1/27/13

A new chapter! This is the fourth challenge that I have completed, and I have to say... I really enjoyed writing this one. Maybe it's because I believe that I put a lot of emotion into it... maybe, maybe not. Warriors belongs to Erin Hunter, still.

Tell me how I did with this one, because now... I can make my own challenges!

A Traitor's Story

I'd like to say that I started out this way. I'd like to blame it all on others, saying that they made me who I am today. And in a way, it's true. If my mother would've cared for me, I wouldn't have been so desperate to get the affection of others, at whatever price. If my father noticed me every once in a while, I might not have tried to show off and make others hate me as much. If my littermates didn't ignore me for bragging and actually encouraged me, I might not have promised to never care about my family, who hates me. If she would've loved me back… I would've had a heart, I guess.

But even when I blame this all on them, I now know that it was me, too, who caused me to turn out this way. I know that each of my choices brought me further and further along that path to where I am now. If I would've stopped and thought a little about this… maybe I would be a different cat today.

I can always say that, but somewhere deep inside of me I know that it's not true. I was always going to be like this. I was always going to be hated and looked down upon, no matter which choices I made. I was never enough for them. I was never enough for myself. I couldn't be perfect, in my eyes or in anyone else's eyes either. Why? I will always ask myself that. Even if they didn't love me… why didn't I? If I loved myself, then wouldn't that have caused me to have at least a little of a heart?

I guess I'll never know. I can't go back and change the past. I can only regret my mistakes, and look towards my future. What future is that, you may ask? I can't yet see, but I can tell that the storm may be passing. Or at least settling down a little…

-x-

I started out as a normal kit. Everything was perfectly normal for the first few days after I opened my eyes. I found out that I look a lot like my father. He has dark gray fur with light tabby stripes, which I always thought looked really cool. My pelt is the same dark gray, but instead of stripes, I seem to have spots on my pelt.

I have three littermates. The smallest is a she cat. Her name is Rosekit, and she looks a lot like Mother. They both have a light ginger colored pelt with pale tabby stripes. The first thing I heard Mother say about her is that she's going to be a real beauty when she's older. I wonder what she means by 'beauty'…

My other littermates are tomcats, like me. One has a solid black pelt, and he's called Crowkit. I think it's because he's so grumpy sometimes, but Mother says it's because his pelt is as black as a crow. I like my version better. My other brother is Snowkit, the oddball of the litter, according to Father. Snowkit has a solid white pelt, which Father says is weird because no one in either family has a white pelt. I feel bad for Snowkit, since I wouldn't want to be the oddball.

-x-

How could they do that? Why do they ignore me? Why can't they love me? All I feel is anger… they're my family! Is it something that I did? Did I do something wrong to make them all hate me so much? I guess my littermates don't hate me… but why does Mother hate me? She rarely talks with me, unless she's yelling at me. Everything I do is wrong, in her eyes.

Father's never around. He doesn't visit us like all of the other fathers do. Father is a fox-heart, according to Mother, whatever that means. She said that because he never comes to get to know us. But it's not like she knows us either! The time that I like her most is when she's sleeping and she can't yell at me…

Is that a bad thing, StarClan? Is it bad that I don't love Mother? How can I love her, though, when all she is to me is mean? And Father… why, StarClan, is he never around? Does he not love us, StarClan? Are we not important enough to him? Why doesn't he love Mother? I can tell that Father tries to avoid her…

Did I do something wrong?

-x-

I was so glad to get out of the nursery the other day. Mother and Father were fighting, again. Father came to visit us – why would he wait so long to do that? – and Mother said that he should spend more time with us. We escaped from the den right as the two started fighting and yelling a lot.

We don't really have anything to do, other than to play with the older kits. But they always make mean comments to us about how our parents don't love each other and don't love us, at least like their parents do. I hate them, they're so mean. I can't wait until they leave the den, in one moon. Then we can have some peace from them.

But they're right, aren't they? Mother and Father don't love each other. I can tell by the way they keep fighting. And they don't love us either, do they? They don't talk with us much, they never have said 'I love you' like all of the other parents… they don't even care how much it hurts me to see them fighting all of the time.

