Cas was still sitting of the chair staring at the sleeping dean, he had the over whelming urge to touch him, just to feel deans skin against his own, the warmth of his body warming Cas' heart, he needed to be closer to dean. So Cas moved from the chair, so he was sitting beside him on the old sofa. He stroked Dean's face, soothing dean from the recent sudden jolts of energy.

Sam came in the room to cheek on his brother, due to Cas' concentration on dean and all his senses were now centred around him. Cas did not notice the younger Winchester watching him, he didn't even sense it. Sam watched as the angel gently touched deans forehead, ran his light finger across his face and over his lips. It was very intimate and even heart warming so see such care taken over his elder brother. Sam decided not to disturb Cas, knowing he would become awkward and distant and dean needed Cas right now, he said so himself. so Sam returned to the library to continue researching with a reluctant subtle smile that stretched across his dimpled face.

Dean suddenly jerked up wards gasping struggling to breath, dean moved into the arms of his angel, Cas cradled dean, cupping the back of his neck, trying to calm his breathing and erratic painful thoughts,

"shhhh, its okay dean, your home shhh."

Cas soft tone worked and Dean's breathing became quiet and he closed his eyes thanking god for his return. The familiar sight of Cas, made deans heart flip, the familiar smell of old spice that dean smelt on Cas' pale exposed neck made his stomach flip. Feeling Cas' warmth was soothing as dean put his arms around the man, dean breathed in Cas' smell as tear rolled down his cheek he was happy to be back to the world that made sense.

Dean was happy to be embraced without the feeling of extreme sexual chemistry, dammit,

Or without dean wanting to pinned Cas up against the wall, dammit,

Dean pulled away before he got too excited and submitted to urges again.

"Thank you Cas,"

"For what?"

"For being here."

"You asked me to stay, I wasn't prepared to leave you."

Dean smiled realising Cas was a truly awesome angel, above that he was a truly awesome friend, but even above that Dean thought he had the most truly amazing soft lips, dammit

Cas stared into Dean's eyes, he was sure that Cas' deep untamed blue eyes were reading his thoughts, that Cas could see all the images of him and Jimmy all the feelings and ideas he has for Cas. That or it was written all over his face, he licked his lips and made Cas fidget feeling a little awkward under his gaze.

Dean cupped Cas' face with his soft palm sensitive to the stubble that speckled his face, their was no protest, in fact Cas slightly lent into Dean's touch. Dean moved closer and place a dry chaste kiss on Cas' neck, as he pulled away he saw Cas' terror stricken face, frozen from shook of what Dean was doing to him, shocked but not protesting. So Dean continued; he sprinkled Cas' neck with wet kisses and playful nips, when he heard the angels heavy breathing and the silent moans that got caught in his throat Dean relaxed his shoulders and placed more weight over Cas.

"Uh, Dean."

"Yes Cas?"

Dean answered trying to sound as innocent as possible whilst molesting his angel

"Stop, uh stop Dean, uh."

Dean heard the words but did not except them; he ran his right hand up Cas thigh and the other down his chest, sending lustful shocks to all of Cas' limbs

"Stop"

Cas regaining strength manage to push Dean away to both of their surprise

"Cas what's wrong?"

"I asked you to stop Dean."

"You mean that though, right?"

Dean looked worried and hurt; praying for the answer he wished would fall from the angel's lips. Cas didn't answer he did the exact opposite to want Dean was desperately hoping for, what he wanted and needed to hear. With the sharp sound of the flutter of wings which pierced through the defending silence; Cas was gone. A lone tear fell silently from the hunters stinging blood shot darkened eyes and fell to his confused, ghostly white face, baffled at what he had done wrong.

Dean looked for the longest time at the empty place that was, a few moments ago occupied by the most beautiful creature Dean has ever known; it took just a blink from Dean for Cas to disappear. So he hoped that some how a blink was all it took to bring him back. Dean knew it was stupid but he was desperate. He did this until he heard a familiar tension breaking clear throat cough, and Dean's eyes shot up instantly and met with his baby brothers.

"Sam!"

Dean exclaimed and went over to embrace his brother

"This is great dean, am I to expect a hug from you every time you wake up now?"

Dean chuckle and let Sam out of his monster grip.

"I found the beer."
came a familiar voice from the kitchen, Dean went to greet the man he has come to know as a father,

"Hey bobby."

Bobby's eyes widened he didn't not expect Dean awake, much less walking about.

"Come here boy."

Dean hugged Bobby and new he was well and truly home, he had to be. They went into the library and sat around a small table, with book scattered everywhere.

"I'm really getting sick of this guy's, you have no idea how much it hurts, like my brains on fire or something, and it's not getting any fucking better."

"We're working on it. Do you still think its Gabriel's doing?"

Bobby asked slightly hopeful that that was the answer

"No, I don't think so. Sam you remember when we were in TV land, Gabriel loved it, he loved us knowing we were being played. This guy who ever he is looks like Gabriel but is a completely different guy."

There was silence for a long time. Every one trying to think of some explanation, it was Sam's curiosity that piped up

"Dean tell us every thing about that place."

