This chapter will only contain Santana's POV., while the second is Quinn's POV and the third is the epilogue. I wanted to put it in just one chapter but it'll be too long so I cut it into three chapters..But still it was just like one very long ENDING..:D
I just want to take this opportunity to thank all of those who spent time reading this and write their precious comments, those who didn't hesitated to click follow and favorite. LOL I really appreciate all of it..^_^
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Anyways, here's part 1.. Enjoy reading..^_^
"There ain't no way you can hold on
to someone that wants to go, you understand?
You can only love what you got
while you got it."
- Kate DiCamillo
SANTANA's POV
I stop walking once I reached the end of the hallway, good thing that my group is inside and so we could freely talk here without someone interrupting us.
She sighs, her head bowed down while she fidgets with her fingers. "I missed you. San." She whispered. I could hear uneasiness in her tone and a lot of hesitation, maybe she's scared I would make fun of anything that would come out of her mouth. I wish I could but I wouldn't, not this time.
I just look at her, my arms folded in front of me with my expression hard as a rock. I never really expected to see her so soon, how could she have the audacity to show her face to me right now. Maybe I'm not really over the fact that she made a fool out of me by sleeping with Rachel.
"Is that all you have to say to me, because I need to get back inside." I said with acidity in my voice. Can you blame me for treating her like this? She was my girl friend; she can't just have sex with anyone and give a shitty excuse of being drunk. That's just so unacceptable!
I heard her sigh again, "I know everything is still fresh but you can't stop me from hoping you would give me another chance." this time she move closer to me, as her eyes search for mine. "I need you San. Please give me one more chance to prove how much I love you. I regret all the things that I've said and done." Her eyes are starting to become red, I am very aware that her tears will soon fall.
I need out from this, how could I tell her that the reason I can't give her another chance is because I never really loved her the way she did. Is there a better way to say it? If ever there is then I'm all ears. "Please don't do this." I wanted to say it in a firm voice so she would get the message but I couldn't. I can't really intentionally hurt her after all.
"Are we really over San, just like that?" Believe me, there are a lot of hurtful things that I wanted to say to her just to answer that question. But instead I bit my inner cheek and just nod at her; I am tired of all the fighting and yelling just to have my point across to someone.
She starts to sob now while she leans into the cold wall, so much disappointment and hurt in her face. "I was unfair to you Elle when I thought that I could teach my heart whom to love. Instead of giving you a chance for me to love you for whom you are. I forced myself to think that you're the best of both women that I loved before." I feel so ashamed of what I am saying right now but I have to be honest for her once and for all. "Until even I, believed that lie. I'm not aware that I'm starting to make things worse. You're a great friend just..just not as my girl friend."
I could see how my words start to make her world crumbling down. Guilt is the first emotion I feel right now, then followed by pity, sadness and lastly regret. I wish I could do something to prevent this from happening, but this is the only way we could both free ourselves.
I walk closer to her as I watch the tears freely flowing on her cheeks. Am I a monster? I do feel guilty for making her cry like this but I can't lie to myself anymore. "Say something, Elle." I said softly.
She looked me in the eyes as she lowers her gaze into my lips and then back to my eyes again. "What do you want me to say? You want me to lie to you and tell you that I am happy? You want to hear that I'll be fine with this, just to ease your conscience?" she snapped then moves closer to me invading my personal space. "I can't do that. I'm that selfish, San." She whispered.
I step back a little to put some space between us, not that I'm scared I would kiss her or anything, it's just that I don't think too much closeness will help us in our situation right now. "You're not selfish Elle, you never were. You're full of respect and love, that's what I like about you." I said and I mean every word.
"Can't you even use that as a reason to forgive me and start again?" I want to stop looking at her begging eyes, just to see her like that makes me feel so guilty. "Never in my whole life, that I ever wanted someone so bad that I'm willing to get down on my knees and beg." Oh for fuck's sake, she's going to cry again.
I shook my head, "Hey, don't say that. I just can't anymore, okay? Please respect that." I'm really hoping Marco would find us and tell me to go back inside. I think it was clear already that there would be no second chance for both of us. She just needs to wrap her mind into it and live with it.
