Emily has just returned to the office she is using while on the task force to check email when her cell phone starts to ring. She groans. She had been hoping to avoid this. She steps to her office door and closes it.
"Hello, Mother."
"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, tell me Jeremy is wrong and your wife and children are staying with you in my suite at the Ritz. Tell me your house is being fumigated. Or at least tell me there is a DAMN good reason you have walked out on your wife and children and your POSSIBLE child!"
Emily sighs. Her hangover headache had been fading. Now it was ramping up again.
"Mother, I have to go. We have a conference call and- -"
"You just finished it! I was notified when it ended. What the HELL is going on with you, Emily?"
Emily sighs. "Mother, I…I was…I am…you know what? Fuck you. I'm an adult. I don't answer to you."
Emily hangs up. Her mother immediately calls back and Emily just sends it to voicemail. After the fifth time Elizabeth calls, Emily hits a couple keys and blocks the number. Yes, there will be hell to pay later but she just doesn't need this shit right now.
Thursday morning what's left of the team gathers in the conference room. Garcia flicks on the screen.
"St Louis, MO. A series of home invasions have turned violent."
"Gee, haven't heard that one before," JJ mutters, her lack of sleep showing.
Garcia just flicks a glance to her and goes back to her recitation. "Survivors have said there are four men. It started with just menacing and stealing. Escalated to minor beatings and threats. And this last one including the man getting badly beaten and the wife getting raped and sodomized. So far everyone has been left alive but police fear the next step is killing."
"And not just any killing. It will be a torturous death," Morgan points out. "They'll be made to suffer before they die."
Hotch nods. "And the media has figured that out." He looks at JJ. "Would you mind stepping into the liaison shoes for this? You know what to do and what to say to try to calm the panic they are spreading."
JJ unconsciously rubs her stomach. "Yes, I'll do that. I'll work on the first press release on the plane."
Hotch nods. "Good." He stands. "Wheels up in 30."
The team starts to get their things together. Garcia walks over to JJ.
"Uh, Jayje? What about Rocky?"
JJ sighs. "I…I don't know. I need to make a call."
"If you need me to I can stay at Chateau Prentiss for you."
JJ smiles. "Thanks, Pen. Let me…I just…give me some privacy?"
Garcia nods. "Anything you need."
Garcia leaves, closing the door behind herself. JJ pulls out her cell phone and sits back down. It rings once before it's answered by a tense sounding Emily.
"Jen? What's wrong? The nesters?"
JJ smiles at the concern in her wife's voice. "They are okay as far as I know. But we're leaving for St Louis."
"Oh." There is a pause. "Jen, I…I want to come home. But I didn't want it like this. I didn't want it forced on you."
"Emily…I want you to be there for our daughter. As to us…we'll work on it when I get back."
"Okay. So, uh, good luck in St. Louis. Hope you all catch the unsub quickly and safely."
"It's a quartet of bastards this time, actually. And I hope we do, too. I'm actually going to wrangle the media this time. Partly because Hotch knows I need to take it easy and partly because he doesn't want to."
Emily chuckles. "Yeah, I can see that." She takes a deep breath. "I won't let you down, Jen. I promise."
"I'm counting on that, Emily. I'll see you when we get back."
"Okay. I…I love you, Jen."
"I love you, too."
JJ hangs up and goes to her desk to gather her things. Garcia is waiting for her. JJ smiles.
"Emily will be there for Rocky."
Garcia sighs in relief. "Good. And, uh, what about you two?"
"A work in progress," JJ admits. JJ stares at her desk a moment then meets her best friend's eyes. "Emily is scared of something. I'm not sure what and I'm not sure if she knows, either. I pray that Westfallen can help her unlock whatever it is. And when she does, the fallout will probably be shattering. But I will be there to help her put the pieces back together if she'll let me."
"If you're sure."
"Very sure," JJ insists. "I do love her, Pen. I may not love what she's doing right now by running away but I love her and I understand why she runs. So, when she's ready to run back to me, I'll be waiting."
"And you'll forgive her?"
"Eventually. Trust me, there will be hell to pay but if she's really changed and really remorseful, yes, I will forgive her."
"You're better than me, Jayje. I am so mad at her right now I don't even know what to think. I'm not sure I will be as quick to forgive. Or if I ever will."
JJ smiles. "Just do what's right for you, Penelope. You'll know what that is when the time comes." JJ swings her go bag up onto her shoulder and grabs her briefcase.
"Right. Well, take care of you and the nesters."
