All through my classes, I inevitably find my mind wandering to the talk I'll be having with Daphne later. Even the times I'm really into the lesson the next second I'll be thinking about it again. It's like the pink elephant in the room is so big the walls are caving in around it. And I have to admit to myself: I'm scared. I'm scared of what I might have to do to one of my best friends in all the Capitol but to keep peace and protect all the citizens of Panem, I'll do what has to be done.
Lunch is, at best, awkward between Daphne and me, but luckily no one notices. We both have enough friends to keep us occupied the whole break and no one suspects that we're avoiding each other. I wish Orion was here, but however much I asked he always refused to transfer schools.
In my final class of the day, I stare at the clock, trying to will it to slow down or even stop, but time is one of the few things that don't accept my father's checks.
Daphne finds me after the bell's rung, offering to drive me to her house, but I turn her down saying my father sent the chauffeur thinking I'd be coming straight home. She understands and I promise to see her in a few minutes, but of course I'm lying. If things go badly today, I don't want to be stranded at her house until Perseus can come and get me.
The ride there I try to remain as outwardly normal as possible. If Daphne isn't really an anarchist then I don't want to jeopardize her. When Perseus stops in the front, I tell him he can wait for me at the mall close by. He tips his hat to me in thanks for my generosity, but really it's because I don't want him to see who opens the door.
It's been so long since the last time I was here that I had almost forgotten. Daphne's family has absolutely no permanent avoxes. Once a week they hire them to come and clean, but other than those times, they do everything themselves. We'd always thought it so strange, especially since her family had more than enough money to afford several live-in staff, but Daphne never mentioned why so we didn't ask, and we rarely came over. Now I know why and it frightens me even more that maybe Daphne isn't alone in her sentiments about the Capitol. Maybe it's her entire family.
Taking a deep breath, I ring the doorbell and before long sure enough her mother answers.
"Hello Helena," she says.
"Hi Mrs. Charmain," I say, smiling.
She steps aside to let me in before closing the door behind us.
"I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?"
"I'm good, thank you."
"Are you still making videos? I've seen a couple of them, they're very good."
"Thank you. Yes, I am still making them. In fact I just worked on the latest one yesterday."
She beams at me before calling for Daphne and disappearing into the kitchen.
By the time Daphne comes down, her mother has a tray full of pastries and tea. She hands it to her daughter and together we make our way slowly up to her room.
I feel uncomfortable. I wish they didn't do things like this. Even if their son's an avox, do they really have to resort to servants' duties? At least for their guests' sakes couldn't they let go of their nonsense pride?
In her room, Daphne sets the tray on her desk and we both stare at it to avoid looking at each other but we both know that neither of us is going to have any. It would be like drinking blood money.
"So," I finally say.
"So," she says, sighing.
"So you're... not very fond of the Capitol?"
She smiles wryly and I feel a knot in my stomach.
"Do you remember the last time you saw my brother?"
I blink at the unexpected question and start to feel myself blush at suddenly being put on the spot. I thought I was going to be the interrogator.
"Um, I don't know, like three years ago?"
"Four. That was the last time I saw him too."
"But, couldn't you buy him an easier job close by?"
"We could and he does have it relatively easy, but on the other side of the Capitol."
"Why?"
"You think he'd want any of us to see him like that? His voice and future were stolen from him."
I feel anxious and try to make her see reason. I know it'll be painful for her to hear but I know I don't have any other choice.
"But he deserves it."
"You don't even know what he did!"
Daphne's sitting on her bed while I sit at her desk. Her bed rises high off the floor and so right now she's over a head taller than me. Her feet don't even reach the floor and she looks like a child. And she's always been as docile as one, so hearing her shout terrifies me. Who is this girl I thought I knew?
"In his company he was competing for the director's position and the day they were going to announce his victory he was arrested for stealing the company's assets, leaving the seat wide open for his competitor."
"But how do you know he didn't steal them?"
"Because he had more integrity than that! We fought so hard, we paid off so many people but in end they still mutilated him and cast him from society!"
My head spins as her voice echoes around the room and in my ears. I have to get out of here. I have to warn the President about her. But before I can get up, she pulls her legs up into herself and wraps her arms around them and suddenly she looks so vulnerable and tragic I want to put my arms around her and cry for her pain.
"I'm sorry for scaring you, Helena. And thanks for not saying anything about me when we talked before."
"No, of course not..."
