Chapter 12
You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
I stare into his eyes. His face is as stunned as my own. Even though the elation is there, the excitement of feeling him, the happiness that was almost overwhelming me, there was a taint. A taint of suspicion ruining all the happy thoughts. I move without thinking, jumping off his lap like I am on fire. I crouch on the opposite side of the room, my eyes narrowing. Why did he taste my blood? Why did the thought even enter his mind? Vampires don't share blood. Not unless they're having sex, at least. As I stay put, my eyes narrow, glaring at him.
"Why did you do that?" I ask, my tone hard as rocks.
All he does is stare at me blankly. If not for the connection of our bond I wouldn't have any idea what he was thinking about but coming back through the bond was shock, anger, outrage. A second before he speaks I feel resolution come thundering through.
My brows furrow as I try to figure out what he was so resolved about . Was he going to tell me he had done it on purpose? At just the thought that he might confirm that he had, in fact, done it on purpose my stomach dropped into my feet. He stood tall at his impressive 6'4", which was even more impressive from my crouched and ready to strike stance. I realize I look ridiculous when he smirks. I stand but cross my arms defensively. The only good thing about this situation is that Hunter hasn't come storming into the room in my defence once again.
"You do realize that I am as shocked as you, yes?" Eric asks. The familiar smirk gracing his handsome features makes me want to smack it right off his face.
"You're an accomplished liar."
I know he's not lying though, not about this, never about this. Plus Eric has never lied to me. He sometimes hid things from me, but that has always been for my protection. I realize that accusing him has been nothing but a knee-jerk reaction, or in this case an overreaction. I sigh quietly enough that he doesn't hear. At least I hope he doesn't.
When will I ever grow up? When will I stop hurting the people that care? When will I start lashing out at the people that have, in fact, hurt me rather than the ones who do care for me and wouldn't ever intentionally harm me? I drop my arms to my sides, my defiant posture deflating as I look at him. Is everything that I wam feeling going through the bond? Going through to him?
"It's ok," is all he says as he walks over and wraps his long arms around me. Instead of saying anything I bury my face in his shirt, my arms encompass him, my hands fist into his shirt. I inhale his scent which is so much stronger than it used to be. I feel like I am finally home. A sense of peace and comfort washes over me and I let myself relax into his hold, my eyes closing, all the worries that I've been having, about Andre, about Hadley, about the queen, they all wash away and it is just us. Just Eric and me in this perfect moment.
It feels like I have finally taken a breath after being underwater for so long, and even better than my own content feeling is the one that is coming to me through the bond. How had I ever been afraid of this, of this amazing connection? How had I ever railed against it? It felt perfect, natural, like there was nowhere else I would ever want to be. I sigh into his chest a second before stepping back.
"I should apologize," I say as I look up into his blue eyes. Saying that I should and doing it are two different things though. It seems all I was doing was apologizing for my horrible behavior, for my lack of self-control, but why should I apologize for something I had been conditioned to expect? "I'm not going to though, if it were anyone else they would have done exactly what I suspected. I had every right to be wary, I am sorry though if my actions hurt you but I am not sorry for leaping to that conclusion." I'm surprised with myself. When I finish speaking there's no internal cringing, eye squinting or second guessing. It seems I surprised Eric as well. I'm done being that girl, someone that can never really be completely sure of herself.
"Lover there is no need for apologies," is all he says before giving me that quick flash of a smile and pulls me to him again. Instead of a platonic hug this time I get a toe-curling, bone melting kiss. As I let myself fall into him my hands go up and grasp his shoulders. I open my mouth, my tongue meets his in a battle of dominance. As my brain shuts down I can feel his passion surging through the bond, his need flooding me just as I hope mine is flooding him which is why it is such a disappointment when the door is flung open to reveal a smirking Pam. Eric breaks away from the kiss with a growl and turns only his head to look at his child.
"This had better be good Pamela."
I untangle my hands from his shirt and take a step back. I may be less shy about physical affection but it does not mean that I want to be stuck to Eric's side all the time. Plus I still need to convince him that going back to the palace is the best course of action to take. As much fun as getting lost in each other's bodies would be it is not the best use of our time at the moment. I look at Pam, at her smirk, I know that if I were still human I would have been blushing as red as a tomato.
Was she expecting this? Had she been waiting for it? Pam and I had always been friends, and I had come to love her crude manner and openness when it came to her own sexuality, even if at times I had wished that she wasn't quite so open. I clear my throat and raise an eyebrow at her which only causes her smirk to get bigger.
