AN: I'm not sure if this needs a warning or not. It deals with depression so if that's a sensitive topic for you, don't read this chapter.

People explain depression in many ways. Chemical imbalance, the brain not working right, lacking vitamins, lack of sunlight. Logical reasons why depression happens, but not what it is really. If you sit down with someone who suffers from depression and ask "What is depression?" you'll get varied answers, but they'll all spell out the same thing: depression is hell.

Depression also hits differently. Some people will spend hours crying for reasons they don't know, others can't - not won't, can't get out of bed. Everyone will have their own battles and their ways to deal with it, whether it be crying, self harm, or sleeping, but it's the same. The red-eyed, tear stained person will look at the other's scars and know. The scarred person will look at the eyes of the one who didn't want to get out of bed and know. They'll know, and they'll offer a sad, sad smile that tells the other person that they get it; that they understand the pain ... And even though that person has knowledge they aren't alone in their suffering, they still feel like they are, and the cycle continues.

Depression doesn't only hurt those who suffer though. It hurts the people around. Seeing your boyfriend or girlfriend hate themselves so much, or be in so much pain that they hurt themselves is the closest thing to hell any living person can get. Add on the feeling they get when their love is still hurting regardless of what they do ... it's hard, and it hurts. If love isn't enough to conquer depression, what is?

"Movie?"
"No..."
"Dinner?"
"No..."
"Game?"
Axel sighed and glanced at his boyfriend. He knew Roxas was trying to be helpful, but it wasn't working and it was starting to make things a lot worse. What kind of boyfriend was he if he didn't want to do anything with Roxas? A shitty one, that's what kind.

They have had this conversation many times. Axel would sit on the couch with Roxas and pretend to be fine, but Roxas would catch on and start asking Axel what he wanted to do. When Axel replied with "nothing" Roxas would start suggesting things, and Axel would always reply with "no." In the end the conversation left both Axel and Roxas feeling like shitty boyfriends.

"I love you."
"I know you do."
Looking at Roxas, Axel sighed again and took the small man's hand into his own. He knew Roxas blamed himself for not being able to help him, and often times would lock himself in the bathroom and cry. He told Axel he was washing his face, but Axel had seen tear streaked cheeks way too many times to be fooled by such an excuse.

"I love you too."
"I know."
"Please don't blame yourself."
"I don't."
"You do."
Silence fell over them again as they both looked away. Not sure what to say or if anything really had to be said, Axel and Roxas watched as the television program ended and a commercial for a sleep aid came on.

"That's a good idea."
Taking his hand away from Roxas', Axel leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"I'm going to sleep."
Standing from the couch, he made his way to their bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. He didn't bother turning the lights on or removing his jeans. Little things like that really didn't matter. And who cares if the keys in his pocket were stabbing into his leg? He didn't. He deserved it. Stupid piece of shit.

Axel groaned and shook his head. He liked to imagine all the depressive thoughts leaking out of his ears like water flowing from a tap. Goodbye you deserve to die and hello I'm really happy. The thoughts never leaked out. In fact, they seemed to get louder. There must be a plumbing problem. Thoughts were getting clogged up in his mind and making them pile up on each other.

Gasping out, Axel sat up and grabbed a handful of his hair. Pulling, Axel tried to dislodge the trapped thoughts so the others could flow out of his mind again.
Stupid, pathetic waste of space.
Pulling with both hands.
You don't deserve Roxas.
Shaking his head.
You're not even attractive.
Axel heard the faint sound of a sob. He didn't know who it belonged to.
Surgery will help you fix your nose, but that's about it.
Axel heard himself say shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Talentless fool.

"Roxas!"
Roxas shot up from the couch and ran into the bedroom. Running over to Axel, he put his arms around his boyfriend and bit his lip.
"I can't do this anymore, Roxas."
He held Axel tighter.
"You called me in here and that says a lot."
"It doesn't."
"It does! I told you to yell my name if you ever feel like hurting yourself and you did!"
Axel shook his head. He had been using many methods to help. He wore an elastic band around his wrist at all times and snapped it against his skin when he felt anything negative creep up, he wrote his feelings down and he called for Roxas when his thoughts were getting too loud, but none of them seemed to fix him.

"I can't be fixed."
Shaking his head, Roxas knelt down in front of Axel and felt the words stall on his tongue. He wanted to say so many things and his mind was having trouble picking which thing to go with. Everything he wanted to say was so important.

"You're not broken."
"What?"
"You can't be fixed because you're not broken. You're hurt, and you'll heal. But it'll take time. When someone has a broken leg you don't expect their bone to heal right away, right? It's the same thing."
"It's not."
"Your heart is hurt, Axel, and it'll take time to heal, but it will heal. Please trust me on this, okay?"
"How do you know?"
"You're still here."
"What?"
"You survived one more day and that's a big fucking deal because you never thought you could."
Roxas cupped Axel's cheek and brushed a tear away. He didn't know if his words were helping, but he felt they needed to be said.

"You're trying, Axel. With calling my name, with the elastic bands, with everything. You're trying and that means you still have hope, and that means you'll be okay."
Blinking, Axel looked down and nodded slowly. The logical side of his mind knew things would be okay eventually, but the other side, the side that seemed to be ruled by depression, wouldn't believe it. And really, how many times can you hear "Things will get better" before it stops meaning something; when those words become something you just say out of habit? Roxas said those words, but he said a lot more with them.

Standing, Roxas pulled Axel to his feet and helped him undress, only stopping to place a hand gently on the bruises forming on Axel's leg due to the keys. Once Roxas had gotten Axel and himself down to their boxers, he went over to the side of the bed and got in, motioning Axel to do the same.

Crawling into bed, Axel faced away and let Roxas cuddle up to him. Feeling the arm go over his waist and pull him closer, Axel shut his eyes and focused on the heat beat against his back and the breathing against his neck. Neither of them said a word because nothing needed to be said.

Axel felt the dark thoughts go back into his mind and felt the weight on his chest lift slightly. He knew the thoughts would come back again, but he wasn't broken and he knew he wasn't fixed, but he was going to heal.