"I wouldn't ever do anything against the Capitol. Even if I tried it's not like I could do anything. Nobody here would help me. No one hates the Capitol except the Districts."
I flush.
"What do you mean? How do you know they hate us?"
"How could they not? Like I said, we murder their children."
"They fight against themselves for glory and riches."
"We pluck them from their homes and force them to become murderers and corpses."
I stand up and start pacing. All sympathy for her vanishes under aggravation. I remember Peeta and Katniss and the dissenting Districts and I feel like throwing up.
"Well they deserve it! If they hate us and if they're so stupid and lazy as to not want to do their jobs maybe they should all just die!"
On her bed, Daphne sits up straight and stares at me intently.
"They're not doing their jobs?"
I immediately clamp my hand over my mouth and freeze. Zeus, what have I done?
"Helena, what do you know?"
She slides off her bed.
I back up.
"I'm not telling a would be anarchist anything!"
But I don't have to. I see her eyes light up and although she's looking at me, I know she's not seeing me.
"Of course! That's why we're having shortages! The Districts are rebelling!"
"No! They're just, some of them are just being... they're just dissenting. And soon they'll realize they're wrong and everything will go back to the way things were."
Daphne stops a few feet away from me and looks at me with pity. My anger flares back up and I feel like an idiot although I know I'm right.
"Helena, it seems like you know more than anyone, but you're just as blind. Things have been quiet for almost a century, this was going to happen and now nothing's going to stop them."
I tell myself she's wrong. There's no way the Districts can fight against us, but an irrational fear creeps into me.
"The Districts don't have anything. We have weapons."
"They have weapons too. And anger and experience in hardship. And there are so many of them. Even if a thousand die, they'll keep going and take a hundred of us with them, but we don't know how to cope with that kind of tragedy."
"Then they'll kill you too."
"Not if I let them know I'm on their side."
I really can't take anymore. Spinning around, I fling the door open and start running toward the stairs. Behind me I hear Daphne coming after me. I try to run faster but she manages to grab my arm and hold me tight.
"Helena, I promised I won't do anything and I won't. I'll just be waiting. That's really no different from what everyone else is doing. I hope you think long and hard about whose side you want to be on when this comes to a head."
And then she lets go and I'm outside. Gasping back sobs, I make it to the end of the street before collapsing into tears. I don't know what exactly I'm crying for. I can't even get my thoughts or emotions in order. I don't know if I'm scared, angry or sad and I don't know if I'm crying for Daphne or against her. Or maybe I've finally accepted that the Districts really are preparing for a full blown rebellion and I just might lose everything I've ever had.
It takes me a long time to calm down enough to be coherent but I know my voice still sounds shaky when I call Perseus. If he hears it though he doesn't say anything, not that he can anyway.
Pulling out my compact I see that my makeup's smudged a bit and my eyes are impossibly red. I fix myself as best I can and keep my eyes downcast when he pulls up. I keep the window up between us the whole way back.
In my room I slump on my bed and try to sort everything out. I'd always thought Daphne was quiet and didn't concern herself with much, but now I see that she's just as passionate as any other Capitolist, but for deviant purposes.
I know I should report her, but despite how things ended today she's my friend and I love her. And if she hasn't done anything for all these years, why would she do anything now? Like she said, she has no support.
About her brother, maybe an investigation was warranted, but that's not a good enough reason to want to overthrow the Capitol. There may be flaws with the system, but... I stop. Did I really just say the Capitol isn't perfect?
I try to reason against myself, but then I start to remember all the lies the President has been telling. How he's been keeping the unrest in some of the Districts quiet and lying to us and and... how I was going to turn in a friend to the police, where she'd probably be tortured and killed. As much as I don't want to admit it to myself, these past few months I've also been feeling restless against the government. Maybe things do need to change, but war isn't going to solve anything.
Daphne wants to undo everything out of revenge, the Districts are upset about something, I guess the Hunger Games, and I... well, I just want peace.
My tab lights up to tell me I've got a message. It's from Orion, probably sending me a sample of the video we worked on yesterday. I feel disgusted. The only reason I decided to start making them again was because the President asked me to, but now I know if I make them I'll just be helping him lie to everyone. I thought that was the smart thing to do, keep everyone happy and ignorant, don't cause any panic, but maybe it's our right to know what's going on, especially if a rebellion is in the making.
Without looking at the edited video, I delete it and go in search of my camera. If the President wants me to make videos again I will, but I won't cater to him or those spiteful Victors. This is for the Capitol.