She let out a deep sigh then looked me straight in the eyes, "San.." Damn those sad eyes, but I need to be firm on this. I can't lead her on; it'll be unfair for the both of us. I breathe in and out to gather some courage to finally end this conversation.
I look straight to her and show her how serious I am on what I'm about to say, "You hurt me Elle when you cheated on me with my best friend You both hurt me so much that I can't even trust anyone right now." She looked down but I reach for her face to look at me again. "That's how badly you messed up Elle and I know I did too. I won't say that I cannot forgive you in the future because Britt and I became friends again after she cheated on me, but what I can assure you is that I will try my best to forgive you."
I waited for her to respond, just to say anything or to tell me how sorry she was. "Is this has something to do with Quinn?" I was expecting her to say anything, just not this. I don't think I know the answer for that anyway.
I sigh, "I don't know." I avoided her gaze and start to move away from her. "Maybe. I'm gonna be real to you Elle. I do want to be with her but I'm not sure if I can trust anyone right now. I still feel like a mess because of all this things."
"Oh, I see." That's all she could utter and suddenly she looks defeated. All the passion and eagerness I saw a while ago are all gone. Now her shoulders are down while her head bowed down. "So it's really over then?" her voice cracked but her gaze is still not meeting mine.
"Yes." I managed to answer her in a soft tone. "But please be okay with this Elle."
Finally when she looks up to me, my heart broke when she gave me fake smile. She breathes deep and bit her lip. "I will be I just need time, someday maybe."
"I really hope someday when we see each other, we could be friends." I sincerely said while I reach for her hands and squeeze it. "I mean it."
She nods. I always thought that when someone is crying while she smiles means it's a happy tear but in her case it's definitely not it. I could see how hard this is for her, the pain in her eyes don't hide much even if she tries to cover it up with that smile.
I can't take it any longer, I pulled her in for a hug and that instant she burst into loud sobs. I don't know what words to say so I just close my eyes and let myself cry too. "Before anything else I just want you to know that I love you so much Santana." She whispered in my ear in between her sobs. "And because of that I'm willing to let you go, even if it's killing me inside." My heart became even heavier with that.
We stayed like that for some minutes and then when we both settled down from all the crying, we pulled away from each other slowly. "Thank you San, I needed that." She said with such gratefulness in her eyes as we both wipe the remaining tears in our faces.
"Take care of yourself." She just nods as she gives me a weak smile then land a quick kiss on my cheek. I close my eyes to avoid seeing more sadness in her eyes.
"They say you will never realize the importance of something not until it was gone." Regrets, that's what she's showing to me right now. "I'm so sorry for causing you pain and being stupid for doing it." She said sadly then let out a deep sigh. "Bye San." She whispered as she turns around.
I watch her as she walks away from me. Someone always needs to say goodbye even if hurts inside. I wanted to tell her how sorry I am for causing her pain too. I wanted her to know how grateful I am to her for giving me all the best she could give even if I didn't gave her enough in return. I really wish she could find someone who could make her happy.
"Goodbye." I said which is eventually followed by a deep sigh.
"Forgiveness is a gift of high value.
Yet its cost is nothing."
- Betty Smith
When I came home after work, I saw a bouquet of pink and white tulips down on my front door. I picked it up, very confused to whom it might be from. I didn't bother to lift the small card to its place. I could perfectly see what's written on it.
-0000-0000-0000-0000-0000-
Santana,
Sorry for all the things I've done.
But if you still care to start over please have dinner with me tonight?
6 o'clock at Sirio Ristorante near Central Park.
-0000-0000-0000-0000-0000-
Only one person came into my mind after seeing these tulips and that would be Rachel. I shook my head as I open the door and go inside my apartment. I place the bouquet on top of my center table and stare at it while I remove my coat. There's only one thing to find out if I was right if this is from her.
As I lazily sit on my couch, I reached out for the phone and dial Kurt's phone. Still gazing at the flowers while I wait for Kurt to pick up, am I ready to see her again?
"Hello? Hummel Berry abode."
"For fuck sakes Hummel, you still haven't changed your answering spiel shit?" I laughed at him.