"What is it?" I stop myself from asking about Hunter because I know that I will feel any distress. Instead I cross my arms and tug my bottom lip into my mouth before I can say anything else.
"I just thought I should interrupt before the clothes tearing started," Pam says and shrugs as she steps into the room and takes a seat on the sofa. I just barely stop myself from gaping at her. Surely, surely she was not interrupting us because of that. When I glance at Eric I can believe he is just as a stunned as I am. Surely Pam would not barge in here simply to break up our reunion? I snap my mouth shut quickly once I realize it is hanging open and frown at her.
"Pam," I say but I stop. I don't really know what to say. Is she mad about Eric and I sorting out our differences or is it something else? "I… why?" Is the question that is pounding through my brain and frankly, it's the only thing I can think of.
"Yes Pamela, why did you come in here?" Eric asks from beside me, his voice as cold as I have ever heard it.
There had been hints that not all was well between Maker and Child at the Summit and this is just another hint toward the tension between them. I know, more than anyone, that it is not my business to interfere in their relationship yet seeing them like this makes me want to say something, makes me want to stand up and tell them they should be grateful that they even have each other, that the way they are acting is downright ridiculous! I step forward and plant myself firmly between the them. I know I have a mulish look on my face, but quite frankly I don't care. I cross my arms and glare at both of them. Sure, it's annoying that Pam interrupted what would have probably been amazing sex, but I don't even know if I am emotionally ready to be jumping back into bed with Eric much less doing it with the bond reopened.
While it's true that I act differently when I'm around him than I have in the last twenty years that doesn't mean that what we had with each other before and what Hunter had seen would ever come to be. I can not let myself depend on anyone else. Have I not just realized that my independence had been stolen from me? I am annoyed with the way I was being commanded to stay at the house yet here I am ready to fall face first into Eric's lap and let him do all the talking once again. I had always called him high-handed, and I doubted that would have changed in the years I been gone. No, if I want to resume a relationship with Eric I have to know for sure that he will accept me as an equal, as someone that he will make decisions with, not someone that he will make decisions for. It is definitely time I start standing on my own two feet. Falling into whatever could happen between myself and Eric, and allowing myself to be distracted, can not happen.
It isn't easy but with one last glance at Eric I shut down our bond. The anger, the love and the support that had been coming through from him had been overwhelming and at the sudden lack of it I felt cold, as if I had just stepped into a room with sub-zero temperatures. I drop my head as I see Eric turn toward me because I'm not quite able to withstand his gaze after having so abruptly shut down our connection. I can not deal with our bond on top of everything else that is going on at the moment. No, I refuse to. Does that make me a coward? Maybe. Do I care at the moment? No.
I turn so that my back is to him and look at Pam, my once irritated expression wiped away with the relief I feel now that her interruption has allowed me to gain a modicum of control. We have things to do and messing around in Godric's living room is not going to accomplish that.
"Its fine," I say, not daring to look back, "did Godric get in touch with his maker?" I doubt it, we have not been in the room for long but who knows how maker-child bonds work when they were open and functioning?
I can feel Eric's glare burning into the back of my neck, but I can't, no, I won't look. If I see his face, see him upset I will reopen the bond and I can't do that, not if I'm serious about relying on only myself.
"No, he did make some calls though, and there is a team currently descending on where you escaped from. He's hoping to find something I suppose." Pam replied, her gaze switching between myself and Eric. "Perhaps I should leave you two alone?"
As she moves to stand I catch her arm, my expression alarmed. I know that if she leaves us in this room alone together my resolve will crumble. "No, it's fine, we were just talking." I will have to tell her about the bond reopening, and Godric as well, but at the moment even the thought of trying to figure out why it has makes me feel like I'm getting cement poured down my throat. "Do you think maybe we could go shopping?" Even as the words escape my mouth I can tell I'm cringing. It's not like me to ask to go shopping, or even to run from my problems, but that is exactly what I am doing.
From the startled look Pam gives me I know she knows, and with a quick glance at Eric she nods her head. "Sure, let me go get my purse." I breathe a sigh of relief which only turns into horror as I realize she is leaving the room. I am about to follow when his voice stops me dead in my tracks.