Tallkit, one of the meanies, told me today that I was the reason that Mother and Father don't love each other. That we kits were the reason. He said that they loved each other a lot before we came around. I told him he's a liar, and that he's wrong. But StarClan, is he wrong? I wasn't around before, so I wouldn't know as much as he would. He's about four and a half moons older than I am. He would know, wouldn't he?

Why am I the mistake that broke my parents apart? Why don't they love me?

-x-

I hate them. I hate them so much right now! Why don't they understand anything? Why do they think that they can just do whatever, and that nothing they do will 'ever' affect anyone else? Mother and Father said that they weren't going to be mates anymore, so I guess it's official that they don't love each other anymore.

Sister and Brothers have been hanging out with the other kits more and more. After the meanies went on to being apprentices, there were some new kits to play with. So they just leave me behind and go play with the mouse-brained, brand-new kits. They're so boring!

Sister has also been talking more and more with Tallpaw. I don't know why, since he's always so mean to us. She doesn't seem to notice all of the mean comments that he makes about all of us. He says the worst things ever, and she still thinks that he's the best cat in the Clan! My own sister is fluff-brained! How- no when- did this happen?

I can't wait to become an apprentice so that I don't have to be around Mother anymore. Father could care less, but I can't stand it… I want him to see me, to notice my skills! It's all I do when I'm alone- I practice and practice until I'm so tired that I can't stand up anymore! I want him to see how good I am… I want him to like me. He sure likes his apprentice, Tallpaw, the lucky fox-heart.

Why can't he pay attention to me instead? I'm his kit, not Tallpaw!

-x-

I guess one could say that things are getting better for me. I'm an apprentice now, so now I don't have to be around Mother or Father. Mother decided that she would leave the nursery early, so she abandoned us to be in the nursery with the other queens for the last moon during the day. She kept her nest in the nursery, most nights at least.

Father, the fox-heart, won't even go hunting with me without wanting to have his precious apprentice Tallpaw come along. I tried to tell him that I hate Tallpaw, but he didn't listen! He never listens.

But now, I don't have to listen to him. I told him that the other day, when he tried to get me to go hunting with him and Tallpaw. I told him, 'You've never been a father to me, so just leave me alone already! Go be with your apprentice, and stay out of my life!' I probably shouldn't have been that mean, but I couldn't help it! He made me so mad… he always makes me mad. Can't he see that I'm being rejected by him, more and more? He's filling my place in his heart with Tallpaw.

So much for parents. So much for the first thing they ever told me. So much for 'we'll love you forever'. Good riddance.

-x-

Why do they hate me? Rosepaw, Crowpaw and Snowpaw all hate me, I can tell! They hate that I want to be the best that I can be, and always be able to protect my Clan. I don't know why, since they're always saying how they want to be the best that they can be! But when I say it, no! I'm not allowed to say that.

I told Rosepaw about how I'm going to be the best warrior the Clan has ever seen. I told her that I'd always be able to protect her. But guess what she did! She glared at me and told me 'quit bragging, you're just a nobody who wants to be something'. How could she say that? I'm not a nobody… I'm going to be the leader of the Clan, I know it! I'll always do whatever it takes to protect and defend my Clan.

Plus, I'm so good that they should make me a warrior right now. I can beat all of the other apprentices in fighting practice, I can catch the most prey, and I'm always great about border patrols! My mentor, Rippleflame, told me that there was only one thing that I needed to work on before I can become a warrior. And what do you think that was?

Teamwork.

-x-

It wasn't much longer before I was made a warrior. I knew that the leader of my Clan, Maplestar, was really interested in me. She knew that I was the best fighter in the Clan. She knew that I was an amazing hunter too. And she knew that I would be able to be the next deputy of the Clan. She knew that I was ready. She knew that. She always knew that, from the moment I started my training.

So she chose Tallwhisker as the next deputy of the Clan.

-x-

She knew better… why would she do this to me? She knew… I was the one… why wouldn't she have chosen me? How can she expect me to congratulate him on what should've happened to me? Oh well, it will change… everything will change in due time.

