Pulling his robes tighter against his body in response to the cold night air the assassin gazed out over the town of Masyaf and beyond. His breath formed thick smoky puffs around his face before vanishing into nothingness. He stood on the west side battlements below him the graveyard and beyond that the Orontes valley another graveyard of sorts – at this time of year nothing lived. All that had been lush and green had withered and died and left behind bare trees and a seemingly endless expanse of desolate earth. He heard voices from behind him, muffled and low. Probably guards passing on instructions to their replacements but the noise only reached the edges of his consciousness – Malik Al Sayf was miles away. The fingers of his hand drummed a solemn beat against the cold stone as his dark brown eyes maintained their apparent vigil but it was his mind's eye that had his full attention.
She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and she was his. They were seated at the head of the wedding feast, the bride and groom and Malik was not in the least surprised to discover that he was wearing a huge smile. Their courtship had been brief and businesslike. As soon as her family returned to Masyaf Malik had approached her father and asked for their permission to marry the only child of theirs who still lived at home. He had expected them to be loathe to let something so precious slip away but they had in fact been delighted and more than a little relieved that their aging daughter had finally found a husband.
She caught him looking at her and despite the veil covering most of her face her eyes showed him she shared his joy. He leaned in closer to her and whispered something to her, something for her and her alone she reached for his hand and moved her head as close to his as propriety permitted. Both of them wanted the feast to be over so they could be alone, something they had been denied for the few short weeks it had taken them to reach this day.
He glanced at the guests and allowed himself to feel a moment of sadness for the faces he didn't see around the table. Even in the happiness of the day the shadow of Kadar's death had never strayed far from him and to Malik that felt appropriate. As brothers they had shared almost every experience life had offered them and for Kadar to be on his mind now seemed perfectly normal – he shared with him now in the only way he could.
They left the feast hand in hand with the guests behind them cheering and waving. He was certain Nijma would be blushing furiously and he chuckled.
"Something amuses you?" Her brown eyes shone out from the red silk of her veil and Malik had to grip her hand tighter to keep his hand from her face.
"I imagine you are not entirely comfortable with your family and friends knowing you are walking to your bridal chamber."
He was, as usual, accurate in his assessment but Nijma decided not to own up instead opting for dignified silence and a roll of her eyes.
There was a single lamp burning in the corner and the sweet smell of rose scented incense filled the air of their chamber. Malik closed the door behind him and pulled off the outer robes of his grey dress uniform. Turning to face her he was surprised to see she was still wearing her veil and her hands were nervously thumbing the gold thread of her dress. He moved toward her and taking hold of the fabric he released it and let it fall from her face. Her smile faltered for a fraction of a second until the hand he had used to expose her flesh lifted once more to her face and stroked the flesh of her cheek. Her smile returned and he saw her throat contract as she struggled with nerves but Malik was in no rush, he had reasons of his own to delay.
When he lost his arm Nijma had not been present and he had never allowed any but Azrial to tend to the wound during his recovery. He had been with other woman since the amputation but always in the dark and here with her in the dim light from the oil lamp he faltered. His stump was an ugly looking thing and he knew any sign of discomfort from his wife would cut him deeper than the blade which had taken his arm. Their lips met and moved together quickly finding a rhythm which slowly assuaged their fears and soon her eager hands found her new husband's back. He drew in a deep breath as her fingers caressed his shoulder blades and all but pulled back from her when she reached his shoulders.
Stepping away from him her huge brown eyes formed two perfect circles as she regarded him with doubt. "Did I do something wrong?" He reached for the hand now hanging limply by her side and tried to pull her back to him but she resisted. "Tell me Malik I can't learn if you don't tell me."
"No my sweet you did no wrong." She let him draw her closer but he could see his reaction had cost his virgin wife all the confidence she had managed to muster and he decided to tell her the truth regardless of how foolish it made him appear. He waved his arm over the space were its pair should have been and shrugged, "I do not relish the prospect of you seeing me like this."
