. But now; well now, I am floored by the beauty I never noticed. She has grown since her fifth year and I have failed to observe the changes the last few times I have seen her. The moonlight causes her wavy brown hair to glisten. Her hazel eyes are full of warmth. She is slim but not overly, with a fuller figure than I remember.
She is contemplating her answer and she has let her guard down without knowing it. I watch all the emotions dance across her face.
"I've been all right. It's weird not having any books to read for the new school year, or not having any pressing matters to attend to. Everything is so different. I've… how have you been?" Our eyes lock for a moment and she smiles at me. I smile back.
Shrugging my shoulders I reply, "Okay I guess." It is a start at least.
"Where have you been? It's been almost three months since I've seen you last."
"Around. Do you want to talk about it?"
"About what?" She asks distractedly.
"About what happened back there between you and Weasley."
She sighs, "How much did you hear?"
"Enough."
"It's nothing." I stop walking. Hermione takes a few more steps before noticing I'm not moving. When she turns to me I raise a disbelieving eyebrow at her. "Really." She states.
"Okay," I respond. Letting her avoid the question for now.
We continue walk in a comfortable silence. I have so many new things to think about, but I don't want to while Hermione is around. Yet, if she opened up, she could add some insight to defuse my curiosity.
"Can I ask you something?" There is an underlining nervousness in her voice. I nod, but realize she probably can't see me.
"Sure."
"Why do you choose to stay hidden from everyone? Even your own family?" I open my mouth to reply and close it again. How truthful can I be with her?
However before I even make up my mind I find that I am responding. "I'm a murderer, Hermione. Nothing can make up for what I have done."
"I know that's not true," she replies quietly.
"It is."
"No it's not. I know what you have done to help people. You saved your niece so that her son wouldn't have to grow up without parents. You saved Harry, Ron, and I. Not to mention you helped defeat Voldemort."
"That doesn't change anything." I can sense her ready to reply but we are interrupted by footsteps and a male voice approaching.
"Hermione?" The faint light on the end of a wand tip is visible.
"Damn it!" Hermione exclaims under her breath. Even though her face is hidden by the shadows of the trees I can feel her eyes on me. "Don't go," she whispers.
"I need to."
"Bellatrix, please…"
"Hermione is that you?" I turn on the spot and apparate leaving Hermione behind.
**
Reappearing on the cliff edge I notice on my right arm is heavier than my left. Turning my head I find Hermione clutching it. She must have grabbed onto me at the last minute. "People are going to be looking for you. You need to go back." A cloud moves from in front of the moon and her face is illuminated. She is deathly pale.
Worry and fear strike me simultaneously. "What's wrong?" Hermione looks as if she is about to faint. She moves her hand to the back of her arm and begins to shiver. As she pulls her hand away I notice her fingers are glistening with blood. "Shit! What were you thinking, Hermione? I know you know the dangers of apparating."
"I'm sorry," She is quiet. I can feel panic boiling beneath my skin, but I can't let it show.
"You have nothing to apologize for." Lumos! A light appears on the tip of my wand. I walk around her, heart pounding wildly, and examine the large chunk taken out of her arm.
I wave my wand a few times. Silently casting a few incantations over the gaping wound trying to determine which would work best. I wave my wand once more and the skin and muscle rapidly begin to mend themselves.
Hermione opens her mouth say to something, but quickly closes it. She is probably fighting back nausea caused by a mixture of pain and the sensation of her healing arm. I drape her uninjured arm over my shoulder and slide my hand around her small waist. Leading her into the cave I am currently occupying I help her sit. I conjure blue ball flames and transfigure a blanket for her. I wrap the blanket around Hermione tightly and take a seat next to her.
She has yet to stop shivering from blood loss. Carefully I move closer to her to provide warmth without making her uncomfortable.
"Thank you. I shouldn't have, I just… I couldn't… I wanted…" I hold a finger to her lips to silence her.
"It's okay." Her eyes search mine. What is she looking for?
Hermione scared me. I don't handle fear well, because fear is a weakness.
She looks away from me and begins to take in her surroundings. As she surveys the cave she turns back to me. "You don't have a bed in here." I choose not to reply. My answer being too personal. As I observe her I can almost see her brain rapidly moving to connect the dots.
Her voice is a whisper when she chooses to speak. "You're not a bad person, Bellatrix. Please don't punish yourself."
"What are you basing that off of, Hermione? We barely know each other. What about all the things I have done? How do you know this isn't some elaborate scheme to become the next Dark Lord?"
"From what I've heard you were never patient enough to go through with a plan like that."
I don't respond. I can't pull my eyes away from hers. "If you wanted to hurt me you would have already. I'm sure you aren't used to hearing this, but I trust you, Bellatrix. And even if we haven't know each other for very long I can see by your actions that you are not a bad person."
I shake my head disbelievingly at the stubborn girl. "It's your life you're risking. Not mine."
I look away but my eyes wander back her warm hazel ones for a moment before looking away again. When I'm around Hermione she makes me feel vulnerable. I have only been around her a few times, but in those times she has found a way to quickly work her way under my skin. Leading me to believe she can see things about me that I wouldn't even admit to myself.
Out of the corner of my eye I see her pull the blanket tighter around herself. I flick my wand and a thin mattress appears in the corner of the cave. I don't want her going anywhere tonight. She does not have the energy. "You should get some rest. It is late."
"What about you?"
"I'm not tired." She struggles but manages to get up with my help. Such a small action leaves her drained. She lies on the bed. I refuse to let my eyes wander to her: to rest upon her and taint the small amount of innocence that remains.
I can sense her eyes on me. Burning holes and attempting to dissect me. Yearning for knowledge. She reminds me of a younger version of myself. The difference is, though, that she craves knowledge in a way that will help others; I collected knowledge greedily for my own benefit, and it would later be used in the worst ways. Did I know at the time that my need to learn would aid in some of the most horrific crimes imaginable?
Yes.
"Bella?" The way my name rolls off her tongue catches my attention, and warmth begins to spread through me. I shake it away. I am not allowed to feel anything remotely good. I am determined to suffer for all those I caused to suffer.
"Yes?"
"Do…do you think…never mind." My eyes land on her despite my internal protest. Her expression is pushing away my thickest walls. I don't know what it is about her.
"What is it?"
"Do you think, if you don't mind, that maybe you could hold me? Just for a few minutes…never mind it is a stupid idea." I can tell she needs someone at the moment and I don't want to make her suffer when she put herself out there and asked. I stand up and lightly sit on the edge of the mattress. Hermione moves over and glances at me when I make no sign of moving closer to her. "You don't have to." I catch a glimpse of her need again. Her fragility. I move to her side and sit with my back propped against the stone wall behind me. She is waiting. I lay down next to her and she rests her head on my chest. She covers me with the blanket, and wraps an arm around my waist. "Thank you," she whispers before her breathing evens out and she falls asleep.
I watch as Hermione vanishes into thin air. Looking back at the cave I know that it is time for me to move again. Where? I don't know. I collect my few possessions and tuck them away. Flicking my wand the mattress disappears along with any evidence of my presence here.
My mind wanders to Hermione and how she has to return to the Weasley's and try to explain her absence to her friends and family. I consider the red head boy, Ron, and how they are in a relationship.
Thinking about them, and all that Hermione has going for her; I realize what I have known all along. I need to stay out of her life.