"Well hello to you to Satan." He greeted me. "What's up?"
I need to be straight to the point; I didn't call him to ask how his day was and such shits. "Is she back?" I asked seriously.
I heard a sigh, "Yes. She came home this morning. But she'll be just for two days I guess." And then he stops. "Why?"
I knew it! It was from her. "She sent me flowers and asked me to dinner." I plainly said.
"Oh." That is not a shock oh. "You know about this?" I asked in an annoyed tone.
He let out a deep sigh, "Maybe? She asked for your address last night, she said that she needs to tell you something and it's very important."
I rolled my eyes with that; I gave him one instruction to never give her my new address. "I don't think I'm ready to see her yet Kurt. It's only been weeks." I said in a please-try-to-understand kind of tone.
Honestly, I miss hanging out with them. They were annoying most of the times but all of those years that we lived together, I learned to love them for their annoying selves. We helped each other through ups and downs; irritate each other most of the time but by the end of the day we still consider each other as family. Because that's what we really are, so when Rachel did that to me it hurt like hell. No family can do that to each other.
"Just try, San. You definitely need to hear what she has to say." He sighs.
"I'll think about it." He's about to say something but I quickly ended the call.
I look again on the bouquet she gave me and contemplates on whether I am going or not. I just sit there and stare at the flowers until an hour passed, then another hour. It's six in the evening already when I made a decision.
I get up and went inside my bedroom to change to more comfortable clothes.
"I've been burdened with blame
trapped in the past for too long,
I'm moving on."
- Rascall Flatts
I heard loud knocks on the door. When I looked at my bedside clock it was already nine in the evening. I have a feeling that it is Berry, and I was right. When I opened it I see a sad Rachel with a bouquet of tulips in her hands. She offered it to me but I didn't accept it.
I remained blocking the door; I still want to have the chance to slam the door into her face when she starts to annoy me. But I changed my mind eventually when I saw how sad she is.
She sighs, "I'm sorry to go here so late. But can we talk?" then she looked around her and saw two people talking outside their apartment door. "Inside, please?" she begged.
I was expecting her to be mad for ditching her tonight, but she didn't seem to care. I moved aside to let her in which she did. She removes her coat and folds it in her arms. I gestured for her to sit on the couch as I walk towards it. But she didn't, instead she stood in front of me.
"I know I am the last person that you want to see right now, but I want to say that I'm really sorry Santana for what I did." Looking at her like this makes me sad. "This past month was the worst four weeks of my entire existence here on earth, so please say you'll forgive me." She begged, her eyes are starting to water. I bit my lip, fuck she seems different. She's so sad and exhausted, two things that I hate seeing on my friend's faces; especially to those I love the most.
We both sigh, "Elle came today and we finally end everything between us." I said softly as she sits beside me on the couch. I look at her and this time I could see guilt in her eyes. "I felt relieved after. Finally I can be honest to myself and get what I really want."
"You mean who you really want?" she quickly said but she smiled at me and I did the same. Her tone is not sarcastic or hurt; it's just like a comment of a friend talking to one another. I don't have to tell her that she's forgiven, she could feel it.
"Yeah." I said while I reach for her hand and squeeze it. "Honestly, just a few hours ago I thought of slapping you the next time that we will see again." I said smirking when I saw her bewildered face. But when she move away, that's when I burst into laughter.
Her brows furrowed, "Y..you wouldn't do that, w..would you?" she asked really scared. "I'm still having nightmares with that slap you gave me."
"Of course not! I said, 'I thought' I didn't say that 'I want', okay? So relax." I could see her face relieved. "But seriously, what you did was shit Berry."
She let out a deep sigh, "I know and believe me I regret it." She looked at me apologetically. I nod at her showing that I do believe her.
"Come here." I said as I extend my arms to hug her. She quickly wraps her arms on my waist as I envelop her in mine. "Just don't do that again or I swear smurfette I will ends you." I said in a soft but joking tone to ease the tension because I could feel her body shake lightly. She's crying.