She laughed nervously and led her hand to his chest. "Malik I have seen the results of amputations before and know what to expect." Her husband was an incredible catch and Nijma had spent the days before their wedding fretting about her own impurities and failings sure he would run screaming from the room at the sight of her. To hear him now confess his own feelings of inadequacy was somehow comforting to her. "I've been so worried you would find fault with me it never occurred to me you would feel this way."
She suggested they extinguish the lamp but he refused, determined to savour every second of their first night together. Tugging her body flush against his own he smiled as he lowered his head to hers and brought their mouths together.
A shout from below dragged the unwilling assassin from his pleasant memory of their first night together but he still wore the smile that memory had brought to his face. She had been so innocent and nervous but as the hours became days and the days months they had grown together, ever more sure and confident. She kept up her duties in the hospital and Malik had no objections, she was going to be a great healer and he would not be the man responsible for robbing his order of such a prized asset. In fact he was glad she worked in the fortress since it meant they often saw each other in passing and sometimes it was quiet enough for him to lead her somewhere private and act on the feelings her alluring smile would arouse in him.
It had been a long day after a long night of trying to pry the apple from the Mentor's fingers and force him to bed and Malik was out of sorts. His pace quickened as he got closer to his quarters –closer to her. All he wanted to do was wrap his arm around her and fall asleep with her head on his chest but –
"Am Malik, you were a long time." Darim grinned happily as his chubby arms reached for his favourite "big friend".
Malik smiled and let the boy climb into his arm, "How did this come about? Don't tell me let me guess – Maria wants her husband to rest quietly but yours has no need of such luxuries."
Nijma smiled and dropped a kiss on his cheek, "It was my idea to look after them for a few hours." Shifting her body so the bawling babe in her arms could better see him she grinned, "Sef is teething and not shy about sharing his discomfort."
Malik blew out a puff of air, "Not so tight Darim I need air."
"Sorry Am..." But his death grip on his neck never loosened one bit.
After a few minutes of listening to Sef squeal Malik suggested they swap and Nijma offered no objections. Why would she? His wife was far from stupid...
Malik leaned back in the chair and let the boy's head rest on his chest as his fingers stroked his flaming hot cheeks, "Hush now little one. A small amount of pain for a huge reward later – you will be able to eat real food as soon as you have a full set of these."
Nijma smiled as she watched her husband coax and cajole the infant into a brighter mood. "Are you not curious husband as to why I would offer to take care of an unhappy infant?"
"Because your heart is softer than cheese that has been left out in the midday sun?"
Nijma giggled and let Darim wriggle free from her grip, "I thought it would be good to practise with these two terrors for a while before we have to deal with our own."
Malik smirked "Allah forbid we ever create anything that can scream so loud as this one."
Kneeling on the floor beside him she waited for a second while her usually astute husband caught up with her news.
"One of our own, are you telling me you are pregnant?"
"Yes I am."
He wanted to hold her close and tell her how happy he was but his arm was otherwise engaged, "Come here." She leaned in close to him and let her head rest against his, "I love you."
"I love you too." Her entire face seemed to be smiling and Malik felt his insides melt all over again.
"We are going to be parents." He had to close his eyes to let himself think without her beautiful face abducting his logic.
"That would seem to be the normal outcome of pregnancy yes."
His eyes flew open when he felt a tiny hand gripping onto his trousers and he was horrified to see Darim using his pregnant wife as a ladder to reach his knee. "No Darim get off her, take your foot off her stomach!" But it was too late the toddler was already up and the wounded blue eyes which looked back at him told him he had been harsh. "Nijma has a baby in her stomach like Ummu did before Sef was born we need to be gentle with her."
Darim turned his heart breaking expression to Nijma but he never got the chance to apologise, her arms were round his neck and her lips on his cheeks before he could open his mouth. "Don't worry little Darim Malik is being silly, we can still play for a long while yet."
