Chapter Four: Send in the Clowns – Reprise

Don't you love farce? My fault, I fear.
I thought that you'd want what I want-
Sorry, my dear.
Send in the Clowns.

Jon took one last look in the mirror, straightening his combination cap. Haruka had returned to Colorado Springs that morning and it was time to speak to her about returning to the SGC. He thought this decision over many times over the past week and half and he'd come to the same conclusion each time. He was need out there though the Stargate. It was up to him to make sure SG-1 made it home safely and now it was time to make his case with Haruka.

He'd tried to talk to Cassie about his choice, but she didn't seem to want to listen. Any time the two of them were in the same room and he started talking about it, she got up and left, not only the room but the house. She'd been sleeping at Sam's house lately more than she had at their house.

Opening his bedroom door, he came face to face with Cassie, the hand poised to knock on his door. He hadn't seen her for a few days and there were dark circles under her eyes, like she hadn't been sleeping well. When she saw what he was wearing, she stepped back.
"Never mind I'll talk to you later. I take it you're heading to the Academy to talk to the General?" She put a little too much emphasis on General and he wasn't sure why.

"Yes, Haruka got back this morning. She was delayed by some meetings in Washington and the term starts next week and I'd like things to be settled by then."

Cassie nodded and Jon could see her disappointment as she turned away. "I just wanted you to know I'm heading back to Sam's. I'm watching Jasmine for her, it's the nanny's day off and Sam got called into work. I'll see you later."

She walked away, but Cassie looked back at Jon one last time before she disappeared out the door and he had hope they still might work things out between them.

Jon watched her walk away, wanting to call out for her to stop, that he wasn't going to to this, but then he thought of all those dead. He was sure he could have made a difference if he'd been there in that battle. Sure SG-1 had come home but a lot of people hadn't.

Once he had his orders, Cassie would come around and Jon didn't allow him to think about what would happen if she didn't.

Kami-sama… Haruka sat at her desk feeling sick as she read the report in her hand. What am I sending this year's graduates out into? These Ori were an overwhelming force and they had not just destroyed one of Earth Battle Cruisers and a few Ha'tac vessels, but damaged the other one and also two Asgard Vessels as well.

Dropping the paper she put her head in her hands, fighting the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach, but both she and the Cadets knew what they had signed up for and what they were required to do, but this was….

Picking up a sheet of paper, she once again began her short list for the SGC, knowing these men and woman had to be the best and brightest, but she couldn't help feeling a slight fear for not only herself, but the whole world. Her hand shook as she put Nate's name down, but she still did her duty.

She was glad when there was a knock at her door to pull her from her gloomy thoughts. "Enter."

Jon stepped inside and stood in front of her, snapping off a smart salute. "Cadet O'Neill asking for an audience Ma'am."

At this tone, Haruka knew this wasn't a social visit and addressed him accordingly. "Yes Cadet O'Neill, what can I do for you?"

Jon came in and stood in front of her desk. "General, I know I made a commitment to get my DSc but I need you to know that I have decided to test out of the Academy and ask to be transferred to the SGC."

Haruka had expected anything but this. Under her breath she cursed the stupidity of this and Loki for creating this complete and utter moron. "Cadet, are you sure about this? I need, mean they have Jack; do they really need you too?"

Leaning over her desk he stared right at her. "You most of all know they don't have Jack, not the way they need him. He's stuck behind a desk in Washington. They need me in the field. I'm not saying this because I have some hero complex. Haruka, I'm sure you've been informed what happened when the Ori tried to establish a beachhead. What we lost, I can't sit here and keep learning most of which I already know hiding. Let me go, please."

Drawing a deep breath, Haruka tried to control her anger before she spoke. Who did this child think he was talking to? "Jon, there is so much you could give the world. Don't do this, please. Think of what will be lost if you die."

Jon stepped closer to the desk. "That's not going to happen and I promise once this war is over I will complete my studies and do my DSc like I promised. But I need to do this, it's too important. I can help more there than I can here. After all those deaths, they need seasoned officers to help. Look at what they lost when the Korelev blew up and how many died on the Odyssey."

"Jon, are you even listening to your own words? These Ori aren't playing around. They destroyed an F304 and crippled the others with only a few shots. Even the Asgard vessels had to make a run for it and you think you are going to turn the tide, save the universe? A bit full of ourselves, aren't we?"

"It's a chance I'm going to have to take. I'm still very young I will have time when we're not at war do finish Jack's work. I have so much to offer the SGC; you have to see why I want to do this."

An angry glare flared up in Haruka's eyes and she rose to her full height, slamming her hand on her desk. "You are way out of line cadet!"

"Ma'am?" In the shocked stupor he found himself in, he noticed numbly she was still taller than him.