I'm the one who's going to be the next leader. Maplestar still has a few lives left; I have nothing to worry about. She's not that old yet. And guess what? When the time comes for her to breathe her last breath, I'm going to be the one who takes her place at the top of the Clan.

I'll show Mother I was more than a nuisance. I'll show Father that I'm someone who should be respected. I'll show Sister that I'm not a nobody. I'll show my brothers who's the best of us all. I'll show the Clan how loyal I am, as I protect and defend them at the cost of my life.

I'll show the entire forest that you can't mess with my Clan.

-x-

Eventually I got over the fact that I wasn't deputy. I still wanted to be, and was having these weird dreams about watching Tallwhisker die right before my eyes before I was called forth to be the new deputy of the Clan. Did it have some sort of meaning? That's what I kept asking myself. So as I trained and made myself better and better… one day, everything would change.

But, instead of worrying and hating Tallwhisker too much – I already hated him, yes, but I couldn't be bothered to ignore him and glare at him at the moment – I decided that I would rather spend my time training… and watching Sandheart.

She was the most perfect she cat that I had ever seen. Her beautiful, golden tabby pelt. Her gorgeous, large bright blue eyes. The way that she purred. Her smile. The way that she walked, and the way that she talked. The way that she always closed her eyes when she laughed, and the way that she made sure everyone else was sleeping before she fell asleep in LeafBare, but still managed to be the first to fall asleep in GreenLeaf.

She didn't notice me in the way that I noticed her. But I would wait for her, no matter how long it took. And she would never, ever know about how I was planning Tallwhisker's death. She would never, ever have to know that it was me. Never.

-x-

Why won't she notice me? I do everything in my free time for her- I always ask her to go hunting, I always try to go on the border patrols with her. I always try to get her alone. She knows that I seem 'attracted' to her. I don't know that much about 'love', since I've never had that as a kit. But I really think that I do love her.

Why can't she see that? Does she not feel the same way towards me? No, of course she does! She knows that I like her, at least. I always try to catch her the best piece of prey, and even once I've told her 'I like you'. She replied 'I like you too', so I think that I'm doing well for someone who's never known love.

And who knows? Maybe, in a few moons, I'll be deputy (or maybe leader) and she'll be a queen. I know that I'll be a better father than my father was to me. I'll give my kits all the love that they want, and I'll never argue with Sandheart. I love her too much to do that.

Is love the feeling that you get when you think that she's the only thing that matters? When you find yourself promising that you'll never do anything to hurt her, and that you'll always be there for her? Is that love?

-x-

I don't understand what happened. I mean, everything was normal. It all happened so fast! Or maybe it happened slowly, and I just never saw it. I must've been too obsessed with my training… that must've been it. Because… it shouldn't have happened!

Today I saw Sandheart with… another tomcat. I know, I shouldn't be worried. I've been trying to tell her how I feel about her for a moon now. I've been doing the best that I could without just spitting the words out. But… it was different today. When she was with the other tomcat, she was purring and laughing and they were far too close to one another to be 'just friends'.

Why didn't I see this happening? Was I too blind, thinking that she'd always be there for my taking? Or was she just never meant to be mine?

After he had to go on a patrol, I confronted Sandheart about the matter. I asked her what she was talking to him about, which she told me that it shouldn't be any of my business. I couldn't help but tell her out I felt towards her at that very moment. 'I love you', I told her. 'I've always loved you, so very much'. She seemed shocked by that and told me that 'she hadn't known'.

That's a load of fox-dung. Of course she knew! I've been indirectly telling her that for a whole moon now! Eh, who needs her? Not me.

But oh, how I want her.

-x-

She's going to be mine… that little fox-dung won't stand in my way for much longer. And once he's out of the picture, then she'll be mine, all mine. I can see him now, licking gently at the river. Nothing but peaceful. Oh, how I will love to destroy that peace!

He's all alone at the moment. He's in for the scare of his life. I can almost feel the life bleeding from him, flowing onto my claws, staining them scarlet… I can see the red, filling my vision, flooding the sky; the forest is turning red with blood… what's happening to me?!