I could still feel something strange in her embrace but I chose not to mind it. I know she's trying to forget me. Rachel can take care of her self when it comes to heart breaks. That's what I admire about her, it's really amazing how she handled her bizarre relationships with Finn and Brody before. She will get over it soon and things will be back to normal. If not then, I'll slap her again and again until she hates me. Nah, I was just kidding but seriously, I could really see how she's trying to act normal like now. And it's a good thing.
When we both let go of each other, she wipe her tears. I smiled at her and tap her lap. "Thank you Santana."
"So what now?" I stand up and go to my kitchen, which is just across the couch, to get something to drink. "Want beer?" I asked her while swaying the cold bottle. She nods then I went back and sit on the couch. "How's your tour?"
She takes the bottle and sip, "It was crazy but I didn't enjoyed it that much, I was not in the mood but I'm sure I'll enjoy our next destination, especially now that we're okay again." She gave me a nudge and sweet smile. "Next stop is London. We came back to arrange something in the studio then we're back on tour."
"London, hmm. Maybe you'll see Elle and Quinn there." I just said plainly, trying to have a small talk. But her reaction surprised me.
She took a huge gulp which made me look at her suspiciously. How come she's more nervous now than a few minutes ago? "Hmm, Berry is there something I need to know?" I squint and observe her.
She swallowed hard then takes another huge gulp of the beer. She breathes in and out for a moment trying to calm her nerves. I just let her; I know if I'll interrupt her with this, she won't have the guts to tell me. And from what I'm seeing, it's about something I'm sure I will be mad at her.
"I ..I have something to tell you, and please don't hate me or slap me again. I swear I wanted to tell you about it but Britt and Kurt said that it won't help you move on." She stands up and start to pace in front of me without even looking at me. She just walk there through and from with her hands rising nervously. "I really wanted to tell you, I swear, when Quinn told me about it, I really wa-"
I was trying to understand her babbling but when she mentioned Quinn's name, that's just about it. I stand up and place my arm on both of her shoulders to stop her from walking. "What do you mean Quinn? What did she told you?" I asked her confused. She closed her eyes and bit her lip. "Berry I swear if you don't speak up I'm gonna slap yo-"
"Russell threatened to kill you before!" She blurted out. My hands drop on my sides and stare at her in disbelief. All of them knew about it and no one even cared to tell me something?
I shook my head as I turn away from her, "When? When did you found out about it?" I asked her angrily. She's crying again but answers anyway, "The night you met Elle. We were in the car and I was telling Quinn to choose already because I don't want to see you hurting like that. Then things got heated, I told her she's a coward for not fighting for you before and then that's when she told us about it."
"Us? You mean Sam and Puck?" I said trying to recall our friends who came with them that night.
She just nods. "Why didn't you tell me? Why any of you didn't say a word? Are you really my friends or what?!" I snapped in disappointment with her.
She looks up to me, "Would it matter that time? You were beyond hurt Santana. And she made it clear that nothing would change even if you knew about it. Because she still wants to marry Charlie for the child, so forgive me for trying to protect you for further heart ache!" she snapped at me.
I let out a deep sigh. She's right about one thing, it wouldn't matter that time even if I'll know about it. Quinn will still marry him and I will be hurt more, feeling guilty for Quinn.
I can understand her point that she only wanted to protect me but she should have been honest with me. "Fine, I'll let this one slip but no more secrets. And next time talk to me especially if it concerns me. Not to Kurt, Britt or anyone, understood?" I said in a firm voice.
She nods, "So does this mean you forgive me, again?"
I rolled my eyes at her as I let myself fall on the couch, "Q told me already about it anyways, I was just pissed that you kept it from me. You all did"
She sits beside me, "Again San, I'm sorry. We love you and we don't want you to blame yourself."
"Whatever." I said as I took a sip from my own bottle.
"This is a beautiful arrangement, who is it from?" I head snapped on her direction with my mouth and eyes wide open. Rachel for always being so nosy picks up the small card and reads it. "Oh, it's from Q." I snatch the card from her hand with terror in my eyes.
"Fuck!" there is something written at the back of the small card!
-0000-0000-0000-0000-0000-
PS: If you won't show up,
then I'll take that as a no for the clean slate
and I won't bother you anymore.
