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She looked at Matt and realized that a while back he had asked her what had happened years ago between her and Dylan. The part of their interactions that she hadn't ever told him about, or anyone really for that matter.
He had dropped the issue after she didn't answer him in the car right away. But then there were other things that she had never told him, details more related to their own complicated relationship.
Like when she and Julia had been sitting in the bathroom just down the hallway from where she stayed now awaiting the results of a pregnancy test. But then she and Matt had never really discussed what they had shared that day inside the barn, both had walked away from it and kept their feelings about what transpired to themselves.
When it had meant more to her than she would admit even to herself, and it had brought a closeness to him that she had so desperately needed at that point in her life, so much so that even though it had ended there, it didn't matter so much.
She and Julia had gone down to breakfast after she discovered she hadn't been pregnant as if nothing had happened that morning at all. And then they had headed off to town, driving past the vacant lot which had hidden Dylan's remains without anyone but the killer being the wiser. She thought back now as to whether Nadine had known, whether Jack had known, whether anyone else had known the truth about what had happened to the troublemaking reserve deputy who had broken more laws than he had upheld.
As they drove to the local store, she had only glanced in passing at the lot, and hadn't noticed anything different about it at all. It lay unspoiled, untouched, a place for kids to congregate and play baseball or any other team sport they fancied.
She and Julia had a celebratory drink later that night only she hadn't really felt that elated at the news that she had dodged the bullet as Julia had put it. She felt as if another piece of her had been cut right out without knowing why she kept losing parts of herself. The town that raised her had clearly reclaimed her after she thought she had escaped to Boston but even as Matt tried to persuade her to come out to California and work with him, she found herself unable to move, frozen in one spot. Telling herself it was because she didn't want to come between him and Christina who had come and departed from his life a couple of times.
After the final breakup, Matt had headed off to Italy to check out some wineries that he wanted to add to his roster of investment opportunities and while stopping to chill on the island of Crete, he had encountered Serena, the heiress to a billion dollar empire run by her tyrant of a father. And with that postcard, she knew that Matt had become a player once again.
She broke from her reverie when Matt touched her on the arm.
"Hey want to head inside," he said, "It's looking like rain."
She nodded as she looked at the angry clouds filling what had been a pristine sky several hours earlier. But that was how summer passed in Wild Fork, the weather became as volatile as some of the people. He put his arm around her and they headed inside the house running into Roy who sat reading in the atrium.
"Nice to have real weather again," he said, looking up from his magazine.
"I remember how these storms can get," Matt said, "Very powerful in such a few moments."
He and C.J. headed to the kitchen to pour themselves some sweet tea, chilling in the refrigerator. Perfect for an afternoon like this one, they both thought as they headed to the library. The rain had already started streaming down the window and they heard thunder rumbling in the distance.
"At least we're both dry," he said, sipping his tea.
She chuckled.
"I remember all the days we spent out in storms like this one gathering livestock."
He did too and how hard they had both worked with the other ranch hands on his father's spread. It had been harder for C.J. being the only women who occasionally had to take charge when her uncle couldn't get out of his cabin to do his job. She had really covered him during the last few years of his life when she had been there and he had done that too. But her uncle had needed the job that he no longer could perform or he and maybe her would have been out on the street before long.
Now they sat together, a completely different lifetime later, and they were together, having decided that after trying out an assortment of relationships with other people, what they had wanted had been in front of them the whole time. They had just started to enjoy their discovery of new things about each other in a different light when her past had returned to haunt her. He stroked her hair out of her face and she leaned into his touch, as she often did. She loved the feel of his fingers, callused as they were, on her soft skin. And she wanted so much more than that but…the past, the future threatened to collide in a way that she felt keenly in the present.
"Houston…this means so much to me," she said, "Being here with you even with all that's going on."
He tilted her chin up and looked into her hazel eyes.
"I wouldn't be anywhere else," he said, "I just wish I'd figured it out sooner."
She sighed.
"Oh Houston, that doesn't matter," she said, "What matters is that we both figured it out finally."
He nodded and then he caressed her lips with his own and it only took a split second for the kiss to deepen. Her hands running through his hair, his body leaning against her and his lips traveling away from her mouth to that sensitive point below her ear. Her breath caught when he found it.
"Houston…"
"It's okay…"
The couch squeaked as they shifted their bodies.
"Your uncle…"
"Is in another room reading the magazine," he whispered against her ear, "Why does this feel like back in high school?"
"I don't want to hear about that," she said, "Your exploits were legendary."
"Somewhat exaggerated…"
"I'll bet."
He moved where he could hold her close to him and look at her face.