I can hear his breathing. His heartbeat. I'm right behind him now… there's no way that he can stop me. For a heartbeat I think of Sandheart, and what she might feel seeing him dead. But no, she'll be happy with me, I know she will.

The blood is flowing on my claws, and it feels good. I can still smell his fear-scent. His eyes are still open, yet he never even saw me. Why would it even matter, though? She's mine now.

-x-

The entire Clan was shocked when someone – I can't even be bothered to notice who – discovered the body of Dustypelt at the river, his life gone, his blood seeping into the water and turning it a faint pink.

He was already cold when he was found, I know that. I stayed with him until all of the warmth had left his body, swearing to the spirit of my fallen Clanmate that Sandheart would be safe and happy with me. Is that wrong? I don't think so.

Sandheart had been so sad. I hated seeing her so sad, and I tried to comfort her so many times… but she was in too much pain to notice, or even care. She told me to leave her alone, since she wanted to remember Dustypelt in silence. Can't she see that I did this for her?

For us?

-x-

She hates me. I can tell she does. She doesn't even have to say it. After I killed that flea-pelt, she hasn't even given me a glance. She doesn't know… she can't know. She just hates that he had to die. Can't she see that we can be happy together now? Why won't she love me?

Did I do something wrong, trying to get us to live perfectly happy together? Was Dustypelt the only one that could ever make her happy? No, I can make her happy! She just needs to see that…

I'll woo her for the next moon. I'll try hard, very hard. She'll see. She'll see what we can become. We'll be the happiest in all of the Clans!

I didn't do anything wrong. I did it for us.

-x-

Tallwhisker steals everything. My position as deputy, the love and care I should've gotten as a kit, my father… and now my sister, too. They've just announced how they're mate now, and she's expecting his kits. Why, Sister, oh why would you do such a thing to me?

No matter. I guess family is just here to throw you to the ground, to step on you when you're hurt, and to spit on you when you're in pain. They are there to laugh in your face, to mock your dreams, and to crush you down into nothing.

From this day on, my family means nothing to me. All of my loyalty towards them is gone. I am only loyal to my Clan now. My family can be cast aside. Family? What family?

I don't have a family.

-x-

The time has almost come. Tallwhisker needs to count his days, since he doesn't have all that many left for him. He's taken everything, but now I'll be taking everything back. I'll kill him, and then I'll be the next deputy. And then Maplestar will pay, for making him deputy.

She's already old, so no one will suspect anything. I'll just catch her when she's sleeping, hold moss over her face, and press down on her neck until she stops breathing. She'll never even know what happened, until she wakes up in StarClan.

I'll keep my Clan safe. There will be no room for traitors. Everyone will be loyal. No one will desert others, and we'll all be like one. That's how I'll build my Clan. We'll be the strongest in the forest, and the other Clans will follow in my paw steps.

We will rise, and I will lead the way.

-x-

Everything after that happened so quickly. I don't know why, but everything seemed to be like a dream. Like it wasn't real, almost. I didn't think that it was real, at least. Not for a while. But during a battle with one of the other Clans, I saw my chance.

Tallwhisker was going to die.

I remember that I fought the other Clan for a while before turning on Tallwhisker. We had been separated from the rest of the cats, and there was no one to know that I was going to kill him. He wanted to know why I was doing this.

'Why?' I had asked him. Oh, he made me so mad! 'Why you ask? You took everything from me, Tallwhisker. And now it's time for me to take everything back.'

He tried to deny it. He told me that he hadn't taken my father from me, and that Father had only been with him so much because Tallwhisker was his apprentice. He told me that Sister didn't leave me, and that they were just in love with one another. 'Love makes you do crazy things,' he told me.

Yes. Love makes you do very crazy things. I love power, I love my dreams. And I love my Clan. And that's why I found Tallwhisker at my paws, his life bleeding from the rip in his throat. It took mere moments before he went to hunt with StarClan.

I thought that I was alone, that no one had seen. But no. There was a witness. Everything spiraled downward as I heard Sandheart scream.