"There's no way I'm sending a teenager into a war which is, as always, fought by grown men and women. Know your place!" She hissed in a tone which knew no talking back. At the same time, the temperature in the room had dropped a good 20 Kelvin. "You are not Jack and once you accept that fact your life will be much easier. Do you really want to follow in his footsteps that badly and live that life all over again? Jon, you have a chance that most people would die or commit mass murder for. Follow your dreams and not Jack's life. Bakayarou."

Jon took a step back, surprised at Haruka's anger and tone of voice, biting like a shark's teeth. His eyes closed as regret and shame washed over him. His commandant was right, he wasn't Jack and he had absolutely no right to speak to her as he had. As he reopened his eyes, their gaze fell upon that blasted Sumi-e scroll of Haru- no, the Commandant's, just behind her back. The painting of the Beach Stroker, the Isonade, and currently, he wasn't sure if the picture hadn't come to life and the shark demon hadn't transformed into the proud soldier in front of him.

He didn't speak, instead he saluted and backed out the door before closing the door. Haruka's words rang in his ears as he stepped out into the sunshine. His mind was reeling; when the hell had he forgotten that he wasn't Jack? Haruka wasn't his academy buddy, but Commandant of the Cadet Wing, Chair of Astronomy, Vice-Head of Faculty, his CO and mentor. There was a chain of command and he stepped over the line big time. Had he really thought he could speak to her as an equal? A Brigadier General?! He wasn't Jack, he hadn't been for a very long time. Jon thought he'd come to grips with that but now he could see plainly that he hadn't.

He was very lucky Haru-the Commandant hadn't tossed him out of the Academy by his ear or broken him into tiny little pieces to be swept under the rug. Or fed to the fishes.

Heading across the campus, he thought about all the ways he could apologize not only to Haruka, but to Cassie as well, the way's that he should. Haruka's was the most important, his mentor, his boss, not his buddy and once he accepted that, the whole world would fall more clearly into place.

It wasn't up to him to dictate where he served and when, he knew that. He had signed up to be a soldier following in those footsteps of Jack's but Haruka had shown him there was another path, the one Jack had abandoned. He hadn't wanted Jack's life in the shadows. He seen what it had done not only to Jack but his wife and child and he didn't want to do the same thing to Cassie.

Starting to walk again he headed toward the Academy chapel and sat down in one of the pews. He didn't pray exactly but he did ask for forgiveness. Only once he felt this had been done, did he get to his feet to return to Haruka's office, hat in hand.

Haruka sat behind her desk staring at the page in front of her not taking in a word. She been staring at the same three words since Jon had left. Her hands clenched into fists as she tried to control her disappointment. 'Clown. Fool. Jon-no-baka! How dare…'
There was a knock at the door and Jon stuck his head in the door waving his white handkerchief. When she gestured him to enter, he closed the door behind him and fell into a formal bow on all fours, the forehead touching the floor. A dogeza. In the middle of her office.

"I've come to beg forgiveness. I was way out of line earlier. I betrayed not only you but the life I was building for myself. After I read that report, I needed to do something…" He sighed, not looking up. "But now is not the time. You were right, I'm not ready for the SGC. I may have Jack's memories, but I am not him, not any longer. I don't have to be ruled by his choices. I ask to be allowed to continue my research with you as my supervisor."

Haruka shuffled some papers before looking over the desk to inspect him. "All right, but that paper better be excellent; better than anything I've ever seen from Jack. You have a lot to make up for." She drew a deep breath. "Rise, Kumoshi-kun," Haruka ordered in Japanese, emphasizing the suffix which indicated a young man. "You are aware you owe someone else another dogeza?"

Jon, who had scrambled to his feet, bowed again in shame. "Hai, sensei. I just wonder if she is even willing to listen to me…"
"If I was you, I would start with the dogeza and finish with the apology," the General suggested, grinning. "Self-humiliation is always a good start." She waved her hand at the door. "Now off you go, I have a lot of work to do before the term begins and so do you. In more ways than one."

Jon snapped off a smart salute and left the room, wondering if he could make things right with Cassie.

AN: Fun Fact: Sensei, the Japanese address/word for teacher/master means literally "one born beforehand"= one's elder.
Dogeza, the formal bow, is the physical form of an apology or a strong affirmation of what one is saying, meant to "kill" the ego of the speaker.

There are two more chapters up on my site and if you would like to check them out Google my penname and you will find me. I love to hear from you whether you liked it or loved it. :0P

Also I have published two original pieces of work on Kindle you can find a link to them on my website as well.

if I get enough review I will be pushed to add the chapter early, like Friday, instead of later next week. I have one so far this week but I think I could handle a few more.