"I will. Talk to you later. Love you, Pen."
"Love you, too, Jayje."
It is just before 6 when Emily parks her Lexus in the garage at Chateau Prentiss. She knows Rocky will be happy to see her. Francesca…she's not so sure about. She makes her way into the kitchen where she can hear the nanny feeding the little girl. Emily watches for a moment from the doorway, drinking in the sight of her daughter. Finally she steps into the kitchen.
"Hi, Sweet Girl," she says with a smile.
Rocky gives the squeal that has always been reserved for her mama. "LOVE! MAMA! LOVE!"
Emily fights the tears that well in her eyes. "I love you, too, Rock."
She leans over and gives her daughter a kiss, getting one in return. She breathes deeply, smelling the unique scent of her daughter…mixed with stewed carrots. As she stands back up she looks at Francesca. The anger and, worse, disappointment in the woman's eyes almost breaks Emily. Emily takes a deep breath.
"VI spiegherò. Promessa."
"Sì, è possibile spiegare," Francesca replies disapprovingly. "Now, go get changed so you can spend time with Rocky."
"Yes, ma'am," Emily agrees.
Emily climbs the stairs out of the kitchen and walks into her bedroom. It's hard to believe it's just been a few nights since she was a complete and utter asshole to her wife. She quickly changes into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. When she walks into the bathroom to grab a rubber band for her hair she runs her hand over the flannel sleep pants Jen had obviously worn.
"You're such a fucking fool and coward, Emily," she chastises herself.
She pulls her hair into a ponytail and goes downstairs to make up for lost time with Rocky. Francesca looks at her as she walks in.
"Have you spoken with Henry?"
"Yes, ma'am," Emily answers. "I called him on the way home."
"Good. Take your time with Rocky. I will clean up in here. After she is in bed, we will talk, yes?"
Emily nods. "Yes. Thank you." Emily sits down to help Rocky eat some pudding. She smiles as the little girl reaches for the bowl. "That pudding looks good, Rock. Can I have a bite."
"NO!" the little girl says with a grin, reaching for the spoon.
Emily chuckles. "I don't blame you. I wouldn't share, either."
When Rocky is done, Emily carries her upstairs to clean her up and change her into her pajamas. After that they lay on the floor in the nursery playing with an activity center. As Rocky starts to yawn, Emily lifts her up and goes to the rocking chair. As she sits down, Rocky snuggles into her mama's arms and reaches for her mother's lip. Emily smiles and kisses the hand.
"Just like your brother you prefer the real thing to the CD. I hope I'm always around to sing it to you, Roxanne."
Emily starts to sing the lullaby. Tears fill her eyes as Rocky slowly relaxes but her blue eyes, so much like JJ's, stay locked on her mother's face. When Emily reaches the end of the song, Rocky reaches up again. Emily obliges her and sings another song. By the end of this one, Rocky is asleep. Emily sings 2 more anyway. She then just sits there, rocking her daughter and thinking.
"What are you doing, Emily? Why are you running from this again? You love your wife, you love your kids, you love this life. What happened to make you just…just shit it all away? No…no you haven't destroyed it yet. You can make this right. You just have to recognize what's going on inside you. What is making you so damn angry that running is the only answer? What the hell is going on in your fucking compartmentalized mind?"
Her self-reflection lasts for another 15 minutes before she finally stands and kisses Rocky once more.
"Goodnight, Sweet Girl."
She lays Rocky down and goes downstairs to face the music with Francesca. As she steps into the kitchen, Francesca turns from putting the last dishes away and glares at the agent.
"Have you eaten?"
"No, ma'am," Emily answers.
"Sit. Talk. I'll make you dinner."
Emily goes to one of the stools at the island as Francesca pulls some leftovers out to make up a plate. Emily takes a deep breath.
"Do you…know what happened in Arkansas?"
"Si. Jennifer told me."
"Something in me has…snapped, Francesca. Inside I am so angry I can't hardly contain it. The smallest things set me off. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't…function as an FBI agent."
"So you run away to some task force?"
Emily nods. "Yes. Until I face what's in me I can't face Jen or the team."
"Then what is it, Emily? What is tearing you up inside?"
Emily shrugs. "That's the problem. I just don't know. Hell, I even snapped at Dr. Westfallen."
"Did she say she will not see you anymore?"
"No. She forgave me at my next appointment."
Francesca smiles. "I had thought she would not be scared off so easily."
