Neon Genesis Evangelion
Pilot's Table
By D.A.
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Title: Things You Miss
Prompt: Set 1 / Prompt 46 (Missing)
Word Count:1600+
Rating: T
Summary: Instrumentality showed them every way they could be crushed, and every way they could be happy. And in the end, it made them choose. Reach the surface and crawl out on shore, or be lost forever in Instrumentality.
Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion

Notes: Hope you enjoy this one as well. It was a bit of a struggle to write, as I'm not a major fan of these four characters. I hope I got a their perspectives in-character, though obviously I get some leeway since they just got out of Instrumentality. I also wanted to try and do my own take on them, maybe expand on their characters. Part two of the "Awakening" story arc.

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The panic he felt when he finally reached the surface was enough to almost paralyze him and let him sink down to drown. Using the last of his old self's iron control, he forced himself to shore before he collapsed, before what he had experienced inside Instrumentality overcame every scrap of self-control he had left.

Instrumentality had shown him, by letting him live his life over and over, everything he had missed. From the few short years he had with Yui after Second Impact, to the time he could have had with Shinji before Sachiel had made his appearance, to the life he could have shared with Ritsuko. Every missed moment was laid bare before his mind while he was lost inside Instrumentality.

And it broke him, chipped away at the steel grip he had on his sorrow. Sorrow that had wrapped tighter around his heart every moment after Yui was lost, tighter with every moment away from Shinji. And it piled guilt on top. Guilt for every decision that hurt Shinji, guilt for his manipulation of Ritsuko, even when he knew he was slowly falling for her with every secret shared and night spent together and denying it every second with his continued plan for Instrumentality.

And as he finally saw his son only a dozen feet away with the girl, the young woman, he had chosen to be with, Gendo Ikari broke down for the first time in decades and sobbed.

"I'm sorry," he gasped between sobs, "I'm so sorry."

He sobbed and gasped and begged, collapsed to his knees and arms wrapped tightly around his stomach as he fought both the almost gut wrenching sorrow of every missed moment and stomach turning disgust at his former actions.

And not once did the two acknowledge him.

0o0o0o0

Ritsuko gasped as she broke the surface, taking in lungfulls of air. Real air, not the illusion of Instrumentality that had almost trapped her within the idealized world she had wanted ever since Gendo had begun manipulating her.

At the thought of Gendo she immediately turned, and spotting him kneeling on the shore, she made her way to the beach and crawled out of the surf towards him.

Some called her obsessive, which in many ways she was. She was somewhat OCD, and often short tempered as a result when things would not go as she had meticulisly planned out. But when she heard others describe her as obsessive, she didn't think of those things, she thought of Gendo.

She could admit it now, after Instrumentality had shown her the various ways they could have worked together, lived together, even killed each other during the many End Games that could've lead to Instrumentality. She was, almost until the end, obsessed with Gendo Ikari just like her mother. Not until things began to fall in place for his planned Instrumentality did she begin to look inward and examine herself.

And what she saw turned her stomach. Instrumentality pulled it all to the front of her mind, all the twisted ways she could have lived and died in her obsession with Gendo Ikari and her misguided jealousy of the attention he paid to Rei.

And at the same time it showed her that passed that, she had truly fallen for Gendo. That if he would change as a result of his own experience inside Instrumentality, he just might love her back.

So she crawled to him, and hearing his sobs she froze. She had never once heard him make any sounds that could even remotely be mistaken for sorrow or regret. But she was beside him now, and he was sobbing as he begged for forgiveness from his son.

She took his hand, gripping it as tightly as she could while she noticed Shinji and Asuka nearby, the two surrounded by Misato and Kaji as well as Hikari and Touji. And it shocked her when, as if her touch was a signal, he twisted where he was kneeling and grabbed her in a bear-hug and cried into her shoulder. She placed her hands around his shoulders, and when she realized he had changed what he was saying her own tears began to fall into his dark hair.

Because his plea was directed to her specifically now, and he was unknowingly telling her the words she had wanted to hear since she tried to stop him in Terminal Dogma.

"I'm sorry for it all, Ritsuko," he sobbed, "I love you, and I'm sorry I missed it for so long."

0o0o0o0

The first thing she noticed was missing, was that her side didn't hurt. Not like a numb not hurt, but a whole and healthy not hurt. The next was a roof, she distinctly remembered being in a hallway.

And then her life, or lives, began to flash before her eyes and cement themselves in her memory. Every possible moment with Kaji, and NERV, and the Children. Even memories of teaching at a school, of having her own children, of babysitting the kids of the Pilots. And it hurt, not because it was too much to take in but because it was all false, all memories made inside Instrumentality.

But two thoughts anchored themselves at the front of her mind, Kaji and-

"The Children," she gasped, then called louder, "Shinji! Asuka!"

She stood shakily, eyes focusing down the beach in what she somehow knew was the direction they were, and took off running. Not even noticing as Kaji surfaced where she had just a few minutes before.

She ran until her lungs were burning, and finally spotted the two of them, Asuka crouched over Shinji as he lay on the beach. When she got closer she realized they were kissing, and it hit her with a mix of joy and surprise. She was so happy they finally let each other close, but still somehow surprised they'd done so at all.

And just as she reached them, before she could pull them both into the mother of all hugs, she caught sight of the expression on their faces and the look in their eyes. And it took the breath from her lungs and dropped her to her knees.

"You aren't my Children anymore," she spoke quietly, not noticing the tears trickling down her cheeks, "You grew up in there, and I missed it..."

And it hurt a little, missing them growing up. Sure she had her memories of Instrumentality, memories a hundred times over of them growing up, and yes she wasn't their actual mother. But somehow, the look in their eyes said they had grown up without Instrumentality. That somehow, they had shared the same dreams inside Instrumentality, dreams no one else saw.

And she missed it.

And then Kaji wrapped his arounds around her. And as even more tears poured from her eyes she realized she had a chance to see some of the things Instrumentality had shown her she missed in her search for revenge against the Angels.

0o0o0o0

The last thing he remembered, before the haze of Instrumentality, was being shot and then hearing doctors saying something about life-support. Thus, he was understandably confused when he found himself a few dozen feet off shore and perfectly healthy.

Confused, and feeling a stab of panic as he watched Misato take off down the beach and realized he was going to miss his chance to tell her in-person what he had left on her answering machine. Something Instrumentality had forced him to realize he should have told her years ago instead of letting her run away after college.

As he reached shore and began to follow her at a jog, he thought through all the memories that flowed through his head. Memories of so many lifetimes he could've had with Misato. Memories of the Children, and of children that could've been his and Misato's. Memories of NERV, and a school. Memories of ways his obsession with Truth had stopped him from getting the things Instrumentailty tempted him with, of ways his obsession could have gotten him killed so much sooner than it had.

He accepted that he had missed a great deal of his life when he let her go and chose to seek the Truth. And in accepting, he chose to not let it slip through his fingers now that he had a second chance.

Walking up to Misato he spotted Gendo on his knees nearby with tears pouring from his eyes, but he ignored him and instead watched Shinji and Asuka on the beach in front of Misato with Touji and Hikari nearby.

And he heard the two of them say something he felt honestly glad he hadn't missed as he took Misato into his arms and held her as she sobbed. Something he was afraid he would never hear Asuka say to anyone, let alone the two of them towards each other.

"I love you," they murmurred, "And I'm sorry I took so long."

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A/N: Hope you liked it. This is a companion piece to Just Breathe, and like that one is another take on what could have happened when they woke up on the beach when Shinji chose to end Instrumentality.