Arthur couldn't stand it. He couldn't even think about that night. All he felt was self-disgust. He hated himself.
Merlin no longer talked to him. Merlin no longer talked to anybody, just drifting past people without a 'hello' or ignoring his friends' calls. He was like a shell, an empty shell with the insides all broken. And he couldn't be fixed.
Merlin looked different too. He wore long sleeves more often and had lost a lot of weight (which made him look even more fragile as he was already so thin). Dark circles ringed his eyes and most often he would flinch when he was being spoken to. Arthur hated seeing him like that.
"What is wrong with him?" Gwen asked one day as they all glanced concernedly at Merlin. He was sitting alone at lunch, just staring at his food.
Everyone looked to Arthur for answer on their friend's odd behavior. The blonde just shook his head. No one knew what he had done. He knew he should at least apologize, but Merlin ran whenever he came near.
"Shouldn't you – ?" Gwaine started, inclining his head in the raven's direction. Arthur shook his eyes again and stood up, head bowed. He walked away from their table and out if the cafeteria.
He went to the bathroom, a private place. The only place you could think in school.
You hit Merlin, he thought, eyes closed. You hit Merlin. You are a terrible person that doesn't even deserve to know him and you hit him. Arthur Pendragon, you hit Merlin, the only person you ever loved, because you got jealous. You got jealous because that bastard's hands were all over him. Merlin didn't realize it wasn't you. You acted stupidly. They just had met, how could've Merlin fallen for that pathetic guy? You, Arthur Pendragon, are stupid beyond compare. You are the worst person on the face of this earth. You deserve to die. I deserve to die.
Arthur didn't mean he would commit suicide, but was just trying to make a point to himself. Merlin was the best thing in his life and he threw it all away in moment of blind rage, jealousness, and stupidity. He felt terrible, so full of remorse. On one occasion, he had physically thrown up from the memory of what he had done. He would never forgive himself.
He just wished Merlin had done something back to him. A response. A curse. An insult, a punch, a lawsuit, anything! But, no, Merlin just sat there, blank look, eyes dead, not talking to anyone.
He couldn't take it. He just couldn't take it. He needed Merlin like he need oxygen. It had been two weeks. He needed Merlin. That is, if Merlin would take him back.
Arthur always tried to ignore the major "what ifs" of life, but this one he couldn't shake. What if Merlin didn't take him back? What if Merlin didn't even want to be friends? The very thought made him shudder as he felt ill. Life without Merlin…unbearable. Unlivable. His other friends were great, but no one – no one – could ever replace the raven haired boy that captured his heart.
Arthur had always told Merlin he would protect him. That he would never hurt him. Defend him. Save him. Look where that ended up.
Merlin must hate him, as the blonde decided. Merlin must hate him with all of his heart, all of his mind, and all of his soul. He could never – would never – be forgiven. Arthur knew he deserved it. Merlin was fragile before, but now he was a wreck.
Sighing, Arthur pressed his forehead against the mirror, fogging it up with his breath. There was nothing he could do. It was hopeless.
Fate decided to hate Arthur. Suddenly, the door creaked open, revealing the person the blonde wanted to talk to the most. Merlin.
The raven stared for a second. His eyes were wide, but not fearful. They were curious, as if he was wondering what Arthur would do next. However, when the blonde took a step towards him, Merlin bolted out of the room in flash. Arthur was left alone again.
What could he do?
Upon entering the house, Arthur knew something was up. Mostly because he was pushed back against the wall with ten very well-manicured nails digging into his chest. He didn't even try to fight it.
"Fix him," Morgana hissed. "You need to fix him."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Arthur tried. He didn't want to have this conversation right now.
"Merlin!" she said, very dangerous. "You need to fix him."
"Never knew you cared about him."
"He's my only friend, Arthur. You may not know it, but between classes and in drama club, we talk a lot. He's my friend, Arthur. I don't like a lot of people, but he's one of the few I do. Fix him."
"What makes you think I would be able to fix him?"
Morgana glared and rolled her eyes as if he was an idiot. "You're his best friend. You're his boyfriend."
"Was."
There was a sharp intake of breath. "Was?" Morgana muttered. "Was? You broke up with him?!"
"No!"
She glared harder. "What did you do?"
He shook his head. Morgana wouldn't understand. Would she?
"Tell me!" she demanded, pushing him further into the wall.
He closed his eyes. He didn't want to relive that moment.
With a sigh, she grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into the living room. They sat on the couch, Morgana still glowering. She wasn't going to give up.
"I hit him." The words were just a whisper, something that could've been missed if it hadn't been so quiet.
Morgana gasped. Then she raised her own hand, striking him across the face. He flinched, but felt he deserved it.
"You what?!"
"I hit him," Arthur said, tears leaking out of his eyes. "I hit him because I was stupid and jealous. I hit him and I can't even apologize to him. I feel terrible about it! I can't do anything!"
Morgana's glare actually softened. "Are you sorry for you did?"