Darim poked his tongue out at Malik and let the much softer Nijma lift him from his knee.
He pulled the blanket Sef always carried with him away from his face and grinned at the baby, "Don't take after your brother Sef even with all your screaming you are much easier to like." The child shifted on his shoulder and Malik grinned, "What is it about my shoulder that he loves so much?"
"He's not sleeping because he's comfortable he's sleeping because you are no fun Malik, its boredom I'm afraid."
Hours later when the sleeping children had been deposited back with their parents Malik had led Nijma to the garden and talked for hours about his plans for them, for their children and their children's children. The following morning when the sun rose and took him from his slumber he opened his eyes to a world that looked brighter somehow more alive. His wife slept beside him and he lay for a few moments silently watching the rise and fall of her chest and how her eyes fluttered when she felt his breath on her skin. In no hurry to leave this behind he stayed in bed longer than he had in years. Life was good and after all he had suffered Malik felt entitled to make the most of it.
The chill invaded his robes and made him shudder and the assassin grimaced in the face of it. He moved to the other side of the fortress to stand over a less foreboding view but everywhere he looked reflected that sense of despair – it was inside him and it coloured how he viewed the world not the other way round.
"Are you alright Nijma you look worn out?"
Her free hand moved to his arm and brushed it softly while her other dug deeply into the post she was leaning on. "I think it might be time to go to Azrial and meet our first born."
Malik nodded, he was ready for this and determined to keep his head. "Take my hand we will go there together."
They made their way slowly to the old healer who smiled warmly when she saw the young apprentice who was already a far better healer than she had been at twice her age. "Come inside child at least now I get to deal with someone who understands how things work."
Malik led her to the bed and kissed her clammy forehead, "I'll be right outside my sweet if you need anything at all call out it and it will be done."
Her face twisted as the pains began to intensify and her attempts to smile and comfort him failed miserably. "Thousands of women have done this many times Malik it is just as you told Sef "A little pain now for a far greater reward."
He held her hand to his lips and bowed his head, this was woman's territory and he knew he would be in the way. Not letting her hand go until he absolutely had to he grinned when the crusty old healer clicked her tongue at him, "I'm going Azrial there is no need to turn nasty." He took a seat outside and got as comfortable as he could – he knew these things could take hours.
Altaïr arrived first and asked the perfunctory questions before looking awkwardly around the room unsure of what he should do. Malik was endlessly amused by his friend's failings when it came to social interaction but he tried not to show it now. Altair had come here to show support even though he knew he would be horribly inadequate he had come. Malik steered the conversation to assassin business to make him feel more at ease and the Mentor immediately relaxed taking the seat opposite him. Not long after Maria arrived and her entrance was far less modest than her husband had made earlier. Nijma, right on cue, cried out in agony when Maria came inside and her face darkened.
"How long has she been like that?"
"Not long, that was the first we have heard."
Taking the seat next to Malik she put a hand on his shoulder and smiled, "She is bearing up much better than I did."
"Where are the children?"
"Gwen has them she said if we are kept here late we can leave them there until the morning."
Altaïr's eyes shone and Malik suspected his friend was going to make damn sure he had his wife to himself for the night regardless of when Nijma gave birth.
Another cry issued from the next room and this one less than a minute after the first, "Is that a good sign?"
Both of them looked clueless but Maria tried to sound informed, "When the pain comes closer together the child is close at least that is how I remember it."
"You've done this twice Maria you should be an expert." He smirked knowing exactly what he was invoking but she was too easy to rile up and so much fun.
"I was at the other fucking end in gut wrenching agony Al Sayf. Why not let me shove a human head up your rear end and we can discuss your experience of evacuating it afterwards hmm? See what you can remember of the moment."
Malik grinned happily and looked at her wincing husband, his discomfort was almost as enjoyable as her irritation. Maria tutted and shoved him, "You're an irksome little sod Malik."
"And you are a constant source of pleasure Maria."
The door opened and a grim faced Azrial emerged "Malik you should come inside now."