"This couch's not very big," she said, "What if it tips over?"
He kissed her below her jaw, and that tickled.
"It's stronger than it looks…"
She arched a brow at him.
"How would you know?"
That would require too much explanation, he decided quickly, when the last thing he wanted to do was to keep talking about the past that was gone and buried, rather than focus on the women who shared the couch with him.
"Well, it's not far to the bedroom," he said, "and with the weather not being great…"
She sat up then, and her eyes had changed. What had just happened?
"C.J….what's going on here?"
She sighed and pulled away.
"I was just thinking about the last time…"
"What last time," he said, then understanding hit him, "you mean the time in the barn when we…"
She nodded.
"Did something happen that bothered you," he said, "Did I hurt you? We never really talked about it."
She shrugged.
"There was nothing to talk about," she said, "Well maybe one thing."
He saw the emotions whirling in her eyes, different ones competing for attention from her.
"I should have told you this a long time ago."
Now he felt worried, told him what, he wondered.
"I wanted to, but you and Christina…I didn't know where you stood with each other."
He ran his hand through his hair.
"I wasn't with her when we made love," he said, "We were broken up."
"But you did get back together again," she said, "but by then, it was over anyway."
His eyebrows narrowed.
"Over…what was over…?"
She paused for a moment, watching him the entire time while he focused on her.
"Please tell me honey," he said, "You know you can tell me anything."
She didn't look at him for a moment and then when she did, she saw what looked like tears in her eyes.
"Now you really need to tell me," he said, "I promise whatever it is, I'll listen."
She nodded.
"I didn't regret what happened at all," she said, "It's not like that. It's just that we didn't use a condom."
He smiled.
"As I remember, neither of us had one…but you were on something."
"I know…but afterward, weeks afterward, I felt tired and kind of sick…just really strange."
His eyes widened as it dawned on him what she was getting at. Had she been…
"Sounds like you were pregnant…"
She shook her head.
"I wasn't…I never would have kept something from you and I'd never…"
She didn't need to finish that statement because he knew she spoke the truth in that if she had been pregnant, she would have told him and they would have worked it out together.
" I would do anything to our baby," she said.
He took her hand in his own.
"I know that…but something happened…"
She took a deep breath.
"It was a false alarm," she said, "Julia was here with me so I wasn't alone but although I meant to tell you, you'd gotten back with Christina and I didn't want that or me to come between you."
He understood that and he knew she had wanted to tell him for quite a while.
"I'm glad you told me," he said, "and I'm relieved that Julia helped you. I wish I could have been there with you."
She looked at her hands, including the one he still held in his own.
"I had mixed feelings about it actually…I know it's silly but I was both relieved and sad at the same time if that makes any sense."
He nodded and smiled at her.
"The next time you take a test and there will be a next time," he said, "We'll be doing it together okay?"
She smiled back at him.
"You better believe it cowboy."
Then she grew reflective again.
"I don't want it to be when I'm facing this," she said, "If we…created a life together and I had to go to prison…"
Now he knew what had made her afraid to be intimate with him or part of the reason.
"That's not going to happen," he said, "We're going to clear this all up, find the real killer and then we're going to head back home and spend the rest of our lives making up for all the time we've lost."
"I'll hold you to that promise," she said, "and I'll try not to be so scared but sometimes…"
He embraced her again, holding her close to him. She hadn't been alone in feeling the fear that she might lose someone she loved because the thought had haunted him too. But he had to be the strong one and reassure her when necessary.
"That's okay…I'm not in any rush," he said, "I just want you to know that I'm going to be here with you and it's going to work out."
She tried to feel that but it had been so damned hard.
"And that the times we have shared together have been the most precious moments of my life."
Tears threatened her again when she heard the conviction in his voice and realized he knew what she had been experiencing these past few days. He had his own life experience to draw on.
"I don't know how you ever coped when you were accused of murdering someone," she said, "What you must have been thinking."
He stroked her face.
"That I had this wonderful woman there with me, even willing to forgo getting help for a bullet wound to help me," he said.
He knew he would never forget the sacrifice she had nearly made for him to keep him free. When she had been dodging bullets with him inside that abandoned building and had told him that she had loved him, believing she would die with that unsaid.
"It took a while to even feel it," she insisted, "with everything going on around us."
It had been like that with her feelings for him too, but when she finally slowed down for them to catch her, they had deluged her in a rush of what couldn't even be described in words. The moment when she realized it had been like that for him had been among her life's most pivotal.
"Come here," he said, softly.
And so she did, and they held onto each other as the storm waged outside their sanctuary. Forgetting for a moment that out there a killer awaited.