-Quinn
-0000-0000-0000-0000-0000-
"Oh my god San, is this tonight?" I looked at her and nod, absent-minded. My whole body suddenly tensed. "What are you waiting for? Go to her!" Rachel exclaimed. She had no idea how I want to, but my fucking body won't move. "Oh for goodness sake San, come on!" She grabs me and drag me up the couch, out into the door.
I let Rachel push me out of the apartment and down to her car. She took the card out of my hands to look at the name of the place. "I thought it was just you." I said softly, still in shock.
"Okay, I'll pretend that I didn't hear that." She rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, it's only..um.." she glance on her watch and then bit her lip. "…eleven thirty." She whispered as she looks at me worriedly.
"It's more than five hours Rachel, she would never wait that long." I said to her losing hope already. We both sigh.
When she stopped the car, I hurriedly step out and almost ran inside the restaurant but a tall man blocked my way. "I'm sorry ma'am but we're already closed. Actually the place was reserved but she already went home thirty minutes ago."
When I heard it, I couldn't help but cry. If I only checked the back of the card I would have known that it's Quinn. She waited for more than five fucking hours. She must have feel really hurt for waiting here tonight for nothing. "Hey, I'll drive you home. Come on." Rachel said as she took my hand and lead me inside her car.
The ten minutes travel was very silent. I just let my tears fall. I cursed myself mentally for being so stupid and not nosy like Berry. I let out a sigh when we reached my apartment.
She was about to go out of her car when I stopped her, "You don't have to go up. Thank you for coming with me. I just want to be alone." I said in a monotonous tone, I didn't wait for her reply and step out of the car straight inside my building.
I walk out of the elevator like a zombie. When I saw my door that's when I realized that I don't have my keys with me. "Fucking door!" I exclaimed as I kick it and yelp in pain. This is why I hate automatic doors; you don't have to use keys to lock it. I reach for my phone in my pocket and call my co dancer and ex owner of this apartment, Rebecca. She moved in with her boyfriend on the second floor unit two months ago and offered me this.
"Hello?"
"Hey Becca, I'm so sorry to call in so late. Are you home right now? I was in a hurry to go out a while ago and I forgot to grab my keys."
She softly chuckles, "Wow, good thing Matt still has his spare. We'll be there in a few we're now walking back home; Matt said there's a hot girl next door if you want to stay there for a while." Then I heard laughter on the background.
"Yeah right, well I'm not interested in her so, just hurry your asses up here." I said and then end the call.
I let out a deep sigh. I stare at my phone and debate with myself if I should call her and explain or just text her. I figured five hours waiting deserves to receive a call to apologize. When I dialed her number, I felt sad when it didn't ring. Her phone is off and the call went straight to voice mail.
"Hey, I know you're pissed off right now for thinking I didn't want to see you. It was an honest mistake, why would someone write something on the back of a card? Are you stupid or what? Anyways, call me please? If I knew it was you I would have gone there in a heartbeat. You had no idea how much-" I stopped talking when I heard the end beep sound indicating that I have to stop. "Dammit!"
I heard someone chuckle behind me and I was ready to kick some ass but almost had a heart attack when I saw who it was. My blood quickly left my face as my body turned cold. I tighten my grip on my phone to see if I am only dreaming. But when she spoke, that's when I knew this is not a dream. She is really here, in front of me looking gorgeous as ever on her red knee length dress.
"I have no idea of what?" she softly said while she walks toward me. She has this grin on her face and I could see that she's in control of the situation right now, rendering me speechless as my eyes look at her hot figure. When finally she's just an arm length away from me, I step backwards but panicked when my back reached the door. "Tell me San." Quinn's voice is so seductive, is she trying to kill me by making me sweat to death? "I'm very interested to know."
I swallowed hard when she licked her lips. I could smell the alcohol from her breath. Fuck, is she drunk? I quickly unlocked my phone and type a text.
Becca hurry! I need those damn keys now! –S
There is the first part. So did I missed anything? :)
I'm almost done with the second part, you could tell me if I did miss something so I could add it up on the next one. ^_^
Hope you all liked it..:)