Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
By: DMEX
Ch. 6
Angels Day in Court (PART 2)
Previously on Harvey Birdman:
(Sirens wail, police radio chatter)
Multiple Officer Jennies cock and point heir guns at them. They put their hands in the air. They slam them on their cruiser
Officer Jenny: You are both under arrest! You have the right to remain silent-
Harvey: So what did Panty and Stocking do this time? Fighting? Cursing in school, Assaulting the Gym Teacher-
Garter: PANTY WAS HAVIN' F**KING SOME DUDE AND STOCKING WAS BEING DA LOOKOUT!
Panty: AGH! Where the f**k is Garter?! He was supposed to pay our bail an hour ago!
Stocking (angry): THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED F YOU HADN'T GONE TO THE IMMORAL HOTEL AND HAD SEX WITH THAT DUDE, YOU F**KING WHORE!
Garter: BOTH YA'LL SHUT YOUR TRAPS! NOW LISTEN UP! YOUR ASSES ARE GOIN' TA COURT! AND I GOT YOU A DAMN GOOD LAWYER TA MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET 7-10 YEARS IN JAIL!
Brief: Um, all rise for-
(reads slip of paper)
Brief (shocked): WHAT?! ERIC BISCHOFF?!
Garter: AW, HELL NO!
Panty (shocked): WHAT THE HELL?! WHY HIM OF ALL PEOPLE?!
Stocking (shocked): GAME OVER PANTY! WE'RE SCREWED!
Harvey: This is not good.
Bischoff: THANK YOU ALL! YOU MAY NOW BE SEATED! This frickin' court is in session!
(slams gavel)
Tonight, the conclusion.
-Court-
Judge: Eric Bischoff Bailiff: Brief
Prosecution: Scanty and Knee socks (The Demon Sisters) Defense: Harvey Birdman
Bischoff: Alright, Demon girls go first and then Harvey, you get to make your opening statement.
Scanty: Thank you, Your Honor.
KneeSocks: Ladies first, as it should be, not like them sluts over there.
Panty: F**k you!
Bischoff: You'd like that wouldn't you.
Panty: Chauvinist pig.
Bischoff: I can arrange that.
Knee Socks uses magic and turns Gohan into a pig
Bischoff: There you go. He's all yours, just how you like them.
Stocking: I sense sarcasm.
Knee Socks: Anyway, the reason we are here in court is to prosecute those skanks Panty and Stocking to the fullest extent of the-
Bischoff: AW SHUT UP! YER DRIVING ME NUTS!
Scanty has a red anger mark on her head
Scanty: EXCUSE ME, WE WEREN'T DONE-
Bischoff: Quite frankly, I really don't give a rat's ass.
Knee Socks: RUDE!
Bobby Rhoode (angry): BACK OFF! I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!
Knee Socks: I WASN'T REFERING TO YOU, JACKASS!
Bobby Rhode: Good, then we don't have a problem.
Angry Birds break the wall and beat up Rhoode and take him off somewhere
Harvey: May I, Your Honor.
Bischoff: If it doesn't put me ta sleep.
Harvey: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my clients are young, and don't think like the rest of society. Panty was at a hotel doing what majority of women do for Valentine's Day WHEN THE POLICE CAME AND ARRESTED THEM AND NOW ARE BEING SUED IN COURT FOR JUST HAVING SOME HARMLESS SEXUAL FUN IN WHICH-
Bischoff: SHUT UP!
Stocking: How do you like that, not only does he hate women when they speak, he hates Harvey.
Panty: He was defending my honor, WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE BITCH-OFF!
(SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to hold their laughter in)
Bischoff: I frickin' get it, we all know Bischoff is a funny name.
Harvey: uhh…
Bischoff (angry): NOBODY ASKED YOU, HARVEY!
Stocking: You do bitch a lot.
Bischoff (angrier): THAT'S IT! MY CHAMBERS, RIGHT FRICKIN' NOW!
-Bischoff's Chambers-
Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and X-Pac have baseball bats in hand and are guarding Bischoff
Bischoff: So, you wanna cause trouble eh? Think it's funny to have those potty mouth angels mock my frickin name?!
