When I'm done looking through the finished video, I immediately upload it and send a quick thank you to Orion, ignoring the question he sent along with it.
Are you sure?
Even after telling him I want nothing cut, he still always tweaks them a little, taking the edge out of it. There's nothing I can do about it because he has all the files and I don't want to make it into a big deal and get into a fight or anything anyway, so I just let it be.
As a result though, almost nobody really notices anything. My viewers' comments remain the same, gushing and squealing about the majority of the content. I really only say a line or two about what I'm actually concerned about.
"Forgive my attire, I had nothing else."
"I wish I could invite you all to my house for dinner!"
"The Districts seem preoccupied."
That last one sent a thrill through me. I was sure that everyone would understand that but no one mentioned it... at first.
I checked every day for a week and for a while there was nothing, but one day between classes I found a private message from kittish. My heart pounding in my ears, I opened it. It was a simple message: Your videos seem to have gotten better.
At first I was disappointed and just put my phone away, but as I thought about it, I began to wonder if someone had finally understood what I was trying to do. Except for those few lines, my videos remained the same. Holding my breath, I dared to hope that there was someone who could see what I see. Sure, that didn't really do anything for my cause of trying to open everyone's eyes to the truth, but by that point I was just hoping that I wasn't alone.
I thought long and hard about what to say back before replying: Thank you, would you like to come to dinner?
I picked the most outrageous thing I'd said on my videos. Since our reconnection, even Orion hadn't come over for a meal, let alone dinner. We didn't even invite my uncle and he used to be a frequent guest.
Before class was over, kittish wrote back: There's something wrong with the Capitol, isn't there?
After that we kept in regular touch. I told her about how the President was keeping the District dissension under wraps and we discussed whether or not he was keeping other things from us. I didn't see why he would, but she seemed to disagree, but when I asked her about it she was vague.
We grew steadily closer. I found myself saying things that I had never thought of in my life or thought I would, some things even sounded similar to what Daphne believes, but I try not to dwell on that.
As my friendship with kittish deepened, my relationship with Daphne shallowed. We still see each other ever day at school and hang out on the weekends with Penelope and Andy, but we rarely speak to each other and I must admit that I'm scared of her and sometimes I wonder if I'm turning into her, but no, I still love the Capitol with all my heart and want the best for it, not for it to be destroyed. I still believe the President is a good man, too. He's led us for all these years in prosperity, kept us safe and happy... it's just that this time I think he's wrong. I think he needs to realize that we're not all children whose ears need to be covered against all bad things.
The first few weeks I knew kittish I thought everything was going well until she said something distinctly pro Districts. After that I stopped talking to her for weeks until she apologized. I must admit that against my better judgment I accepted and renewed our friendship, as I had been missing her.
It was a long time before she said anything about the Districts again and this time I was kinder and more willing to listen. She admitted that she held a soft spot for the Districts since, afterall, we were part of the same country, Panem. I consented that that was true and we were united for many years without any problems.
And slowly I started to try and understand the Districts. I was still angry with them and not a little scared of them, but I did try.
I also wanted to meet up with kittish in real life, but she always turned me down saying that she did hope to meet later.
By now I feel closer to kittish than nearly everyone in my life. We regularly correspond and today's no different. Laying in bed, we chat on our tabs. Things go as they normally do until she mentions something strange.
I scraped my knee today.
I'm appalled. I haven't done that since I was a child and even then it wasn't very often.
Did you put salve on it?
Of course, don't worry, it's fine.
What happened?
Um, my brother pushed me out of the way of a... crowd.
What?
…
Were you shopping?
Since the shortages that isn't uncommon, for people to rush around stores buying up everything they have, but at least everyone maintains decorum and manners.
No, I was walking out of school.
And with that she quickly says goodbye, leaving me stumped. I don't have much time to wonder about her though, since Perseus is waiting for me to take me to Uncle's company.
I keep the window between us open and find myself staring at his reflection through the rearview mirror and suddenly realize how strange it is that he's still our driver. When I was a child he was a normal citizen. He would play with me sometimes and make me laugh, but then he broke the law, I never learned the specifics, but my father still kept him on as our driver. I've always thought Perseus was sweet, but I never gave him much thought before. Now that I am, I see that I feel sorry for him. Maybe I wouldn't if I knew what he did, but right now I do and I like him too much to try and dissuade myself from pitying him.
When we arrive, I put my hand on his shoulder and say thank you.