Although hesitant Dean new he had to, just skipping one or two things, mainly Cas even the innocent parts, he couldn't even imagine talking about his angel without stinging eyes or a croaky voice at this point.

"Well I'm at St. Mary's nut house. Sam is married to Jess and living an apple pie life, Dad's in prison Gabriel's the head of the ward, Lilith's a nurse and Bobby, sorry Bobby you haven't come up/"

"Gee thanks."

"Sorry ooh and the ghost facers are patients too."

"Well that doesn't surprise me."

Sam tried to joke, as bobby's eyes rolled he was slightly niffed he wasn't part of Dean's crazy reality.

"Not at all? Not even a doctor or a patient or even a fucking orderly?

Dean shook his head Bobby looked disappointed and his pride wounded. Dean actually felt bad not that he could control his mind.

"Have you found anything?"

Dean asked sounding naively hopeful, Bobby shrugged in a pissed off trying not to show it as there are more important things to worry about way.

"it could be angels a powerful demon or a witch maybe."

"Wow that narrows it down thanks guys,"

Every one got pissed of at this statement; it wasn't like they hadn't tried.

"Watch your tone boy, we've been working non stop for 3 days, while you've been dreaming away."

Dean raised his eyebrows in complete shook, three days? That long here, but not even a day there.

"Sorry."

"Dean? What's on your mind, tell us."

"I said before it felt real, it feels, real, good, normal."

"I know you want it to be true Dean, for all of this to stop, heaven and hell and us in the middle. Dean I can see you hurting any idiot can see that, but there are monsters in the dark, there are demons out there and angels,"

Dean was watching his thumbs clap as the rest of his fingers were laced together in his lap. He was still listening but was trying his hardest to distance himself. But when he heard his brother mention angels his eyes shot up and his body jerked remembering the look Cas carried on his face before disappearing, angels he believed in, his angel he believed in, Sam continued his heart felt speech to a bitter end.

"is real Dean, this is our fucked up screwed to hell family but we are still a family. Don't you think its all to good to be true there?"

"Too good to be true? I'm in the fucking nut house there Sammy, mums still dead dad killed her! and now he's serving life for sadistic murders throughout out the whole country! Yeah life is peachy!"

Sam and Bobby looked at each other very worried that dean has started holding his head again, but the didn't seem like he was going anywhere as he wasn't screaming in gut curdling pain like before, neither of them sure what to say or do,

"You know, Sam was only trying to help, that place is in your head Dean, you believe that, don't you?"

Dean's eyes closed, he thought about Bobby's words. He knew with all the sense he could muster that he should, should know that St. Mary's is in his head. But the more he thought the more his head span, faster and faster, with every pulse he could feel his body shiver from the intensity of his thoughts.

The ground breaking decision he has to make, help fight the inevitable return to the hospital, or welcome it.

Dean hated his life and hated himself for so many years now. He carried with him so much guilt, pain and sorrow, that is weighing him down and eating away at him every second of his bleak existence; he has hardly anymore to give to actually try to live his life.

Every smile since he returned from hell was more often then not, fake. Every single one, used to hide the pain and self loathing by pushing it back down to the pit of his soul.

The one thing that actually made him feel worth anything was, the knowledge that he was always by his side, standing with him, fighting with him, believing in him. The one person that had complete faith in the empty shell of Dean Winchester.

He helped Dean start to piece back the puzzle of happiness, but that was now blown away as he left. Cas had rejected him and left.

There was always Jimmy, Jimmy wanted him, Jimmy needed him, and Jimmy loved him. Cas could never that feel towards the hunter, something Dean was all too painfully sure of. With the knowledge he could never truly have Cas, Jimmy seemed the next best thing. This was enough for Dean to want to down several pots of sleeping pills; to get back to the open arms of that beautiful caring man. But Sam had been right this place; however much it sucked and was destroying his darkened soul, was home was real, maybe.

Dean made a decision; one thing could perhaps hold the answer, liquor.

Dean stood from the table, where Sam and Bobby had been staring at him. He left the two men with tears on their eyes at Dean's lack of response. He went to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and before Sam could protest he took a swig, drank it like apple juice, gulping and slurping. He continued drinking until Sam wretched the bottle from his eager lips.

"Dean, snap out of it! Think clearly."

This received a knock out punch from the already tipsy Dean before he stumbled over his bleeding brother and left the house, whiskey in one hand car keys in another.

"Dean, DEAN!"

It was no use Bobby screamed for him but could hardly wheel after him with Sam lying in the door way. After quickly shaking of the shook Sam ran after his brother. When he reached Bobby's beaten old door, he got there just in time to see the impala screeching of into the distance, until all Sam could see was the tails lights. Despite this, Sam yelled and yelled after his brother again and again, until Bobby reached out and by touching his arm pulled him back to his senses

"He's gone Sam."

Sam immediately pulled out his mobile and dialled for Cas, feeling sick from worry to the pit of his stomach. Dean was in just the right frame of mind to go and do something incredibly stupid, even for Dean. Sam couldn't reach him and knew Cas had a better chance than anyone to get through to Dean.