-x-

Why did she have to see that? I should've been better at hiding it away… she wasn't meant to see something so gory, so cruel. What had I done? I ruined any chances of being with her, and any chances of becoming the next leader. All because she saw… I hated that, but I loved her so much…

That's why I'm in front of the Clan. Why are they all staring at me like I'm some kind of monster? I was just protecting my Clan in the only way that I can – I take out the traitors, and make those who are loyal and worthy rise. Tallwhisker was a traitor, a bully. He deserved what came his way. Why didn't they understand that?

Why… why are they calling me that? I'm not a traitor! He's the traitor! Oh, Sandheart hates me so much right now. Why did I admit to killing Dustypelt? If I hadn't done that, she might've still loved me… no, she never loved me. I have to face the truth.

When did I become the traitor?

-x-

'Get out of our Clan!' The words were shouted angrily at me. 'Traitor!'

I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to become the traitor. I'm the one who tried to protect everyone… if I was able to protect everyone from the traitors, they would never see me this way.

'Get out, traitor. You are banished from the Clan.' Those words stung. Where was I supposed to go? My entire life was with this Clan, my home. My loyalty was here, with my fellow Clan cats. But they wouldn't want a murderer, now, would they?

So I left. I wish they had killed me, and sent me away to the Dark Forest where I belong. That would've made everything easier for everybody.

But no, so I still walk here, all alone, not sure where I'm going. I still look to StarClan… even if they don't shine down upon me anymore. Maybe one day I can get their forgiveness…

-x-

Letting out a groan, I stretched my legs. I hadn't moved in a while now, I had just laid there on the ground doing nothing. My pelt was ruffled and dirty, but I couldn't be bothered to clean it. What was the point anymore?

"Hello?" I looked up, startled by the voice. Who would ever talk with a traitor like me? Standing before me was a tabby and white striped she cat, her green eyes glittering with concern. "Are you okay, Mister?"

"Define 'okay'," I murmured, closing my eyes once more. Maybe death would take me this time.

"If you can't hunt, I can hunt for you," the she cat offered kindly. "You don't have to be alone anymore. There's a whole group of us forming not far from here… if you want to join."

Group? Like… a Clan, almost? Why must my past come back to haunt me, again and again? I didn't make any move to answer her, so I just listened as she padded away carefully. It was for the best that I was all alone.

Before I knew it, though, she was back. Peeling my eyes open, I noticed that a mouse hung from her jaws. She dropped it at my paws.

"Please, take it," the she cat meowed. "You need to eat something, Mister. If you don't eat, you'll die."

"Maybe that's what I've been trying to do," I replied.

"But… that's no way to live! Don't you have a family, or someone, that you care for and would do anything for? You can't just give up!" The she cat meowed sharply, her eyes glittering. Her tabby striped tail flicked back and forth.

"I used to," I replied. "I don't anymore."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the she cat meowed, hanging her head. "I'm Spark, by the way. What's your name, Mister?"

"I don't have a name," I yawned, rolling over onto my side.

"Everyone has a name," Spark countered.

"I've lost my name," I growled. "Call me Traitor. It's what I am."

"I don't believe that," Spark meowed, licking at my ruffled and dirty fur. Yeah, good luck getting that cleaned. "I think you've just lost your way. Come on, join us. Maybe you'll find your purpose there."

"What do you call yourselves?" I asked. I wasn't going to join… I was just curious.

"We don't really have a group name yet," Spark admitted.

"What about… LostClan?" I offered. "For cats that have lost their way, or just become lost in general. A place to look for who you really are, or make who you want to be."

"A… Clan?" Spark murmured. "Interesting. So, does that mean that you'll come and join us?"

There was something about this she cat… I just couldn't say no to her. Did StarClan send me here, to teach these cats about their mysterious ways, and help them with their lives? That was always a possibility… I suppose.

"Sure, why not," I answered, shakily getting to my paws for the first time in days. There, I was a traitor. Maybe here I could be a hero.

-x-

I couldn't help but add that last part in. Just because someone's a 'traitor' doesn't mean that they can't change for the better. Please leave comments below!