Emily sighs as she picks at the food the nanny had placed in front of her. "What if…if I can't fix myself? What if Doc just can't help me figure out what's cracked in my head? Will I lose everything that means something to me?"
Francesca stares into Emily's eyes. She suddenly sees the terror behind the walls the brunette had erected. She reaches over and squeezes Emily's hand.
"You will only lose if you give up, cara. And I have never, ever known you to give up. You will beat this, Emily. You will persevere."
Emily gives her a sad smile. "Grazie, Francesca. Ti amo."
Francesca walks around the counter and gives Emily a kiss on the forehead. "Ti amo, cara. Now, eat your dinner. What time do you need me here tomorrow?"
"I'll need to leave by 6:30."
"Then I will be here at 6:15. Goodnight, cara."
"Goodnight, Francesca."
After the nanny leaves Emily forces herself to eat the food in front of her. Finally done she starts to wander the ground floor of the house. In the activity room her eyes fall on the liquor cabinet. She walks over to it and stares at the bottles inside. She swallows.
"Maybe…I'll just have it ready in case…" she justifies as she retrieves the key and opens the door.
She reaches in and takes out a bottle of Scotch and a glass. With a sigh she relocks the cabinet and goes into the living room. She pours out two fingers and sets both bottle and glass on the coffee table. She is still staring at it 15 minutes later when the doorbell rings. She frowns and looks at her watch.
"Who the hell is here at 9:00 at night?"
She walks to the front door and peers out to see…a VERY pissed off Penelope Garcia. She turns off the house alarm and opens the door. Garcia blows by her in a riot of colours.
"EMILY ELIZABETH PRENTISS I AM SO PISSED AT YOU I BARELY KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!"
Emily sighs and shuts the front door, locking it and resetting the alarm. Garcia spins around in the foyer.
"How DARE you speak to Hotch and the team the way you did! And DOUBLE how DARE you leave JJ when she is trying to get pregnant with your next child! How the hell does she not stress and give the nesters a chance if she's worried that you're going to leave her? HOW? And, yes, maybe there were bad decisions made in Arkansas and maybe even in Long Island but, damn it, Emily, those people love you and care for you! Nothing that happened to you was part of some fucking plot to destroy you! And in case you are wondering, every case we have, every time someone is hurt or killed before I find information in cyberspace that helps it hurts me. When I can't find something in time to keep one of you guys from being hurt it nearly destroys me! How DARE you think I could have figured out quicker who the unsub was! How fucking DARE you!" She takes a deep breath. "And then you disable your phones, disable your car to hide from us. Do you know how fucking scary and irresponsible and just…just…STUPID that was? DO YOU?"
Emily nods and answers weakly. "Yes."
"Then tell me, Emily, what the fuck do I do with you? Do I beat you back to your senses or do I walk out of here and never speak to you again?"
Garcia's face is red from exertion and fury. Her pulse is jumping in her temple and her whole body is tense as if ready for a fight.
Emily, on the other hand, just crumbles. "I don't know."
She bursts into tears and leans back against the door. Garcia, though still mad, can't stand to see her friend like this.
"Shit. Come here."
She pulls Emily into a hug and holds her for a couple of minutes. The analyst then turns enough to guide Emily into the living room. She sees the alcohol on the coffee table as she sits down on the couch with Emily. She raises Emily's face and stares into broken eyes.
"Talk to me, Emily," she encourages softly.
"I…I don't know…"
"Nothing you can say will hurt me. It will hurt me more if you don't even try," Garcia presses.
Emily pulls away, wiping the moisture off her face as she tries to gather herself.
"I'm so fucking fractured inside, Pen," Emily finally says. "Every time I close my eyes I see Ridgeley or Blair. Sometimes both. I can't…can't not see them or feel their…" she shakes her head. "And then I get mad at Hotch and Morgan all over again. And when I get mad at them you, Jen, Reid and Rossi aren't far behind. I keep finding something to blame each of you for."
"Then why not confront each of us? Why not give us a chance to apologize or defend ourselves?"
Emily shrugs. "I don't know. No, that's not true. Pen, I don't trust you all right now. I hate that so much but it's there."
"Even…even Jayje?"
"Yeah, even Jen."
"Oh, Emily."
Garcia thinks a minute. Her time volunteering with a survivors group has given her insight into people's mental states. Her powers of observation are keen, too. She glances at the Scotch.
"Em, have you been drinking tonight?"
"Not tonight."
"But other nights?"