The three got to their feet at the same time but it was Maria who spoke, "Is everything alright?"
Malik felt like his feet had moulded to the floor and while he knew he had to go to her the dread of what he might learn stopped him momentarily. "Please Malik come now there is not much time."
He heard Maria gasp but it sounded as if was coming from another place, another time. Everything felt surreal and slowed down. His feet moved without his mind realising it and he felt a hand on his shoulder. Altaïr's face looked more serious than usual but Malik saw something there, something he did not wish to see – pity.
The room was filled with bright daylight and that surprised him, why he had expected darkness he would never know but the light had thrown him for a time until he saw the pile of bloody rags in the basket. "Has all that come from her?"
"Malik she is bleeding profusely and I can't stop it."
He saw a child lying in a crib near the bed but there was no sound from it. "Is that is it ours?"
"She is your daughter yes Malik but she is weak and needs immediate care, something went wrong."
He was beside her bed and reaching for the hand he had been kissing earlier, "Nijma can you hear me?"
Her mouth tried to open but her lips were stuck together and Azrial reached for a sponge to wet the area. "I can hear you Malik. Where is she?"
"She is in her crib sleeping peacefully and you need to rest because she will need you soon enough."
Her eyes opened but they were dull and tired looking things and Malik had to fight down the cry he felt in his throat. "I want to call her Habiba. I was sure my calling had cost me my chance to have a family and then you came along and gave me such a precious gift."
Beloved, what else could they call her?
"Habiba is a beautiful name she will wear it well."
She smiled but she was waning fast and Malik knew his time with her would be short. Tears pricked at his eyes as he leaned over her body to block out the sight of the blood soaking the sheets around her. "Nijma be strong now for me you must hold on."
She tried to hold his hand but there was no strength left in her body but he loaned her his strength and wrapped his fingers around her hand. "Do you remember what you whispered to me on our wedding day?" The tears he had been holding back ran down his cheeks as he nodded that he did. "I cherish those words as I cherish every second I got to spend with you."
"Those words are as true today as they were then, as they will be fifty years from now."
Azrial was with the child fighting her own battle with grief but the knowledge that she could do nothing for the girl she had spent all those years teaching spurred her to do all she could for her child.
She heard a choked sound from behind – a male sound – one she had heard far too many times over the years and knew that a light had passed from their world.
She took the child in her chunky arms and carried her to another room, it felt wrong to try to encourage life in the midst of such pain and Malik deserved some privacy with his woman.
He never heard the door open or the footsteps that crossed the floor to him but he felt the hand on his shoulder and knew it would be Altaïr. He never spoke, he offered no useless words of comfort but he was there with him sharing his sorrow and that was enough. He became aware of sobbing and looked behind him to see Maria standing in the doorway but she never came fully inside, "I'm so sorry Malik. I'm just so... sorry." Then she was gone but Altaïr remained.
Hours had passed or at least he thought it was hours when he was taken to a small room at the far end of the corridor. Maria was inside with his daughter. "I'm trying to wet nurse her but she is not taking anything."
Azrial had told him Habiba was weak and barring a miracle her time would be short but Maria it seemed was in the mood for a fight. "It is good that you are trying."
His words were insufficient and he knew but he was raw, he was bleeding and now with this tiny child he was going to tear that wound open to twice its size. Hovering away from the crib he tried to look like he wasn't delaying but he failed miserably. Maria reached into the crib and lifted the tiny human being up before she crossed the room and placed her in his arm. "I know you've suffered much pain today Malik but if you don't hold her you will regret it for the rest of your life."
He looked properly upon the face of his daughter for the first time and his heart contracted in his chest. She was perfect, utterly beautiful and impossibly small. He wanted to say something but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. It should have been impossible to produce more tears but he felt his eyes sting as the bittersweet moment took hold of him.
Maria placed the palm of her hand on his cheek but it seemed words had failed her too all she could do was look at them and cry. "I'll leave you alone with her for a time."
