After Christmas, Evan refused to speak to him anymore, not even acknowledging his presence when they saw each other in the halls. Fabian was confused and his heart turned fragile. He longed so badly to ask Evan if it was truly over between them, but he could not even get close enough to get an answer. He was heartbroken that Evan left him dangling with uncertainty. He wanted to be given a chance to reason things out, to point out to Evan that there was a sensible way to resolve their problems. All this over a stupid watch, Fabian thought, a stupid watch dented from the spell Evan had cast in anger. He just wanted to talk, to breach that maddening gulf of silence between them that stretched ever deeper. He wanted proper closure but it was not granted to him.
At the same time, there were NEWTs to study for that Fabian didn't have the heart to, still nursing the loss of his study partner. He began to wish he had someone he could tell all this to, without fear of being judged or having to explain everything from the beginning. He knew his siblings were out of the question, and when he thought of them he burned with jealousy at the ease with which they found someone they loved that they were still in love with. He knew that he was always the least loveable of the bunch, he was not as attractive and he could go overboard when there was something he felt strongly about. He became increasingly convinced that no one would ever love him as he was, that the only way for it was to transform himself for the person. He resolved to try harder next time, he resolved that if Evan ever spoke to him again he would go on his knees and beg for forgiveness and promise to be the kind of person he wanted him to be, not the kind who would try to interfere where he was not wanted. He wanted and wanted what was lost to him and what he could not have, plagued by insecurity and inferiority.
He spent his final weeks in school crying to himself alone, over his textbooks, feeling like he didn't want to study yet driven by the fear that he was otherwise completely worthless if he failed to live up to his reputation as the kind of student who always did well in exams.
The NEWTs passed in a blur and on the last day of school, he found his brother staring at the noticeboard plastered with sign-up sheets for various job interviews targeted at school-leavers.
"I think I'm signing up for law enforcement," Gideon told him.
For the first time in a long while, Fabian felt like he was pulled from himself as he reacted with shock. His brother had a contract as a professional with the Cannons all lined up. Why the sudden change of heart?
"You heard the news," Gideon said.
Fabian nodded weakly. He had not caught up with the news in a long while and had no idea what Gideon was talking about.
"It's not right, you know? It's not right that all this is happening and I'm not there to stop it."
"What do you want to stop, Gideon?"
"The violence. The extremism," Gideon replied, as if Fabian knew exactly what he was referring to.
All of a sudden, Fabian was overcome with a sense of shame. He had been wallowing for so long he had missed all that was important in the world out there and here was his twin brother doing the heroic thing by sacrificing his lifelong dream to protect others.
"Maybe I should sign up too, eh?" He looked at his brother, who smiled back at him.
Fabian took the quill attached to the noticeboard and put his name on the sheet. He had no clear idea why he was doing this, because the job scope sounded completely wrong for him. But what he thought in that moment was if that his brother could sacrifice his dreams and risk his life to save other people, then there might come a day where someone would have to do the same for him.