He's shocked and tenses at my touch but when he sees I'm sincere, he smiles back fearfully before turning his attention forward again. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I can honestly say that I don't care.
Inside, I make my way up to where my uncle greets me as usual. We go through the routine and when we're finished I almost leave, but he asks me about how I've been and I realize we haven't really been talking these past few weeks since I've just been darting in and out.
I tell him about school and how things are going with Orion, until I remember what kittish told me today. At first I want to keep it to myself, since I haven't told anyone about her, but if anyone knows what's going on around all of Panem, it's my uncle.
"Oh, I heard today that there was some kind of commotion? Like, someone almost got run over by a crowd of people?"
"Who told you that?"
"No one, I just kind of overheard it on the street."
He frowned.
"Who'd be talking about that here? Where'd you hear it?"
By now I'm confused and panicked.
"Um, well, I don't know."
He looks at me for a second.
"Helena, do you have any other sources besides me?"
I jump on the out.
"I'm broadening my network."
"Hm. Well I trust you haven't told anyone else about this?"
"No."
"Good. Then," he says, sighing. "Well, if you want to know, there was a riot today on the east side of the Capitol."
"The east?"
I know that the further out you go, the poorer the neighborhoods become, but it's just one of those, apparently many, things I don't think about.
"Yes. They're having even greater food shortages out there and so they're tearing up businesses out there."
"What? Even now?"
"These things can go on for a while."
"But what about peacekeepers? What about the police?"
"It's very difficult to calm a throng of angry and unreasonable people down."
"You're making them sound like the Districts."
"Well... we're all human."
This time I gave him a curious look. I'd never heard it put like that.
We're all human. So why are we all treated so vastly different?
My uncle shows me the footage of the riots. It's nothing compared to the Hunger Games but it makes me feel sick. Even if they are from a different class than me, these are Capitol citizens. These are... humans.
Involuntarily I let out a sob and my uncle pulls me away from the monitors. He holds me, even when my tears seep into his suit.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shown you that."
"Why not?" I say. "I watch the Hunger Games all the time."
He laughs.
"That's entertainment. This is real life."
I just continue crying because I don't know what I can say to that. Now I know that for all my life I've never really thought of anyone from the Districts as human, not even the Victors. If anything, I'd thought of them as high quality Mutts; intelligent, but in the end still animals that are disposed of when they're no longer needed or wanted.
I pull out of my uncle's grasp because suddenly I can't stand the thought of touching him. I can't even look at him. I hurriedly thank him and then say I'm going home. He makes me promise again that I won't tell anyone about the riot. Nodding, I flee his presence, but it doesn't give me any relief.
As I walk through the studio I feel suffocated by all these people who don't care that we murder dozens of people, of children every year. I'm 17. If I lived in one of the Districts, would I have died in a game by now? I feel so dirty that I want to rip my skin off. Entertainment? It was entertainment. I loved it as much or more than anyone in the Capitol. I have dozens and dozens of videos dedicated to the Hunger Games!
I make it to the bathroom before I throw up. Outside I shakily get into the limo. I can see the look of concern on Perseus' eyes the ride back but I keep the window down.
At home I deprive myself of everything. I tell my parents I ate out, I don't wash, if I could stand the floor I would sleep on it, but I'm pathetic and weak and I can't. I lay in bed for hours crying into my pillow. I can't sleep without my pills, so I don't take them. I deserve to suffer for the rest of my life. Everyone should.
Around four in the morning I finally fall asleep and have night terrors. I scream and scream until even my parents rush past Cassie to check on me.
They're flabbergasted at what they see. I'm drenched in sweat, still wearing my day clothes and my pills lie untouched by my bed.
My mother cries and says she can't do this anymore either. She's never lived like this before and if these shortages don't end soon she's going to lose it.
My father holds me and apologizes for failing us. I want to rip out of his arms but manage to hold it in until they leave after getting me to promise to take care of myself and wash up.
When they've gone, I gently push Cassie out too and lock the door. It's 6 and in a couple hours my parents will be leave for work. Sliding onto the floor, I press my back up against the wall and hold onto myself.
Chapter 10
I hear something beep and snap my head up. I must have fallen asleep because it's 10. Another beep follows the last one and after getting my wits together I remember it's Monday and my friends are probably wondering where I am. I ignore the beeps and escape to the bathroom. I feel sore and whereas yesterday I wanted to keep myself from all luxuries, I think if I don't get in some hot water now I'll lose any sanity I have left.