I'm sitting with Andy at Midas' Cafe, fitting, since today Andy is shimmering in synthetic and real gold. Although it's fairly cloudy, I still have to keep my sunglasses on.
Around us, everyone's buzzing with excitement for the Victory Tour that's coming up next month. Since the Hunger Games ended Panem has had to get by on people like me to get a lot of the juicy goods on the Victors, so it's always around this time of year that I get more viewers.
Looking around me, it doesn't seem like anything's changed, but it has, and I'm starting to lose hope that things are going to get back to normal any time soon. It's horrible. My life has become quite monotonous. I can only eat at a few dozen restaurants anymore because the other ones always run out of food now. Why did Finnick lie?
What's worse, I haven't bought a new outfit in a month because there's just nothing new being made. I know it's not because of some stylistic block either. Cinna and a lot of my other favorite designers still regularly showcase their designs, and we even have a new burgeoning designer in Katniss, who chose it has her talent, no. It's that there aren't enough fabrics. Apparently, according to my dad and uncle, District 8 has been dissenting too.
No one really knows the reason for our shortages. The President says it's perfectly normal and that we're just going through some renovations in transportation and improving the city, and that's been keeping everyone happy so far. That's why I love President Snow. He always knows the right thing to do and say to keep peace, and there have been more renovations lately, so the problem with the Districts must not be too serious.
I sip my tea while Andy goes on about the Victory Tour. I think she has a crush on Peeta, but who doesn't? If he wasn't so in love with Katniss, she'd probably try to date him.
I'm starting to get hungry, but I don't say anything and Andy doesn't either. It's become sort of an awkward thing in the Capitol lately. Nowadays everyone either eats at home or just with their families. It's funny. I never noticed before, but eating with others is a really great way to connect, and now that I don't do it anymore, I feel more distant from my friends. Is that why I'm not really paying attention to what Andy's saying?
Eventually she notices I'm not contributing as much to the conversation as I usually do and checks her phone. She says she needs to get back home to plan out tomorrow's theme. I know she's lying. She plans her themes out a week in advance, but I don't say anything. We both know the real reason she's leaving.
It's good anyway. My uncle's driver pulls up and after a quick kiss and hug, we part and I step inside. Sometimes I keep the window divide between Perseus and me open and talk a bit, but today I keep it shut to hide the embarrassing sounds coming from my stomach. Breakfast was at best miserly today and it's already 2. I can't help a sob that escapes my mouth. I just can't get used to being hungry. Taking out the tissues that I've started carrying around with me, I wipe away my tears, trying to keep myself together.
After a couple of minutes with a dry face, I take out my compact and check my makeup. My concealer is slightly miffed around my eyes but I quickly fix that and everything else is flawless. I sigh, feeling better that I'm still perfect, at least for now. I have enough makeup to last until the next Hunger Games but what will happen if my father can't get more material?
At the productions studio my uncle greets me loudly and fondly and his employees smile at me. I catch sight of Orion who smiles at me but is too busy to stop whatever he's doing and disappears.
"Don't you have school today?"
"Hah, you know winter break's started."
"Of course," he says.
He pulls me into his office and after closing the door tight, calls for the food to be brought up. I smell the lamb before it comes into view and immediately tears spring into my eyes.
"I know," my uncle says, putting his arm around my shoulder and kissing my forehead. All his joviality is gone and the worried expression he's been wearing for the last three months appears. I hang my coat and he guides me to a chair and together we eat in silence until the pangs in our stomachs dissipate.
"I still haven't been able to get any of Peeta's paintings. He's stubborn, but I guess that's how he became a Victor. I'll keep trying though."
"Thanks Uncle Jason."
He gives me more updates on them and I write it all down in my tablet. He offers to just email the information to me, but I enjoy spending time with him and I like to see the videos myself, though these past few months, I've begun to wonder if that's good for me.
"Do you want to see the videos?" He asks.
"Yeah, let's go now."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course," I smile brightly at him, now that I can, what with a full stomach.
Seeing that I'm feeling better, he consents and we head straight for the observation room. Not that many people are allowed in here, and I'm probably not either. My uncle always gives me strict instructions on what exactly I can and cannot reveal to the public.
The room is dim and it takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. When they do, I see row after row of each District. I walk through them, lingering on the trees in District 7. Despite my feelings, I can't help but admire them every time I'm here.
When I turn away from the trees, I can't keep my emotions down. It's chaos. Districts 3, 4, 7, and 8. And from what we can see, it doesn't seem that dissent is far from some of the other districts, too. The few of us in the room watch the monitors somberly and I know what we're all thinking. Rebellion. It's only a matter of time. I look at them through the cameras. They're disgusting. I know I've always known that, but I never admitted it to myself before. What are they thinking? How could they be so stupid? What do they possibly have to gain from this?
Trying to retain some decorum, I sneak away to the side and pull my tissues out again. I cry in anger and bitterness and I hate myself but I hate them more for making me feel this way. If they saw me, if they saw us here in this room, staring at them in terror, would that make them stop? Why do they hate us?
I rejoin my uncle soon at the District 12 end, thankful for the low lights. Everything is calm and peaceful there. I catch Peeta come out of Katniss' house, her mother's seen him to the door again. It's so weird, but Katniss and Peeta never seem to be around each other, at least not outside, and Peeta never even stays for long at her house. I guess her mother was really serious about Katniss being too young to date. I wish I could pity them, but I can't. I'm too miserable to care about anyone else anymore. And since no one knows about the Districts dissenting, I have no one to talk to about my growing feelings of loathing toward them.
Back home I pull out my tablet and lay on my bed, looking through my notes. I should be preparing my next video, but I can't. I have absolutely no desire to make it. I don't even want to think about the Districts. I turn on the TV but most everything's about the Victory Tour and the upcoming Quarter Quell. I laugh bitterly. The entire Capitol revolves around the Hunger Games. Who's really running everything?
I fall asleep eventually with some announcer droning on about the Games in the background and wake to pretty much the same content. I shut off the TV and see a light blinking on my phone. It's a video text from Orion. He says he's sad that I didn't come to see him before I left but is looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.
I'm a mess and I don't feel like talking anyway, so I text back an apology and lots of X's and O's.
Downstairs, my father's the only one at the table. When I sit down he motions for the food to be brought out.
"Where's Mommy?"
"She's sleeping."
She comes down not long after we begin eating, looking bleary eyed. I catch my father give her a disapproving look but can't figure out why.
We finish dinner quickly, we always seem to finish our meals so fast, partly because there's less food and mostly because we don't talk much, and I go back up to my room.
I look through some of my father's catalogs although I've already gotten everything I wanted from them. I scrutinize every inch of every outfit, trying to figure out a new, better design, but I can't. I really don't have a knack for this.
I check my tab and see it's only 8. I see I've gotten some new comments on some videos but I really can't stand to look at them right now. I don't think I've ever gone so long without the internet or at least something to do.
Getting up from my bed, I go to the bathroom to make a bath. I make it extra hot and bubbly and enjoy the water. I feel my tension slowly ebb away and my mind blanks. After a while I put in my earpods and listen to some soothing music.
Sometime later Cassie wakes me up. I'm all pruny but I don't care I'm so tired. After a quick rinse, I pull my nightgown on and fall into bed. It seems like the only thing I've been doing all day is sleeping, but what else is there to do?