What could he possibly want to say to me? I know that I have hurt him, I know that I am shutting him out but I cannot do this right now. Coming after the realization that Andre and Sophie-Anne care nothing for me, had used me for the past twenty years, had treated me horribly, I can not deal with the bond. I simply have nothing else to give, and as I slowly turn and look up at him I hope that my face showed this. I have nothing to say, or at least nothing positive to say at the moment, and if he forces a discussion I fear it will devolve into another shouting match, something I do not want to happen. I wrap my arms around myself and brace for the inevitable. It seems that after all this time Eric still can not simply accept my wishes, which right now are to simply be alone, or rather, out of his presence.
When I feel her shut the bond down I feel a fury so hot it burns. My anger flashes across my face and my fists tighten. We have just discovered something wonderful in the midst of all the tragedy that is happening around us and here she is, yet again, closing me out, separating herself from me. I clench my jaw so I won't say something rash as I glare at Pam until she gets the hint. Unfortunately Sookie is not going to let it be easy, interrupting Pam's departure, asking to go shopping of all things. I can feel the anger surging. She is running like she always has. Well not this time. This time I will make her see that what is happening here is wonderful, that it is not something to be afraid of, that it is something wonderful and miraculous and shouldn't be ignored.
"Sookie."
As she turns to face me I wipe my face of all expression. The way she is looking at me almost makes me regret stopping her from fleeing. She looks terrified! The way she is sheltering herself with her arms makes my long-dead heart hurt.
No, I will not give in to her plays, not this time. I did the last time and I lost her. She needs space, I understand this, but the space she is asking for is too much too soon. We have not even discussed how the bond endured her death much less what this mean for our relationship. If she runs now I fear that she will never return and I simply will not be able to stand that.
"We need to talk."
As she stands there saying nothing I clench my fists against saying anything else. I have rationally stated that I want to talk. That's not too much to ask is it? Yet she still stands there staring at me blankly. Looking away, I internally poke the bond, her side is shut and it looks like a great black wall has come down, dissecting the beautiful gold and red thread. The fact that it is so thin, so small has me worried I and wonder why it is but it doesn't seem that she wants to speak about it.
"I know, but... I don't want to. Not right now at least," Sookie says quietly, causing me to whip my head back to stare at her.
"What do you mean you don't want to right now?" I practically snarl out. How can she possibly even be thinking about anything other than the fact our bond is back? I know she has a number of problems at the moment but shouldn't she want to focus on the positive as well? I scowl as I realize that I am showing her my hand once again, just like always. It had always been me making the declarations of love, saying she was mine, showing her affection. Without fail I had been presented with an indifferent face. I was scorned every single time. Just the memory of it brings sharp pangs of humiliation and anger to me.
"I mean I don't want to talk about it right now, Eric!" Ah, finally some emotion. As I step closer I can see her trembling slightly and my instinct is to reach out and touch her. I stop myself though. I will not give her any more of my affection until she has shown she wants it. I am tired of being rejected time and time again.
"I see," I say quietly. Raising an eyebrow I look down at her, "and when would be a better time for your highness?" I ask sarcastically.
"I don't know… later. I just – I just need to get some fresh air, and some clothes that actually fit me. Just – just give me time," she replies, finally looking up at me, her large blue eyes pleading.
"Fine," I say. "But I will not wait forever, this is a good thing Sookie, this is not something that should be a burden to you." I say as I turn away and stride from the room.
If she does not wish to speak to me about the bond, then I will just have to do my own research. I also need to contact Niall to inform him that we have found his great granddaughter and that he had been correct in his assumptions.
As Eric leaves the room I let my shoulders drop and my arms hang at my sides. I have the horrible feeling that I have just done something horrible, something that I won't easily be able to make up. Still, I had been honest with him and that's what he had always said he wanted. Well it was just too bad if he didn't like the dessert he was served after asking for it. Huffing I leave the room and head for the front of the house.
Honestly, I really don't feel like going shopping but it is true that I need new clothes. The question is, how am I going to pay for all of this? Sophie-Anne has always provided me with clothes which she deemed appropriate. It's been years since I picked out anything of my own. I'm not sure I even know how to shop anymore actually.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the thundering of feet on the staircase. Glancing up I grin at my child as he moves down them, sounding like a small herd of elephants. As he stops in front of me I reach out, grab his hand and squeeze it as I speak to him.
I'm going out with Pam for a couple of hours, will you be OK here by yourself?
Yea. I'll just watch a movie or something. Godric promised to bring me some donors, apparently they're all AB-, whatever difference that makes.