"With all my heart." That was all Arthur could manage out before he broke down into full-out sobs. Morgana was surprised; she'd never seen her brother cry. Ever. Nevertheless, she wrapped a comforting arm around him as Arthur leaned on to her.
"I don't know what to do! He won't even look at me! Stand in the same room with me! What can I do? What can I do?"
"Well," Morgana said, voice not in its usually icy tone. "First, you need to calm down. Tears never really solved anything, even if it's good to let them out. Second, you need to do some soul searching. How exactly are you going to apologize to Merlin? Third, you need give him some space when you talk. I know you two were on top of each other before, but now he's afraid of you."
Arthur's heart stopped. Merlin was afraid of him? That nearly sent him over the edge. Instead of mindlessly sobbing again, he gave her a weak smile. Morgana seemed more valuable that she looked. He knew it was a good thing he didn't drop her more times when she was a baby.
"Now, Arthur, look at me," his sister commanded. He sat up and looked her straight in the eye. "Arthur, you need to apologize, but you need to do it soon. Every day, you lose him more and more. He may not forgive you right away, but he'll see you're not completely evil." She smiled at that. "Now what are you going to do?"
He stood up. "I'm going to find my Merlin."
Arthur had rehearsed his lines over and over in his head ever since he thought of them. It was perfect. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't knock on Merlin's door.
"C'mon, you coward," he cursed himself, reaching out his fist, knuckles poised to knock. "Do it. Do it for Merlin."
In five seconds of insane courage, he knocked. Then waited.
"Yes?" asked a dead voice. It was Merlin, who hadn't looked up yet. He looked worse up close. The rings under his eyes larger, his bones peeking through his shirt. Arthur's heart ached.
"Merlin," he said quietly. The boy jumped at the voice but did not run. He just stared. "Merlin, I'm sorry."
Merlin blinked, surprised.
"Merlin, I was wrong to hit you. It's the most terrible thing I've ever done, and I'll never forgive myself for it. Hurting you; that's my worst nightmare. I'm sorry. I did it out of jealously, which is no excuse."
There was another surprised blink out of Merlin, but he did not say anything.
"Merlin, I am so sorry! These past few days have made me realize that you are the most important thing in my life. I know it doesn't matter, but, for as long as I may live and into heaven and beyond, I will be forever sorry." Arthur turned away, a small tear leaking out. He expected the door to be shut behind him, but what he felt was something else.
"You prat," Merlin whispered. He spun Arthur around and hugged him tight. "You completely idiotic prat. That was a little corny, though, at the end."
With a dry laugh, Arthur buried his head in the raven's shoulder and cried. Just to prove how sorry he was. He cried, but not like he had with Morgana. Mostly tears running silently down his face and wetting Merlin's shoulder. The other did not mind.
"I'm so sorry, Merlin," the blonde whispered. "I promised always to protect you, then I go and hurt you."
"It's okay," Merlin murmured back. "It didn't even hurt that much."
"It's not okay. I'll never forgive myself."
"Even if I forgive you?"
"Especially then. Someone needs to hate me for what I did."
"That can't be me; I could never truly hate you."
Merlin and Arthur remained just friends for the remainder of the school year. Arthur wanted to take things slow, to make sure Merlin was okay with it. The raven simply rolled his eyes. Merlin was happy to be friends (at least that's what they would remain to be for now) again, as he had missed Arthur a great deal.
It wasn't until June, when school let out, that something actually happened between them. They were just walking, side by side on the last day of school, when it started. For some reason, Arthur decided to stretch one of his fingers out to the side. Completely normal finger spasm, right? Well, this finger spasm decided to make that finger wrap around one of Merlin's, making both boys look at each other, then to their hooked pinkies. Merlin looked back up at Arthur and smiled. He interlocked more of their fingers. With a glance at the blushing blonde again, he tightened his grip and gave Arthur's hand a squeeze.
"Merlin? Are you okay with this?"
The raven snorted, sarcasm heavy in his voice. "No, absolutely not. I just hold hands with you because I hate you."
Arthur smiled, eyes filled with emotion. He gave Merlin's hand a squeeze. "I've missed this."
Merlin gave him an amused look. "You were the one walking eggshells around me, making sure I was okay being around you. I was ready."
Arthur looked down. "I just wanted to be sure…you just seemed so lost."
Merlin raised an eyebrow.
"Merlin, you had lost a lot of weight," he said, poking him in the stomach, making him giggle. "You had enormous, black rings under your eyes, as if you hadn't been sleeping. I didn't want anything to happen that would make you do that again."
Merlin smiled sadly. "I missed you. That's why I did that. When you hit me, I was hurt and a little angry, but I missed you the most." He was leaving out a part, but Arthur pretended not to notice.
Arthur stopped and faced him. "Oh, Merlin. I'm so-" He was hushed by a pale hand cupping his face.
"Stop apologizing, it's kinda getting annoying," were the only words Merlin said before leaning and claiming the blonde's lips.