Harvey: Well to be fair, Your Honor-
Scott Hall: Pick your next words carefully, Birdbrain.
Kevin Nash: Cause we'll kick your ass.
X-Pac: And stick you where the sun don't shine.
Scott Hall: Seriously?
X-Pac: The toilet.
Kevin Nash: Yeah, we'll do that as well!
Knee Socks: Your Honor, you told us to shut up when we we're presenting our opening statement! Have you no manners?!
Bischoff: Depends. Who's asking?
Scanty: US!
Bischoff: OUT!
-Moe's Tavern-
Garter: CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ASSHOLE?!
Harvey: I know. The judge who was supposed to take this case is not here right now.
(Panty is seen chugging a beer)
Harvey: Is she even of legal age to be drinking?
Moe: Who cares? They're angels.
Garter: I CARE!
Stocking: No you don't.
Panty is taking her clothes off and looks like-
Moe: HEY! YOU WANNA HAVE RELATIONS, TAKE IT IN THE BATHROOM!
(Door busts open)
Nash: YO, SYZLACK! GET SOME DUFFS FOR US!
Hall: AND MAKE IT QUICK!
X-Pac: OR WE'LL BEAT YOU UP AGAIN!
Moe: I don't serve to guys who work for Sleazy E!
Hall: That's Judge Bischoff ta you.
Harvey: This is not gonna end well.
fighting, bathroom door opens and Panty tosses out the sink
Panty: SHUT THE F**K UP! I'M TRYING TA HAVE SEX!
Stocking: Does she have to do that in public?
-Court-
Harvey: State your name to the court for the record.
Brief: My name's Brief.
Harvey: And how long have you known the defendants?
Brief: 2 years and 57 days.
Patrick: That's a lot of f**king days.
(Mr. Krabbs grabs Patrick by his mouth and drags him out of the court room)
Harvey: And during that time, what was the one thing you've wanted to do.
Nash: OBJECTION! No one a gives a crap.
(jurors mutter)
Bischoff: Motion granted.
Harvey: Your Honor, you can't be serious!
Hall: Nobody asked you.
Bischoff: Next witness.
-Court-
Hall: So Stockin' Chockin', what's yer bra size and how do you-
Beats Hall with Chuck
-Court-
Nash: How many times have you-
Panty: Oh, you mean "that"? Well I don't like ta brag, but I've f**ked 1000 men, Brief being my 1000th.
Faarooq: DAMN!
Harvey: Objection.
Bischoff: Shut yer trap.
Stocking: AT LEAST I CAN KEEP MY SKIRT ON, YOU F**KING WHORE!
Panty: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BACAUSE MEN ARE ALL OVER ME!
-Court-
Harvey: Isn't it true that you were paid tons of money to defame my clients?
Scanty: Yes, we were. Bischoff wanted a favor, but then we rightfully turned down that sexist pig.
Knee Socks: Can you believe he actually WANTED us to take our clothes off and make us beg?!
Everyone gasps and pull out weapons on Bischoff, Nash, Hall and Pac
Hall: Okay, we can explain.
Everyone chases them out of the courtroom in angry mob form
Panty: Wanna call it even on this one?
Knee Socks: Seeing as it's Eric f**king Bischoff, I think we can call a truce on this one.
-Harvey's Office-
Harvey: Well, looks like you won't be doing jail time.
Panty: Thank God. I don't even think I can survive prison, not to mention-
Stocking: Oh stuff it, Panty!
Gohan: ISN'T ANYONE GONNA TURN ME BACK?!
Deadpool: Hey baby. How old are you?
Panty: Depends, who's asking?
Deadpool: Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth and I look like Ryan Reynolds underneath the mask.
A brick comes flying through Harvey's window
Peter Pottomus (from below): I'M GONNA GET MY JOB BACK, DEADPOOL! JUST YOU WAIT!
Deadpool: Yeah, I'd like to see ya try ya fat sack a crap!
Deadpool Voice: YOU MEAN LIKE STOCKING?! SWEET! I CALL FAT SEX!
Stocking (pissed off): I HEARD THAT!
chases Deadpool out with her katana, everyone laughs
(Harvey Birdman Credits with P&S End Credits theme)
To be Continued