I laugh out loud at the skeptical tone in Hunters voice. He is much too young to know the difference between the tastes of blood types. I wonder if that was why Eric is such a blood snob, if it is Godric's doing.
Just be careful, and make sure you are supervised while feeding. I reply quickly since I can hear the click of Pam's high heels coming down the hallway. I would rather stay home and attend to some of Hunter's lessons instead of letting Godric do it but I did commit myself to this outing. Eric will think I really am blowing him off if I don't go. Sighing I squeeze Hunter's hand one last time before turning and plastering a smile on my face as Pam comes into view.
"Come, I have not glamoured anyone to stay open past ten so we'll have to be speedy about this," Pam says as she continues right on by me.
'Nice to see you're so happy about this Pam!' I think sarcastically. I follow her out the door and to the large SUV that is parked in the driveway. As I climb in and shut the door an uncomfortable silence settles around us. I determinedly stare out the window, ignoring the fact that she is looking at me. I know she has questions. Anyone would have questions if they had walked in on me and Eric. We had been nothing but hostile to each other and I know that Pam knows that Eric still cares for me. I don't want to hear her try to defend him to me. I don't trust myself not to say something awful.
Finally the car starts and I breathe a sigh of relief which I don't really need. I realize I am tense so I lean back and let myself relax into the silence of the car. Pam is loyal to her maker but she is also my friend, at least I hope she still is. Honestly she is my only friend and I don't want to argue with her about Eric. I need someone though, someone to be my sounding board.
I have so much to think about: like the fact that Hadley had me abducted, supposedly. That Sophie-Anne and Andre have been using me for years. That I should have been paid for all of the things they had me do. The fact that Eric had a meeting with the Magister tomorrow evening and what results that would reap. Adding the bond to all of that was too much. How am I supposed to figure out my feelings on any one subject when I can barely separate them? It feels like a tide washed over me and swept me out to sea leaving me floundering, unable to swim or sink.
"I can practically hear your mind spinning," Pam says about a half an hour later. We have been driving in silence so I jump at the interruption. I turn my head to look at her and raise an eyebrow. "Talking about it might help you Sookie," she says softly, keeping her eyes straight ahead.
I turn my own head to look out the front window again and sigh, "It's just… I don't even know where to start, or what to start with."
"Start with the first problem, and then work your way down the list," she replies.
"Ok," I murmur, biting my bottom lip. The first problem would be Hadley. Her having me abducted, yet she hadn't been anywhere else in the areas of the compound where I'd been held and had access to. "I suppose it's Hadley. I don't understand how she could have gotten into the room I was held in since her scent was nowhere else." I say, trying to puzzle through it in my head. "Even if she could pop, which I don't think she can, she wouldn't have been able to do it into that room. It was plated in iron and silver. There's no way she'd have been able to pop out, in maybe, but definitely not out. There's also the fact that she wouldn't have needed the guards if she just planned to teleport away with me. She knew I'd be dying for the day when she showed up. I wasn't able to put up any kind of resistance at all so why were they there? Who were they, and who did they work for?"
"Well then, I see you really did want to talk," Pam said throwing me a smirk, "but if it's true she was the one that abducted you it is odd that she didn't appear to be anywhere else in the facility. Maybe you missed some parts though, you were, after all, in a hurry to get out of there. The team that Godric sent will comb the whole place and then we'll have some answers.
If, in fact, it wasn't her then we're looking at a whole other thing. Who can change their appearance so well that you would mistake them for your own cousin? Scent included," pausing she looks over at me with her eyebrows raised. "As for the guards, who cares, they were most likely glamoured like every other were that was at the compound. I doubt they could be of much use to us even if we could find them. It's the person that took you, Hadley, or rather not-Hadley, because I'm inclined to believe you about it not being her, if we can find them, we'll find out exactly what is going on."
I frown as I roll her words around in my head. It's true that the were guards had most likely been glamoured. It was stupid of me to think that they might have information and I was thankful to Pam for pointing that out. I bite my lip and worry at it as I think over that bit of information. I'm not sure what kind of creature, or being, can change themselves that way. Perhaps a Faerie can but I don't know enough about their magic to confirm that. "Does Godric have any old texts? There might be some fairy lore in them…" I trail off realizing how much I am showing my ignorance of my heritage. "I mean it couldn't hurt to check," I shrug looking back over at her.