He sat in the chair Maria had left and rocked the tiny bundle next to his body. He told her about her mother and about his brother Kadar knowing she would see them both before he did. With every thought and feeling he could muster he willed her to open her eyes and stay with him but her eyes never opened. He heard the delicate sounds of her breathing fade and still and he cradled her head in his hand, his heart not broken but decimated.
A soft flapping sound caught his attention and his eyes lingered over the dull white shawl which fluttered as it hung from his arm. A strange gift to give any man...
"I don't think it would be a good idea Maria. I appreciate what you are trying to do but I would rather be alone."
She argued a bit longer with him but had to know it was futile. He had no intention of joining them to mark the end of Ramadan. It was this very night two years before when he had made the first advances with Nijma and the idea of trying to be polite and sociable was too much to bear. In the end she had accepted his decision with grace. Her intentions were good and Malik knew the flush on her cheeks was not really anger. He felt a hand tug at his trousers and looked down to see Sef smiling up at him.
"Play with me Maik?"
"Not now Sef I have too much work to do."
The boy looked crestfallen and Malik regretted being the cause of that but he wanted to get away and be alone, he would make it up to him later. He heard Maria tell Sef that he wasn't angry but sad and the child mimicked those words in a singsong voice which followed him inside the fortress. "Maik sad Ummu?"
He smiled bitterly to hear such truth from the mouth of a child.
Minutes before sunset Malik began his walk back to his study determined to get there before anyone would think to come looking for him. Anyone being Maria who he felt sure was not going to accept his no without one final effort to get him to join them. He would get inside; lock the door and be free to feel what he felt in peace.
He closed the door behind him and moved towards his desk when something caught his eye. Sef's shawl was on his desk. Malik lifted the small blanket between his fingertips and wondered how it had gotten here, Sef had not been in here playing today. Maria... would she stoop so low as to use the one thing Sef would not sleep without to lure him to her dinner? He dropped the shawl back onto the table and slumped into his chair.
"It won't work Maria I won't come to you no matter what you think." But as the minutes passed and he thought of the small boy crying and searching for the shawl he began to doubt his decision. Maria was tender with her children would she really let Sef suffer for such a foolish reason? Scowling he snatched the item up from the table and threw open his door, there was only one way to find out.
It was the woman herself who opened the door to him and her surprised smile seemed to be genuine. "Malik come in please come in." She took his arm and pulled him toward her.
"Did you take this from Sef to trick me into bringing it back to him?"
She looked confused until her eyes shifted to the washed out blanket in his hand then she looked utterly confused. "I don't know what you're talking about but I've been looking for that all day where did you find it."
All eyes around the table were focused on him as he began to regret opening with an accusation then Sef dropped down from his chair and came to him with his comical side to side shuffle only slowing an already awkward situation down.
Malik lowered himself down to the boys level to hand him back his most treasured possession which he took with a smile, "Like this Maik." Sef took one corner of the blanket and lifted it to Malik's face then stroked his cheek with it. "Maik not sad now."
He heard Maria gasp but he was even more stunned than she was. "You loaned this to me to make me happy?"
Sef nodded cheerfully and placed the shawl back in Malik's hand. "Thank you Sef."
It was all he could say. The same guests sat around the table that were there on the previous occasion, except of course for Nijma. The children were all older and sitting at the proper table and Tahir was still fussing over them. Malik reached for Sef's hand and walked to the table, "I hope you've left enough food for me."
The meal had been difficult at times but for brief moments he had truly enjoyed the company of his friends. There was no bitterness at the realisation that he was perhaps ready to get on with life but the knowledge that he had to go through that life without his wife and daughter would always cause him pain.
Malik's fingers stroked the soft shawl that Sef had spent every day of his life holding and smiled sadly.
A/N I haven't edited this properly because I can't lol I'll try to clean it up later. Sorry for writing such a sad chapter but it felt right.
What did he whisper to her?