Just when Garcia thinks Emily isn't going to answer, she does. "Only way I can sleep is to pass out. But I can't do that tonight. Tonight I have to keep my wits about me for Rocky. But without the alcohol they'll come back to me."
"Who will?"
"The monsters," she answers softly. "Ridgeley, Blair, and some of Doyle's men. I know Jen told you all about the brand. Doyle's right hand, Liam…he would have…he'd have been as bad as Blair. Maybe almost as bad as Ridgeley if he'd gotten a chance at me. I see those faces unless I get so plowed I don't even remember lying down to sleep. I may never sleep again, Pen."
Garcia studies her friend. It suddenly dawns on her what has Emily so messed up. The strong woman is faced with a reality she can't accept. Garcia takes both of Emily's hands in her own.
"Emily, you are a victim."
Emily frowns. "What?"
"All these years you stood for the men and women and children who were victims. Now you are one of them. Emily, you were sexually assaulted. Twice."
Emily starts to shake her head. "N- -no. I'm not…I was just…no…they didn't rape me."
"But they tried. Ridgeley molested you and told you what he planned to do. Blair sat on you, made you feel his hard penis on your stomach, started to strip you. Neither completed the act but if you were reading those reports about another woman what would you say she was?"
Emily is still shaking her head. "No. No. NO! I'm not a victim! I'm a God damned Federal Agent not a fucking victim!"
Garcia shakes Emily's hands gently. "Emily, now you are both."
Emily is staring into Garcia's eyes. She sees compassion and honesty in them. She tries out the statement in her head.
"I am a victim."
She nearly throws up when she realizes it's true. She bursts into hard, sobbing tears. Garcia pulls her close, her heart breaking for her friend. Emily doesn't need anger or recrimination now. She just needs love and support.
"I've got you, Em. I'm here for you. I swear I am. We all are. You'll make this right with us once you fix yourself. I know you will. We love you, Em. That hasn't changed I swear. We love you so much."
Over the years Emily had shed tears for victims and survivors of the many cases she had been part of. She had cried for the Jareau's when the scabs over the death of Amy had been ripped open for no reason. She had cried for Hotch, Hailey and Jack. She had even cried for Henry when he started to realize how hard it was to have his Daddy living so far away. A few times she had even cried a few tears for herself when she related to victims or when she was suspended for no good reason. But this time…this time…
…she just cries for herself.
For the horrible experiences that had happened recently and in the past. She cries and sobs, wishing the tears would wash away the memories. But they don't. Instead when she finally stops crying 30 minutes later she just feels lighter emotionally than she has ever felt in her life. Garcia wipes away the last of the tears.
"Are you okay, Em?"
Emily nods a little. "I'm better. I'm…I'm a…a victim, Pen."
"You're more than that, Emily. You're a survivor. And that's important to remember," Garcia points out.
"A survivor. An angry survivor."
"Good. You need to be angry to survive. You need to be angry to deal with everything this means. And I warn you, it won't be easy. You have a long road to walk." Garcia frames Emily's face with her hands. "But you listen to me and you listen good, Emily Prentiss: you do NOT walk that road alone. I will be right there with you. So will Jen and Morgan and the whole team. You will make your amends and we will walk with you down the road you have to travel. Understand?"
Emily manages a small smile. "I understand." She takes a breath. "Pen…I'm scared. So very scared."
"I know." She points at the Scotch. "That doesn't make the fear go away. It just dulls it and makes it come back even stronger the next time. Love is what conquers fear." She stands and pulls Emily up. "Come on: let's put this away and go to bed. I know I'm not JJ but I plan to hold you tonight. And if those nightmares come back, and to be honest, honey, they probably will, I will be there to remind you that they are just dreams and that you are safe."
Emily smiles at the vibrant woman. "I don't deserve this, Pen."
Garcia grins. "I know. You can buy me something pretty."
Emily pulls her into a hug. "Count on it."
Together they get the alcohol locked away and go up to the master bedroom. That's the first time Emily notices Garcia had brought her go bag. She can't help but smile.
"Pen, what if I had been a shit and didn't accept your intervention?"
Garcia smiles. "I have a key, Em. I only rang the bell so I could blow past you all blustery so you knew how pissed I was. If you'd tried to lock me out you don't even want to know what I would have done to you to get revenge."
Emily nods. "Yeah, I can believe that. Thanks for being blustery, Pen."
"Anytime, Em. Anytime."
That night Emily sleeps without the aid of alcohol…and the nightmares leave her alone for the night.
Transation per Babylon Translator:
* I will explain. Promise.
** Yes, you will explain.