"We're here, love," Arthur said wistfully as he walked Merlin to his front door. The raven ducked his head and blushed in the most adorable way at the nickname. Arthur reminded himself to use it more often.
Merlin turned towards him, eyes reflecting the sun so they appeared almost gold. Arthur loved that illusion caused by the light. It made the raven's eyes seem even more unique, almost magical. Then again, he thought, everything about Merlin is magical.
The raven leaned in, eyes closed and Arthur leaned forward until their lips met. He loved this feeling, the feeling of kissing Merlin. When they pulled away, he sorely regretted it.
"Good-bye, love," he mumbled, head still spinning. Merlin smiled, pecked him on the cheek one last time and disappeared behind the door.
Feeling like he was on cloud-nine, Arthur ran away in an adrenaline rush, and released a victory yell. He had his Merlin back.
For now.
Merlin didn't show up at his house the next day. He wasn't at the park. He wasn't even hanging around the school. Arthur was desperately getting worried.
He walked to Merlin house calmly enough, but as soon as the building was in view, he rushed to the front door and knocked fervently. No answer. He tried opening it, but it was bolt locked. Worry growing in the pit of his stomach, he looked for another entrance. The broken window in the front looked like a good idea. Walking over, then breaking off most of the glass, he crawled through, finding the room he entered to be in shambles.
It was the living room, he could tell that. Beer cans littered the floor, along with several bottles. Cracks crisscrossed on the wall, as if something heavy had been through at them multiple times. He next noticed a lamp was broken, but only half of it, as though it had been crashed over something. He felt a sense of dread forming in his stomach.
Walking out of the room, trying to find Merlin's he heard a noise. Very small, almost inaudible. He wouldn't have noticed it of it hadn't come from very close by. He followed it from where he thought it came from.
"Merlin?" he called out, worry and dread eating away at him for some reason. "Merlin?"
There was another small noise, and the blonde was charging at the closet. It came from there. He pulled the handle. Dammit, it was locked. He didn't have time for pleasantries though, as panic set in his gut, and he kicked the door in. What he saw made his heart stop, his blood run cold, and his breathing ceasing. He dropped to his knees.
"Merlin…" he gasped. The raven haired boy…..he was covered in blood. His own blood. It seemed to be even coming out of his mouth. The horror didn't stop there.
His arm was bent extremely out of place, the bone poking out nastily but not breaking the skin, it made Arthur's stomach cringe.
The next thing was….the burns. Merlin's beautiful porcelain skin was now charred looking, dead, and black. Merlin was burned from the stomach up, just reaching the bottom of his face. Some flesh looked to be falling off.
"Merlin!" he screamed when the boy seemed not be breathing. Merlin, of course, did not stir.
Arthur couldn't think straight. What could've done this? Who could've – would've – done this?
He shook his head. He need to act, Merlin could be dying. Pulling out his cell phone, he screwed up his eyes and dialed for an ambulance.
"….Mr. Emrys has several broken bones, the worst being his ribs which nearly collapsed on his lungs as they were damaged so severely, his arm, and his cracked skull. He lost a lot of blood, so we don't expect him to wake up anytime soon and we've treated his burns the best we can," said the hospital nurse, reading Merlin's chart to Arthur. She looked up with a sympathy written across her face. "Would you like to see him?"
Arthur nodded, unable to speak.
She led him into the room and silently backed out as he took in the scene. Merlin was hooked up to some many machines. So many tubes. Looking at the boy himself, it was no wonder. Half his body was bandage heavily as his pale and waxy face showed how poorly he was doing. Arthur closed his eyes.
Merlin was strong, he could get through this.
No, he can't, said the small voice of doubt in the back of his mind. The doctor's seen better burns on a dead man. Merlin's good as gone.
Merlin will make it through, said a stronger voice.
No he won't. Just look at him. He won't survive the next night.
He will.
He won't.
He will.
He won't.
He will.
He won't.
He-
Arthur was cut off from his musing as he felt something cold touch his hand. Opening his eyes, he saw it was Merlin's finger tips brushing lightly against his. He smiled and took the raven's hand.
"You're going to be alright," Arthur murmured. "You'll fine. You'll get through this."
He wasn't expecting a reply.
"Don't…make…..promises….you….can't….keep."
"Merlin!" Arthur looked down. Merlin's eyes were cracked open slightly, just enough so he could see the two little pools of blue. "You're not supposed to be awake."
"Had...to."
"Merlin?"
"Had…..to…..wake….up," he rasped out. He closed his eyes again. "Needed…to…say….goodbye."
"Goodbye? Merlin!" Arthur screamed. The raven opened his eyes again.
"Love…..you…."
"Merlin!"
The heart monitor stopped beeping. All that was heard was the flat tone of death.
One thought ran through Arthur's mind.
Merlin, if you die, I die.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not over come it.
Have hope.
A/N: I'm evil. I admit it.