"I'm not sure, you can ask him when we get back though," Pam replies. "So you think it was a fairy?"
I shrug. I have no idea who it could be and I don't know enough about magic in general to know if it could have been. I do know that Fairies are not the kind hearted beings Disney portrays them as though, I had at least learned that much. "I have no idea, I just... it's weird and it makes no sense, yet the more I think of it, the more frustrated I get. How am I supposed to solve any of these questions when I have nowhere to look for the answers? That's why I wanted to go back to the palace." I say, my tone growing bolder as I speak. "The fact that none of you can see how it could be beneficial surprises me."
"It's not that we don't see how it could help, it's that we don't want you in that position Sookie. You've been a slave for the past 20 years, we don't want you to get caught up in their trap again."
"You guys making the decision for me is almost as bad as them! You say you want to help me but you're not letting me do it my own way! You're all treating me as a child, when I'm not one." I say angrily, twisting in my seat.
"Aren't you?" Is all she says.
I glare at her, hoping for her to say something else before turning to once again look out the windshield.
How dare she! I am not a child! I am a grown woman! I have been making my own choices for many years without them. True that stopped when I was turned but my independent streak hadn't just disappeared during my captivity, it had been dulled and maybe even contained, but it was still there. I am smart enough to make my own decisions and it is my own life that I am playing with, not theirs. They have no right to decide for me.
Even as I sit there fuming, with my arms crossed, I realize she's was right. I am behaving like a child and in her eyes I am still very much a young vampire. I doubt that Eric had let Pam take her own life into her hands after only 20 years. I also doubt that he had taken away her choices without explaining his reasoning to her.
"Tell me why it would be so bad if I went back."
It's as if she has simply been waiting for me to calm down because she speaks right away, not even taking a moment to gather her thoughts. I slam down the irritation I feel at that and tell myself that if that is what she was doing then it is all the more obvious that she does think of me as a child.
"First, you'll have no way of getting out of there. Even with Eric's meeting tomorrow night, we don't know the outcome for sure. You're Andre's child therefore he's allowed to treat you anyway he wishes if he wants to keep you and Eric's claim is overruled. We wouldn't be able to get you out.
Second, how are you going to find out anything from Hadley? From what I gather you and she aren't exactly best friends and you cannot read vampire minds so unless you plan to torture your own kind, who by the way is the Queen's child, while in the Palace, I doubt you would achieve anything.
Third, even if the Queen does have texts which pertain to fairies I very much doubt she'd let you go browsing through them. After all she's never offered them to you, has she?" At this Pam looks over at me, one eyebrow arched up in question.
All I can do is shake my head before dropping my gaze. Everything she said is true. How had I not thought of it all? The answer is I had, I had just simply assumed I'd be able to work around all of those things. It was naïve of me to think so. After all, I'd been in the palace for 20 years and not found any books that even include fairies in them.
"Fine, you're right," I grumble, "I don't understand why Eric couldn't have just explained it that way though."
It's as if all the years of training that Sophie-Anna had subjected me to had disappeared. I feel defenseless in the presence of the two people I had longed to see again.
Had I not missed Pam? Had I not promised myself that if I ever saw Eric again I would kiss him and make him promise never to leave me? To thank him for all that he had done for me?
Instead I'm sitting in a car speeding towards a shopping mall and moaning about my problems to his child. This is not the person I want to be anymore. I need to grow up. It's as if seeing him again took me back 20 years, like I had reverted to being the stubborn ass he'd known back then. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to fight with him. I want to help him, I want to be his partner. Most of all I want to see if we can work.
It's true I had been hurt by seeing Cressa and if I'm being honest, I still am. The fact that he had found someone who looked like me will always sting but I know I'll be able to forgive him, in time. He has been nothing but supportive of me since he found me again and I've been doing exactly what I'd done before, throwing it in his face.
"Pam turn the car around," I say turning to look at her. "I need to fix something." A smile blooms across her face as she slams on the brakes in the middle of the highway causing me to fly forward.
"HOLY COW PAM!" I shriek, and peel myself off the windshield.
"What? You said to turn the car around," and she is doing just that.
I grin and shake my head at her, settling back into my seat. Maybe this drive was just what I needed to get my thoughts in order. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to talk to him openly. He deserves the truth after all: about how I'd really gotten out of the compound, about what I am now, and he doesn't deserve to be shut off from me. With that thought in mind I turn up the radio and stare out my window, letting Pam navigate our way back to Godric's home.